QUESTION # 61: PLANNING FOR INSTRUCTIONS

Dear Useless Men,

Why is male planning useless? Is it something to do with maps? Asking directions? Inability to follow directions? Inability to read instructions for any self-assembly gizmo?

All advice appreciated.

Dear Appreciated,

First off, any self-assembling gizmo would, by definition, assemble itself and therefore make instructions redundant.

As for your planning question, yes it is useless. We men are immune to the female effects of organization and planning. It's all very complicated as it has to do with genetics and hormones and stuff. I asked a doctor about it and he went into some long drawn out answer but I wasn't really listening as I was trying to figure out how to grab a box of rubber gloves before he could notice. Those things are fun!

I wouldn't know if it has anything with maps as I never look at them, but directions are no fun as they spoil the adventure and excitement of exploring. If it wasn't for men wandering without directions whilst ignoring maps, Columbus wouldn't have discovered the Americas. So I don't know what you have a against exploration and progress but you should not stand in the way of progress. Just play with some rubber gloves.

Those things are fun.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 60: PUCKER UP

Dear Useless Men,

How do you get a man to kiss you when you feel like kissing him? I read in one of those horrible teen magazines when I was a girl that if you look at a man's mouth, he'll know what you're thinking.

Unfortunately, men usually think they have spinach in their teeth and you're trying not to laugh.

Is there a better way? Because an unkissable man is TRULY useless, in my opinion.

Puckered up in Virginia

Dear Puckered,

You are in luck! I've been a man nearly my whole life so I am uniquely qualified to answer this question for you!

You perch upon a precarious threshold, Puckered. You may hesitate, and by hesitating wallow amidst the chaste horror of trying to leave men subtle hints, or you may cross into the realm of telling men just what it is you want.

If, in the rest of your years you ever, ever, ever utter the phrase "can't you take a hint?" to a man, it is not he who has failed, but you. A man can no more deny his oblivious nature than can a leopard shed its spots, or a giraffe shop for anything but turtle-necks. Assuming a man can interpret the googly eyes and come-hither face you've just made as anything other than "Dear God, the poor woman's got food poisoning" is a fallacy, one punishable by having to spend the rest of your night in the company of Ben and Jerry, with an unhealthy dose of Lifetime on the side*.

What you need to do, Puckered, is grab the bull by the horns (or horn, as the case may be). If man has naught but physical interest in you, he will begin the kissing as soon as possible to speed up the eventuality of getting that One Thing He Wants; if you reject him, it only means he can cut his losses that much sooner and move on to an easier prospect. However, if the man is shy it means he has, at the bare minimum, three reasons for wanting to be with you (one of which is located above chest-level) and does not want to risk the possibility of ruining things by being too forward. What this means to you, if he is definitely not getting the signs and couldn't take a hint to save his life, is that he wants you that much more, and you're a shoe-in if you move in for the kill. "Girls don't make the first move" is a tenet uttered by girls whom a guy cares little if he is liked by her or not. Add emotional interest to the mix and the man's body becomes a battlefield between hormones and intellect.

There is one caveat to this. The guy could know beforehand that you know all this and thus be simply replicating the behavior of a shy guy just to start your fire a little quicker and get you to initiate things. If this is the case, he's a crafty little devil indeed and you should just go along with it to reward his brilliance.

Sealed with a kiss,
Just Plain Useless

* This statement is unilaterally true because studies have proven that any dose of Lifetime, no matter how small, is woefully unhealthy.


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QUESTION # 59: HASSLING HOOK UPS

Dear Useless Men,

I am a single male entering my middle age. I enjoy single life and the lack of commitment that comes with it. I can go wherever I want and do as I please without and troublesome phone calls from a girlfriend or spouse.

My problem is that whenever I go to a group outing or family function, everybody keeps trying to "hook me up" with someone they know. Why don't these people understand that isn't what I'm looking for? How do I get them to stop all this nonsense?

Sincerely,
Stressed and Single


Dear Stressed and Single,

I have such an easy solution that it will blow your mind. Are you sitting down? If not, why are you standing up and using a computer?

