QUESTION # 21: PERSONAL GAL OPINION

Dear Useless Men,

I have always believed that the personals were a dynamic of 10,000 frogs competing for the attentions of 4 wayward princesses.

I'm I wrong? Are they worth any of my time?

Signed,
Nigel

Dear Nigel,

What would we know about wayward princesses? The fact that men are still getting women amazes us. Not to be left without useless advice, I turned to a most useless blogger, our friend Karen at Karentertainment Dot Com. She could use the gig right now.

Here is HER opinion:

Your outlook on life may be the source of your singleness. Rather than think, "if I read the personals, I'll just be another of the 10,001 frogs out there", you should think more positively. Let the ladies know, "I'm a frog, but I can read!" (as exciting as the personal ads are, most frogs cannot read.) Or you could creatively market yourself as "prince in progress".

Now, perhaps there are only four wayward princesses, but have you considered pairing up with any of the other women in the personals? The personals dynamic includes 2000 princesses-with-outdated-maps,
3000 princesses-who-know-decisively-where-they-want-to-go, 4000 princesses-with-flexible-destinations, and 300 or so princess-house-squatters. If you are only interested in wayward-type princesses, your problem might be pickiness.

Nonetheless, if you persist in your preference for those rare wayward princesses, there is another strategy available. You need to even the quantities of supply and demand. Either start squishing your competition (the other frogs), or start posting misleading signs anywhere women congregate (thus getting them lost and making more of the princesses wayward.) With the right signage and strategic positioning of arms, one just might wander into your embrace.

Good luck Nigel!

Sincerely,
The Occassional Useless Gal


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QUESTION # 20: LET ME CHECK

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men undermine women? If I tell my boyfriend that I have a flat tire, why does he have to go out and "check" if it's flat. I'm not stupid, I have a flat tire!

Why won't they just take your word for it and move on, or just offer to fix it or call someone to fix it, or tell me where to go and fix it it. The same rings true for "the sink is plugged" "the tub is plugged" or "there's a flood in the basement" .

Please tell me, do they think we're stupid or what?

Signed,
I'm NOT Stupid


Dear Stupid,

Men are in the process of evolving a critical survival instinct that we will effectively refer to as 'pretending to care.' You would have sent a very different e-mail if he didn't get up to check the tire! It'd probably go something like this:

Dear Useless Men,

Why don't men care about what women have to say? If I tell my boyfriend that I have a flat tire, why doesn't he go out to "check" that it's flat? I'm not a robot, I want him to take an interest in the things that are affecting me!

Why can't they just get up off their lazy butts and check? At least that would show me that he's interested in what I have to say! The same rings true for "the sink is plugged" "the tub is plugged" or "there's a flood in the basement". Please tell me, do they even think about us at all?

You see, it's all about showing women that we care. The life of a man in a serious relationship is best personified by a tight rope walker, but instead of a net down below there are piranhas. And acid. And lava. And broken glass and rusty nails and telemarketers selling life insurance. He is constantly traversing that tightrope and his brain is working in overdrive; is it best to fall to the left today and be ripped apart by ravenous fish while being cut to ribbons, or fall to the right and be boiled alive while offered universal coverage by polite young men in suits? Some people call this "damned if you do and damned if you don't"; others call it marriage.

In your case, your boyfriend has chosen that you be upset with him for caring rather than you be upset with him for not caring. Hope this has been completely useless! Next week we can discuss your disturbing penchant for "plugging" perfectly good fixtures!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 19: MUSICAL MADNESS

Dear Useless Men,

I'm just wondering...is there a way to get people to stop singing me the"Kelly Song" from Cheers whenever they meet me? Everytime I meet someone,they get this proud smile on their face and say "Remember that 'Cheers' episode...?" Yes, dammit, I remember. How could I forget. Thanks for being so freakin' original, genius. Then they start in with the "Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly K-E-L-L-Y.....WHY? Because she's Kelly Kelly Kelly...."That's not even how you spell my name, so it doesn't even apply!!

Help, they're driving me nuts!!

Not K-E-L-L-Y!


Dear K-E-L-L-Y,

If the spelling is your only problem then you should get a name tag. Otherwise, you may want to consider changing your name to something not heard of in song.

Since you're going to be doing this anyway you should take the opportunity to write your own name song. Make it loud, make it proud, and record it. If you are musically inept then consider getting a starving ad student from a local college to write you a jingle. Carry a playback device with very loud speakers at all times and when somebody starts singing, you can stop them.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"I thought it was funny."

"Well it's not so if you are going to sing do it right"

Play the song very loudly and sing along even louder. Encourage them to join in by handing them a lyrics sheet.

You shouldn't have to worry about anybody bothering about your name again. Possibly bothering you at all at that point.

If you're lazy, just slap them in the face and walk away, but violence isn't always the answer. You really should take pride in all that you do though, at least that's what Mom told me when I cleaned the house and cooked dinner while she watched the soaps.

Sincerely
Any More Useless and I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 18: HELP, I'M TRAPPED

Dear Useless Guys

My wife and I both work day jobs and share all housework. She takes care of the feeding of our family and I take care of the laundry. The house cleaning is shared by the two of us.

