QUESTION # 41: SLOW DOWN, YOUNG LADY

Dear Useless Men

I am a 16-year-old girl, raised to be old-fashioned. What has happened to you guys out there?

I keep waiting for a guy to approach me and have no luck. Most of my firends have gone on the hunt for themselves and courted a guy themselves. Is this they right thing to do? It kinda makes me feel all weirded out. I always thought that the guys chased the girls and not the other way around. They are so used to being chased that they think if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested.

How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor?

Old-Fashioned and Lonely

Dear Old Fashioned,

If I was the father of young girls, I’ll tell you what I'd tell them. You’ll never find a boy as good to you as your father. Now, I don’t know your father, but that may still hold true!

I DO know I don’t want to stay up late worried about what may be going on with you and these “boys”. First it’s holding hands, then touching lips, then all anything could break loose. It’s too soon.. too soon. Slow down, young lady.

There are plenty of boys in your school that don’t have the nerve yet to ask out a sophisticated lady like yourself. They will wait until they have their first million from software development and then ask you out. And that will be after college, so you have no need to worry about that stuff now. Focus on your education, and get a good career started. A good career will leave little time for dating anyway…

The legendary Howie Mandel, (that’s right, from the Boston Pizza commercials (he sat down with us while we were dining once and I asked his advice), dispensed the best parental advice: Don’t potty train them. They will always be home early from dates. That was his rule. If a girl crapped in his car, he took her right home.

Unless she had big boobs.. but enough from Howie.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 40: GUYS THESE DAYS

Dear Useless Men,

First of all I read you guys all the time. You are all brilliant and useless. I bet you are all good kissers too. Are all of you guys married? Do you want to be?

Anyways, my question is about the guys I've been dating. I go to the bar almost every day and seem to get dates with the other regulars all the time.

This would be great but since I'm a regular too they expect me to pay for my share of the dates. What's the matter with guys today? None of them seem to know how to treat a woman, who is as good a catch as me, the right way. Shouldn't they be paying on the dates?

Should I start going to a different bar?

Need of Advice

Dear Needy,

My great grandpa or uncle who was somehow Chinese or a Buddhist monk or something, I don't know, once gave me some great advice.

I won't tell you that advice, because jeeze, get your own Chinese uncle, but I will give you some myself. If you're sifting through manure, don't be surprised if your hands stink at the end of the day.

What I mean is, chances are if you spend all your time hanging out at bars trying to pick up on guys, you'll pick up on guys that spend all their time hanging out at bars. Unless that's what you're looking for, I would suggest expanding your search for a soul-mate to different venues.

Lots of people in high school date eachother, so you could enroll at your local high school. If you don't want to do that, there are lots of other options, but just stop looking for guys in bars. Try internet message boards related to the discussion of video games.

There are a lot of guys there that would be thrilled to take you out and will probably blow their life savings on you on the first date.

You'd just better hope he's not using Axe Body Spray, otherwise (as the commercials have taught us) you'll abandon all inhibitions and have lusty geek sex with him on top of old pizza boxes in between rounds of Counterstrike.

I Warned You,
Just Plain Useless


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 39: GRILLING GRIEF

Dear Useless Guys

I recently bought a new BBQ and am in heaven. This beaut has a natural gas hookup and is a marvel of stainless steel engineering. My problem is that the wife thinks we shouldn't have to eat everything BBQ'ed. How do I get her to see the light? What's so wrong with burgers and steaks?

Grilled with Grief

Dear Grilled with Grief,

Who knows what women think? Not me, for one.

In this case you probably just need to make her feel like she is the one making the meals. Women love making meals for men and get upset when we can do anything for ourselves.

Why don’t you do what I used to do. Pretend you need her help. I know it’s kind of a lie but as a man you know how much we need to do that with women folk.

Get her to make salads and stuff like that. Salads make steak and burgers look more like a meal a woman would eat. Just take some. You can scoop the salad into the trash when she’s not looking.