Anyway, what you need to do is get married. Invent a fake woman, get a fake ring, and steal some of the photos from the frames at Wal-Mart with a happy married couple in them kissing. Now have her get fake-killed during a fake rock-climbing accident. The grieving your family and friends will allow should give you about a 2 year window before they start to bug you about 'moving on', in which case you should repeat the process, only this time with a different accident. The following is a list of Useless Men endorsed ways to fake-kill your fake-wives.

• Hit by a Bus
  
• Mauled by a Grizzly Bear
  
• Struck by Lightning
  
• Suffered a Fatal Dose of Watching Too Much Law and Order: SVU. Seriously, That Show is Always On
  
• An Accident At Work Involving a Vat of Toxic Fluid Effectively Turning Her Into a Superhero and Causing Her to Zip Around the World Thwarting Evil Until Finally a Supervillain by the Name of Mister Monstro Lured Her Into a Trap and Exploited Her One Weakness to Bring Her Down, but Not Before She Could End His Nefarious Plans
  
• Fell at a Funny Angle

Best Wishes,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 58: NAMING RIGHTS AVAILABLE

Dear Useless Men,

My husband and I just discovered that our baby is going to be a boy. We had a girls name all ready picked out, but now it won't be needed. I'm afraid to say the names that we are arguing over because I don't want to taint your advice. (and I don't want any of your readers to steal the names!)

How do you suppose is the best way to go about naming a child?

Sincerely,
Names Withheld

Dear Names Withheld,

First of all I am really sorry that the girl turned out to be a boy. Finding that out must have been devastating after you had already picked out the girls name and all.

For starters you should see if you can arrange a swap at the Hospital for a girl. Really a baby is just a baby. They don't do much when they're born anyways except eat and mess themselves. And they continue to be a burden on your lives until, well forever. So try to swap for a girl first. No sense wasting a good girl name.

If that doesn't work out for you then try to use a combination of numbers, upper and lower case letters, and characters that are hard to crack by less experienced baby name hackers. The latest trend is to use phrases or goofy sentences. I assume you are already doing that so I won't give examples in case I accidentally pick one of the ones you have chosen.

Apparently some people actually use these techniques for internet passwords to practice for when they have to name their own babies so you will be using the latest technology.

Finally, if you decide to go with a more traditional name like Bill or Bob or even Garry for goodness sake make sure to change the spelling. Bill should be spelled Billilililill and Bob should be Bozxab and Garry should be Gaerrryym. Your son will thank you for this multiple times as he can get out of a lot of trouble by forcing his teachers and the police into using weird pronunciations and spellings. Many an attempted discipline has been thwarted by pronunciation and spelling errors.

Hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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REFRESHED AND READY

Dear Useless Readers,

When I say Useless readers, I mean readers of Useless Advice. As a reader, I suspect you are useful. I shouldn't start on the wrong foot like this. Please allow me to start over...

Dear Reader of Useless Advice,

(That's better...)

When a few of us Useless Men got together and thought it would be fun to wax poetic on any number of useless things, we thought it would be abreeze. Your loyal readership has proved otherwise, and made this a lot of work.

This post is to apologize for the delay in answering a few questions, and the lack of a few new posts.

In all our uselessness, the Men here gott together for a useless retreat. The intent was to get together in a forest, bang drums and run around in loin cloth to invigorate our male spirit, but geography and useless male planning left to the last minute caused it all to fall apart. So we all just went our spereate ways to refresh ourselves.

All the Useless Men have reported in for duty again, and we're ready for the next wave of questions.

Bring them on. Without your questions, we really are useless!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

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QUESTION # 57: THRASHED BY TODDLERS

Dear Useless Men,

Kids these days don't seem to have the respect they once had for their elders. As a daycare worker I get to witness this firsthand. They play when they want and if you try to get them to do something else, like clean up, or sit down for snack time, they generally will defy you at every corner. A large number of them seem to actually hit you if you get in the way of their plans. What's a girl to do these days?

