QUESTION # 685: SEEKERS UNITE

Dear Useless Men,

I started my own business creating photo-based custom gift wrap. Now I need to know how to make lots of money.

Thanks,
Customer Seeker

Dear Customer Seeker,

You obviously have the means to print what you need right there. Tear off what you need from the paper and away you go. The bigger challenge would not be making the money but rather a wallet big enough to hold an 11"X17" sheet of money that you have made. Many store are loath to take larger bills so you'll need to find a place to get your bills broken down into smaller ones. Banks are a good option but with paper that large really you could get away with a butcher shop. They have plenty of large sharp instruments on hand that will be able to reduce the size of your large bills with no problems at all.

The absolute best part about this solution of yours is that if you have no idea what to give someone as a gift you can just give them an empty box wrapped in the money. This will enable them purchase a gift suitable to occupy whatever box you have wrapped. Since larger gifts cost more there is no problem with this gift giving approach as a larger gift requires a larger box, which will require more paper. Please feel free to mail us a sample of this paper once you get it perfected. We do accept mail from prisons so it should come to the office no problem at all.

Enjoy your new found wealth and catered housing once you get picked up for using said wealth.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 684: THE HANGOVER CURE

Dear Useless Men,

My name is Anthony, and I founded drinkTHC.com. Wanna review a free sample of our product on your glorious site? The Bachelor Guy already did and loved it.

All I need is a shipping address. Looking forward to hearing from you soon!

Thanks
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Have you ever gone on a bender only to wake up with a head that feels like the lineup at the post office on tax submission deadline day? I have.

At least once, and likely every time before, I chant the time tested and true mantra of never doing it to my self again. I wish I could avoid the whole morning after!

Lucky for me our buddy over at The Bachelor Guy had a claim that such a mystical substance existed. A look at his site had me hooked right away to the idea. A sales pitch loaded with great words like “nutraceutical” plus the stellar math equation:

THC>(Chuck Norris)+(Steven Seagal)x(Roundhouse Kick)²-(Your Face)

How can you go wrong?

Anyone who can draw in both those two Hollwood powerhouses for their advertising must be packing the goods, lest they risk a roundhouse kick to the face! Luckily, the FAQ listing taught me that even with all of its awesome capabilities, The Hangover Cure did have some limitation that one should be made aware of.

Firstly, it does not prevent beer goggles so make sure you know what you are picking up in the bar.

Secondly, while preventing a hangover it will not prevent prevent intoxication, alcohol poisoning, or stupidity (if only I had known that before that horrible spring break incident). This lead to some rethinking of my planned bender but the night was still an epic liver pickling affair.

What I did find extremely entertaining was that it states (in very small and difficult to read type, especially once you’ve had a few drinks) that it needs to be mixed with 12-16oz of water. This combines drinking vast amounts of liquid, thereby ensuring a long sleepless night of trips to the loo, with measuring (a task the intoxicated have some difficulty with).

I would recommend, if you have the foresight to buy this stuff, that you premeasure and leave a glass of water in a place you will be able to crawl to when you get home. I plan to leave the tube of cure next to my dog’s dish so I don’t have to fumble around in the cupboards in the dark next time. I can just imagine spending twenty minutes rearranging condiments in my fridge in my quest for a clean glass before realizing that my cupboards don’t light up.

Time to put this stuff to the test: I make it a habit to stave off hangovers with large amounts of liquid already. Opting out of the water for scientific reasons, (I already avoid hangovers by consuming large amounts of water), I decided to test this cure as it sits. I cracked open the tube and chucked back the contents. My tongue was a-tingle with a taste that was akin to fish food and citrus.

After nearly coughing up a lung I realized that this product made it nearly impossible to not to consume water with. By neglecting to stir the product into water, I ended up running to the kitchen for a glass of water. And since I haven’t done dishes in ages, having taken apart the dishwasher to turbocharge it with a jet-ski motor, I had to drink from the tap. The tap wasn’t screwed down properly to the countertop, so I ended up falling and banging my head.

I awoke in the next morning hangover-free and with a wretched citrus flavour embedded in my toungue. I can’t conclusively say that the bang on the head did or didn’t contribute to my well-being. I plan to eliminate it by testing a sharp blow to the head as a hangover prevention approach after my next bender.

Cheers to the fine folks at Apollo Nutrition for this product which has either prevented my hangover or at least re-flavoured my typical post drinking sweater tongue. Now I’m off to research either a de-flavouring agent for my tongue, or the best liquor to pour across it thereby saving me a fortune in mixers!