As a final tactic you could ask her if she’s gained a few pounds. I don’t recommend this unless you like eating alone all the time though.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 38: RETURN OF THE USELESS GAL

Dear Useless Men,

My wife says that I should help more around the house. We both work full time but she does all the shopping and cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids. I already take out the garbage when she asks me to. What the heck more do women want.. ?

Confused in Brooklyn


Dear Confused,

You were smart but misguided to turn to the Useless Men with your problem. I once picked up a book entitled "What Men Know About Women". The pages were all blank. This being the case, the Useless Men turned to me, The Occasionally Useless Gal.

I'll tell you what your wife wants: she wants a wife of her own. Now, if you are predisposed to wearing house dresses and pinafores (We at Useless Men do not judge others [snicker](ED NOTE: Actually, we do ... )), you should practice this preference around the house. Wearing female clothing increases a man's desire to do housework by 500%. However, if your desire to do housework is 0%, this suggestion is mathematically useless.

If you want to have another wife-type around without being a polygamist, try inviting your mother over. Six months out of a year should do it. Your mother could tell your wife what she is doing wrong around the house - with another wife-type's advice your wife can become more efficient around the house, hence eliminating your need to help at all. (The Occasional Useless Gal assumes no responsibility for divorces or physical injuries that result from their advice.)

I'll let you in on a little secret. Women don't always say what they mean. Now before you get all shocked, let me do you a favour and translate for you. When your wife says she wants you to help more around the house what she's really asking is, "please give me chocolates and flowers and jewellery, then spend a month sitting on the couch watching football on TV while drinking beer and scratching your exposed, hairy gut." Now that you know what she's saying, you can fulfill her wishes to a T.

And if all else fails, you can bio-engineer your children to do housework for you. After all, you and your wife gave them life - the least they can do is give you free labour.

Sincerely,
An Occasional Useless Gal


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 37: NEW HOME OPENINGS

Dear Useless Men,

I've just purchased a new home with my fiance. We move in three months from now.
What is the first useless thing I should buy to christen the place?

MD

Dear MD

Most people think of something sexy when they talk of christening a home, but not me.

After consulting with some of my friends, I think you should buy a new broom.

The women I talked to said there is nothing like the feel of a new broom handle in a woman’s hands to make them feel weak in the knees. And the first time you use it, you’ll probably need to have a smoke and a nap afterwards.

They said you should sweep everything at least once.

The kitchen floor. The dining room table. Even the bathroom sink needs a christening with that broom, apparently.

So get a new broom.

Oh, and they said not to sweep when your fiance is around. I don’t know what that’s all about, but whatever.

Unless your fiance is the girl, then perhaps a table saw?

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

AN OPEN APOLOGY

Dear Valued Reader,

In an effort to take some holiday time, I made arrangements to have the questions posted in my absence. Turns out, I didn't set it up correctly.

I make no excuse. What do you expect? We don't call ourselves Useless without reason!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 36: LUNCH WOES

Dear Useless Men,

What should I have for lunch?

Jim

Dear Jim,

Start with soup. Soup is always a good starter.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 35: MILDLY LOVED

Dear Useless Men...

I have read your website avidly since I discovered it, and each time I do, I am more than mildly amused. Does this not mean you are not technically useless as you brighten my day so much? Therefore, don't you think it would be more appropriate for you to be the “Making People Laugh And Being Generally Fabulous Men”?

Butterfly

Dear Butterfly,

Thank you for the kind words. We're posting this question just to show others that we are loved.

But of course, your kindness only shows how useless we really are. In an effort to be useless, we come across as useful. But based on that, the name we picked for the blog is effectively useless, meeting the goals that we set out, and thus, being useful again.

...sigh...

Love is a mildly fleeting thing, I suppose.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man



If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 34: HAVE A BALL (REST OF CANADA PERSPECTIVE)

Dear Useless Men,

It's spring in Alberta and there is a time honored ritual out here in farmland: Hacking off male baby calves nuts and rolling them in flour and frying them up for all the RedNecks to gobble up!

