QUESTION # 385: THANKFULLY DIFFERENT

Dear Useless Men,

What is the difference between the Canadian Thanksgiving and the American Thanksgiving? Why are you not thankful on the same day?

Sincerely,
Turkey Timmer

Dear Turkey Trimmer,

What a timely questions to ask. Thank you so very much.

The difference between the Canadian Thanksgiving and the American Thanksgiving comes down to one thing. Canada and the U.S.A. are different countries. Henceforth and hitherto, Canadians tend to celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada, while Americans tend to celebrate Thanksgiving in the U.S.A.

As for your other question, "Why are you not thankful on the same day?", it comes down to food. And Indians. And Pilgrims in the U.S.A. And happier people in Canada.

When the first people from Europe discovered America, in 1492 or something, they must have helped the Indians to shore. History books don't really talk sensibly about this, but I assume that the Indians were just swimming around in the ocean wishing they could find land to live on when the Europeans spotted them.

Being helpful types, the Europeans took the Indians on board, and then went on to discover America. The Indians were let off the boat first, in case there were scary monsters on the shore I figure. This must be why they claim to be the First Nation to live in America.

The first winter was hard for the Pilgrims. And for the Indians. But the Indians had strong shoulders and legs from all that ocean swimming, and they quickly kicked the crap out of the animals they found. They ended up with lots of food and warm clothes and such.

During the summer, when the Pilgrims thawed out, they spied on the Indians and snuck stuff from them, likely when they were sleeping. By fall the Pilgrims had lots of stuff, too. Now the Pilgrims were thankful. And they all had a big party, which they later named “Thanksgiving”.

Meanwhile in Canada, the Europeans who went there came prepared. They opened up shopping malls and fast food places as soon as they landed. They bought their food from the Indians they had helped to shore.

So everyone was happy.

But as fall approached, the Canadians became jealous of the American Pilgrims and their fancy-schmansy Thanksgiving holiday. The Canadians decided to have one too. They picked an earlier date just to be contrary, as we Canadians tend to be at times, when we aren't being overly polite.

Of course, history books will try to tell you it has something to do with the crops in Canada being harvested earlier than those in the U.S.A.

But whom are you going to believe? Historians who are trying to keep their high paying jobs by making up facts? Or Useless Men who provide you with actual facts, as we see them, for no pay at all?

I think the answer is obvious.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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