Dear Useless Men:
My daughter's first grade teacher has told me, in tones of complaint, that my daughter bosses the little boys in her class around. She tells them what to do, and they do it. I don't have a problem with this. Little boys are her willing slaves. What's wrong with that? Begin as you intend to continue, and all that. My question is, what should I do with this moron of a teacher, who doesn't understand effective Useless-Male-Handling-Strategies that all women should be happy to adopt. It's not hard, you just have to be smart, competent, funny, attractive, energetic, goal-oriented, and very, very pretty.
So what's the fate of the teacher to be?
Won’t be Foiled Again
Dear Won’t be Foiled Again,
Your daughter's teacher is jealous. She long ago lost the ability to manipulate men through careful concentration of her Feminine Wiles and it enrages her to watch another so effortlessly direct the affections of boys at such a diminutive age! In your daughter she sees represented all she once was, and all she no longer is. She must contemplate the passage of uncaring time, come to grips with her own mortality as she sees demonstrated by your daughter the shadow of a past that she may never relive.
Unless her teacher is a man, in which case he's Useless because he's one of the few of us males that can contemplate the injustice of always being subject to a woman's whims yet being powerless against it. In your daughter he sees the seeds of a bleak future, one where boys are subject to the same emotional torment he himself, and indeed all men before him, have always felt. His only recourse is to stop it at the source, by coming to you and hoping he can get you to see things his way and put an end to your daughter's nefarious actions.
This is, by the way, counterable by wearing a low-cut shirt and carelessly dropping lots of pencils. Like I said, he's powerless against it.
Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless
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7 comments:
Dear Useless Men,
That wasn't your funniest post but it was one of your best. What I most like about your blog is the spirit of fun. You don't get judgemental and offended or hjop up on a soap box and rant and rage, instead you keep things light and poke fun at almost everything.
That's why you will become famous and have all those book deals, any day now.
UAfUM groupie (and yes, just as Happy said, I am an older woman).
Laura: Just wear the push-up bra when you go see them or at least a bra that doesn't have the word "minimizer" in its name.
Useless Men: Thank you again for being of absolutely no use. The teacher's a young attractive woman, btw. But she has a son my daughter's age. That probably explains it.
Foilwoman
Could I have the name and address of this young, attractive teacher. I think I can help her come to grips with this problem she has..
If the teacher is an young attractive women but can't see why a girl should order around boys (we boys like to be ordered around by gals anyways) these are possible explanations:
1) Teacher is a nun and doesnt understand these things.
2) Teacher is a lesbian and doesn't get it how some gals need men around doing their bidding.
3) Teacher is a pedophile and takes more than passing intrest in her boys.
There are no reasonable explanations.
Happy and Blue (and SJ) teacher is married . . . and has a six-year old boy of her own. She obviously also has a grown man of her own, who is from one of those more "possessive" cultures and religions. So if you want to contact her, Happy, let me know, and I'll email the information, but let me know when you make your approach. This should be fun to watch (although maybe a tad violent for the younger viewers).
Foilwoman: I still have the bazooka bra (named by my ex) which is pretty much self explanatory. He loved it, I almost never wore it cause it was embarrassing, like wearing the letter M sticking out in front of you. My Grandmother thought it was a great bra, she found it on sale. :D I only wore it for her to see once. My Mom, Grandma and two sisters were all there and laughed ourselves silly.
Okay, Laura, I'm coming to this from another topic (the online dating topic and "perfect men" (blech) topic on your blog -- aren't these lovely Useless Men preferable? They know their place). So, connecting this to that, the bazooka bra is your friend. Really. Wear it early and often. Bosoms: our secret weapon in the war of the sexes.
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