Sincerely,
Thrashed by Toddlers

Dear Thrashed,

It's apparent that you are suffering from a lack of understanding for parenting these days. The good old days are gone. Simply raising a child and having a happy home is no longer good enough. People need plasma TV's and SUV's to be happy. If they don't get these things then they will be unhappy and therefore will be raising their child in an unhappy home environment.

The experts say that this is not a good thing for the development of children's mental health. The only thing I can recommend is that you deal with this problem in one of two ways

First you should consider some self defense courses for yourself. These are only little children after all. Take non-violent styles of self-defense courses as if you hit them the parents ill take out their pent up frustrations with their life and throw them your way

The second thing you can consider is that if these people need these things you should consider selling them these items themselves. Warehouse some high end electronics or possibly expensive automobiles. You can then use the money from these to keep yourself in the material possession game. More toys equals more distractions and therefore your continued happiness.

Definitely learn to suck it up and just ignore the abuse. Thicker skin is definitely the order of the day.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat



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QUESTION # 56: JUST THE FAX, MA'AM

Dear Useless Men,

I keep getting these damn faxes! But I don't have a fax machine! Several times a day the phone rings, I pick it up and that annoying sound starts of the electronic frequency squeals to connect. ARRGGGHH!!!
How would you suggest I stop the insanity?

Signed,
...squeeeeeeekkkk... click click.. Dooop.. squeeeeeeekkk

Dear ...squeeeeeeekkkk...,

My first reaction would be to give the fax machine a little Office Space treatment, gangsta' style, in a dark alley. Then I realized, it’s not the fax machines fault this is happening. Someone has to DIAL the fax machine. (I love technology)

I would suggest you stop answering your phone for awhile and let your answering machine, or call answer, or voice mail or whatever it is answer the phone. These services usually record the phone number of the incoming call. There is also some call back feature to see the number of the last person calling or something… (What do you want, I’m useless!)

Let me start over… In whatever means or fashion you can muster in your own usefulness, get the number of which the fax is being dialed.

Then start creating the piece that will give you peace. Pick up a ream of paper. Yes, I said ream. That would be 500 sheets of blank white paper. (500 sheets=ream or as I like to call it, useless information)

Fill in one word on each of the sheets, including words like “STOP” “FAXING” “THIS” “PHONE” “NUMBER” “,” “IT” “IS” “NOT” “A” “FAX” “MACHINE”

Some of the more creative types may include pictures of a boot in motion towards someone’s posterior, to indicate your displeasure in a more meaningful way.

Then start sending. The receiving fax will have to print each page that is sent. They usually get the message after the first 50 to 60 pages.

Finally, to address the tree-huggers that think a ream of paper is a waste (since it is used at both ends of the fax) try a more direct approach. Create your message using 5-10 pages. Tape them all together, in a long line. Then complete a circle chain link by taping the first sheet to the last as it passes through the machine.

This system could go on in perpetuity and doesn’t waste as much of your own paper.

Finally, might I suggest you use duct tape on these pages? You’re going to want to keep the chain strong.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 55: SORRY, WRONG NUMBER

Dear Useless Men,

Are you Useless Men (who I dearly love) in any way related to Zoe's boyfriend Andy of "My Boyfriend is a Twat" fame? Although now that I think about it, the likelihood of any number of Useless and/or twatlike men having a connection other than two Y chromosomes seems increasingly unlikely, given that the vast majority of men on the planet (at least 2.5 billion, right?) are both Useless and Twats. But if there is a connection, could you please acknowledge it? Thank you.

Sincerely,
Foilwoman

BTW, your totally useless advice is a high point of my day. But it's still useless.

Dear Foilwoman,

I hate to admit it, but I am not related to Zoe or Andy. Although, one can never rule everything out.

I think your point about the Useless number of men that may be connected is accurate. I’m not sure that Twat should be applied here though. In my research, (read: google search) I discovered that a twat is actually a slang term used for the female sex organ.

If a MAN is a twat, he couldn’t possibly be useless then, could he? He would have a use at that point?