This arrangement seems to have worked for a while but now our 7 year old daughter has developed the habit of changing clothes whenever she feels the urge is starting to drive me insane. She sheds more layers than a snake.

Am I wrong or at the end of the week should there be seven dirty outfits (Maybe 1-2 extra if there were outings on the weekends)? It's like I have a few clones of her around generating laundry and I only bump into one at a time. Every week, it seems like I wash every piece of clothing she owns while my wife tells me, "Girls are like that with clothes."

My wife and I had three siblings each, mine were all brothers and hers were sisters so she has more experience than I do.

Experience be damned, how do I get my laundry loads down to a sensible level.

Sincerely,
Trapped under a mountain of clothes.


Dear Trapped,

Well clothes boy, I can see the first problem right away. What on earth are you doing in the laundry room? No wonder your wife simply shrugged it off with that generic comment. If you ask me you had this coming. As soon as you saw that baby girl seven years ago you should have told your wife that you were cooking from that moment on.

Now that you've put your foot in it I guess we'll try to help you out of it. I see two problems here. The first is that your daughter has too many clothes. I'm sure she's got no job since you say she is seven years old, so who bought all these clothes. Now that they are in the house, I think you should look into a large vending machine. Rack all of her clothes in there and give her a set amount of change each week. Once that change has been spent she has to make do with what she's got or earn more change doing some laundry.

You'd better hope this works out quickly because once she gets a little older you don't want to be thinking about washing the kind of clothing she'll be wearing, it's only going to make you cry. Or buy a shotgun

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be a Cat


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QUESTION # 17: LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE

Dear Useless Men,

My ex-hubby, just before we separated, went to work one evening and was supposed to return by midnight. He did not and at about 4 am after calling around trying to make sure he was ok and not finding him, I got in my car and drove to his place of work.

Now 4 am at a Wal-Mart parking lot there are about 10 cars and at least 8 of them are people that work there. His big blue truck no where in sight, I return home to wait.

Finally at 11 the next day he returns acting like nothing has gone on. He says he fell asleep in his truck in the parking lot that I searched in fear that he was hurt. He still maintains to this day that he was not at the girls house that he left me for. I believe with all my heart that he is lying.

What do you think?

Signed
No more lies


Dear No More Lies,

Based on your letter, I think he is lying. Not because of his story, but because of math. Here is why:

Let’s pretend this started on a Friday, since weekends are when guys are most tired. I don’t know what time he left, but you say he was supposed to be home by midnight. By 4AM of what is now Saturday, you say his truck can’t be found.

Giving the Ex the benefit of the doubt, I don’t know if he is a sleepwalker but that could be carried over to driving, and he could have driven to a coffee shop drive-thru in his sleep right at the time that you were prowling the parking lot. (Speaking of which, 10 cars are in the lot, 8 are employees, one should be your ex sleeping… what’s the other car doing there? Someone better call security!)

This is where I think the whole story falls apart. You say that “at 11 the next day he retuns acting like nothing has gone wrong.” If you were looking for him at 4AM on a Saturday morning, 11 the next day would be Sunday. I’ll give him the benefit here and assume it was 11 AM. AM or PM, my point is that your ex slept in a Wal-Mart parking lot for at least 35 full hours.

Anyone that sleeps for 35 hours in a row is useless and you are better off without him.

Now here is where I know he is lying. At my local Wal-Mart, if I sit in my car for more than 2 minutes, I can be sure someone will honk or something to indicate that they are waiting for me to pull out to take my spot. I don’t know what kind of alarm clock you use at your house, but I’d like to think that if someone honked a car horn at me, I’d wake up.

I usually do when I fall asleep... on the highway.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 16: MR FIX-IT

Dear Useless Men,

Why is it that my husband is more than willing to help other people fix broken things around their houses but when it comes to OUR house it's put off for years and years? Should I go ahead and attempt to fix broken things myself?

~Adrienne

Dear Adrienne,

You should not attempt to fix things yourself. You might as well take away your husband’s genitalia if you start doing that.

The problem is not your husband’s lack of effort. He clearly likes to fix things. His problem is a lack of good friends, who should be the ones coming over to your house to fix your broken things. It’s that pay it forward scheme.

Hubby goes to friend A’s house to fix some plumbing. Friend A comes to your house to fix some drywall.

Perhaps Hubby (we LOVE being called Hubby) is helping the wrong friends. What good is fixing the drywall friends plumbing if you don’t need any drywall work done?

Maybe you should talk to your hubby about his friends. Then again, that might just be useless…

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 15: BITING THE HAND... YADA, YADA, YADA

Dear John Kerry,

My mother-in-law has a useless dog that she insists she must bring with her when she visits us. Not only does she insist that she is bringing him along, but she further insists that she is going to sleep with him in our bed when she gets here.

The useless dog lives with her in Atlanta, Georgia and we live with 2 semi-useless cats in Memphis, Tennessee. Now, it seems to me that unless the dog can drive it really is just a cruel thing to make him travel all that way just to have me send his ass to the dog pound. But just to be a good son-in-law I said she is welcomed to sleep with the dog out back in the yard where his smelly ass belongs.

