Thursday, February 07, 2013

QUESTION # 687: 50 SHADES OF VIAGARA


Dear Useless Men,

At what age do you start contemplating taking Viagara?  Just curious

Pink Steel


Dear Pink Steel,

This is a hard question. In all honesty, I've contemplated taking Viagara as soon as I heard about it! C'mon! What an awesome product!!! I believe women contemplate getting their men to use it as soon as the honeymoon is over ... baaaa-zing!!!!!! Extra EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, the obvious reasons to take any medication is by doctors prescription, yada yada yada.  In my case,  when you reach a point in your marriage you worry when "IT" becomes stagnant.  Maybe someone suffering from low self esteem, or ED (the dysfunction, not the husband) may turn on the need, so to speak. Like all things sexual (from harrassment to healing), I feel the right age is when you are emotionally mature enough to use properly.

Of course, taking Viagara when you do this with Lego clearly indicates I'm not ready...



I really like my abs in this one... 

So, I don't think there is a set age where one says, "I WILL use Viagara."  (Remember to consult a doctor and acquire the Viagara from a reputable source.)  I'd hate for you not to get stiffed.))

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother

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Monday, February 04, 2013

USELESS MOVIE REVIEWS #001: IRON MAN 3


Everybody knows that the movie trailer has the best parts of the movie in it.  
Since we just don't have the time to go TO the movies like we used to, we're not letting that stop us from REVIEWING those movies.


We've watched the movie previews, and here's what we think of IRON MAN 3:




Synopsis:
As much as I enjoy superhero movies, I’m not keen on Iron Man 3.  Watching this trailer, I did enjoy the dramatic way Stark lands in the snow after falling out of what may have been Santa’s sleigh.  This really grabbed me, and will likely have a great tie in around the holiday season.  For the most part, the movie doesn’t let go for another 2 hours.

Acts of terrorism are filmed shaky-cam style for that realistic 1st-person experience. After Stark’s oceanfront home is destroyed, the movie loses a bit of its momentum as he files his insurance claims. Still, it’s a fantastic romp worthy of the franchise name.

Summary:
In the 80s, I never would’ve guessed that Robert Downey Jr. would sell out to play a superhero like Iron Man in no less than 4 films before this. (Even Michael Keaton only played Batman twice, and he’s a HUGE sell-out.)

But the studio isn’t done yet. The tooling costs involved in building the suit were so extensive that the studio needs to make at least 3 more profitable Iron Man movies to offset that initial cost. So expect an Iron Man 4 and two more Avengers movies. I hear they’re all coming out next June. And if all goes well, look for Iron Man to make cameos in Hunger Games: Catching Fire and Blades of Glory 2.

Rating: 



Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

USELESS FITNESS: NAKED YOGA

I'm all about getting fit. I could watch people exercise all day.  But this?

Men's Naked Yoga? I get the freedom of the mind and body, the barrier breaking, and the back to nature elements.

But that just leads to my next question: EDMONTON? 

Seriously.  There's video here!

Brrrr....

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

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Monday, January 28, 2013

USELESS DIY PROJECT # 001: HIDDEN EXTERIOR DOORWAY

I want to build this for my house!  It's an amazing development!


Then I realized I don't have a grow-op, or anything to hide from.  And I don't have any other area of the home to enter into from the main floor.

... still ...

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

Thanks to MAKE: for the dream!

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Thursday, January 24, 2013

USELESS SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS: LI NA TENNIS SERVE

I believe that tennis is just ping pong played ON the table,
but even I've not missed a serve this bad.
I've also never won a match at the Australian Open. 
Touche, Li Na.  Touche.
 

Keep your eye on the ball!
 
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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

USELESS LUNCH # 003: CHUNKY SOUP EATS LIKE A MEAL



Today's Special: Campbell's Chunky Prime Rib with Vegetables, hearty broth with chunks of carrot and potatoes for a cold winter day.  Spoon or fork, this meal is perfectly portion-sized for 10-12 year old girls. Bowl not included. 

Filling, but not long lasting..


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USELESS RETAIL PROMOTIONS: NESTLE BOGO FREE

I was shopping last night and found this.  I guess the deal really is WHILE QUANTITIES LAST.

We have an inventory problem

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Monday, January 21, 2013

HONOURARY USELESS MEN #001: THIS GUY

Another new feature for 2013 is the HONOURARY USELESS MAN.
You can nominate your Useless Man by sending us a link, description, picture or something... Anything.

This week we honour (in a Canadian spelling sort of way) THIS GUY:


We applaud his concern for the mouse.  But there is a reason they are called House Mice and not Wild Mice.  And now we all know the difference.

Stay Useless, my Friends.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

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Saturday, January 19, 2013

USELESS DEAL OF THE DAY: SUPERBOWL IN NEW ORLEANS

2008 Subaru sleeps 4 or 5, boasts cloth interior seats, CD player
and 2 cig lighters. 4 doors for easy in and out. Roomy and cozy.
3 ft x 4 ft interior. 12 square feet!!  True French Quarter living.

That's right folks! Superbowl in New Orleans is quickly approaching!

Who will it be? Falcons, Patriots, Ravens, 49ers.  All good teams this year.

Get your reservations in early in case your favorite team makes it to the BIG GAME!

Located "in the scenic French Quarter, just a short stumble to the Superdome and within crawling distance back from Bourbon!" Only $1800.00 per night!

Check out the full ad on Craigslist, and remember, most major credit cards are accepted. And most gas cards!


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Friday, January 18, 2013

QUESTION # 686: CARPENTER SCHOOL OF ROCK

Dear Useless Men,

I have a friend who wants to know if Useless Men make good carpenters? 

Gina 

Dear Gina,

As a matter of fact, it has been tested and proven that none of the Useless Men make good Carpenters at all. Not that it hasn't been tried before, but the results range from lackluster and uninspiring to horrifying and traumatic.

Early in our days we decided we should tap into our utter uselessness and try to make some money since we were Flat Baroque. After several days of thinking it over, we were on Top Of The World when it was decided that we should try and become Carpenters.

We'd Only Just Begun when it was apparent we were not ever likely to get a Ticket To Ride. There were many attempts at a successful outcome but we couldn't deny that as Carpenters it was clear our career Wouldn't Last A Day.

Suggestions were made that we should just give it up and when we decided to brainstorm to come up with other ideas There's a Kind of Hush that fell over the Useless Offices. Most of us couldn't hope for anyone to spend their hard earned money on our product so we decided it was time to move on.

One Useless Brother was the only one who didn't give up on the dream. He stuck with it on his own and managed to produce this wonderful piece.

Oh well......maybe we should have stuck to woodworking.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat



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USELESS FUNNY FRIDAY

Your Useless Funny Friday for Friday, January 18th, 2013


Also in GIF form!


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