QUESTION # 242: MOST USELESS MAN
Dear Useless Men,
I have probably ruined your nifty set up. You are no longer the most useless men. My mate now holds that title as he up and died on me.
If you want to give advice from a really useless man you will have to pay me a fee of .10 a question for me to use my ability to communicate with him and ask my truly useless man the questions. He will give absolutely no answers, being totally useless now, but I figure I can make 32.50 a year, making you useful because you will have covered my ISP fees for 2 months.
So if you want a truly useless answer, send your dime and your questions to me at forherself@hotmail.com with the subject line "useless advice".
Signed,
One totally annoyed wife of the world's most useless man
(ps, this is only half funny, he really did die...)
Dear Totally Annoyed Wife,
You have every right to be annoyed, just as I am annoyed. If I knew that dying was the way to fame, I would have considered that much earlier in this blog.
I started thinking about this. Everyone that is remembered as a great is dead. In fact, if you look over the long history of this blue orb, there is a majority of dead people, many of which were men, some of which may have actually been useful. Maybe there is some hope that I could, one day, be rich and famous.
Let’s consider some of these men, like Thomas Edison, who is dead. He was a useful man in his day with the invention of the light bulb. Actually, he didn’t “invent” the light bulb, but rather improved on another Useless Man’s 50-year-old invention. Edison made the light bulb more practical for home use, making him the one that is famous, but not rich.
Edison got the fame, but does anyone remember Humphry Davy? Davy, also dead, was the first credited inventor of electric light, with visions of a high traffic business “Square” in the middle of Manhattan, or so the rumour goes. Davy was not famous, but he may have been very rich.
Some people credit Edison with many electric inventions, but he did not invent electricity. That would be Ben Franklin, also dead. However, upon further review, I discovered the inventor of electricity seems to be God, but science has been denying Him for a long time.
Franklin actually invented the Lightning Rod, which led to the discovery of electricity. Standing out in the rain with a kite getting struck by lightning may also have led to the invention of the electric clothes dryer. That too is just rumour amidst the scientific set.
While Franklin does grace the US $100 bill, that hardly means he was rich. “A penny saved is a penny earned,” he was quoted. I tend to follow the advice of Edgar Watson Howe, American author, and also dead, who said about money, “Financial sense is knowing that certain men will promise to do certain things, and fail.” Ain’t that the truth, Edgar. Ain’t that the truth.
It could be argued that the most useful invention ever made was the telephone. Alexander Graham Bell, who is still dead, spent some time in my hometown of Brantford, Ontario. When people think of Brantford, the first thing they think of is the telephone. Actually, they usually think of Wayne Gretzky, who is not dead, but is retired from playing hockey. Maybe this is because Bell never amounted to much in hockey.
Bell, creating the conglomerate monopoly of Bell telephone, lived a meager life, as any visit to the Bell Homestead in Brantford will show. Gretzky, meanwhile, made more than eight million dollars in one hockey season, making him rich, and famous, but not much of an inventor. Rich and famous is an oxymoron for inventors.
I think you see the trend here; the most useful men are the dead ones. And they are poor.
As for your fee, please remember that all referrals from this post require compensation of 15% as a Finder’s Fee, dropping your yearly estimate to $27.62. And that’s Canadian money. A quick currency exchange converts that to $23.91 USD.
There really is no money in being useless… or fame, sadly.
Sincerely,
One Useless Man
We answer everything! Send YOUR questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men today. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 87% Alive; 13% Kicking. Click here.
If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.
I have probably ruined your nifty set up. You are no longer the most useless men. My mate now holds that title as he up and died on me.
If you want to give advice from a really useless man you will have to pay me a fee of .10 a question for me to use my ability to communicate with him and ask my truly useless man the questions. He will give absolutely no answers, being totally useless now, but I figure I can make 32.50 a year, making you useful because you will have covered my ISP fees for 2 months.
So if you want a truly useless answer, send your dime and your questions to me at forherself@hotmail.com with the subject line "useless advice".
Signed,
One totally annoyed wife of the world's most useless man
(ps, this is only half funny, he really did die...)
Dear Totally Annoyed Wife,
You have every right to be annoyed, just as I am annoyed. If I knew that dying was the way to fame, I would have considered that much earlier in this blog.
