QUESTION # 682: A STEP TOWARDS SHAVING

Dear Useless Men,

I came across your blog and I loved it! I can see that you've done an amazing job there, with your unique content I bet your readers are always looking forward to what you write next. I read your blog posted on January 10, 2007 with a question on how to shave and cut hair and I think our product would be great for your readers.

I work for Ultimate Personal Shaver. I am sending samples to bloggers of the Ultimate Personal Shaver for review. We designed and created this product from scratch and it has been upgraded and improved over the last two years. I feel this is the best and easiest way to shave your entire body. Not many people think of personal shavers when it comes to hair removal, as the majority knows and uses razors, waxing or laser hair removal. The Ultimate Personal Shaver is a two part system that will take all unwanted hair away. The trimmer trims the hair down to stubble and the shaver takes the stubble away and leaves smooth skin.

I look forward to hearing from you.

All the Best,

April
UltimatePersonalShaver.com

PS - If you order the Ultimate Personal Shaver kit, a free blade/foil kit is sent with each order, and free is always good!


Dear April,

You've put me in an awkward spot. I’m not used to talking about my body or the fact that it is hairy and not in a good hairy. More like that weird hair. I have hair in spots that monkey’s don’t! It doesn’t get more unwanted than that.

What I do want is good beard hair. I have always wanted to grow a beard. While I can only WISH to grow a good lumberjack beard in the winter, I know I can't. I try to do it each spring under the guise of a "playoff" beard. I just shave it off when it gets bothersome, and blame it on the San Jose Sharks inability to get it down when it counts. (I used to cheer on the Maple Leafs, but if I started growing a beard for them to MAKE the playoffs, I'd look like those guys from ZZ Top).

But I see a purpose for our reader out there. I’ll go along with you on this. And in the name of all that is Useless, I have tried your personal shaver.

But I’m new to this whole personal grooming thing. It makes me really nervous. Where do you start? Or more appropriately, where do I STOP? I thought I’d just start with one of those private areas, those areas you don’t want to share with the public, in photographs on the internet no matter what free stuff you get offered.

For the good reader of Useless Men, I did just what the product said, and I’ll tell you, I’ve never had smoother skin. It’s a small step, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Now, when I take off those intimate undergarments, and reveal those private hidden parts to my spouse, she will swoon, and maybe even cry.
I hope she likes them. The greatest little toes in the neighbourhood. I can wear sandals again!

Thank you Ultimate Personal Shaver! My wife will let me sleep without socks finally. Well, once I get those nails clipped. Got anything for that?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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USELESS EXCUSE # 006: _AWN SHO_ LETTERS

In the absence of actually posting replies for way too long, we will try to appease our loyal followers with a new feature we call Useless Excuses. I hope you are both happy.

DUE TO THE ECONOMIC CRISIS, HAD TO SELL LETTERS K,P,Q,X, AND Z.

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USELESS EXCUSE # 005: I'M LOST IN TIME

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CAN'T GET MY HEAD AROUND THE TIME TRAVEL THEORY OF LOST. NEED TO WATCH ALL THREE BACK TO THE FUTURE MOVIES AGAIN.

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QUESTION # 681: REPRODUCABLE LETTERS

Dear Useless Men,

I am a terrible letter writer and often forget to send off cards to friends and relatives for their birthdays, anniversaries or, really, any occasion. What can I do?

Signed,
____________


Dear ____________,

What can you do? You don’t realize it, but you’ve already done it by writing to us.

I find I’m constantly not realizing things I’ve done, at least not until it starts to burn. So we’re right on the same page here. However, being the internet, that analogy is not apt. So let’s say we’re on the same screen. Or in the same chat room. Hey - what’s your username? I’m Bigdaddy59. Bigdaddy69 was taken, so I figured this was close enough.

Where was I? Right.

Now, I must admit I’m not the best letter writer either, but since you took the time to write to us, knowing full-well we are entirely useless (save for chatroom flirtation), I’m certainly going to take the time to do this for you. Allow me to apologize to your family and friends on your behalf and offer the following multi-use greeting:

“Dear mom(s), dad(s), brother(s), sister(s), bro’s, ho’s, grandparents both in a state of consciousness and deceased, oma(s), opa(s), baba(s), aunt(s), uncle(s), cousin(s), double cousin(s) <---(insert wikipedia link to double cousins here) friends and all those who have been forgotten, abandoned and neglected by ____________,

On his/her behalf, I wish you the following on the condition that you adhere to my KFC-style rule of NO SUBSTITUTIONS!

Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, have a crackin’ Easter, Shabbat Shalom, Happy Anniversary and/or divorce, Congrats on the successful gall-bladder surgery, and Congratulations on your Wedding and/or Graduation, hopefully not in that order.

Yours truly,
____________”

There. That should cover most of the standard relatives for the standard occasions. Just copy and paste!

May you and your various relations enjoy that letter to its utmost. It is, after all, a majestic gem. Whenever you read it, I would like you to remember our generosity, and more importantly, write us a thank-you letter so we can cover up the “frustration holes” punched in the wall of the useless office. If you can’t be bothered to write the letter, just send us an email and we’ll write it for you.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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USELESS EXCUSE # 004: HOW DID HE DO THAT?

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APPLICATION FOR THE BACHELOR WAS REJECTED. THEN IT WAS ACCEPTED AFTER THE OTHER GUY DIDN'T WORK OUT.

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USELESS EXCUSE # 003: ONLY TWO?

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TWO WORDS: NEVER ENDING BASEMENT RENOVATION PROJECT WITH OVER RUNS.

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USELESS EXCUSE # 002: I LIKE CHINESE

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BEEN STUCK IN A CHINESE FINGER TRAP FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.

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USELESS EXCUSE # 001: EXCUSE ME?

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EDITING ALL THE STUPIDITY OUT OF MY GEORGE W BUSH DOCUMENTARY IS TAKING LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED.

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QUESTION # 680: WE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN DOUGH TO JAYNE FOR HER BIRTHDAY INSTEAD

Dear Useless Advisors,

I am stuck at work for my birthday (8am - 6pm) and would like a few tips for how I can still enjoy the day. I work in an administrative, stuffy suit job in Manhattan.

~Jayne Dough

Dear Jayne Dough,

Apparently you are as much of a loser as I am if you can't make plans after 6pm. I feel your pain there. Since you have no active nightlife, the obvious answer is to make your birthday an event at work. By your asking of this, I have to assume your employer is unaware of your birthday, and by extension, unaware of you as well. This gives you free reign to celebrate it in any way you see fit.

I recommend sleeping in on one's birthday to recharge your cells. Once refreshed you head into work only find that some kind soul (yourself) has sent you flowers. If you don't like the idea of people thinking you sent them yourself, then sign a different name on the card. Better yet, get really drunk and then go order them so you'll have no recollection of getting them sent. This will make it a true surprise and will put no undue strain on your acting skills.

With the grand entry and the flowers out of the way your co-workers and boss will realize the error of their ways. This is only a possibility though. Leave nothing to chance! You'll want to make sure they never forget again so further steps must be taken.

Have a singing telegram so everyone who is stooping down in the cube farm to avoid making eye contact with the birthday girl will pop up out of their hole like a gopher. This is only a level one option. Your workplace may require more extreme measures such as stripper grams, that Naked Cowboy from Times Square NYC, or a novelty cake that someone jumps out of. Just make certain to bake it first before putting the person inside. You'll avoid a long afternoon with the police that way. Then again, it will get you out of work for your birthday so maybe just do this first thing in the morning…

Once it's all over, go home and have a drink, secure in the knowledge that next year's birthday will not go unnoticed.

Sincerely (belatedly),
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 679: MURPHY'S LAW OF GPA

Dear Useless Men,

Does general personal attitude (optimism or pessimism) have any direct bearing or influence over the application of Murphy's Law?

Noname

Dear Noname,

General Personal Attitude is very powerful, and very dark. If you are not careful, you can be overwhelmed quickly, as the name is deceiving. Thus is the nature of evil and its constant trickery. Kind of like how 4 pitchers of beer seems good at first, with all the deliciousness and pleasant side effects. Then, when you’re least expecting it, BAM! The deception is revealed as you spend the rest of the night going through the escalating stages of your defeat. It starts with unrelenting pee, followed by merciless vomiting, and finally, the ultimate humiliation of waking up naked beside your best buddy’s tiny Nonna and an empty can of Reddi Wip.

The General has influence over lots of things, like a vast number of undead troops, and a few majors and lieutenants, and even a little over his own wife - but not Murphy Law. As Murphy Law, you must use your cunning and skill as you infiltrate his command centre to stop his vile and tortuous reign over 18th century France.