I’m getting bogged down in science now… Is it XY, XX, YY chromosones? I can’t remember my sixth grade sex-ed class. I do remember that movie that explained the bumps growing in some of my female classmates sweaters. Freaked me out a little…

All in all, Andy may be a Twat, or he may be Useless, but he’s not submitting anything for our website.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

BTW - Flattery will get you everywhere with our site! Thanks for the compliment...


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QUESTION # 54: THE WEDDING SINGER

Dear Useless Men

I'm getting married in the Fall. What are the songs would you most want to hear at a wedding? Are there any songs I should be sure NOT to have played?

Sincerely,
Excited Bride

Dear Excited Bride,

I can definitely make some suggestions to liven up the whole event.

First off, you should consider sending in the guys to a sports anthem style tune. They can run in like jocks and fantasize that they are at the SuperBowl. This will help alleviate the boredom of waiting to see some bride-on-groom action.

Next, if you want to really get the attention of the crowd, you should walk down to the aisle to the theme from Jaws. This works especially well for arranged, shotgun or pregnant weddings.

Once you get to the reception it is time for the DJ to follow orders.

Since you asked what I would like to hear at a wedding, I would like to see a bride and groom dance their first dance to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.

What sort of songs shouldn't be played are anything that requires group dance activities. This includes the bird dance, polkas, the macarena and any other song you're likely to see at a hockey arena to get the crowd going. If your party needs this kind of life injected into it, it's time for your last dance and a quick escape to the hotel room. *wink, wink*

The only exception to this is the Time Warp. What could anyone have against playing a song from a really cheesy movie about alien transvestites at a wedding?

If you want to set the tone for the relationship, I would recommend that you play "Respect" by Aretha Franklin. Sing along. Loudly. If you don't know the lyrics, download them. Print them. Put them on everyone's table. Everybody but the groom will think it is great, while he is already going to be thinking of how to keep you happy. That can't be a bad thing, can it?

I leave you with this parting advice that my Dad gave me when I asked him what songs I should pick. "Why should I care? You paid for the DJ! Toss me another beer and quit bugging me about wedding stuff, that's your Mom's job."

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat

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QUESTION # 53: PROPERTY PROBLEMS

Dear Useless Men,

I am looking at buying a house and I have narrowed the decision down to two locations. House #1 is a perfect location and has all the amenities I require. It is a little more expensive than house #2, but I have been preapproved for my mortgage so financing is not a problem.

House #2 needs some work, is in a location that is a little troublesome, but has a great backyard. The previous owner passed away, and to be honest, I can;t be sure if it was actually in the house or not. Police ruled out foul play though.

Here is my problem. I hate the real estate agent that has house #1 listed. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of selling the house. Should I just settle for house number #2?

Sincerely,
Bitter Buyer

Dear Bitter Buyer,

Why should you give in to that parasite? Especially with a perfectly good plan B staring you in the face. The few shortcomings it has will work to your advantage anyway. If indeed the previous occupant died while in the house, then it is most likely haunted. This will take care of the troublesome neighbors as they usually walk past a haunted house in a hurry.

As you have a perfectly good backyard, you can throw a tent down in the yard and camp out until you can complete renovations. Take your time and get them right since you'll be outside anyways. This will give you time to get all the repairs done you need. You will also enjoy the tents until you can arrange for a seance to find out what the previous occupant needs to be able to move on. Or better still you can come to agreement with them at the seance so you can have a "live in" security system in perpetuity. It's not like they'll be eating much, so the system is foolproof.

What's to settle for? House #1 will put you at the mercy of a person you obviously despise and yield a boring house. House #2 will spite him quite nicely while providing you with plenty of excitement and stories to tell the family for generations.

You do what feels right, but I'd be all over house #2 like a fat kid on a twinkie.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 52: HOUSEWORK AND HOPELESS HUSBANDS

Dear Useless Men,

I work part time. I am a mom with two preschool age boys. Two days a week I have to drive an hour away, drop the kids off at Grandma's and go to work, which is down the street. I get everything ready for the kids, lunch, clothes, etc, pack them up myself in the morning, all the while he sleeps. I typically leave at 6:30 AM and get home at 6:30 PM on those days. He just trots off to work at 7:30 am, just having to deal with getting himself ready for the day.

