QUESTION # 383: MORAL CAKE

Dear Useless Men,

I am still sleeping with my ex-boyfriend. I have a current boyfriend, and my ex has a girlfriend. We have no intention of ever being together, but the sex is amazing, and we can't/won't stop. My question is this: Is this morally wrong? Because neither of us feel bad about it.

-Lil Devil

Dear Lil Devil,

Yes! Yes it is! This is morally wrong on many levels. Especially since my ex-girlfriend will have nothing to do with me.

However, I am not here to judge, but to advise. Being the resident sex expert, I'll wait until stop giggling.... ahem ....

As I was saying, being the resident sex exp.... oh c'mon people grow up!

Let me subject you to a "hypothetical" situation: There was a man, let's call him One Brother who is Not Useful, who had a very nice relationship with a girl, let's call her Righty Palmella. Things were good between Not Useful and Righty. They had similar values and hobbies, but enough differences to keep the conversations exciting. They would play throw the ball, they would write together, and often reach for objects at the same time.

It seemed that One Brother who is Not Useful was the dominant in the relationship, but they didn't care what people thought because Righty considered herself Not Useful's right hand man, so to speak.

And yes, the sex was good.

One day, Righty injured herself. She had broken her wrist and would be in a cast for at least four weeks. One Brother who is Not Useful was supportive, doing everything he could to make things comfortable for Righty. He even got a helper, let's call her Lefty Handjelina, to assist with more stuff then she was used to. Lefty, who was always close to Righty and One Brother who is Not Useful, was happy to help.

It turned out that Lefty was not as good at certain things as Righty was. All three had been friends for as long as each could remember, and Lefty, who dated Not Useful years ago when things never progressed beyond heavy petting, was happy that Righty and One Brother who is Not Useful got together. Things were never awkward. That is until about one week after Righty was injured.

Righty was resting. One Brother who is Not Useful and Lefty were playing on the computer. It was innocent at first but they stumbled across certain unmentionable photos and videos and what was playful joking ended in unbridled and passionate lovemaking. It was a sexual experience neither had ever experienced before.

One Brother who is Not Useful had no idea sex could be so mind-blowing. While he loved Righty a lot, he could not deny the passion he had with Lefty. He and Lefty spent a lot of time making love while Righty recovered. She never suspected anything either, even after she made a full recovery. One Brother and Lefty continued their tryst. Some days, One Brother who is Not Useful would make love with Righty, only to make love with Lefty half an hour later. It was getting ridiculous. While Righty and Lefty began to grow excessive hair, it wasn't until One Brother who is Not Useful went blind that they realized this was morally wrong.

As you and your ex-boyfriend continue your little affair, just remember, you can have your cake and eat it to, but don't bite the hand that feeds you or you might get a fork-full of cake in the eye.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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