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 683: DISPOSABLE? INDISPENSABLE

Dear Useless Men,

I'm a fan of what you do on your site, and I have a great product for you to review. I developed the Disposable Flask - it holds 5 shots of liquor, empties completely flat and fits easily into your back pocket. It makes sneaking your booze with you anywhere easy and convenient.

I'd like to send some samples if you¹re interested in reviewing it. In the meantime, check out the Disposable Flasks Web site www.DisposableFlasks.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,
Alex

Dear Alex,

Here at Useless Advice From Useless Men, we don’t throw around the word “genius” very often, except when talking about people like George Foreman, or that Wendy’s guy, Dave Thomas and his quad burgers. What we throw around more often are things like footballs... and footlongs subs.

But ‘genius’ is the term I’d use to describe the package you sent us: The Disposable Flask. Genius isn’t the only term I want to use either. These wondrous plastic flasks are unparalleled.

In fact, for a stick-boy like me, the flask kills two birds with one stone. Not only can I sneak my daily requirement of bourbon while standing in the DMV line-up, but I can correct my unsightly flat-ass which has been turning off the ladies for years. The flask fits perfectly in my back pocket and acts like the perfect ass implant. If I want something subtle, well, maybe I’ll only put two shots in the flask. But If I’m hitting the local club scene, I’ll fill ‘em with five and fight the chicks off with a stick all night.

Hooking up is easy with a sexy ass. But what’s the next step? A date to the movies is pretty standard. With the disposable flask, though, you can transform ‘standard’ into ‘awesome’ while you kick back like you were in your own living room, sitting on your own busted Ikea couch, with your own 1997 phone book propping it up.

The greatest feature has to be the fact that these flasks are so discrete. During Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, nobody heard me crack open my Pepsi, and nobody heard me bitch when I spilled half my Southern Comfort on the floor. Why? Because that all happened at home, when I filled my flask in the kitchen. And when the credits rolled and I stumbled into the aisle, suspicious theatre personnel couldn’t find that empty flask folded up as thin as piece of paper.

Yes, these things are awesome-stealthy. Take, for example, the camouflage flask. How many times have you gone drinking hunting and a couple hours into the waiting game, that glint off your classic stainless flask scared your 14-pointer away? There’s nothing worse than that. Except maybe bawling your eyes out like some 5 year old who just had his cheese and relish sandwich stepped on by “Big Billy”. Yeah, I said cheese and relish. Hey! We weren’t rich. Why do you think I took this extra job writing for Useless Advice?

Ahem. Anyway, now you can sit all morning in your bush, rifle in one hand, and camouflage flask in the other with no worries. The flask almost guarantees that buck hanging above your fireplace. Or if, you prefer stalking.... oh wait. My editor has advised me not to go any further.

Relativity, Space Camp (the movie), mathmatics, the computer, the Disposable Flask. My list of the five most brilliant moments in human history.

Genius. Like Wile E. Coyote genius!

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 682: A STEP TOWARDS SHAVING

Dear Useless Men,

I came across your blog and I loved it! I can see that you've done an amazing job there, with your unique content I bet your readers are always looking forward to what you write next. I read your blog posted on January 10, 2007 with a question on how to shave and cut hair and I think our product would be great for your readers.

I work for Ultimate Personal Shaver. I am sending samples to bloggers of the Ultimate Personal Shaver for review. We designed and created this product from scratch and it has been upgraded and improved over the last two years. I feel this is the best and easiest way to shave your entire body. Not many people think of personal shavers when it comes to hair removal, as the majority knows and uses razors, waxing or laser hair removal. The Ultimate Personal Shaver is a two part system that will take all unwanted hair away. The trimmer trims the hair down to stubble and the shaver takes the stubble away and leaves smooth skin.

I look forward to hearing from you.

All the Best,

April
UltimatePersonalShaver.com

PS - If you order the Ultimate Personal Shaver kit, a free blade/foil kit is sent with each order, and free is always good!


Dear April,

You've put me in an awkward spot. I’m not used to talking about my body or the fact that it is hairy and not in a good hairy. More like that weird hair. I have hair in spots that monkey’s don’t! It doesn’t get more unwanted than that.