Then they all get branded and sent packing to fatten up and be sent to a packing plant!

Tell me, all knowing ones, WHY?

Cringing in Alberta


Dear Cringing

We're never quite sure why people from the prairies do the things they do. At least you Albertans have some geography about you. I visited Manitoba once and found it had something like 2 cities in it. You make your fun where you can.

As a fat man I am prone to eating anything but eating critter nuts is a mystery to me. Although I have eaten the likes of Taco Bell so I probably would try them if I crossed paths with them. How this whole thing started is a mystery to many but I would guess that it comes from the long standing tradition of guys being guys. Can you imagine a few women standing around like this:

"Hey, Brandine!"
"Yes, Mary-Sue?"
"Want to go check out clothes at the store?"
"No, actually I was thinking we should eat some nuts."
"What? Like cashews?"
"No, grab that bull over there and I'll show you."

Doesn't seem right really. Now, a few guys after a case of beer would sound more like this:

"Hey, Butt-face"
"What's up, fart-nose"
"Betcha can't cut the nuts off that bull and eat them!"
"Oh yeah? Hold my beer!"

Somehow, this seems more likely. After the first occurrence it would simply be a matter of making the guys all do it so they don't look weak. This has spiraled out of control to the point where there are annual Testicle Festivals like at Buzzard's in Calgary. This odd initiation right will continue until they can find something more disgusting to do in the spring.

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be a Cat


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 34: HAVE A BALL (PRAIRIE PERSPECTIVE)

Dear Useless Men,

It's spring in Alberta and there is a time honored ritual out here in farmland: Hacking off male baby calves nuts and rolling them in flour and frying them up for all the RedNecks to gobble up!

Then they all get branded and sent packing to fatten up and be sent to a packing plant!

Tell me, all knowing ones, WHY?

Cringing in Alberta


Dear Cringing in Alberta,

As someone who lives on the prairies, I am not familiar with this practice although we eat chicken balls here with our Chinese food. I guess it’s kind of the same.

The squirrels and a lot of other animals here eat nuts but I don’t know where they get them from. Maybe it’s from Alberta.

As for the branding and packing plant part, I consulted with my barber and he says that cows love branding or “tattoos” as they call them in the cow world. They also like piercings. Most opt for rings in their noses but they would wear multiple earrings and nipple rings if they could afford them.

And they like travel, so heading to the packing plant is something they all look forward to. At least until they get there.

Maybe there is another perspective?

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 33: PREMATURE ATTENTION

Dear Useless Men,

There are hundreds of extreme hotties where I work. They work in other departments and I usually only pass them in the hallway. The most I usually get to say to them is "hi". I am afraid that if I try to approach them they'll just think I'm a nerd. How can a quiet shy, average guy like myself approach and get the attention of these babes?

Quiet and Quaint

Dear Q & Q,

You identify yourself as being shy. You know what this says to me?

It says you don't think of yourself as the cock of the walk. In your head you're not this prime piece of grade-A USDA man meat, and you know who can pick up on that? Women. And that's a problem because women love confident guys almost as much as they love reading advice on the internet sprinkled with too many italics. If even you can't be convinced that you're worth a woman's time, why on earth would they feel that you are?

You need to pick it up a notch. No, don't kick it up a notch, that's trademarked, so I just want you to pick it up a notch.

There is one easy thing that you can do that will change your babe-deficient world for the better: Walk with confidence. Don't slouch, don't lower your head, and don't appear to be embarassed to even be alive. Hold your head high. Don't shuffle. Again, walk with confidence. This is just a parlor trick at first. Sure, you may not feel too confident, but if you walk that way other people will believe you are. Then a magical thing will happen - you'll believe
it too.

Then the next time you pass one of these hotties in the hall, something weird will happen and it'll make you tingle all over with the raw force of awesomeness. Watch her eyes because it happens real quick; she'll look you down, and look you back up. That is a girl's unconscious way of saying 'initiate interaction with me!'