I started thinking about this. Everyone that is remembered as a great is dead. In fact, if you look over the long history of this blue orb, there is a majority of dead people, many of which were men, some of which may have actually been useful. Maybe there is some hope that I could, one day, be rich and famous.
Let’s consider some of these men, like Thomas Edison, who is dead. He was a useful man in his day with the invention of the light bulb. Actually, he didn’t “invent” the light bulb, but rather improved on another Useless Man’s 50-year-old invention. Edison made the light bulb more practical for home use, making him the one that is famous, but not rich.
Edison got the fame, but does anyone remember Humphry Davy? Davy, also dead, was the first credited inventor of electric light, with visions of a high traffic business “Square” in the middle of Manhattan, or so the rumour goes. Davy was not famous, but he may have been very rich.
Some people credit Edison with many electric inventions, but he did not invent electricity. That would be Ben Franklin, also dead. However, upon further review, I discovered the inventor of electricity seems to be God, but science has been denying Him for a long time.
Franklin actually invented the Lightning Rod, which led to the discovery of electricity. Standing out in the rain with a kite getting struck by lightning may also have led to the invention of the electric clothes dryer. That too is just rumour amidst the scientific set.
While Franklin does grace the US $100 bill, that hardly means he was rich. “A penny saved is a penny earned,” he was quoted. I tend to follow the advice of Edgar Watson Howe, American author, and also dead, who said about money, “Financial sense is knowing that certain men will promise to do certain things, and fail.” Ain’t that the truth, Edgar. Ain’t that the truth.
It could be argued that the most useful invention ever made was the telephone. Alexander Graham Bell, who is still dead, spent some time in my hometown of Brantford, Ontario. When people think of Brantford, the first thing they think of is the telephone. Actually, they usually think of Wayne Gretzky, who is not dead, but is retired from playing hockey. Maybe this is because Bell never amounted to much in hockey.
Bell, creating the conglomerate monopoly of Bell telephone, lived a meager life, as any visit to the Bell Homestead in Brantford will show. Gretzky, meanwhile, made more than eight million dollars in one hockey season, making him rich, and famous, but not much of an inventor. Rich and famous is an oxymoron for inventors.
I think you see the trend here; the most useful men are the dead ones. And they are poor.
As for your fee, please remember that all referrals from this post require compensation of 15% as a Finder’s Fee, dropping your yearly estimate to $27.62. And that’s Canadian money. A quick currency exchange converts that to $23.91 USD.
There really is no money in being useless… or fame, sadly.
Sincerely,
One Useless Man
We answer everything! Send YOUR questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men today. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 87% Alive; 13% Kicking. Click here.
If you found this advice useless, please comment in our therapy session, available online below.
Advice given at
3:30 PM
6 Comments:
On another note, our condolences go out to you and your family. While we are mostly useless, and we do answer every email, you have been a long and loyal reader of Useless Advice. As our online friend, our thoughts and prayers do go out to you as you struggle through the next stages of life. Stay strong.
By
JODSTER, at 3:50 PM
My condolences. I send you a big hug and best wishes.
By
Chana, at 4:12 PM
Sorry to hear about your husband's death... I'd send you 10 cents, but I need every penny to pay my doctors... Now if some man could come up with a cure...
By
Cynthia E. Bagley, at 5:32 PM
Thank you all for your so kind thoughts. My mate is actually turning out to be not totally useless, even dead.
The chores he doesn't do keep me busy, the dogs he can't pet anymore make me get up in the morning and the cats he pays absolutly no attention to now make sure I get out of my chair at least 10 times a day.
By being useless he is still keeping me busy when otherwise I might have curled up in a ball and cried the rest of my life.
That, of course, matches your theory, that the dead are useful, again screwing you up because now you have written a useful observation where all can see it.
HA!
Oh yeah, and knocking my cut down then converting it to Canadian was a typical male trick to get a bigger cut of the cash.
Being a true american I will just raise my rates to get a higher profit...LOL.
Thank you for being my friends. He may not be useless but I really miss him.
By
Valerie - Riding Solo, at 5:40 PM
Spending time with people, or just getting out helps a lot. Good wishes to you.
By
Laura, at 10:28 PM
Thank you laura, noted.
By
Valerie - Riding Solo, at 7:47 PM
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