QUESTION # 386: WEDDINGS AND WARDROBES

Dear Useless Men,

I was reading a magazine tonight which includes answers to questions, much like your own site does. One reader wrote in to ask what was appropriate to wear to a Fall wedding. So, that's my question for you.

What does a somewhat fashionable Useless Man wear to an Autumn or Winter wedding. Assuming it's not his own wedding.

Signed,
I Only Flash Men in Suits

Dear Overexposed,

Since I have been involved in a few weddings, I can safely provide an answer for this one. The answer will depend on your status in a relationship of your own though.

As a single man, your options are wide open. You can simply choose from what is in your closet. Any comfortable clothing that you like. If you don't intend to leave your table, you could always consider wearing a bib suit. Just make sure you arrive early and leave late.

While your options are tethered to your status in relationships, they are actually in reverse to what you may think. As a single and unattached person you will have the most difficult time selecting an outfit. This is because the outfit will have impact on the outcome of your evening. If you want to pick someone up, you have to decide the type of person you are looking for. If you choose to wear a nice suit, and pretend that you are a doctor, you need to figure out how best to flee the scene the next morning while in a suit. Be sure to ask the tailor for a suit built for running.

At the other extreme, you may just want to go casual. It becomes time to find a nice clean pair of jeans and a shirt. There are always combinations of the two, but in this case you should dig out that tuxedo t-shirt you have stored away for just such an occasion. This is why the tuxedo t-shirt was invented after all.

Assuming you are in a non-married relationship, you are better to dress up a little bit. Your girlfriend/fiance is likely to have gone shopping for a nice new dress for the occasion. If you are a useless gay man, then you shouldn't be reading any of this as you unconsciously, and stereotypically, are fashion savvy.

It's an unwritten law that women cannot attend a wedding in a garment that was previously worn. Must be some kind of wedding superstition or something. To this end, men must make effort to have your outfit and hers match up somehow. If you are wearing a suit, then you are in luck because fish ties come in various species. Is your girl wearing pink? Get a salmon tie. Did she not tell you what colour she's wearing? Get a rainbow trout, that way it matches with anything. The combinations are endless.

If you are a married Useless Man, you have it made. You can walk around the house naked until you wife is all dressed. Whatever you happen to put on first is going to get a "Is that what you're wearing" from her. This will save you hours of aggravation because even though your wife hasn't told you what it is you are wearing, you can rest assured that it has been selected already.

Wives mistakenly think that husbands will eventually learn some fashion sense. Even with our limited fashion skills we can put together a combination that makes even male eyes ache. A nice wide-striped shirt with polka dot tie and mismatched suit jacket and pants will have her hitting the ceiling with frustration. Then the dance begins. You will be told to change that jacket, upon which she will reassess your look. You will then be sent to change your shirt, and so on. She will spend so long getting you ready that she won't be anywhere near ready in time to leave. At this point, you can sit downstairs in front of the TV and holler up the stairs, "Aren't you ready yet? We should have left an hour ago!" She'll love that.

And as a side note, a fall wedding is not an acceptable venue for your hallowe’en costume, or so I've been told. I argued that Dracula was both well dressed, and a huge proponent of love but it was to no avail.

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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