QUESTION # 260: VISUALLY IMPAIRED DATING
Dear Useless Men,
I have been going on (blind) dates on a few occassions and none of them have really turned out right For instance: a guy who told me he was 6 ft and turned out to be 5ft2.... (did he think actually think that would go unnoticed?); a guy who had nothing else to say to me than going on about his parakeets; men who turn out to be married; etc...
Can you give me some blind dating advice on quickly establishing such dating disasters and how to deal with it if I do encounter them in person?
Dutch Bitch
Dear Dutch,
May I call you Dutch? I, myself, have never partaken in a blind date, mostly because I don't qualify. However, that being said, you don't have to be a celebrity to be an expert on divorce.
Blind dates are tough. Not only do you have to deal with the awkwardness of conversing with someone you don't know, and mentally deal with the fact that you already know the one thing he's after, but you also have to drag your 15-year-old incontinent seeing-eye-dog along with you. And while most restaurants allow seeing-eye-dogs, in the back of your mind there's always the chance that your seeing-eye-dog won't get along with his seeing-eye-dog. And that could make or break the night before you even sit down.
As for the fellow who indicated to you that he was 6 feet tall, he probably assumed you wouldn't notice his height due to your blindness. He thought he could get away with it, as some people would. Sometimes, people forget that blind folks have super-enhanced senses.
Being a mere 5' 2", his voice likely ricocheted off his spaghetti dinner at close range. With your extra-sensitive super-human hearing, and based on your knowledge that the average restaurant booth is 34 inches wide, you would be able to estimate his height, weight, shoe size, and underwear preference.
Obviously, you are a smart cookie.
If you detect that a date isn't going well, put that extra-sensitive super-human hearing to task. Remind your date that because you're blind, you can hear extraordinary things. Like voices. Not just Chef Giacomo talking about his new nipple piercings in the kitchen, you could add, “I mean from beyond the grave.”
Convince him that the voices drive you mad, insisting that you destroy all living creatures. Start complaining of a really bad headache, scream, and hit yourself in the head with a loaf of tasty garlic bread. If you're lucky, Mr. Wrong will grab the check and take you home. Of course, if he's blind too, he'll just call a cab. Either way, you can still leave the restaurant with a full stomach and a full wallet, claiming you've got to get to your shrink right away.
As you exit the restaurant, you won't even be embarrassed that the other patrons are staring at you, because you've got that wonderful gift of blindness.
Please give your doggy a treat from me.
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
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I have been going on (blind) dates on a few occassions and none of them have really turned out right For instance: a guy who told me he was 6 ft and turned out to be 5ft2.... (did he think actually think that would go unnoticed?); a guy who had nothing else to say to me than going on about his parakeets; men who turn out to be married; etc...
Can you give me some blind dating advice on quickly establishing such dating disasters and how to deal with it if I do encounter them in person?
Dutch Bitch
Dear Dutch,
May I call you Dutch? I, myself, have never partaken in a blind date, mostly because I don't qualify. However, that being said, you don't have to be a celebrity to be an expert on divorce.
Blind dates are tough. Not only do you have to deal with the awkwardness of conversing with someone you don't know, and mentally deal with the fact that you already know the one thing he's after, but you also have to drag your 15-year-old incontinent seeing-eye-dog along with you. And while most restaurants allow seeing-eye-dogs, in the back of your mind there's always the chance that your seeing-eye-dog won't get along with his seeing-eye-dog. And that could make or break the night before you even sit down.
As for the fellow who indicated to you that he was 6 feet tall, he probably assumed you wouldn't notice his height due to your blindness. He thought he could get away with it, as some people would. Sometimes, people forget that blind folks have super-enhanced senses.
Being a mere 5' 2", his voice likely ricocheted off his spaghetti dinner at close range. With your extra-sensitive super-human hearing, and based on your knowledge that the average restaurant booth is 34 inches wide, you would be able to estimate his height, weight, shoe size, and underwear preference.
Obviously, you are a smart cookie.
If you detect that a date isn't going well, put that extra-sensitive super-human hearing to task. Remind your date that because you're blind, you can hear extraordinary things. Like voices. Not just Chef Giacomo talking about his new nipple piercings in the kitchen, you could add, “I mean from beyond the grave.”
Convince him that the voices drive you mad, insisting that you destroy all living creatures. Start complaining of a really bad headache, scream, and hit yourself in the head with a loaf of tasty garlic bread. If you're lucky, Mr. Wrong will grab the check and take you home. Of course, if he's blind too, he'll just call a cab. Either way, you can still leave the restaurant with a full stomach and a full wallet, claiming you've got to get to your shrink right away.
As you exit the restaurant, you won't even be embarrassed that the other patrons are staring at you, because you've got that wonderful gift of blindness.
Please give your doggy a treat from me.
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
Need MORE dating advice? Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men today. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 4% Visual, 96% Impaired. Click here.
Advice given at
9:16 PM
6 Comments:
I wish I had this advice when I was dating. BUT I wasn't blind and didn't have a dog... ;-)
By
Cynthia E. Bagley, at 2:58 PM
That sounds like a great way to end any date (or even an awkward get together with family)..and avoid any repeat invitations!
By
SIL, at 5:50 PM
Hillarious! Absolutely Hillarious!
By
Chana, at 6:11 PM
Yeah, this is about as useless as it gets. Way to go!
By
Miss Cellania, at 12:15 AM
If the date goes hideously wrong, replace his seeing eye dog with a cat. It's extremely unlikely you will ever hear from him again. It's really unlikely he will ever get home for one thing.
By
Laura, at 5:13 PM
LOL @ Laura!
By
Martini, at 3:59 PM
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