Now she's all mad at me as if I weren't letting her bring the dog or something. By the way, he's a giant Labrador who pees on everything and whatever he hasn't peed on, he tries to eat. Sometimes he pees on something and then eats it. Such a lovely animal clearly does not need to travel all this way.

My question is this, how do I kill the dog without my mother-in-law finding out it was me? Alternatively, how do I kill the mother-in-law without the dog finding out it was me?

Sincerely,
Animal Lover in Memphis

Dear Animal Lover,

A wise person once said “when life gives you lemons make lemonade” or something like that. I have no idea what it means but I do know this. Your mother-in-law is your wife’s mother. So if you want to stay happily married you better not mess with her.

My advice would be to deal with the dog first. Insist on taking the dog for a run. This will make the mother-in-law happy. Take the dog to a boarding kennel and pay for as long as you think the mother-in-law will be visiting for. Before you go back home tear your shirt and pants and roll in the dirt. Peel an onion just before you go in the house to make tears. Tell the mother in law that the dog ran off. Explain how you tried to find it. The torn clothes and tears will back up your story.

Now, for the rest of her visit, insist that you have to look for the dog. This gets you out of the house so you can party with your buddies. Just make sure to look sad when you get home late at night.

On the day she’s supposed to leave insist on going out looking one last time. Pick up the dog at the boarding kennel. You will be the family hero. Accept the ensuing praise graciously.

One last thing. If the mother-in-law decides to stay for a few more days insist on taking the dog for another run.

Yours Truly,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 14: MIXED VEGGIES

Dear Useless Men,

I am a strict female vegetarian, and I am single. I have dated a meat eater before, and he tried to sneak meat into my food, so I dumped him. Do you think that vegetarianism is the cause of my singleness?

Mary Moe

Dear Mary Moe,

There are lots of vegetarians in the world who are married so I don’t think that being one would cause you to not get married.

I think the problem is in the men you are going out with. Meat eaters rarely understand the vegetarian lifestyle. So I think you need to find a male who is also a vegetarian.

My suggestion is to hang around in grocery stores next to the aisle that sells products for gas and bloating. Being a vegetarian you are probably eating lots of beans and stuff that causes these symptoms so you will know where this aisle is.

Watch for men buying these products. It may take a while because this aisle is usually filled with old ladies, but be patient. Potential mates will show up eventually.

Yours truly,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 13: THIS MAVEN'S GOT ISSUES

Dear Useless Men,

I know this guy. He starts my day off with great chuckles and snickers with his misguided humor and antics. Just when I've gotten all comfy cozy reading his blog, he now speaks of moving on. I don't get it.

Now I have to change my morning ritual and as a person of habit, this greatly unnerves me. Sure I realize this blog program sucks dried moose pellet, never loads, and scrambles our pages into unreadable drivel, but has he no patience? I'm not sure I can handle clicking on a link to get to his new weblog site. I've never been tutored to take on such a task. Change screws me all up!

He "says" he'll still visit my little blog, but guys say a lot of s**t that they don't really mean. I feel abandoned, abused.

What sort of useless advice would you offer for such a dilemma?

signed,
The Issues-Maven


Dear Issues-Maven,

This man reminds me a lot of a friend of mine.

First he lost his apartment and then he got so upset with the landlords that he said he was moving out. He is such a drama queen. Well drama king I guess.

He was feeling abandoned and abused in his old apartment. Well he never really felt raped. I just added that part for effect. I advised him to move to a different apartment rather than commit the inevitable suicide.

He worried that everyone he knew in the old apartment block would abandon him. So I told him to hold an open house and he did. And most everyone came.

Now they visit back and forth as though nothing has changed. And he is at peace once again.

I’ve read your blog. It’s one of my favorites. I would come back if I was him. So I think you should give this guy a chance. Not all men are bad. He sounds just like my friend. And my friend has never abandoned or abused anyone yet. He really is kind of a baby though.

But I’m sure the guy you're talking about isn’t like that.

Yours truly,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 12 : ADVOCATE'S ANONYMOUS

Dear Useless Men,

I just want to say, first of all, that your advice is truly useless, and it hasn't helped me a bit. Well maybe a little bit. You make me laugh and I completely forget why I am holding the butcher knife calling my husband to "come into the kitchen for a minute."

How come when I tell him about how someone else has done something incredibly stupid, he finds a way to side with the other person?? Doesn't he know he is supposed to show me unending loyalty and support and NEVER side with anyone else, even hypothetically? I don't need someone playing "Devil's Advocate" or trying to help me see a different perspective.

Help.

Signed,
Just shut up and listen


Dear Shut Up and Listen,

To understand the nature of this question, we must first dissect the words 'women' and 'men' to find the fundamental differences that lie therein. Shall we begin?

The first half of 'woman' is 'wom', which we all know is latin forfreakin' insane. It doesn't matter what the rest of the word is because really, the wom just overshadows it with abject psychosis.

Now we come to 'men'. The first half of 'men' is 'me', and as you probably have realized, I am Useless.

The second half is an 'n'. n is the mathematic denotation of a variable in geometry which, before it is defined, can technically represent any possible number, real or imagined.

