QUESTION # 310: HOT, SMART AND FAT
Dear Useless Men,
May I say how much I admire your work.
Anyway. My question is this. Can you be hot, smart and fat? Or does the fat bit cancel out the hot bit? And I'm not talking the kind of 'fat' that has special interest websites dedicated to it; I'm talking kind of porky.
Yours Anxiously,
Datingmonkey
Dear Datingmonkey,
There is no way a man was going to answer a question about fat and women. It’s like handling a rabid tiger with a hand grenade in its belly. Very dangerous. But not too dangerous for the Occasional Useless Gal!
Let me break this down into two categories. Here is the short and long of it all.
Short answer for smart and fat women: (10 words)
Fat(ter) = Big(ger) boobs
Boobs = hot
Big(ger) boobs = even more hot
Short answer for smart and fat men: (15 words)
Fat(ter) = Big(ger) man boobs
Man boobs = not hot
Big(ger) man boobs = even more not-hot
So ladies, go ahead and reach for those Twinkies - fat is your friend! Dudes, put down the hoagies and get to the gym. Not to be cruel or anything, but let's face it - we all know how superficial women can be!
Long answer: North Americans are getting fatter and fatter. "Fat", as a cosmetic concept, has always been relative. If you think you're tipping the scales a bit more than your counterparts, just keep your weight stationary for the next little while and wait for everyone else to catch up. The current trend strongly predicts this! You can even help your counterparts along by feeding them Timbits and Chicken McNuggets. Time is the great equalizer, and in this case, it is no different between the sexes.
* Note: if you couldn't follow the logic of the equations in the short answers, you may wish to reconsider your "smart" descriptor.
** Second Note: If the mention of Twinkies, Timbits, hoagies, and Chicken McNuggets didn't inspire thoughts of "Mmm! That sounds good - I think I'll go get some!" in you, you may wish to reconsider your "fat" descriptor.
Sincerely,
The Occasional Useless Gal
Looking for weight loss solutions? Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men today. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 12% Hot, 34% Smart, 54% Fat. Click here.
May I say how much I admire your work.
Anyway. My question is this. Can you be hot, smart and fat? Or does the fat bit cancel out the hot bit? And I'm not talking the kind of 'fat' that has special interest websites dedicated to it; I'm talking kind of porky.
Yours Anxiously,
Datingmonkey
Dear Datingmonkey,
There is no way a man was going to answer a question about fat and women. It’s like handling a rabid tiger with a hand grenade in its belly. Very dangerous. But not too dangerous for the Occasional Useless Gal!
Let me break this down into two categories. Here is the short and long of it all.
Short answer for smart and fat women: (10 words)
Fat(ter) = Big(ger) boobs
Boobs = hot
Big(ger) boobs = even more hot
Short answer for smart and fat men: (15 words)
Fat(ter) = Big(ger) man boobs
Man boobs = not hot
Big(ger) man boobs = even more not-hot
So ladies, go ahead and reach for those Twinkies - fat is your friend! Dudes, put down the hoagies and get to the gym. Not to be cruel or anything, but let's face it - we all know how superficial women can be!
Long answer: North Americans are getting fatter and fatter. "Fat", as a cosmetic concept, has always been relative. If you think you're tipping the scales a bit more than your counterparts, just keep your weight stationary for the next little while and wait for everyone else to catch up. The current trend strongly predicts this! You can even help your counterparts along by feeding them Timbits and Chicken McNuggets. Time is the great equalizer, and in this case, it is no different between the sexes.
* Note: if you couldn't follow the logic of the equations in the short answers, you may wish to reconsider your "smart" descriptor.
** Second Note: If the mention of Twinkies, Timbits, hoagies, and Chicken McNuggets didn't inspire thoughts of "Mmm! That sounds good - I think I'll go get some!" in you, you may wish to reconsider your "fat" descriptor.
Sincerely,
The Occasional Useless Gal
Looking for weight loss solutions? Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men today. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 12% Hot, 34% Smart, 54% Fat. Click here.
Advice given at
3:01 PM
12 Comments:
today was one of those mornings, so thank you for the laughs...nicely done Useless Gal...
By
Chana, at 3:41 PM
Mmmm..twinkies. Useless gal, that was a great answer! LOL!
By
SIL, at 5:26 PM
Yey! I'm hot somewhere at last!
By
Cherrypie, at 9:24 PM
You have a good point, I don't think women ever say, wow look at the size of his breasts....oh yes, take off that shirt you big hairy stud...what size are those 34c??
Ewww.
By
AlmightyHeidi, at 10:54 PM
LOL,LOL,LOL,LOL,LOL,etc.,etc., ad infinitum..........
By
schaumi, at 11:30 PM
Well, Useless Gal, you are even more useless than Useless Man!
I had to Google Timbits to see what in the world you were talking about.
For the uniniated, Timbits are bite sized donuts, made by the Tim Hortons Company, a subsidiary of Wendys.
Timbits are not widely distributed but seem to be a locally marketed item.
Southerners eat hardier than bite sized donuts so they wouldn't go over very good down here.
I'm 'overweight', not 'fat.' My breasts developed when I was about 16 and very skinny. They still are in the 'Big(ger) boobs = even more hot' catagory. Sorry 'bout that.
No wonder I'm having a problem here.
..
By
Jim, at 3:06 AM
Warning: Muscley pecs CAN give the regrettable illusion of gynaecomastia; Vin Diesel, for instance, and Simon Cowell.
By
anonymous jones, at 3:30 AM
Agree. At least our larger sisters have great racks.....mostly. But manboobs? That is just gross.
By
Steph, at 3:46 AM
Man boobs are just wrong and useless.
By
Maritza, at 1:38 PM
I'm indeed fat and none of those things make me scream mmm. If you'd said ice cream though... =D
Nice to be big and beautiful somewhere!
On a side note, I did date a big guy once that could have worn the same bra size as me. It's kind of scary.
By
Angel, at 2:40 AM
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT answer!
Major clapping for the sometimes useless gal. :-))
By
Anna, at 6:02 PM
Useless Gal, you are anything but useless. I can only say that I sincerely admire your work, almost as much as that of the useless men.
I thank and love you.
Datingmonkey
xxx
By
Datingmonkey, at 7:13 PM
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