The problem is, I also get almost no housework done on those days, with the exception of making dinner for the family and cleaning it up. Granted he helps with bathtime while I clean the kitchen from dinner. But why is it my very intelligent husband can not compute that that it is not possible for his wife to do laundry while she is an hour away and at work on those days!?!?! He gets so pissy about the lack of housework done on the two days a week I work!

Trying Not to Hit Him Over the Head

Dear Trying

I would simply stop doing laundry. Have everybody wear their clothing until it is not fit to use anymore and then dispose of the dirty clothes on garbage day. This will effectively shift the workload to him as he puts out the garbage.

This is a can't fail solution because you will then get to go shopping for clothes, and activity which brings tears to my eyes, which is apparently a pastime of many women. If you don't like shopping I woudl simply suggest having mail-order clothing sent in. The only other option is to use a uniform service.

These handy folks come to the contract drop point and leave clean clothing while taking away the dirty. The family will adapt to wearing all blues while you will have the added benefit of being able to swap clothes if you run short for someone because they went through too many that week (A real plus if you end up with clothes horse boys as they age).

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd be a Cat


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QUESTION # 51: MEETING USEFUL MEN

Dear Useless Men,

How can I meet men? Not losers or dorks, but regular, interesting, good looking men? I just moved to a new city and I hate sitting alone every weekend.

Trish the Dish (lite).

Dear Trish the Dish (lite),

There are many ways to meet men who are regular, interesting and good looking. These kind of men are everywhere. In fact we Useless Men meet your criteria in a dorky loser type of way.

Some of the best ways to meet men include:

1) Blogging. There are many fine catches that blog. Sure most all of them are married or liars but there are a few honest ones anyway. Although if they were interesting and good looking it's unlikely they would be blogging and not already going on dates. But they are regular I'm guessing.

2) Bars. Most men who go to bars meet your qualifications if you get drunk enough. Just don't sober up until Monday and you'll be fine.

3) Funerals. Most funerals seem to happen on weekends. Just go to them and sit with any guy you think is acceptable. If you learn how to cry uncontrollably you will probably even get an occasional hug. Slip your number into his pocket during the hug part.

4) Weddings. Regular, interesting and good looking men are always getting snapped up by women. Since few of them are really ready to commit to marriage there are good opportunities to snatch them up. Sit in the front row and wink and smile at them to increase your chances.

5) Start fires in your apartment. Firemen are all interesting and good looking. And they spend most of their time with other men so they are desperate to meet women.

6) Ditto, policemen. Just speed and they will chase you. Be prepared to pay hefty fines if you run into a policewoman though. They are all crabby.

If none of these tips work, and I'd be shocked if they don't, you could try joining a religious cult. The people involved in these cults will never let you be alone on weekends. Or at any other time for that matter.

Hope this helps..
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 50: USELESS BLOGGERS R US

Dear Useless Men

I'm new to the blogging atmosphere. I don't want to be useless, so I thought I would get your advice and then do the opposite. How many new posts should I blog each week? What about weekend posting?

The Phantom Blogger


Dear Phantom Blogger,

Well, this involves quite a bit of math. First, there are 7 days in a week. A day is composed of 24 hours. Contained within each of those hours, like a peanut inside the chocolate candy coating of a peanut M&M, is 60 minutes. Nestled deep within each of those minutes is a field of seconds that usually amounts to 60. So, 7 days times 24 hours, multiplied by 60 minutes times 60 seconds. The result is definitely a number. We're not going to waste time figuring out what that number is, because, c'mon, that's really nerdy, but we can safely round it down to about 5 without feeling like we're going too high.

So there you have it. Five times a week should do it, and don't expect any responses on Friday because everyone on blogger crawls into a little hidey hole on Friday and doesn't come out until Monday. Unless they start drinking, in which case you'll see them frolicking merrily about on Friday evening and leaving little comments on your blog that you will treasure forever and they will try and pay you to remove.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 49 : CONDITIONS, CONDITIONS

Should I buy central air, or an a/c unit for the window? There is also a portable one I can move room to room.