You follow that up with a smile and you're in.

After your date you'll run home and try and shove money into your computer in the hopes that it'll somehow traverse the internet and enter my pocket because I gave you such fantastic advice.

You're Welcome,
Just Plain Useless


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 32: FORCED OUT OF LINE

Dear Useless Men,

I've been in line out front of Graumans's Chinese Theatre since January to see the new Star Wars Episode 3 movie. Turns out, after weeks of waiting, that Grauman's isn't even going to play the movie. The movie is booked at the nearby ArcLight, not the Chinese. I see a line starting.

What should I do? The force is weak with me, and my batteries are running down on this laptop. Call me at the payphone out front of the theatre! The phone number is (323) 462-9609. Don't call collect.. it's a pay phone!

May the Force be with you,
JediDude

Dear JediDude

Obviously, by your name, you are adept with the force. They don't just hand out the title of Jedi to anyone! Use the force, you fool!

If the people at Grauman's are not interested in showing the movie, you must use your jedi mind trick to get them to want the movie in their theater. Your alignment as to light versus dark will dictate your path.

For the Dark Side, you need to convince a projectionist from Grauman's to procure a copy of the movie by any means necessary. Preferably by force or blackmail as this will keep the dark side of the force happy. Once this has been achieved, you are to "con-vince" them to have a private screening that you can sell tickets to at an inflated rate, thereby making yourself some serious cash with which to acquire the new merchandise available.

For the light side, you will need to use your force powers to convince the management of Grauman's to take on the movie and make certain that all the fans that were getting shafted are taken good care of. Be sure that enough screens run the film to ensure all fans get an opportunity to view the film.

Whichever path you choose you are to immediately book and pay for airline tickets and lodging so that I can attend the screening as well. (Note: if you choose the dark side I am to get free passes to the screening for myself and my fellow useless men)

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat

If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 31: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Dear Useless Men,

My son has the worst smelly feet ever. He takes off his shoes and we need to have gas masks. He washes his feet and changes his socks everyday. Please help useless men before we die from the fumes.

June

Dear June,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this.

My friend who is a scientician says that boys inherit the smelly feet gene from their mothers. Who would have guessed that.

I think using a gas mask for this problem is somewhat excessive. The nose clip things that swimmers use would certainly work just as well and they make your nose look attractive at the same time.

To correct your son’s problem you could buy industrial sized boxes of baking soda. Have him wear them instead of socks. Baking soda absorbs odors like crazy.

Bleach also works at killing odors. Why not put a swimming pool in the front yard next to the front door and insist he swim laps before he comes inside. The chlorine bleach in the pool will make him smell, well bleachy..

Or you could cook really stinky foods. The smell from the food would mask the smell from his feet.

Or get a dog and feed him gassy foods. That will take your mind off of your poor son.

The point is be creative. Your son will eventually move.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 30: NATURE VS NURTURE

Dear Useless Guys

How did you get so useless? Was it some kind of birth problem or an upbringing thing?

Curious

Dear Curious,

Ahhh, nature vs. nurture, the age old question. Were we useless to begin with, or did we learn how to be useless over a lifelong time span? The easy answer is to lick your tootsie pop a few times and then bite into it, giving you a less than satisfactory answer of 'three', but that neither answers your question, nor does it have anything to do with the situation at hand. Besides, we're men, not cartoon owls.

To answer the question, it's actually a combination of both. While I'm sure all useless men are born with the predilection towards uselessness, it took a concentrated upbringing of sugary cereals, violent cartoons, being turned down for dates, and an overwhelming sense of laziness operating in conjunction to produce the specimens you now so dutifully read and laugh at each day.

Thanks for reading,
Just Plain Useless


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 29: TRANSMISSION TRAUMA

Dear Useless Men,

I seem to have lost control of the music selected on the car radio. No matter how many times I change the preset buttons away from "Lite102 for Life" each time I return to the car, I hear Rod Stewart Singing "Reason to Believe" or Sade singing "Smooth Operator."