With all this in mind we can draw but one conclusion: women are psychotic and men are utterly devoid of any practical application,real or imagined, a personified literal opposite of the Thneed of Lorax fame.

What does all this mean? It means if, as a female, you fly off the handle and go "DID YOU SEE THAT GUY? HE HONKED AT ME! THAT JERK!", men are biologically predisposed to answer with "Now, honey, maybe he had a reason to. For instance, 3 of those 4 pedestrians you plowed over to pull into this parking space might have been his friends. And he is, after all, the one with the disabled placard" which is utterly useless information as any woman worth her salt knows that the disabled parking spaces are just decoys to throw off the idiots that don't mind parking almost five yards from the entrance.

Advocately yours,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 11 : MUMBLING MAYHEM

Dear Useless Men,

So my husband does this thing at night. He sort of mumbles and growls in his sleep. I've tried to hold conversations with him and he usually says things like, "we dont' need that chain store here!" and "we are a scary octopus...".

My question is, should I continue trying to hold these "conversations" with Husbando? They are very funny for me, but maybe not so fair to him. I don't want to screw too much with his subconcious and whatnot.

Whatdaya think, guys?

Amanda B.

Dear Amanda B,

To begin I must say that your husband is a lucky man to have you. Most wives would have shared this embarrassing information with the world causing the husband great humiliation.

For goodness sakes yes, keep talking to your husband while he sleeps. The more he gets to talk to you at night the less he will have to talk to you in the daytime. And trust me, men really don’t want to talk to their wives any more than they have to when they’re awake. It just leads to trouble.

And we men don’t usually say anything that makes much sense to women anyways so you get the benefit of holding a normal conversation with your husband and he gets to sleep through it without offending you. If it amuses you all the better. Keep it up.

I predict a long and happy marriage as a result.

Yours truly,
Another Useless Man


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WEEKEND DILEMMA: QUESTION # 10

This weekend, we will be looking at one question from three different perspectives. I now present three disertations on Question # 10.

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QUESTION # 10: ANSWER ATTEMPT 1

Dear Useless Guys,

I am a 25 year-old woman thinking of settling down. A lot of women my age go for "husband-types" that work a stable job and treat them well. But I have something different in mind.

I want a tall, dark, and handsome man, lean and muscular, wearing nothing but a loincloth, to cater to my every whim and respond to the title "Karen's ManSlave". He can pamper me day and night and never ask for anything in return.

Do you think this is the way to lifelong happiness, or should I reconsider the boring husband-type route?

Karen

P.S. Any advice on where I could find a guy like this?


Dear Karen,

I'll throw my hat in the ring on this one. I figure I'm a pretty good option to answer these inquiries since if I was any more useless, I would be a cat.

First off, I think you should stick to your guns. If you thought the husband types were of any use to you, you would have already collected one or two by now. Would you rather a servant or somebody to pick up after and find things for?

As to where to find this poor creature, I wouldn't recommend going to places like bars or sporting venues where us useless types hang out. For a guy this pliable you really want to see if your Mom has any friends who have virgin sons at home who you could coerce and mold into the form you seek. Trust me, you don't want a guy who has a mind of his own for this one, or any prior relationship experience.

Your best candidate is likely to be mute thereby fulfilling your requirement for not asking for anything for himself (we're needy, us guys). The challenge is to break her hold on him.

Try going on vacation with him and then faking her death. That's about the only way you'll pry a mama's boy of that calibre away from her. Then he'll be looking to cling and voila! A slave all to yourself.

The tall dark and handsome is probably a long shot on this type but like all relationships you will need to make some compromises.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be a Cat


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QUESTION # 10: ANSWER ATTEMPT 2

Dear Useless Guys,

I am a 25 year-old woman thinking of settling down. A lot of women my age go for "husband-types" that work a stable job and treat them well. But I have something different in mind. I want a tall, dark, and handsome man, lean and muscular, wearing nothing but a loincloth, to cater to my every whim and respond to the title "Karen's ManSlave". He can pamper me day and night and never ask for anything in return.

Do you think this is the way to lifelong happiness, or should I reconsider the boring husband-type route?

Karen

P.S. Any advice on where I could find a guy like this?


Dear Karen,

Every girl wants a tall, dark, and handsome loincloth-wearing sex-maniac, it's just that when guys try this it usually results in more restraining orders and less dates! It's a terrible tragedy, I know, but you can place the blame for the dearth of modern day cavemen squarely on your uterus-owning contemporaries who crave power and security over satisfaction.

You see, most women choose Bob Falstein, Accountant By Day, Stamp Collector By Evening, Channel Flipper by Night over URG SMASHER OF MAMMOTHS because Urg cannot be controlled! He's like a whirling dervish of free-will, always doing what he wants with complete disregard to your wishes!

Men like Urg, they can't be trusted. While you're at work, he's out clubbing as many women over the head as possible and driving them back to his cave on his Harley. If you get home and catch him with half the cheerleaders for the Dallas Cowboys, your guilt trips won't work on him. He will laugh at you!

Bob, on the other hand, is spending the day writing you terrible poetry. Look, I found some.

Roses are red Violets are blue
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME
I'M BEGGING YOU
I'LL DO ANYTHING

But that's OK because it's not the quality of the poetry that matters.

