QUESTION # 388: ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI

Dear Useless Men,

My girlfriend has this itsy bitsy, teeny weeny bikini. And yes, it even has yellow polka dots. She is completely hot in it. The problem is she will only wear it to the beach. How can I convince her it's appropriate for a wider variety of occasions?

The Fashion Guy

Dear Fashion Guy,

Assuming that your girlfriend is real, and assuming she does own said item of clothing there are lots of things you can do that will increase the odds of her wearing it more often. Such as:

1) If she only wants to wear it at the beach then move to the beach. It's only expensive if you actually want to live in a beach house.

2) If a beach house is out of the question financially then be creative. Cardboard boxes make good homes. Until high tide, anyways. Old cars can make a great home. If you can get one of the big old cars, you can rent part of it out to save even more money.

3) If you don't want to move then just fill your bed with sand. Sand is cheap. Don't confuse sand with the dirt on your feet though. Girls don't like dirt, but a bed full of sand is just so romantic.

4) Change your wardrobe. She may just feel self-conscious walking around in a bikini when you are fully dressed. Buy one of those male thong bathing suits women love to see us in and wear it all the time. It will help draw a bit of the attention off of her when you are out in public. I’m sure it will help her relax.

5) Give all her clothes to charity. If she asks where her clothes went, just use the typical "Duh, I don't know" response we men are famous for.

The point here is to be creative. Men everywhere want you to succeed.

And we want pictures. So don't email us again with your stories unless you have picture proof to back it up.

Yours sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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