QUESTION # 135: ARE YOU HIRING?

Dear Useless Men,

Knowing that you are down to 3 writers, as mentioned in Question 122, and assuming that you want 4, please consider my application for the open position.

Firstly, I believe I am highly qualified for this position due to the fact that I am a man, and therefore genetically predispositioned to being useless.

Please see my list of accomplishments & experience below:

I am knowledgeable about cooking, as I have a wealth of experience making ice cubes and toast. (It takes a special and rarely-found talent to be able to burn ice cubes.)
I've won many an argument by turning the TV up louder.
I can stealthfully place a ball between two bottles.
I can pull off the Ultra Combo with Sabrewulf.
And any combination of these abilities is helpful and sometimes profitable at bachelor parties. Oh, that's another skill I possess. I am fully qualified to attend and/or plan Bachelor parties. A very good ability to have, if you ask me. There's a fine line between the ultimate bachelor party and an overnighter in jail, and I know where that line lies.

Some may say my skills are useless in our modern society, but I disagree, and that is why I would be happy if you'd seriously consider me for whatever it is you wanted.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

Dear Useless Wonder,

The offices of Useless Men have considered your unsolicited applications and come to the following results.

I, One Useless Man, noted that we hadn’t asked for this application, so by submitting it, it would seem The Useless Wonder engaged in a useless activity. I know the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NHL are not looking for another goalie or centerman, particularly one that doesn’t skate, but I still sent them an application for a tryout (and had an agent contact them regarding my free-agency rights). That turned out to be a fruitless and useless activity.

Just Plain Useless quickly noted that The Useless Wonder didn't capitalize Useless, which means he's totally useless.

And finally, Any More Useless, I’d Be A Cat replied that despite his useful cooking skills we are interested.

In the words of Donald Trump, but without the hair issues, or the money, or the reality TV series, I would like to say, “You’re Hired.”

To our loyal readers, I’ve added a new email address forward area to our trademarked Advice Randomizer, allowing the occasionally morsel of useless requests to fall in the lap of this highly motivated, but somewhat misguided individual. Feel free to send in YOUR questions, queries or thoughts, and enjoy the useless musings of our newest Useless Man, The Useless Wonder.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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