QUESTION # 295: GROIN PULL
Dear Useless Men,
I desperately need to cure my softball related groin injury before this weekend; what can I do?
I've tried everything from ointments to exercises to massages (with a happy ending); but the ultimate ending wasn't happy enough ... help!
Thanks in advance.
Best regards,
Hobbled
Dear Hobbled,
It's nice to hear from a fellow Groin Puller! It's a dying sport. I've been Pulling Groin since I was 12 and got quite good at it. However, I never really had the drive to go professional and now I just Pull Groin once a week if I'm lucky.
My first piece of advice would be to stop playing other games or sports that could potentially ruin your Groin Pulling career. That may be harsh, but if you really want to make it as a Groin Puller, you've got to make sacrifices. Stick to extra curricular activities like chess, checkers, softball for PS2, or Scrabble, the spinning board version to avoid unnecessary reaching.
There is no real cure for a groin injury. It has to run its course. That's why the best cure is preventative. Avoid activities like real softball, writing your name in snow, twister and especially any fancy sex positions. Just put the Kama Sutra away until you retire from Groin Pulling... remember, sacrifices.
For now, get rest and stay off your feet. Avoid coffee and beer to keep urination to a minimum until you’re feeling yourself again. When you're ready, practice every day. And don't forget to stretch properly!
Continue with the massages and ointments. Have you given thought to massages with ointments? Try it. You'll be surprised by the results. What about receiving massages from other people? Professional massages are great in that you can just lay back and relax and let your mind focus on game plans and strategies. Most Medical benefits packages will cover upwards of about $500.00 towards professional massages. Keep that in mind.
With that in mind, stay hard and fast. There may be no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in Groin and that's really what it's all about.
Good Luck. I'll be pullin' for you!
Sincerely,
One Useless Brother
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I desperately need to cure my softball related groin injury before this weekend; what can I do?
I've tried everything from ointments to exercises to massages (with a happy ending); but the ultimate ending wasn't happy enough ... help!
Thanks in advance.
Best regards,
Hobbled
Dear Hobbled,
It's nice to hear from a fellow Groin Puller! It's a dying sport. I've been Pulling Groin since I was 12 and got quite good at it. However, I never really had the drive to go professional and now I just Pull Groin once a week if I'm lucky.
My first piece of advice would be to stop playing other games or sports that could potentially ruin your Groin Pulling career. That may be harsh, but if you really want to make it as a Groin Puller, you've got to make sacrifices. Stick to extra curricular activities like chess, checkers, softball for PS2, or Scrabble, the spinning board version to avoid unnecessary reaching.
There is no real cure for a groin injury. It has to run its course. That's why the best cure is preventative. Avoid activities like real softball, writing your name in snow, twister and especially any fancy sex positions. Just put the Kama Sutra away until you retire from Groin Pulling... remember, sacrifices.
For now, get rest and stay off your feet. Avoid coffee and beer to keep urination to a minimum until you’re feeling yourself again. When you're ready, practice every day. And don't forget to stretch properly!
Continue with the massages and ointments. Have you given thought to massages with ointments? Try it. You'll be surprised by the results. What about receiving massages from other people? Professional massages are great in that you can just lay back and relax and let your mind focus on game plans and strategies. Most Medical benefits packages will cover upwards of about $500.00 towards professional massages. Keep that in mind.
With that in mind, stay hard and fast. There may be no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in Groin and that's really what it's all about.
Good Luck. I'll be pullin' for you!
Sincerely,
One Useless Brother
Answering reader submitted questions daily. Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men today. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. Stretching ourselves thin daily. Click here.
Advice given at
2:28 AM
6 Comments:
I wonder whether it will be cured BEFORE the weekend and what will happen if it isn't?
By
DutchBitch, at 7:01 PM
absolutely funny...good writting...thanks for the laughs...
By
Chana, at 7:02 PM
now i know what to tell the menfolk in
my life when they have a groinpulling injury. i don't think i'll recommend the professional massages though.
By
schaumi, at 10:26 PM
There is no 'i' in team but there is an 'm' and an 'e'.
By
anonymous jones, at 3:10 AM
Very nice. No help from me here this time. I wouldn't know what to say. And probably wouldn't know one of those pull things if I saw it.
..
By
Jim, at 4:19 AM
Just remember to keep it clean. No one likes to type on a wet keyboard.
By
Laura, at 4:49 AM
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