QUESTION # 382: GIVING OUR FANS A COLD SHOWER

Dear Useless Men,

I have recently become aware of your site. I thoroughly enjoy it and have posted comments. I am under the guise of this email address to admit that I have a major crush on your arbitrary nature and would probably find you irresistible if ever I was to meet you in person. Have you ever met your readers and what advice do you have for my desire to meet you?

Mysterious

Dear Mysterious,

I can only give you the same advice I get when I desire something irresistibly, “Take a cold shower.”

Cold showers are great ways to improve circulation, or reduce circulation, depending on whom you ask. It’s one of those miracle situations that have little to do with the actual result, but more to do with brushing you off with a rhetorical catch all answer.

We have never met our readers, but that statement creates more mystery than clarity. Why haven’t we met our readers? Is it because we don’t go out? Or is it that we don’t actually have readers?

Or, when readers meet us, do they clam up and realize the mistake they made and quickly change subjects? Or do they just stare at us through the Tim Horton’s window as we scarf down our third honey crueller, instead of coming in to meet us at some pre-arranged time.

For a while, we would visit our readers in an effort to say thank you. While visiting their blogs and leaving comments is appreciated, visiting their homes and taking pictures through the windows was not.

Typically, Useless Men can be found everywhere. We appeared at the One Red Paperclip house in Kipling, Saskatchewan to take in Saskatchewan’s Biggest House Warming Party Ever. We can be found in our Delorean at car shows across Ontario. Mostly, we can be found listening to the live musical grooves of the mostly talented, less useless musician and friend to Useless Men, Mike Evin.

But if that’s not enough of a clue, just ask us. We’d be happy to oblige with an 8X10-autographed photo of a few of us. It’s the least we can do for our biggest fans.

Actually, that’s the most we can do for our biggest fans, based on the court order.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


Send a question to Useless Advice from Useless Men by clicking here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.