QUESTION # 305: MEAN AND STUPID

Dear Useless Men,

It seems to be a fact of life that girls are mean and boys are stupid, and this lasts throughout life. Stupid boys grow into stupid men while mean girls grow into mean women. Don't fool yourself, this applies to just about everyone with a gender.

Now, there's a certain line of thought that says that girls are mean because boys are stupid, that it's dealing with the stupidity that frustrates us and makes us take it out on those boys, and each other, and pretty much everyone.

But why are boys stupid?

Your answer could serve to enlighten everyone and maybe, just maybe, make girls less mean.

~A (mean) girl

Dear Mean Girl,

When I was little, I thought I was smart. Oh boy, did I ever. Turns out I wasn't. I was simply a smart ass. There's a difference. My mom tried to smack some sense into me but ended up giving me minor brain damage instead. That's my excuse, anyway. But it doesn't explain the rest of the world's men.

I know you'd like a quick answer, like boys are stupid because they're made of snips and snails and puppy dog's tails. Yes, snails and dog tails have very low Intelligence Quotients, but the line that precedes the creation of boys pokes holes in that theory. Basically, sugar and spice and everything nice would not mix to create a mean, nasty girl. She would, as logic dictates, turn out "nice".

The rhyme might explain things on the boy's end, but I don't think that's what's really going on. It's a little more complex.

Okay. Picture God as a vehicular manufacturing company. God is like Ford. They're actually very similar, even if you ignore the fact that they both have an O and a D in their names. Both created Mustangs - God's in the form a horse, Ford's in the form of a car. Both have billions of followers and worshippers worldwide. And both will ignore you if you write whiney letters complaining about stuff.

Boys are stupid because, like the Ford Focus when it first entered the market, God's first shot at man didn’t pan out. The Ford Focus, famous for having the largest number of recalls ever, is basically Man. Problems include really raunchy exhaust fumes and a yellow fluid leaking constantly, even after being topped up by a beer or two. In fact, more beer results in more leaking.

It's a piss-poor design, if you ask me.

But God, like Ford, took that original blueprint and improved upon it. Ford fixed all the doodads that were cracking, exploding, leaking and falling off the Focus. God, meanwhile, added headlights and offered accessories like stilettos. In the end, both had curvy designs admired by people worldwide, both proudly turned around a failing product, and both had men and deer alike constantly entranced by headlights.

Headlights. What a fantastic invention.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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