QUESTION # 245: RENT-A-MAN

Dear Useless Men,

After many bad relationships, I think I have come up with the perfect idea. The "Rent a man" You can rent a man to take care of the lawn, fix stuff around the house, squish bugs, and let the children know in a stern voice "Don't talk to your mother that way" then after some...ummm, other manly duties, let him go to wherever he goes, and just rent him on an as need basis, not having to serve him dinner, or supply him with clean socks.

What do you think about this idea...do you think it will work?? I think I'm a genius!!!

Dreaming of a Better Man

Dear Dreamer,

Utopian societies rarely flourish. And rest assured, what you have described here is as near a Utopia as has ever been imagined. Men getting paid to do the things which we usually receive as an unfortunate side effect of ourselves paying to secure regular sexual encounters for the rest of our lives? The only thing that would be better is if we went home to our meat-and-chocolate houses to bathe in beer.

No, unfortunately, the two genders - which might as well be two different species - are eternally entwined in a symbiotic relationship. What would invariably end up happening is this:

"Rent-a-Man, this is Jake speaking, how can I help you?"
"You can't. My name's Linda and I want my Rodney."
"Ma'am, Rodney is one of our specialists. He's out on another call right--"
"What!! That lying cheat! Give me his personal number!"
"Ma'am, you know we can't do that. At Rent-a-Man, all of our customers are special, and that means nobody gets preferential treatment. Besides, his personal contact numbers are confidential. This is all laid out in the contract you signed --"
"Confidential? I know how many moles are on his butt, Jake. Do YOU know how many moles are on his butt?"
"No, but that's not--"
"Eighteen. That's how many. Now are you going to give me his number?"
"Actually, yes, because I just weighed the pros and cons and it could be him having this discussion with you rather than me. Let me put you on hold and I'll get you that number."

Later
"Rodney speaking."
"You lying SOB!"
"Customer ID 4458539? Is that you?"
"Don't you Customer ID four-four whatever me you lying dog. Get back here right now. The lawn's a mess, the children are crying, and I need a massage."
"But I--"
"NOW, Rodney!"
"Yes, dear."

Or, equally likely, is the following scenario:

"Rodney, what are you doing here? You're not still on the job, are you?"
"Linda, I'm sorry, I know it's against the rules but I had to see you again. Those eyes. They're like two, big, beautiful blue breasts right on your face. That's how good looking your eyes are."
"I'm calling the cops."
"Good! I need as many witnesses as possible. I, Rodney Wilson Goodfellow, love you, Linda Customer ID 4458539. I even brought you a rose. See?"
"What was that thing you said about my eyes again?"
"They're like boobs, but on your face."
"How sweet! Would you like to come inside for some coffee?"

You see, men and women will fight any separation and naturally gravitate toward an equilibrium wherein we both make each other miserable. This shared misery is what leads many men and women onto the path of greatness. Without it, all we'd be doing is sitting around being happy and content all the time.

That's hardly conducive to a forward-thinking society that's looking to get ahead in the universe.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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