I'm not sure if this requires an advanced technical solution (somehow jamming certain frequencies and pretending the station is off the air) or a long conversation over many days (not preferred). I thought about yanking the radio altogether and replacing it Satellite Radio, where I think I could use parental control to block all offensive channels.

Ideas how to best handle this situation?


Signed,
Lost in Love


Dear Lost,

What radio station violates the basic human rights and well being of the world to broadcast Sade? Obviously they have found some kind of target market making the simple option of waiting for them to get out of the game pointless. They obviously have some kind of government protection.

If they have been allowed to keep their license while perpetrating this cruelty, there is no hope of anyone stopping them. Since blowing up their transmitter is a knee jerk reaction that would likely result in a criminal record and incarceration (remember, top bunk is best), I will encourage you to find safer and more legal alternatives before we hear about you on the news.

You seem to be ready to expend some effort to solve this problem, so here goes.

There are three options to solve this one.

OPTION 1

Go about building a small short range transmitter in the car. Once completed you will need to attach a small device that contains a pre-recorded message along the lines of "We here at Lite102 for Life have been proud to serve our loyal listeners for the years but are regrettably being forced to leave the planet." Or something along those lines.

Set the transmitter to their frequency (one can only assume 102MHz) and transmit the recorded message whenever the car is on. This can be accomplished by tying it into the car's power instead of relying on batteries. Be careful to build the transmitter just powerful enough to overpower the reception in your car or you can expect a visit from the FCC or a similar government agency (Bloody do-gooders).

OPTION 2

Arrange to have the stereo stolen whenever it has been replaced. There will be periods of blissful silence before the replacement units are installed. This may get expensive in the long run because, unless the others in your car are not too swift, you will have to keep getting newer models to keep up with the charade. You may also have to change insurance companies a few times as your will be flagged as an insurance risk. That may get costly, but is there any price too high to avoid listening to Sade?

I think not.

OPTION 3

Electrify the radio dial once you have tuned it to your appropriate station. If they touch the radio dial and get a non-lethal but very aggravating jolt, they won't likely try it again soon. This is known as operant conditioning and is used in lab situations to modify unwanted behaviors. Plus, if they aren't too swift, you'll get the added bonus of watching them get a jolt every time they get in your car.

Make sure you either hide a kill switch so you can change the stations when you want. If nothing else, put in a hidden camera and email us the video so we can all enjoy watching you dance to the jolt.


Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be a Cat


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 28: CURIOUSLY CHEAP LUNCH

Dear Useless Guys,

I’m always looking for something cheap for lunch. I usually enjoy value meals and cheap take out. But now I have found Lunch for $1.00. I don’t know if this is the greatest lunch ever, or my worst nightmare.

The menu just says “MEAT” and the sandwich is only $1.00. Do you think it is safe to eat? I’ve attached a photo for you to examine.

Signed,
Stainless Steel Stomach

PS - I’m also curious why the Vegetable sandwich costs $1.75, almost double the price of the meat sandwich?




Dear Steel Stomach

I didn’t get this size eating salads at lunch. I know a good deal when I see one. Having said that, the old saying “if something seems too good to be true, it probably is” fits well here.

This sandwich, while it sounds like a deal, wouldn’t be enough to feed me on its own. I’d likely need 2 or three of them to fill me. And a drink to wash it down. Let me do the math here… three sandwiches at one dollar… a bottle of soda pop at a buck seventy, … Your dollar lunch is now up to $4.70.

Then add in a pack of Rolaids to assist in digestion, and you’ve spent almost six whole bucks. I’m sure you can get a whole lot of tacos from a "run to the border" with six dollars (and likely a free soda refill as well).

Regarding your veggie curiosity, I can only repeat what the Useless Martini told me when I showed him the picture. “Vegetables go in and out of season, but roadkill is available year round.”

Enjoy your lunch.