Your thoughts?


Dear so hot your name melted away;

My thoughts, eh? There's an assumption. For such a limited amount of information you simply deserve a yes answer that will result in expensive installation costs and a contractor visiting your home.

Lucky for you I'm at work and am avoiding my duties so here goes.

I would have to assume that since you do not have an air conditioner already that money is no object. You obviously have saved plenty of money over the years in not paying for maintenance and electricity bills for said air conditioner. So I should think the answer is obvious.

You should buy an air conditioned Recreational Vehicle.

Why simply cool an immovable piece of property when you can cool a mobile home? This will remove you from the overheated and unliveable conditions of your non-mobile home until the weather improves. You also have the added benefit of having conditioned air available to you wherever you may roam. This will also save you immense amounts of time in terms of cleaning and upkeep. You can then spend more time on trips such as fishing and driving to Florida to compare equipment with the retired folks down there. They love to talk "RV" with people. Many love to be able to talk to anyone for that matter, so not only are you improving your social life you are doing a community service as well.

Apply for a grant on the grounds of your charitable work and have other people subsidize your RV and you'll be traveling in style on someone else's coin. I should think that was obvious, but I guess all that heat was getting to you.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat

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QUESTION # 48: LAYING SHAG

Dear Useless Men,

My question comes from the need to understand why men want to lay every woman they possibly can. I once had a friend (we'll call him Mel) that would use the guise of his job (a police officer) to scout out women to shag. Now when I met him on the internet he seemed like a very caring kinda man. And when he would meet a woman as he did everyday his horns would go up and the charm would turn on, and the only qualification she needed to be his shagee would be the fact that she was female. It didn't matter if she were old or young, fat or not, short or tall, blond or bald if she had the right equipment he would try to charm her into the sack. Now my question is:

What makes a man like that?

Just wanting to know

Dear Just Wanting To Know,

To begin, I didn’t even know that you could still buy shag carpeting. I remember how nice it felt under my feet when I was a child. It certainly was warmer than the hardwood floors that are all the rage today.

We men have different talents. Some like to work in the yard, some build birdhouses and some like to lay carpet I guess.

Personally my talent is to understand what women are saying.

When we have a talent we like to share it with women. All women. It just makes us feel so manly.

I’m not sure why the women have to have the right equipment. Most guys I know have their own tools. Perhaps he is too cheap to buy what he needs.

This Mel guy sounds a little strange. I mean laying carpet for any woman he can charm is one thing but trying to get her to crawl into a sack is just a tad odd.

As far as why he is like this I can only imagine that something about sacks makes laying the carpet more enjoyable. Maybe when the woman is in the sack he can lay carpet without her talking too much.

And some people really like the feel of burlap. Maybe he just wants to share what is a pleasurable experience for him with these women.

Overall it seems somewhat harmless to me. If the women agree to crawling in a sack in order to get shag carpeting then they must think it’s worth it at the time.

As long as he doesn’t throw the sack and woman in a river or something. That would be bad..

Hope this helps,
Another Useless Man


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NOT A QUESTION AT ALL

We Useless Men sometimes receive Useless Mail. Most of it has to do with making parts of our body larger or acquiring illegal software for discount prices. Largely, the rest of it is useless. Every now and then we get a really useless piece of feel-good mail such as this:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee!

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - Children, family, faith, health, friends, and favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls."

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"So... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness."

"Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.. Play another game. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room
for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

The one thing I took away from this, is that we Useless Men are quite possibly on the right track. Like the email says folks, the golf balls are the most important things. Just like golf, you have to watch out for the sand. I missed the metaphor for the beer cart girl. Maybe that was the coffee thing.

