QUESTION # 381: A LESSON IN SCOTCH
Dear Useless Men,
My friend just got engaged to a Scotsman. He's a great guy, but he doesn't wear kilts. Any insight as to why he does not embrace his heritage? I'm not sure what to tell her because I'm excited for her, but truly disappointed in his lack of patriotism. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Concerned friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
I'm very happy for your friend and her forthcoming marriage. I hope it's long and full of love and meat. The edible kind. You know? Like, sausages?
This is going downhill fast.
A few years ago, a friend of mine was married wearing his kilt and all the guests were impressed that he was truly bare down there. He was so bare, he could've shot a baby commercial the same day. I don't think his parents were too happy about it though, since he's Jamaican. That was an unusual day.
This Scotsman marrying your friend might not be wearing a kilt on the outside, but deep down inside, he still may love his wee country. You seem to be truly concerned about the kilt business, and there could be a number of reasons he doesn't wear one, all of which likely revolve around small children.
He may be afraid of impending charges of indecent exposure due to all the 'accidental' flashing that accompanies kilt wearing. Or perhaps his cheeks are sore from all the slaps from the furious mothers of the blinded children. Then again, he might just be a little apprehensive about showing his prosthetic leg in public. But I'm just speculating now.
He may not be outwardly displaying his patriotism, but when the sun sets he could be sneaking off to his private thistle garden for a nice evening with some Scotch and some Scotty on the SciFi Channel. If he's not too shnockered, maybe he'll indulge in a wee bit of Haggis too, while Mr. Scott tries to explain to Kirk, for the fiftieth time, that he “canna do it”.
He may be so worried about wearing a kilt that he has decided to honour his homeland in another very fun way.
After the long night of drinking and purging the Enterprise's warp drive, he might stumble into bed, where your friend awaits, and teach her how to play his bagpipes. If you don’t squeeze them just right, he’ll be letting out one heck of a wail.
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
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My friend just got engaged to a Scotsman. He's a great guy, but he doesn't wear kilts. Any insight as to why he does not embrace his heritage? I'm not sure what to tell her because I'm excited for her, but truly disappointed in his lack of patriotism. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Concerned friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
I'm very happy for your friend and her forthcoming marriage. I hope it's long and full of love and meat. The edible kind. You know? Like, sausages?
This is going downhill fast.
A few years ago, a friend of mine was married wearing his kilt and all the guests were impressed that he was truly bare down there. He was so bare, he could've shot a baby commercial the same day. I don't think his parents were too happy about it though, since he's Jamaican. That was an unusual day.
This Scotsman marrying your friend might not be wearing a kilt on the outside, but deep down inside, he still may love his wee country. You seem to be truly concerned about the kilt business, and there could be a number of reasons he doesn't wear one, all of which likely revolve around small children.
He may be afraid of impending charges of indecent exposure due to all the 'accidental' flashing that accompanies kilt wearing. Or perhaps his cheeks are sore from all the slaps from the furious mothers of the blinded children. Then again, he might just be a little apprehensive about showing his prosthetic leg in public. But I'm just speculating now.
He may not be outwardly displaying his patriotism, but when the sun sets he could be sneaking off to his private thistle garden for a nice evening with some Scotch and some Scotty on the SciFi Channel. If he's not too shnockered, maybe he'll indulge in a wee bit of Haggis too, while Mr. Scott tries to explain to Kirk, for the fiftieth time, that he “canna do it”.
He may be so worried about wearing a kilt that he has decided to honour his homeland in another very fun way.
After the long night of drinking and purging the Enterprise's warp drive, he might stumble into bed, where your friend awaits, and teach her how to play his bagpipes. If you don’t squeeze them just right, he’ll be letting out one heck of a wail.
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
Feel free to write your own caber toss joke in comments! But send a question to Useless Advice From Useless Men first. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 50% Scotch, 50% Whiskey. Click here.
Advice given at
11:18 AM
7 Comments:
Squeezing & Blowing ye ol' "Bagpipe" properly is certainly a lost art!
By
velvetginger, at 1:45 PM
Useless Wonder, you covered it all today!
..
By
Jim, at 3:58 PM
so that is why Joe screams like a girl...there should be manuals out there.
By
Chana, at 5:48 PM
I like squeezin' the old bag's pipes. Only way to shut her up.
By
salesman bill, at 6:43 PM
no undies under the kilt?
i thought that was a myth...
if you are a young guy, then going "commando" is cool!
as you get older, ewwwww...throw a jock strap on it!
By
M, at 1:30 AM
Hmmm bagpipes. My post is in harmony with yours in a phallic way.
By
C, at 1:39 AM
"Concerned friend" doesn't really care about him embracing his heritage. She just wants a peek.
By
Miss Cellania, at 2:41 PM
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