QUESTION # 292: CRUISE WITH THE CRAZIES
Dear Useless Men,
Do you think Tom Cruise is an alien? He sure has been acting strangely. No human would ever even think of eating the placenta!
Top Gun
Dear Top Gun,
Don't be so quick to judge what people will and won't eat. As an example, I can't fathom why someone would eat the polymer enhanced "meat" that lives inside a Big Mac, but One Useless Man will consume as many as his wallet can bear. I'm a little pickier but understand that people will eat all manner of things. During the Second World War, people ate whatever they had to in order to stay alive. These days we are lucky to have a somewhat broader menu at our disposal. With these choices comes the type of person who likes to colour outside the lines a little bit. These extreme gourmands will eat things no other person would think of eating, like many spouses' attempts at cooking, or even Taco Bell.
I think this is just Tom's way of trying to secure a solid financial footing for his newborn child, as he will certainly freak people out enough to not go and see his mediocre movies anymore. He's going to need more money to build his spaceship, or whatever else occurs to him next, so the dwindling income stream will have to be replaced with something. The way I see it, there will be a toss up between two possibilities:
Possibility #1 - Tom’s Diner. Or, if that popular title is taken, Tom's Placenta Cooking Show. He will have regular guests like Emeril Lagasse and Paul Prudhomme to show us how to liven up that boring old placenta day after day. After all, variety is supposed to be the spice of life right?
Possibility #2 - Tom will use video of his placenta eating exploits as an audition tape for Fear Factor. Not only is Fear not a Factor for Tom, but, apparently, neither is common sense. He'll be a natural for whatever ludicrous stunts they wish to put him through.
What I do give him credit for is the fact that he waits for a movie of his to be premiering before he unloads one of his "gems". This way many people will simply brush off his strangeness as a simple publicity stunt. He could tear a person's throat out on live television and people would simply say, "Oh, there goes Tom again…What’s he promoting now?"
We should really be taking a stand against him before his power grows. Before we know it, the population will have been overtaken by Tom and his minions. Imagine this Tominion scenario: Movie theatres only feature formulaic, dreadful science fiction and overblown action movies. With our mind numbed to the world around us by endless TC movies, we'll be steeped in his ideas.
Soon, we'll all end up eating at TC branded restaurants, oblivious to the reality of the ingredients. Until some poor soul bucks the system and kicks in the doors to a restaurant, screaming, "It's placenta! Soylent Tom is made out of placenta. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!" Maybe then we'll catch on. Either way, it’s a risky business.
It isn't pretty, but it's inevitable if we don't act now!
Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat
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Do you think Tom Cruise is an alien? He sure has been acting strangely. No human would ever even think of eating the placenta!
Top Gun
Dear Top Gun,
Don't be so quick to judge what people will and won't eat. As an example, I can't fathom why someone would eat the polymer enhanced "meat" that lives inside a Big Mac, but One Useless Man will consume as many as his wallet can bear. I'm a little pickier but understand that people will eat all manner of things. During the Second World War, people ate whatever they had to in order to stay alive. These days we are lucky to have a somewhat broader menu at our disposal. With these choices comes the type of person who likes to colour outside the lines a little bit. These extreme gourmands will eat things no other person would think of eating, like many spouses' attempts at cooking, or even Taco Bell.
I think this is just Tom's way of trying to secure a solid financial footing for his newborn child, as he will certainly freak people out enough to not go and see his mediocre movies anymore. He's going to need more money to build his spaceship, or whatever else occurs to him next, so the dwindling income stream will have to be replaced with something. The way I see it, there will be a toss up between two possibilities:
Possibility #1 - Tom’s Diner. Or, if that popular title is taken, Tom's Placenta Cooking Show. He will have regular guests like Emeril Lagasse and Paul Prudhomme to show us how to liven up that boring old placenta day after day. After all, variety is supposed to be the spice of life right?
Possibility #2 - Tom will use video of his placenta eating exploits as an audition tape for Fear Factor. Not only is Fear not a Factor for Tom, but, apparently, neither is common sense. He'll be a natural for whatever ludicrous stunts they wish to put him through.
What I do give him credit for is the fact that he waits for a movie of his to be premiering before he unloads one of his "gems". This way many people will simply brush off his strangeness as a simple publicity stunt. He could tear a person's throat out on live television and people would simply say, "Oh, there goes Tom again…What’s he promoting now?"
We should really be taking a stand against him before his power grows. Before we know it, the population will have been overtaken by Tom and his minions. Imagine this Tominion scenario: Movie theatres only feature formulaic, dreadful science fiction and overblown action movies. With our mind numbed to the world around us by endless TC movies, we'll be steeped in his ideas.
Soon, we'll all end up eating at TC branded restaurants, oblivious to the reality of the ingredients. Until some poor soul bucks the system and kicks in the doors to a restaurant, screaming, "It's placenta! Soylent Tom is made out of placenta. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!" Maybe then we'll catch on. Either way, it’s a risky business.
It isn't pretty, but it's inevitable if we don't act now!
Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat
Need cooking tips for an alien dinner party? Contact Useless Advice from Useless Men today. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. Now with 15% more placenta! Click here.
Advice given at
12:44 PM
7 Comments:
OMG! That was the funniest post ever! I have a headache from laughing :o)
By
Michelle, at 5:58 AM
Here ye heathen, convert to Scientology now or repent for the rest of your lives.
By
SJ, at 6:05 AM
Very funny stuff ... I mostly enjoyed M:I:III, even if TC is a total dingbat
By
Reel Fanatic, at 8:12 PM
Am I the only one who thought eating the placenta wasn't weird?
I mean with a good rinse, some olive oil and chives . . . and it's his own kid anyway. And besides, I think there's a place somewhere that has a delicacy with placenta in it.
By
GC (God's Child), at 9:22 PM
So, did you watch Mission Impossible 3 yet? I've heard Tom is going to run his latest nose picking recipes at the end. It's a real 'must see'!
By
Laura, at 1:18 AM
Tom Cruise is less than Useless. You guys -- the Gods of my idolatry -- shouldn't mention him in a post where you sign your Useless names. Not even you, More Useless Than My Cat (aka Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat). Have some self-respect. You may be Useless, but do try for some dignity.
By
Foilwoman, at 1:58 AM
I blame the French. Let's eat THEM.
By
anonymous jones, at 2:07 AM
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