Another thing I can tell you for sure, while these feel good emails are typically intended for the women folk, this one must be for the guys. When I showed it to my wife, and told her I was going golfing, she muttered some derogatory comments under her breath mixed with the word useless. I hit the links safe in the knowledge that my status as a useless man was completely intact.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 47: LAUGHING AT TALL DARK HANDSOME

Dear Useless Men,

I'm becoming increasingly anxious around my wife these days. As a man myself, I'm fairly useless, and I'm dreading the time when that becomes apparent to her. Why just the other day she got a small taste. We were driving down the freeway when I got a flat. Luckily I got her to believe that in America we don't have to change our own flats since a magical little service called Triple A comes out and handles it for you, but I think she's starting to get suspicious. I don't want her to think that I imported her from Russia because I'm a big loser! What can I do to make her see me for the man that I am?

Signed,
Definitely Not a Big Loser

Dear Definitely,

There is no hope.

Women are very perceptive. I’ve heard about a man that was caught eating late night fast food when his wife found a sesame seed lodged in the floor mats of their Metro. It’s true, English speaking or not.

The best advice I can give you is make her laugh. Girls are always saying that they love a man that makes them laugh. That’s usually followed by tall, dark and handsome. Sure, these little tricks, like AAA, will be great eye candy in the meantime, but when ever you have the chance. Make her laugh.

Just try this. When you are ready for bed, stand naked in front of the bed. If this makes her laugh, you know you are golden!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 46: INCH WORM

Dear Useless Guys,

I am single and I listen in and talk to men on one of those phone-in date thingys.

My question is this:

Why, when talking to these men do they insist on telling me how well hung they are? Nothing less than 8 inches I'm told, and of course "I want the woman to be satisfied before I'm satisfied." Oh brother! First of all, I'd never want to meet someone who told me that because they probably have a "cocktail weenie", and who wants to date a guy that advertises to everyone how big his unit is?

What a crock!

Signed,
Yes, I said crock!

Dear Crock,

I'm sorry, I don't know what guys are going around bragging about it being only 8 inches. Perhaps you'd like to discuss this over a roofie sometime.

One theory put forth in the scientific journal The Scientific American is the "desperation ladder" which is climbed by men who are desperate for female attention but lack the requisite charm to make it happen. The first rung on this ladder is to better themselves physically, whether it be through pills, salves, complicated medical procedures, or a device known to fans of the first Austin Powers movie.

Once this first run has been successfully ascended, they may then move on to the second, which is to buy a fast car. For older men with limited means this will almost certainly be a Mustang, as for some reason it's still seen as either luxurious or powerful even though it is neither.

For younger men, this will probably be a car full of lights and spoilers that sounds more like something you should squash with a fly-swatter than drive.

The third rung on the ladder is the 'dating service assault'. Rest assured that while they're serenading you with the likes of how well hung they are, they are also online finding out 'where da wimminz at' by spamming '29/m/CA/8in' in every chat room they can possibly get their hand on. It's D-Day, and the world of anonymous interaction is their Normandy.

It doesn't matter what lies they tell, because much like car dealerships, the only goal is to get you with them. At that point, they have to cross the fourth rung of the ladder: Faking how great you still think they are until they can get you drunk enough not to care when you find out they're not.

Really, females, I'm not jealous of you one bit. Finding a good man in this world is not an enviable position. We're all a lot of drunken, slovenly, slobbering, tottering, half-witted, and above all useless neanderthals with as much ability to understand and please a woman as a hippopotamus does of operating a space shuttle. But hey, you can't begrudge us for trying!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 45: ARE THE LINES DOWN?

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men say they will call when we women know they won't?
Why can't they just be honest and truthful about it?
If they don't intend to call just say so.

Help me understand, oh useless ones..

Bewildered in Seattle

Dear Bewildered

I'm sure there are many reasons why a guy wouldn't call, but I don't know them. I know that most men would rather not shoot a lady down for one good reason. He would rather leave you with the possibility that he may call and thereby was a forgetful oaf, rather than shoot you down and be an insensitive clod. You see, we men know that women have a well rounded database on all men on this spinning ball of dirt we call Earth.