No, it's simply the fact that if he's pathetic enough to put feelings to prose it means he's not spending his day dragging other women back to his cave. Urg won't care if you get all huffy if he doesn't call, he'll just take off and find some other woman. Urg won't comfort you if you're sick, he'll just go find a girl that's not coughing up blobs of phlegm the size of Manhattan.

Bob, on the other hand, sweet precious Bob, will sacrifice everything he holds dear just to keep you around to validate his own miserable little existence.

And isn't that what love is really all about?

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 10: ANSWER ATTEMPT 3

Dear Useless Guys,

I am a 25 year-old woman thinking of settling down. A lot of women my age go for "husband-types" that work a stable job and treat them well. But I have something different in mind. I want a tall, dark, and handsome man, lean and muscular, wearing nothing but a loincloth, to cater to my every whim and respond to the title "Karen's ManSlave". He can pamper me day and night and never ask for anything in return.

Do you think this is the way to lifelong happiness, or should I reconsider the boring husband-type route?

Karen

P.S. Any advice on where I could find a guy like this?


Dear Karen,

There is a lot to be said for a husband who has a stable job and treats you well. But why settle for boring when you can have the man of your dreams.

There are lots of men who fall into the category of tall, dark and handsome. And many of them are lean and muscular. A few of them probably would even consent to wearing a loincloth.

Most every man caters to every whim of the woman he marries. Even the boring ones. It’s called survival.
And men of all types will respond to the title “Karen’s ManSlave” or any other name that keeps them out of trouble.

And a certain type of man loves to pamper women and never asks for “anything” in return.

So the choice is yours. Boring and stable or the man of your dreams.

If you go with the man of your dreams I would suggest the best place to look would be in any gay bar.

Yours truly,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 9 : PLENTY OF WOMEN

Dear Useless Men,

Why do all of your questions come from what appear to be women? Where are all the questions from men?

Signed,
A sensitive Guy


Dear Sensitive Guy,

Not all our questions are from women. I think Zap was a guy. But Zap is one of those names that can go either way...

The easy answer is that men are useless. Why would a useless man need useless advice from himself? He is already full of it. Useless advice, that is...

But let me encourage our useless brethren to drop us a line for BBQ tips, or good fishing holes, or mountain climbing is Saskatchewan. We'd be happy to impart our useless advice on you.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 8 : HILLBILLY LIVIN'

Dear Useless Men,

My neighbours are the Beverly Hillbillies and they are all candidates for the Jerry Springer Show. We do not have a back lane and our vehicles are parked out front, on the street.

They have parked a beat up truck with no transmission and a couch and various other pieces of garbage in the back of the truck. It is parked half way between my house and theirs. My parking is limited as it is and they are taking up my space.
There is also an old Cadillac up on jacks. Apparently they are changing the brakes for weeks now.

Twice I have asked nicely if they would move the truck back a few feet so I wouldn't have to back into my parking space in front of my house. Never got done.

I called Bylaw and they were warned. Bylaw told them that I was the one that complained. Now they are being rude to me and threatening me if my dog barks past 11:00 p.m. My dog is never outside, he's with me at work or I let him out before bed. Otherwise you never see or hear my dog.

These people are always outside making noise, cursing, moving their vehicles around, the women have no manners, their vocabulary is limited to F*** this and f*** that.

What do I do and can I use a water cannon? What ???????

Yours forever,
Cursed w/white trash


Dear Cursed,

This is not an uncommon problem. Every neighborhood seems to have one of these families.

I am not sure where you live so I don’t know if a water cannon would be legal or not. It isn’t here so I would try something else.

My suggestions would be:
1) On a moonless night mention to them that you saw some of their handsome cousins a few blocks away. They’ll go a runnin. Trust me..
2) As soon as they leave set their house on fire. And don’t forget to light up the Cadillac as well.
3) Push their truck into the fire if you can. If you can’t just push it away from your property.

When they return it will be too late. Their house will be gone. All that’s left is to let them know that their Ma and Pa said to come home quick like. Tell them there’s a doins’s goin on..

That should get them to high tail it out of there. And since they have no where to return too you should be free of them for good.

And if this gets you in trouble with the law I would suggest that you try to get the top bunk in your cell when serving your time in the Federal Prison. It’s much cleaner and safer on the top bunk.

Yours truly,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 7: BATHTUB BRIBES

Dear Useless Men,

Is there a way of getting an 8 year old grub in the bath without using a rope and pulley system with tranquilizers? The dirt is starting to crumble in his bed so things are getting quite serious! Thanking you in advance!

ms. mac
xx

Dear Ms. Mac,

First of all thanks for the kisses. We Useless Men like that.

You probably have a bathtub that looks like it’s for adults so the first thing you’ll want to try is to make it look like a boat or a car or a spaceship. Whatever he’s currently into unless it’s nude women. If that’s the case you have a different problem that requires different help.

Anyways, just frame the tub in the new design. You’ll probably have trouble keeping him out of the tub.

And if that doesn’t work you could try paying a group of 8 year old girls to chase him yelling things like “We love you, Stinky” and “ Never bath. We won’t love you any more if you bath.” If that doesn’t make him bath then check his birth certificate.

