QUESTION # 389: THE CAR OF THE FUTURE
Dear Useless Men
What is the best criteria to consider when buying a new car? How should I decide?
Careful Buyer
Dear Careful Buyer,
When buying a car, you always need to look into the future. You need to consider not what you'll want, but what someone else will want when you've outgrown your car. You'll have to challenge the way you think about vehicles from now on. Consider your new car not as a new car, but as a trade-in. Try to imagine what someone in the future will want in a used car. The more you plan for the future, the more your car will be worth when it comes time to trade it in.
I would strongly suggest a futuristic paint-scheme. In the coming years, fuscia will become a very popular colour. Most people in the future will want a brightly coloured car to combat the overload of silver and beige minivans clogging parking lots everywhere.
Future denizens of earth will have sunglasses surgically implanted onto their faces to protect their eyes from the sun. With permanent sunglasses, they won't be able to see regular dash lights. To accompany the bright paint scheme, look for a model with neon dash lights.
You'll also want the Accident Self-avoidance System, also known as A.S.S., which luckily runs on toast, for obvious reasons. In conjunction with that, look for models with a self-actuating multi-toaster and an external bread-loader. If you run out of toast, you'll crash.
The future is a dangerous place. People will fall asleep at the wheel and crash on a daily basis. The best way to avoid falling asleep is to have barbed wire seats with flaming headrests. People in the future won't buy a car without this safety feature, so be warned if you decide against it.
In the department of communications, cellphones will be a thing of the past, so ask the salesperson for a model with a supersonic pamplemouse phone which blasts phone calls via the radio, through new French Pamplemouse satellites. They're fab. Although, the downside is all your conversations will be auto-translated into le Français.
If you're into luxury, seek out a car with voice command system. Yelling keywords like "nice rack" and "what's that smell?" will clean off your muddy roof-rack before the bellboy loads your pretty luggage on top, and trigger the air deodorizer, respectively.
My favourite is the auto-honk-mimic feature. Need to honk 3 times? Simply yell "honk-honk-honk!" and your horn will mimic you. If you're really mad, just yell "honnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk" for an extended angry honk. If you live in New York, you might want to move.
If you can't find a car with any of these features, at least demand an automatic. Then you'll be able to drive with one arm. Did you say you had one arm?
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
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What is the best criteria to consider when buying a new car? How should I decide?
Careful Buyer
Dear Careful Buyer,
When buying a car, you always need to look into the future. You need to consider not what you'll want, but what someone else will want when you've outgrown your car. You'll have to challenge the way you think about vehicles from now on. Consider your new car not as a new car, but as a trade-in. Try to imagine what someone in the future will want in a used car. The more you plan for the future, the more your car will be worth when it comes time to trade it in.
I would strongly suggest a futuristic paint-scheme. In the coming years, fuscia will become a very popular colour. Most people in the future will want a brightly coloured car to combat the overload of silver and beige minivans clogging parking lots everywhere.
Future denizens of earth will have sunglasses surgically implanted onto their faces to protect their eyes from the sun. With permanent sunglasses, they won't be able to see regular dash lights. To accompany the bright paint scheme, look for a model with neon dash lights.
You'll also want the Accident Self-avoidance System, also known as A.S.S., which luckily runs on toast, for obvious reasons. In conjunction with that, look for models with a self-actuating multi-toaster and an external bread-loader. If you run out of toast, you'll crash.
The future is a dangerous place. People will fall asleep at the wheel and crash on a daily basis. The best way to avoid falling asleep is to have barbed wire seats with flaming headrests. People in the future won't buy a car without this safety feature, so be warned if you decide against it.
In the department of communications, cellphones will be a thing of the past, so ask the salesperson for a model with a supersonic pamplemouse phone which blasts phone calls via the radio, through new French Pamplemouse satellites. They're fab. Although, the downside is all your conversations will be auto-translated into le Français.
If you're into luxury, seek out a car with voice command system. Yelling keywords like "nice rack" and "what's that smell?" will clean off your muddy roof-rack before the bellboy loads your pretty luggage on top, and trigger the air deodorizer, respectively.
My favourite is the auto-honk-mimic feature. Need to honk 3 times? Simply yell "honk-honk-honk!" and your horn will mimic you. If you're really mad, just yell "honnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk" for an extended angry honk. If you live in New York, you might want to move.
If you can't find a car with any of these features, at least demand an automatic. Then you'll be able to drive with one arm. Did you say you had one arm?
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
Need a product review? Send a request to Useless Advice from Useless Men. Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 14% Arms, 1% Brain. Click here.
Advice given at
1:51 AM
6 Comments:
hilarious.. I love how this goes from something seemingly normal to completely off the wall
By
Elle J, at 5:35 PM
If you like "off the wall" then I'm the guy your looking for! Need a car?
By
salesman bill, at 9:41 PM
i stopped reading half way through..."car"..."future trade-in"...blah, blah, blah...
I zone out when I am trying to buy a car as well.
..everything the salesperson says is "whatever,whatever, look at this feature, whatever, whatever..."
By
M, at 10:07 PM
Love it! We are selling our car right now... perhaps we should think about installing these systems now since potential buyers will be demanding them.
By
Cristina, at 3:57 PM
I came to visit this blog after reading a rather interesting post by Chana on Go Forth---I am glad I did as I have now been greatly enlightened!! LOL!
By
Smythe, at 5:53 PM
So what you're saying is, if you run out of toast, you're toast!
By
salesman bill, at 5:47 PM
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