He's likely hedging his bet that his entry will simply show him as a forgetful type, which is really what all of us men are anyhow.

"Did you remember to take Jenny to the doctor's office this afternoon?"
"Darnit! I knew I should have been somewhere other than the bowling alley this afternoon!"

Better to be a typical kind of man than stand out as the cruel kind that goes about driving spears of rejection through the hearts of those who control the information flow. Then, when a woman runs his background check she'll not likely just run away and never call him. This, by the way, is the worst thing that can happen as we useless men are not as tough as we look.

Maybe you are coming on too strong or maybe you have that whole "mole-for-the-database" look about you. I suggest a makeover and a list of acceptable men for the databank.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd be a cat


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QUESTION # 44: HOW MUCH IS THE SPAM?

Dear Useless Men,

Vesper Records is pleased to release the new single
by Silk-Debrix "Been A While"

It seems incredible to us that an individual can so easily tear down what the founders of our country fought so hard to obtain and protect. Many of these changes are changing laws and the rights of individuals today. To conform to modern society is now becoming the norm. The moral and ethical values this country once held with pride are slowly being stripped away. It was placed on our hearts to create a collection of songs regarding topics that affect our society today. Written from a unique perspective, “Been a While…” is one of these songs.
-silk-debrix

Take a moment to listen and download this new song at...
http://www.VesperRecords.com

Thank you,
Bob
Vesper Records

Dear Bob,

While I am one that can appreciate good music, I don’t understand your question. Perhaps this email is as useless as we are, since linking to the site, I have to pay to download the song. I wouldn’t suggest that someone steal music online or anything, but if you really wanted to change modern society, perhaps you could do it without a fee attached…

Just a useless thought.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 43: CHILDREN AND CELLPHONES

Dear Useless Men,

My daughters teacher said that she is disruptive in class. Apparently she shouts a lot at boys that pass by and talks on her cell phone during class.

My question is what the heck do teachers expect of kids in grade 2? Don't all kids do this?

Anyways, the teacher and I got into a heated argument about this and now I'm banned from parent teacher reviews for the rest of the year.

Should I sue the school division or the teacher or both?

A Caring Mother

Dear Caring Mother,

It is my solemn belief that kids have no business bringing cellphones into the classroom. That being said, if they are conducting business then certain allowances need be made. These kids are smarter than ever before and with allowances now far in excess of the 50 cents I used to get they arlikelyly contacting their stock brokers.

While a lawsuit is probably not the way to go, you may want to show the teacher and school board your child's return on investment rates. They arlikelyey to invest in your child's fund as well and allow them to use their phone all they need since they are protecting their investments. If this doesn't work out then your child may be entitled to go after them for lost revenues due to delayed trading.

Of course, if they are simply talking to their friends you may have to take a different approach. Borrow your child's cell phone and send a mole in for you. Have them wear a headset and you can feed them questions and answers until they resolve this ban.

As for shouting at boys, I recommend you get a big dog as obviously she is already seeking the attention of them and since she is only in grade 2 things will only escalate as time passes. With the big dog you can at least keep the boys at bay as they come sniffing around the house.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 42: KNIT ME A JOCK

Dear Useless Men,

My son thinks that he should be allowed to try out for the local football team. I’ve told him that he’s too small to play football but it just seems to make him more determined to play.

How can I steer him into talking up something less dangerous like knitting?

The Knitting Lady

Dear Knitting Lady,

Less dangerous? Like knitting? All those sharp needles and no body armour protection?

What kind of mother are you, wishing that danger on a child? Why not just give him a loaded gun, and tell him to play in traffic, IN HIS UNDERWEAR?

Football may seem dangerous, but that’s the image the NFL wants you to see. It’s like professional wrestling… all bluster, but no one really gets hurt.

Unless you are a rookie lined up against the best running back in the district and you look up a little too fast, a little too much, and he nails you with his helmet in the middle of your chest, rupturing your sternum and causing countless hours of pain so intense you would rather stop breathing...

Not that that would happen to YOUR son.

Curse you Rick Petrella, (wherever you are)!
One Useless Man


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