Sincerely,

One Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 27: YOUR MAMA

Dear Useless Men

I forgot about Mother's Day and was out golfing for the day. By the time I realized what day it was, my Mother had stopped answering my phone calls.

What can I do to try to repair the damages?

Orphaned by sport

Dear Orphaned,

Don't worry about it. Your mother and I had a wonderful time Sunday without your interference.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 26: GASTROINTESTINAL GRIEF

Dear Useless Men,

My wife made dinner the other night and it was pretty bad. I ate it so that her feelings wouldn't be hurt and as thanks I spent the rest of the evening in the bathroom, sick as a dog. She felt bad and told me I shouldn't have eaten it if I thought it was bad and it served me right. Where did I go wrong? Should I actually not eat her cooking next time?

Sincerely,
Dining in Distress


Dear, Mr. Distress;

I don't know your wife personally, but I can tell you one thing for sure. This comment is a trap!

Sadly it would be better for your health to get salmonella from bad food than it would be to tell her her cooking is lethal. I would recommend that you get a secret stash of antibiotics and keep at it. You obviously need to decide if you really like this girl. If she is worth the shortened lifespan then stick with it... after all, relationships are about sacrifice.

Under no circumstances should you get her cooking lessons as a gift. I made that mistake and as a result now get to eat whatever I make. Since I have little or no skills in the kitchen this has resulted in learning how to cook everything on the BBQ. The kids say they can't eat any more steaks and my doctor says my cholesterol is through the roof.

I thought I had solved the problem and instead, still have a shortened lifespan, coupled with the added duties of feeding the kids and listeneing to them whine as well. Keep your face shut and you will live longer. It's hard to eat raw chicken when your mouth isn't open!

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be a Cat


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 25: NEED MORE INPUT

Dear Useless Guys,

Your answers are so useless. What happens if people get fed up and you run out of questions?

Signed,
Fed-Up


Dear Mr. Up,

What next? What happens then? I'll tell you what happens then, Mr. Up.

A little thing we here at Useless Advice like to call Phase Beta. That's right. You can't even begin to comprehend the entirety of our plan. It's like the cosmos. Can you comprehend the cosmos? No, you can't, because it's pretty big and so's our plan.

All I can tell you is this: It involves exhausting the world of questions. Through carefully calculated Question Extraction Techniques designed by scientists working round the clock in an undisclosed underground bunker, each post on this site is finely tuned, much like a laser beam, to extrapolate all possible questions. Therefore we will know we have arrived at 0-hour when the questions run dry.

Once 0-hour is reached it is only a short time before we move on to the mysterious and clandestine Phase Beta. The most beautiful part of Phase Beta is that nobody will question us or our motives. The world will be our oyster and the unwashed masses will be helpless to impede us in our rise to power. The only way to halt this steady march into a promising future led by Yours Truly is to continue to barrage us with questions. Deep, thought provoking questions that render the Question Extraction Techniques useless (much like its inventors) and postpone indefinitely the hostile takeover planned for Phase Beta.

But that day shall come soon enough!

Yours Truly,
Just Plain Useless


Editor's note: Evil laughs do not translate well into text but could you just sort of be a doll and imagine one taking place there after the word 'enough' ? Right, thanks.


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 24: THE LONGEST YARD

Dear Useless Guys

Now that the good weather is upon us I am running into serious trouble. With the sun and warm I am ready to start up the new golf year but am running into some interference from the missus. She thinks that with the warm weather we have some golden opportunity for things like spring cleaning, renovations, gardening and yard work. The only yard work I am interested in is at the driving range where I work to increase my yardage. Any advice??

Sincerely,
Unable to play with my balls often.

Dear Unable to play,

I see your dilemma. It scares me a little.

Golden opportunities are meant for your golden years. Gardening is a great hobby for old people. I often heard my grandfather tell me how one day he would be pushing up the daisies.

Yard WORK is not an opportunity. It is WORK. And as any good business man would know, you are not qualified to do this WORK. Hire a professional, and get it done right.