And as a last resort I suggest putting the tranquilizers in chocolate cake. That always worked on me.

Yours truly,
Another Useless Man
xx


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 6: HANDLING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS

Dear Useless Men,
I am a happily married man who would like to stay that way. I would like to know the best way to evade loaded questions. Beauties like "You like your Mom's cooking better than mine, don't you?" or " Does this look good on me?" are always causing me trouble. I find that the answers that entertain me will likely be the death of me. I tried curling up in a ball on the floor to get away from one once but she just rolled me down the stairs.

Please help,
Happily Married Man

Dear Happily Married Man,
For starters, avoid trying to entertain your wife or yourself at any cost. This is a common problem with most married men. They seem to think that they are allowed to have a sense of humor in the relationship. Women really only marry men to get them to stop trying to be funny.

Next, never roll up in a ball in a house with stairs. If you must roll up make a square or rectangle. You'll be a lot harder to move this way.

Now for the hard questions the secret is to learn how to drool. When she starts cooking just start drooling. When she asks your opinion on her clothes or her hair, just look at her and drool.
The more you can drool the better.

You just can't lose with this technique. If you drool too much she'll leave the room. Not enough you just need a grunt and you'll win her approval. Just the right amount and she'll probably swoon.

One last tip. Drooling during lovemaking is a bad thing.

Signed,
Another Useless Man

If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 5: I CAN'T FIND IT

Dear Useless Men,

How come men cannot find anything?? It's right there!!! Where? There. Where? THERE!!! Where? Get the picture. I have seen my husband actually close a cabinet door and open it again and magically find the object he was desperately searching for and staring at simultaneously.
Please help. I have also noticed this condition in my son's.

Signed: RIGHT THERE!!!!!!

Dear RIGHT THERE!!!!!!

I had a reply for this, but I put it down and now I can't find it anywhere. Have you seen it? Happy, did you see it? Anyone? Maybe I put it in this folder... nope. Let me check that folder again. Nope. Let me check it one last time...

Sorry. If I find it, I'll happily post a reply.

Until then, I remain,

One Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 4 : THE NAME GAME

Dear Useless Men,

My name is Zap. How do I stop people from making a gun out of their finger and thumb and pointing it at me like a gun every time they call my name. "Hey, ZAP!" "Bang!"

Mostly guys do it but a few brash women have as well. I'm perturbed.

Thanks fellows,
Zap


Dear Zap,

This is not an uncommon problem for people with weird names such as yours. I once had a friend named Biff. Every time guys saw him they would make a fist, punch him and say "Biff!"
And my other friend with the last name Bates had it worse. "Master Bates" they'd yell. Even the teachers did it.

So my advice to you is to change your name to a normal persons name. Your current name is just crying out to be made fun of. I'm making a gun out of my finger and thumb as I type for crying out loud.
And another thing. Quit using words like "brash", "perturbed" and "fellows". These are annoying words. Save them for the classroom poindexter.

One last thing. Stay out of the ghetto. The people that live there have gone way beyond making gun shapes with their fingers.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man

If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 3: WHO'S COMPLAINING NOW

Dear Useless Men,

My mom drives me crazy. She is constantly whining that I don't call her, even though she calls me 3 times a day. She doesn't give me a chance to call her even if I wanted to! She'll call just to complain that I don't call. And when she does call, she just complains about her hemmorhoids, sinuses, or other aches and pains. So, why would I want to call and just hear complaining? What should I do?

Signed,
Momma's daughter

Dear Momma’s Daughter,

I can relate. My Dad does this to me. He is useless. It must run in the family.

What I found that worked for me, is I started randomly calling my father three times a day, at work, at home, during his favourite TV show. When I called, he never had anytime to talk. I complained to him about not talking.

Now I don’t give HIM a chance to call.

Besides, she could be doing worse… she could be using the unannouunced visitation technique. I didn’t need a visual on those hemmorhoids Momma.

And based on your list of complaints, it is clear to assume that her sinuses may have been infected by her hemmerhoids, which in order to have done so would have contorted her in some way to cause aches and pains. Please, get her a doctor or at least a hand held mirror.

What kind of daughter are you? Not that I’m complaining…

Sincerely,

One Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 2: REPEAT REPEAT

Dear Useless Men,

Why do I have to repeat myself every time I talk to my husband? Repeating myself is my biggest pet peeve. I often tell my husband that every time I repeat myself to him, the closer I get to murdering him. Still, he keeps asking me the same question(s) over and over. Does he want to die? Does he want me to kill him?

Please HELP. Please HELP.

Love,
Sandy

Love,
Sandy


Dear Sandy Sandy,

Clearly your husband is useless. I can relate.

"Does he want to die?" I would if my wife repeated everything to me all the time. I figure that the more times you repeat things, the shorter his life will seem. It’s like his free will is being sucked right out of him.

Understand, men just want to please. If they please their spouse, life is so much easier. Even if you feel that his demise is worth an extended stint in the joint, it just seems wrong to end it.

Men ask over and over again, because usually, as soon as a man THINKS he knows what to do or where something goes, his partner has changed the answer. It’s always safer to ask again instead of getting the cold shoulder for putting the Jello-mold in the wrong cupboard.

