Dear Useless Men:
My daughter's first grade teacher has told me, in tones of complaint, that my daughter bosses the little boys in her class around. She tells them what to do, and they do it. I don't have a problem with this. Little boys are her willing slaves. What's wrong with that? Begin as you intend to continue, and all that. My question is, what should I do with this moron of a teacher, who doesn't understand effective Useless-Male-Handling-Strategies that all women should be happy to adopt. It's not hard, you just have to be smart, competent, funny, attractive, energetic, goal-oriented, and very, very pretty.
So what's the fate of the teacher to be?
Won’t be Foiled Again
Dear Won’t be Foiled Again,
Your daughter's teacher is jealous. She long ago lost the ability to manipulate men through careful concentration of her Feminine Wiles and it enrages her to watch another so effortlessly direct the affections of boys at such a diminutive age! In your daughter she sees represented all she once was, and all she no longer is. She must contemplate the passage of uncaring time, come to grips with her own mortality as she sees demonstrated by your daughter the shadow of a past that she may never relive.
Unless her teacher is a man, in which case he's Useless because he's one of the few of us males that can contemplate the injustice of always being subject to a woman's whims yet being powerless against it. In your daughter he sees the seeds of a bleak future, one where boys are subject to the same emotional torment he himself, and indeed all men before him, have always felt. His only recourse is to stop it at the source, by coming to you and hoping he can get you to see things his way and put an end to your daughter's nefarious actions.
This is, by the way, counterable by wearing a low-cut shirt and carelessly dropping lots of pencils. Like I said, he's powerless against it.
Just Plain Useless
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