If you reach the remote battlefield command post before midnight on the 12th day, Gen. Personal Attitude takes the form of Commander Optimism. He is easiest to defeat, especially if you’ve already acquired the spell of drunken happiness. If, however, you reach the remote battlefield command post on the 13th day, the General takes the form of Pessimism and instantly hits you with a bad luck curse. You can’t avoid this.

His power appears limitless, but that is because his energy bar is not visible until you acquire the Cube of Revelation. This is located in the Field of Despair. Leave immediately and get the Cube of Revelation. When you have it, enter the cave to your right. There is a rock you couldn’t move before because of your lack of willpower, but now you will be able to. Behind it is a spell book that contains the final spell, “Believe”.

Immediately go back to the command post and confront The General. Your first attack won’t work due to the bad luck curse, so don’t waste your spells. After The General tells you he’ll make you his right-hand man if you join his side, cast the first spell. Murphy Law will declare, “I don’t believe you!” The General will be caught off guard and if you’re quick you can hit him with the spell again. Law will yell,”That’s impossible!” Finish him off with the same spell and Murphy Law will say, “Your glass is half EMPTY, General!”

The General will begin to crumble as his minions flee. He will scream, “How could you defeat me, the most powerful being on earth? Nooooooo!”
Seems impossible, but that’s Murphy Law for you.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 678: NO MYSTICAL TELEKINETIC NINJAS HERE

Dear Useless Friends,

So, I have been reading since before you got a useless clock and have seen many questions about relationships answered, so I wanted to pose one of my own.

I highly enjoy the company of this guy who lives in my dorm building. For some reason everytime I am around him, I become very clumsy. A week and a half ago I accidently knocked tea over onto his Mac (and he is a computer engineering major, so doubly bad). He still is friendly and we hang out quite frequently, however I still find it very hard to make my feet function normally. Sometimes I don't realise he is there until I have fallen down and he is there.

...

As I am writing this I suddenly realise that he is also a black belt at kung fu, so... what if he is passive agressivly upset about his poor computer still being in the shop and is using some mystic kung fu energy to knock me over everytime he is close to me and that is why he invites me to be around him?

Crushing, but hopefully not crushed.

Dear Crushing,

First off, let me just make it clear that I do not believe in the existence of telekinetic ninjas with mystic powers. However, there is most definitely a group of basement-dwelling 32-year-old dungeon masters* who will vehemently disagree with me. But, assuming I’m wrong, and I usually am, you’ll need to impress this computer engineering friend of yours to change the current course of events.

His computer, and its safe return, is the key. There are a number of big stores such as Future Shop that offer repair services to computers and he could have taken the damaged computer to any one of these locations. To impress him, you need to locate the exact store, steal the computer, fix it yourself, and return it to him. In order to accomplish this, you may have to do some learnin’.

If you look at bulletin boards around campuses or drug stores, you can often find people offering computer classes or repair classes on the cheap to help pay for their schooling and/or Mary Jane addiction. I suggest taking one of these nerds up on their offer of computer repair courses. You might also find some great bargains on “mildly stained” and “gently used” couches. If you see anything interesting, call me. We need another place to sleep in the office as I can’t seem to make my rent anymore thanks to One Useless Man’s stingy paychecks.

Anyway, in a few short months you should have learned how to repair his computer. But it sounds to me like there is another issue you’ll need to overcome. The problem is your clumsiness, IE your ‘fat fingers’, which make your hand movements clumsy. Now, surgery might be the best option here. That is, if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life whacking the keyboard with your palms, potentially endangering any tall plant, hot beverage, or Lego CN Tower within your 3 ft. radius.

Don’t worry. In a few short months your surgery should have healed nicely and you will be ready to fix his computer. All that’s left to do is find the shop he brought it to, steal it, fix it, and return it to him with a big red bow on it. If he took it to Future Shop, they likely haven’t even looked at it yet, so you’re good.

My last bit of advice is when working on the computer: just make sure you resist the temptation to load his hard drive with naked swooning photos of yourself. I know this may come as a surprise, but this sexy and heartwarming act may actually backfire. Take it from me – I know from experience.

Oh wait, you said it was a Mac? Gosh.

Sorry. I can’t help you.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

* I officially do not recognize the title of dungeon master and therefore refuse to capitalize it. Suck it, dungeon masters.


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