If you have exhausted this effort, perhaps you could try the following steps.

1) When he asks you a question that you have repeatedly answered before, answer with, "I’ve told you once."

2) When he begs off that you haven’t, or he’s forgotten, or the aliens probed that part of his brain and now it doesn’t do well in short term memory situations, encourage him to think it through. Prompt and walk him through the problem solving process.

3) When he tries something, encourage him. Something is better than nothing.

4) Reward good behaviour. It works on hubbies as well as it does to convicts (hint, hint)

Not that I need to remind you of that… Not that I need to remind you of that…

On to other issues in your note: Perhaps you should try other pet peeves. I find laundry and the mis-pronouncation of I-RON very peevie.

Sincerely,

One Useless Man

If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 1: CLOTHING KINDNESS

Dear Useless Men,

My husband is constantly leaving his dirty clothes all over the bedroom floor. He comes to bed, late at night, after I've gone to bed, and just sheds his clothes whereever they fall. He even does this when I'm awake. I don't want to pick up after him. How can I make him stop?

Signed: Tired of stoop and scoop

Dear Mrs. Stoop and Scoop,

Can't you see the love that your husband has for you by leaving his clothes on the floor? When he comes to bed, after a late night of whatever he does, he doesn't turn on the light, or make noise to wake you. Out of loving-kindness, he slips out of his clothes and slips into the . This habit probably started after he was yelled at for always waking you up when he came to bed, turned on the lights and made lots of noise. Problem solved.

The picking up of these clothes is a whole other issue. If you want to tell your loving husband that his kindness is useless, then by all means, force him to pick up his clothes. Otherwise, leave them until they crawl themselves to the laundry, or he runs out of articles to wear.

One final solution is to go to bed at the same time. BUT BE WARNED... if he comes to bed with you at the same time, there may be other issues that could arise in this arrangement.

Sincerely,

One Useless Man

If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

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-------------------

BEHIND THE USELESS

Don't look behind that curtain...

ONE USELESS MAN
Head Useless Man; Engineer of the trademarked Advice Randomizer


Age: Coming up to middle age. Acting like it’s the Middle Ages.
Sex: I beg of you…
Favourite Quote from Pigskin Pete: I’ve met more meals than mealtimes.
Most Often Confused for: Jay Leno. Or Skippy from Family Ties.
Favourite Time Of Day: 11:11

About: Started receiving Useless Advice from his father, who imparted him with knowledge no one really needs. As a child of divorce, his path became like Luke Skywalker, having to become a Jedi without finishing the full training from Master Yoda. "May the Force be Useless."

Personal Homepage: JPTH International



ONE USELESS BROTHER
That Useless younger brother that is always tagging along


Age: New.
Sex: Daily. Unless you mean with someone else.
Favourite Colour: Black and White. I know, black is the absence of colour, and white is all of the colours, so they kind of cancel each other out.
What Kind of Dog would you be: A Weiner Dog. Oh, grow up.
Word Most Often Misspelled: Their, There, They’re … It should always be There, They’re, Their

About: Always prided himself at being useless, and contributing to Useless Advice From Useless Men has given him real purpose. One Useless Brother finally feels ... useful. Ah, Crap!

Personal Homepage: Psychotic Philosophy



ANY MORE USELESS, I’D BE A CAT
Useless since Question # 10


Age: Older than I look and way older than I act.
Sex: At least twice (I've got two kids now - so I hope at least twice!)
Favourite Plant: The Guinness Brewing Plant. That's where they handle the real black gold!
Most Useless Moment: Quite possible it was the day I embraced the dark world of blogging!
Greatest Invention: The Hammock! No wait!! The beer keg. No, no...the Hammock with a draft tap to dispense right into my mouth!

About: He was once trying to live the "normal" life like everyone else. Woke up one morning worn out from the rat race and decided to march to his own drummer. Not owning a drum, Any More Useless, I’d Be A Cat decided to follow the sound of the bagpipes and have been blazing the path ever since. With two kids, a wife, and a dog, his insanity turned out to be a great coping mechanism.

Personal Homepage: Rainy Pete's Unbalanced World



THE USELESS WONDER
Useless Super Powers are hidden under the guise of usefulness


Age: I've celebrated Halloween 30 times.
Sex: Okay, now I’m distracted
Activities in School: The ‘resource’ kids tried to beat us up for the year. Activities that year included hiding in bathrooms, cowering in stairwells and running. Lots of running.
Most Useless Moment: Soccer. The goalie fell down blocking a hard shot. The ball sat in front of me. The crowd to my left started screaming. Confused, I turned to them and asked, "What? I can't hear you! What are you saying?" The screaming continued. Eventually I heard what they were saying: "Kick the ball!" But by then I was surrounded. I kicked in vain. The ball went nowhere. We lost.
Word Most Often Misspelled: teh. I always spell it "the"

About: When he was a boy, he was normal: played with Hot Wheels in the dirt. When he was a teenager, he was weird: played with Lego in the dirt. When he became a man, The Useless Wonder accepted all that came along with that title. He stopped playing in the dirt, but became useless. It's natural evolution.