Renovations are unnecessary, unless you don’t win the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. In which case I recommend moving. When moving, look for a place that already has the yard WORK completed. Particularly, a good putting green in the back yard.

Spring cleaning is a seasonal disorder that the good people at Pfizer have not yet discovered a pill to cure. Or was that spring FEVER? Either way, if you ignore it, it will likely go away on its own.

My advice is to work at increasing your yardage by 10 each month, and not letting go of that dream of easy street playing on the PGA Seniors tour. It’s a golden opportunity!

Signed,

One Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 23: LOCKED & LOADED (AN AMERICAN PERSPECTIVE)

DUE TO DIFFERENCES IN LAW BETWEEN CANADA AND THE US, THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN BROKEN INTO TWO PARTS: A CANADIAN AND AN AMERICAN PERSPECTIVE. THIS IS PART TWO OF TWO.

Dear Useless,

I have a new neighbor who just moved in. She's recently divorced, blonde, built like a Playboy bunny, and lives a few houses up from me. She has those vinyl blinds that you tilt to close. At night she tilts them the wrong way and everyone can see into her house as she's watching TV in her underwear.

I briefly considered telling her that she's tilting them the wrong way and even discussed it with the other men in the neighborhood as we were standing in the street in front of her house watching her for hours and hours like we do every night.

Here is my dilemma. There are a great many "good old boys" in this neighborhood who drive by in their Ford F150 pickup trucks, slowing from 100 mph to a leisurely screaming skid as they pass her open blinds, so they can take a peek and scream "wooooooooo!"

These boys are nothing like the rest of us men. We stand looking in and drinking beer, sometimes commenting on what she's watching on the TV or how perky she is, but we'd never hurt her. These "good old boys," on the other hand, would rape a goat, so she may be in real danger and apparently doesn't know it. I am genuinely concerned for her blonde, busty, perky safety.

What I need is a good defense for court, to make sure the jury lets me go after I take out this gang of punks. Do you think the defense of this beautiful woman will get me off or should I just leave a gun on her front doorstep and hope she does it for me when they inevitably break in and take her? I'd hate for one of those punks to end up with my gun. I'd really rather just take care of this myself.

What I want to know is, what will hold up as a defense in court?

Signed,
Locked and Loaded in Tennessee

Dear Tennessee,

Let's get to the heart of the problem here: You're insecure because these big truck driving good 'ol boys have the cajones to let this bombshell know what they think of her while you're confined to simply observing from a lawn chair across the street.

This "street" represents a line o'er which you dare not tread, a macho territory in which these men thrive fantastically yet you are somehow unable to bring yourself to traverse. You wish you could display to this woman just how much it means to you to see her barely clad tatas, but lack the requisite amount of primal, testosterone-induced instincts to display your affection. And this is why you write us.

Fear not Tennessee for I have your advice right here. You will be like Popeye, dispatching Bruno to win the heart of your scantily-clad Olive Oyl and this advice will be your can of spinach. Tennessee, the next time one of these F-150s goes tearing across the road I want you to toss aside your beer can. I want you stand up and march right across that street and knock on her window.

Then I want you to go to her mailbox and start gesturing suggestively at it with your hips, your face as serious as you can get it. Before she has a chance to close the blinds I want you to point at her, then point at yourself and form a circle with the thumb and forefinger of your left hand and penetrate it with the forefinger of your right hand.

She will be so overcome by this display of masculinity that you'll get road rash when she bolts right out and tackles you.

Then sue her for damages sustained; that way you'll get the girl and the airtight defense.

Sincerely,

Just Plain Useless


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 23: LOCKED AND LOADED (A CANADIAN PERSPECTIVE)

DUE TO DIFFERENCES IN LAW BETWEEN CANADA AND THE US, THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN BROKEN INTO TWO PARTS: A CANADIAN AND AN AMERICAN PERSPECTIVE. THIS IS PART ONE OF TWO.

