QUESTION # 301: PRE-HISTORIC BARBIE
Dear Useless Men,
With the weather over here getting better and better a question keeps popping into my mind that comes back every year and finally I know where to submit it: To the Useless Men...
What is it with this primal need of men to light up the BBQ with every first ray of sunshine and moreover, why are women banned from doing anything BBQ related when they do...? Next thing they are gonna drag us thru the garden by our hair!
DutchBitch
Dear DutchBitch,
You are absolutely correct You SHOULD submit questions to Useless Men. If everyone could please repeat after you: SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO USELESS MEN. End Transmission.
I don’t know what the seasons are like in your Dutch-land, (or is it Denmark?)… Let me start again.
I don’t know what the seasons are like “over there”, but I’m from Canada, and we have four distinct seasons.
Spring is the start of sunnier days. Summer is the one with the most rays of sunshine, and a patio favourite. Autumn, or Fall, is colourful and cool, and the perfect time to eat turkey. Winter is snow and car crashes. Canadians may claim to be experts on winter driving, but we still end up with 27 car pileups on highways. It’s like NASCAR on Ice (TM pending).
My point is that in Canada there is no specific BBQ season. We can BBQ year round. I can put on my mukluks in the deepest of winter and fire up that canister of propane for a succulent sirloin any day of the year. Anyone afraid to go out in the middle of a storm to charcoal a piece of red meat is not a man. Well, not a useless one.
“It takes a wiener to cook a wiener,” someone’s Dad always said. Seemed somewhat sexist, but then he’d light a blue angel the size of an oil refinery and we’d laugh and laugh as he dipped his flaming anus in the tropical yard pond.
Having said that, I ask you, would you go out in the midst of a thunderstorm to stand under a metal tipped umbrella next to a metal BBQ containing a large quantity of explosive gas? I’m guessing you would just switch your meal choice to a lean cuisine from the freezer. As long as the storm doesn’t knock out the power to your microwave, your new dinner is ready in four short minutes.
And even if you were willing to stand out there in all kinds of weather, you are just putting yourself at risk. With a good sized flame for a good cooked meat, you put yourself at risk of setting your hair on fire. That would only lead to the incessant references to Michael Jackson’s Pepsi incident, and the abuse just wouldn’t be worth it.
Besides, without hair, how are the men going to get you back through the garden? I’m not carrying any one with my bad back.
Sincerely,
One Useless Man
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With the weather over here getting better and better a question keeps popping into my mind that comes back every year and finally I know where to submit it: To the Useless Men...
What is it with this primal need of men to light up the BBQ with every first ray of sunshine and moreover, why are women banned from doing anything BBQ related when they do...? Next thing they are gonna drag us thru the garden by our hair!
DutchBitch
Dear DutchBitch,
You are absolutely correct You SHOULD submit questions to Useless Men. If everyone could please repeat after you: SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO USELESS MEN. End Transmission.
I don’t know what the seasons are like in your Dutch-land, (or is it Denmark?)… Let me start again.
I don’t know what the seasons are like “over there”, but I’m from Canada, and we have four distinct seasons.
Spring is the start of sunnier days. Summer is the one with the most rays of sunshine, and a patio favourite. Autumn, or Fall, is colourful and cool, and the perfect time to eat turkey. Winter is snow and car crashes. Canadians may claim to be experts on winter driving, but we still end up with 27 car pileups on highways. It’s like NASCAR on Ice (TM pending).
My point is that in Canada there is no specific BBQ season. We can BBQ year round. I can put on my mukluks in the deepest of winter and fire up that canister of propane for a succulent sirloin any day of the year. Anyone afraid to go out in the middle of a storm to charcoal a piece of red meat is not a man. Well, not a useless one.
“It takes a wiener to cook a wiener,” someone’s Dad always said. Seemed somewhat sexist, but then he’d light a blue angel the size of an oil refinery and we’d laugh and laugh as he dipped his flaming anus in the tropical yard pond. Having said that, I ask you, would you go out in the midst of a thunderstorm to stand under a metal tipped umbrella next to a metal BBQ containing a large quantity of explosive gas? I’m guessing you would just switch your meal choice to a lean cuisine from the freezer. As long as the storm doesn’t knock out the power to your microwave, your new dinner is ready in four short minutes.
And even if you were willing to stand out there in all kinds of weather, you are just putting yourself at risk. With a good sized flame for a good cooked meat, you put yourself at risk of setting your hair on fire. That would only lead to the incessant references to Michael Jackson’s Pepsi incident, and the abuse just wouldn’t be worth it.
Besides, without hair, how are the men going to get you back through the garden? I’m not carrying any one with my bad back.
Sincerely,
One Useless Man
Test your recipes on Useless Men! We'll cook t up and leave a review.
Send your copy to Useless Advice from Useless Men today. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 12% Spring, 26% Summer, 4% Fall, 58% Winter. Click here.
Advice given at
4:15 PM
10 Comments:
i love man that barbecue...i love anyones that barbecues...i love barbecue anything..i wouldn't complain, i'm tired of microwave lean anything...now i'm hungry...again..
By
Chana, at 2:58 PM
Damn I look hot. hehehehehe
By
Rainypete, at 6:00 PM
Our grill...okay...MY grill is an estrogen-free zone. Beef, dogs, sausages, thats what we're grillin and nothin else. If my wife got in there, she'd try to grill mushroom tops and dainty shrimp. Blech.
But she knows better.
When we had our kid, I may have put a bun in my wife's oven, but she did the cookin. She can extend me the same respect with my Jenn-Air grill-o-matic!
By
Schadenfreude, at 11:59 PM
Ya know... most Canadian men must be useless, cause I don't know any that wouldn't head out in the dead of winter - or during a thunder storm for that matter - to BBQ. *lol*
By
sugarnspice, at 12:54 AM
I was wondering who that was...so it's you, well nice to meet your other half...:)
By
Chana, at 2:42 AM
I am glad to let them BBQ. Go forth and cook useless man. I get them to BBQ vegetables too. Once they have the fire going they're happy to add more to their mad science experiment. I give my brother corn, potatoes, squash, fish, asparagus, carrots, etc and they all go on the grill. Most of them I wrap in silver foil with butter. The best thing about my brother on the BBQ is that he cleans up after himself. My Dad would just leave it all there, outside to get rusty. Men need to be a little bit anal, it's the only way we can tell them from the apes.
By
Laura, at 1:30 PM
Yeah, you won't find any woman cooking outdoors in the snow. Thats useless@!
By
Miss Cellania, at 2:29 PM
Thanks you guys! A real "Useless Men" reply as always! It's great! I linked from my blog to your post to make more people start bothering you with questions, so you can change more lifes with your replies!
By
DutchBitch, at 6:37 PM
I will BBQ in any weather. I've grilled during a blizzard, thunderstorms, heat waves, cold snaps (-15F), windstorms, even a tornado! Nothing can stop this useless man from cooking meat over a fire.
Now excuse me, it's time to fire up the grill! I'm making some BBQ chicken tonight.
By
Nobody, at 10:05 PM
I got charcoal to light at -48F. The steaks tasted good but took a while to cook.
By
Anonymous, at 5:02 PM
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