What I do want is good beard hair. I have always wanted to grow a beard. While I can only WISH to grow a good lumberjack beard in the winter, I know I can't. I try to do it each spring under the guise of a "playoff" beard. I just shave it off when it gets bothersome, and blame it on the San Jose Sharks inability to get it down when it counts. (I used to cheer on the Maple Leafs, but if I started growing a beard for them to MAKE the playoffs, I'd look like those guys from ZZ Top).

But I see a purpose for our reader out there. I’ll go along with you on this. And in the name of all that is Useless, I have tried your personal shaver.

But I’m new to this whole personal grooming thing. It makes me really nervous. Where do you start? Or more appropriately, where do I STOP? I thought I’d just start with one of those private areas, those areas you don’t want to share with the public, in photographs on the internet no matter what free stuff you get offered.

For the good reader of Useless Men, I did just what the product said, and I’ll tell you, I’ve never had smoother skin. It’s a small step, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Now, when I take off those intimate undergarments, and reveal those private hidden parts to my spouse, she will swoon, and maybe even cry.
I hope she likes them. The greatest little toes in the neighbourhood. I can wear sandals again!

Thank you Ultimate Personal Shaver! My wife will let me sleep without socks finally. Well, once I get those nails clipped. Got anything for that?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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USELESS EXCUSE # 006: _AWN SHO_ LETTERS

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DUE TO THE ECONOMIC CRISIS, HAD TO SELL LETTERS K,P,Q,X, AND Z.

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USELESS EXCUSE # 005: I'M LOST IN TIME

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CAN'T GET MY HEAD AROUND THE TIME TRAVEL THEORY OF LOST. NEED TO WATCH ALL THREE BACK TO THE FUTURE MOVIES AGAIN.

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QUESTION # 681: REPRODUCABLE LETTERS

Dear Useless Men,

I am a terrible letter writer and often forget to send off cards to friends and relatives for their birthdays, anniversaries or, really, any occasion. What can I do?

Signed,
____________


Dear ____________,

What can you do? You don’t realize it, but you’ve already done it by writing to us.

I find I’m constantly not realizing things I’ve done, at least not until it starts to burn. So we’re right on the same page here. However, being the internet, that analogy is not apt. So let’s say we’re on the same screen. Or in the same chat room. Hey - what’s your username? I’m Bigdaddy59. Bigdaddy69 was taken, so I figured this was close enough.

Where was I? Right.

Now, I must admit I’m not the best letter writer either, but since you took the time to write to us, knowing full-well we are entirely useless (save for chatroom flirtation), I’m certainly going to take the time to do this for you. Allow me to apologize to your family and friends on your behalf and offer the following multi-use greeting:

“Dear mom(s), dad(s), brother(s), sister(s), bro’s, ho’s, grandparents both in a state of consciousness and deceased, oma(s), opa(s), baba(s), aunt(s), uncle(s), cousin(s), double cousin(s) <---(insert wikipedia link to double cousins here) friends and all those who have been forgotten, abandoned and neglected by ____________,

On his/her behalf, I wish you the following on the condition that you adhere to my KFC-style rule of NO SUBSTITUTIONS!

Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, have a crackin’ Easter, Shabbat Shalom, Happy Anniversary and/or divorce, Congrats on the successful gall-bladder surgery, and Congratulations on your Wedding and/or Graduation, hopefully not in that order.

Yours truly,
____________”

There. That should cover most of the standard relatives for the standard occasions. Just copy and paste!

May you and your various relations enjoy that letter to its utmost. It is, after all, a majestic gem. Whenever you read it, I would like you to remember our generosity, and more importantly, write us a thank-you letter so we can cover up the “frustration holes” punched in the wall of the useless office. If you can’t be bothered to write the letter, just send us an email and we’ll write it for you.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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USELESS EXCUSE # 004: HOW DID HE DO THAT?

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APPLICATION FOR THE BACHELOR WAS REJECTED. THEN IT WAS ACCEPTED AFTER THE OTHER GUY DIDN'T WORK OUT.

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USELESS EXCUSE # 003: ONLY TWO?

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TWO WORDS: NEVER ENDING BASEMENT RENOVATION PROJECT WITH OVER RUNS.

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USELESS EXCUSE # 002: I LIKE CHINESE

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BEEN STUCK IN A CHINESE FINGER TRAP FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.

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USELESS EXCUSE # 001: EXCUSE ME?

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EDITING ALL THE STUPIDITY OUT OF MY GEORGE W BUSH DOCUMENTARY IS TAKING LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED.

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