Personal Homepage: DMC & ME



JUST PLAIN USELESS
Useless International Man of Mystery


Age: 23
Sex: Dude.
Highschool Clubs Joined: 0
Most Useless Phobia: Pantaphobia.
Useless Factoid: Refused to wear blue jeans for 20 years.

About: We could start by saying he was a regular kid, but that would be lying. He was short. Very short. His first crib was a shoebox, and we wish we were exaggerating. As a toddler, Just Plain Useless developed a fiery hatred for the ootsy-wootsy way grown-ups talked, and thus it became a goal to learn how to outsmart adults as soon as possible. He learned that adults, when confronted with the prospect of being outsmarted by a toddler, tend to take the stance that they are absolutely correct because they're older. They really lose their top when said toddler, in his Winnie the Pooh shirt and bright green shoes, points out that, essentially, all their being older meant was that they'd had a lot more practice being wrong.

While satisfying, this won no friends, and once the novelty wore off of ruining JEOPARDY! for his parents every night by calling out the question before Alex Trebek had finished reading the answer, Just Plain Useless began to spend all his time unlearning what he had learned. This became much easier in high school and college for reasons that will be left up to the imagination.

We happily report that Just Plain Useless has successfully completed the transformation, and bears no resemblance to his infantile glory. Being naught but a Useless Man that toils tirelessly away every week for your amusement, asking nothing in return except absolute and incorruptible fealty should the plans for galactic domination ever come to fruition.

Personal Homepage: None



USELESS INTERN
Someone's gotta make the coffee.


Age: Certainly "classic", not quite "antique".
Sex: If you insist ...
Super Power: Temporary 40-point IQ increase (just add alcohol).
Favorite Female Impersonator: Tie between Dame Edna and Rosie O'Donnell
Most Embarrassing Fact: Knows all the lyrics to "Ice Ice Baby". Word to your mother.

About: Born to a band of Western Canadian Gypsies, Useless Intern can count more houses lived in than birthdays celebrated. Be it an inner city apartment, a split-level in the 'burbs, a crooked little condemned shack in a small town, a bomb shelter on a farm, or a house on a cliff overlooking the Pacific, he's done it all.

As the oldest of 7 children, Useless Intern grew up being told, "You should know better!" by every adult he ever came in contact with.

And so he does.

Personal Homepage: It's out there. Can you find it?



ONE USELESS CHICK
The beauty behind the brains.


Age: Glimpsing at a quarter century.
Sex: I'm not One Useless Cock, so that should clarify things.
Favourite Holiday: Halloween takes the candy bar for me! What other day of the year lovingly encourages people to dress sleezy and drink to oblivion? And there is CANDY! You heard me... CANDY...!
Pet Peev: People who use terrible grammar and create their own words.
Most Embarrassing Fact: Once peed on third base. Give me a break! I was FOUR!

About: One Useless Chick grew up in the Golden Horseshoe with her Useless family and a multitude of pets ranging from dogs to cats to Sea Monkeys to salamanders to turtles then back to dogs again. She was captain of her school’s baseball team (long after the unfortunate third base incident) and is always active in many sports. One Useless Chick is thrilled to be the newest useless addition to the Useless Advice from Useless Men team!

Personal Homepage: None



Fondly Remembered
Useless Men that have written for us in the past


ANOTHER USELESS MAN
Former Father of Useless Advice from Useless Men.


Age: Daily.
Sex: I wish.
Favourite Music: I like heavy metal. Bands like The Carpenters, Bing Crosby and Al Jolsen really get me rockin’.
Book I’m Currently Reading: Ha, ha, ha...Did I mention ha, ha,ha…?
Hidden Talent: I can touch my tongue to my hairline. Well, the nose hair line anyways.

About: During his youth Another Useless Man won every award for smartness in school. He was also captain of the basketball team and hockey team. Everyone expected great things from Another Useless Man and he never let them down. Until he discovered that girls had different parts than boys. I think he was 19 at the time. From that point on it was all downhill. He lost his being smart scholarship to Harvard and his chance to play professional basketball and hockey. He eventually got married to a wonderful woman who left him penniless and with three unruly children. His downward slide into uselessness has continued to this very day.

Personal Homepage: Happy & Blue 2



THE OCCASIONAL USELESS GAL
Who We Turn To When We Are Completely Useless

Age: Take the square root of 3, add One Useless Man's age, then divide by pi.
Sex: Not male, so I guess that really narrows down my options.
Activities in School: Being one of the un-cool kids, with all that entails. Wait, can I get a do over?
I Stay Regular By: eating fruits, vegetables, and bran. When I don't do enough of this, I fart a lot and have to blame it on my dog.
I am Useless: a little bit every day, if I am lucky. You gotta make time for these things.

About: The Occasional Useless Gal is here because she needed a non-destructive outlet for her uselessness. She kept getting in trouble at work for her comments because people didn't understand them as humour. The Useless Men around here are occasionally so useless they can't even come up with bad advice to give. That's when the Occasional Useless Gal has to pipe up. She’ll make sure you don't get any constructive advice from this place. It's a useless waste of her time...

… and yours.

Personal Homepage: Karentertainment