Dear Useless,

I have a new neighbor who just moved in. She's recently divorced, blonde, built like a Playboy bunny, and lives a few houses up from me. She has those vinyl blinds that you tilt to close. At night she tilts them the wrong way and everyone can see into her house as she's watching TV in her underwear.

I briefly considered telling her that she's tilting them the wrong way and even discussed it with the other men in the neighborhood as we were standing in the street in front of her house watching her for hours and hours like we do every night.

Here is my dilemma. There are a great many "good old boys" in this neighborhood who drive by in their Ford F150 pickup trucks, slowing from 100 mph to a leisurely screaming skid as they pass her open blinds, so they can take a peek and scream "wooooooooo!"

These boys are nothing like the rest of us men. We stand looking in and drinking beer, sometimes commenting on what she's watching on the TV or how perky she is, but we'd never hurt her. These "good old boys," on the other hand, would rape a goat, so she may be in real danger and apparently doesn't know it. I am genuinely concerned for her blonde, busty, perky safety.

What I need is a good defense for court, to make sure the jury lets me go after I take out this gang of punks. Do you think the defense of this beautiful woman will get me off or should I just leave a gun on her front doorstep and hope she does it for me when they inevitably break in and take her? I'd hate for one of those punks to end up with my gun. I'd really rather just take care of this myself.

What I want to know is, what will hold up as a defense in court?

Signed,
Locked and Loaded in Tennessee


Dear Locked and Loaded,

While a good offense is sometimes the best defense, this may be a little forward in the forward thinking category. I do commend you and the other men for starting your own Neighbourhood Watch program. We can all benefit from safer communities.

If we were any good at legal defenses we would be legal defenders, but alas, we are just useless guys. In fact, I’m not sure our disclaimer at the bottom of this page is good enough, and hope it never gets challenged in court.

The best defense I can think of is to watch CSI or some other crime scene show and figure out what others have done and then learn from their mistakes. There must be a reason why these shows are on tv. It’s not entertaining, so it must be educational. You could do this from your home, or through your neighbours window.

Watch for episodes that relate to this situation. Then don’t do what they did, since they were caught.

One Useless Man


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.

QUESTION # 22: IS THIS THING ON?

Dear Useless Men,

I work with men, they are my employees and I repeat myself repeatedly and find that treating them like children is the best policy.

Be consistent and kind, they get it eventually. It takes 9 times to make or break a habit right?

Wives can offer sex, but I don't want to sleep with employees - what do I do?

Tired of Repeating Myself,
Tired of Repeating Myself

Sorry I wasn't listening could you repeat that?

Dear Useless Men,

I work with men, they are my employees and I repeat myself repeatedly and find that treating them like children is the best policy.

Be consistent and kind, they get it eventually. It takes 9 times to make or break a habit right?

Wives can offer sex, but I don't want to sleep with employees - what do I do?

Tired of Repeating Myself,
Tired of Repeating Myself

That's better

Dear Tired,

First off, you need to figure out what it is that you really need them to do. We useless men are a rather simple folk who are not good at multitasking beyond watching television, where we become superhuman.

Watching 5 different channels while getting a beer and trying not to get chips in the cushions so we can avoid a beating is about all we've got. Outside of that we need one task at a time.

You probably find that you are repeating yourself to get the entire job done since they only completed the first of several parts of your order. Break their tasks down into individual elements and assign them one at a time and you should see a marked increase in productivity. It seems like more work but actually you're not repeating yourself several times a day since you are giving different orders each time.

Try to remember that useless men stay focused when entertained, so try putting your requests in the form of cartoons which can be emailed or posted in the lunchroom. If my job orders came as a comic strip, I would be much more inclined to read them. You may also want to consider wearing revealing clothing to get their attention for really important jobs. Once they are staring at your chest you can write your request on said chest that way you can be sure they are looking at it. This way you know the mission critical information is being taken in. Just because we are used to chasing the proverbial carrot on a stick doesn't mean we are used to catching it after all (This holds especially true for your married employees).

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be a Cat


If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.