QUESTION # 391: GETTING AN ESCORT
Dear Useless Men,
Every day I'm late for work. 2 minutes late. 10 minutes late. All I want to know is what do I have to do to get a police escort?
Speedy
Dear Speedy,
You've come to the right place. I've received several police escorts in my short life and I would gladly take you on as an apprentice.
The first thing you need to know is that police will only escort you if they really think you need to get to wherever it is you're going. Like when you're pregnant. If you're so dialated that you're propped back in your chair with your knees up and the baby is doing the steering steering, the police will probably give you an escort (once they're done taking pictures to put up on their MySpace accounts with the caption "lol u guys ull never guess what i saw at work 2day").
But the being pregnant angle only works if you have precious moments to spare to stop and explain that you don't rent your womb to an ugly naked midget that drives you places, but that in fact you are with child. And if you're in a big enough hurry, this is, of course, not the case.
With enough practice, though, even the moderately tardy can employ the police when trying to get to work on time. This is how you do it. Get in your car. Start said car. Back out of the driveway at a leisurely pace. Shift car into "Drive”. At this point you might as well drop a brick on the gas pedal because you're not going to let off of it.
This is where amateurs usually make a mistake. When they see the cop following behind them, his lights flashing, they usually pull over. But how does this help you get to work on time? Actually, what the cop is saying is, "This person is in a hurry! Shove off you lot!" Depending on how far you live from your job, he might even bring his buddies in. They'll all get right there with you, flashing their lights, and move the jerks off the road so you can go by!
Sometimes they even get the news in on it, advising motorists not to take your route so that you'll have better chances of clocking in on time.
Just don't listen to those Nosy Nancies that argue that you should leave a few minutes earlier than you do normally. As modern day citizens of the world, we are entitled to our rights to be escorted by the police to our jobs!
Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless
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Every day I'm late for work. 2 minutes late. 10 minutes late. All I want to know is what do I have to do to get a police escort?
Speedy
Dear Speedy,
You've come to the right place. I've received several police escorts in my short life and I would gladly take you on as an apprentice.
The first thing you need to know is that police will only escort you if they really think you need to get to wherever it is you're going. Like when you're pregnant. If you're so dialated that you're propped back in your chair with your knees up and the baby is doing the steering steering, the police will probably give you an escort (once they're done taking pictures to put up on their MySpace accounts with the caption "lol u guys ull never guess what i saw at work 2day").
But the being pregnant angle only works if you have precious moments to spare to stop and explain that you don't rent your womb to an ugly naked midget that drives you places, but that in fact you are with child. And if you're in a big enough hurry, this is, of course, not the case.
With enough practice, though, even the moderately tardy can employ the police when trying to get to work on time. This is how you do it. Get in your car. Start said car. Back out of the driveway at a leisurely pace. Shift car into "Drive”. At this point you might as well drop a brick on the gas pedal because you're not going to let off of it.
This is where amateurs usually make a mistake. When they see the cop following behind them, his lights flashing, they usually pull over. But how does this help you get to work on time? Actually, what the cop is saying is, "This person is in a hurry! Shove off you lot!" Depending on how far you live from your job, he might even bring his buddies in. They'll all get right there with you, flashing their lights, and move the jerks off the road so you can go by!
Sometimes they even get the news in on it, advising motorists not to take your route so that you'll have better chances of clocking in on time.
Just don't listen to those Nosy Nancies that argue that you should leave a few minutes earlier than you do normally. As modern day citizens of the world, we are entitled to our rights to be escorted by the police to our jobs!
Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless
Send a question to Useless Advice from Useless Men by clicking here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.
Advice given at
2:29 AM
6 Comments:
Kind of expensive to travel that way. Eventually, they will get seriously peeved at you and write you a warrant, or something. You might just buy one of those flashing lights at the dollar store (or joke shop) and be your own police escort.
By
Laura, at 10:24 PM
Just to prove your point:
Posted on Aug 27, 2006 - 09:04 AM
Miami: A husband helped his wife deliver the couple's baby after they got stuck in rush hour traffic and then got lost on the way to the hospital.
Bumper-to-bumper traffic delayed Lilliam and Gerardo Miranda's trip to Jackson Memorial Hospital on Wednesday morning. Gerardo Miranda said he was so nervous he made a wrong turn about a mile from the hospital.
"She said, `Stop, stop, stop. There's no more time,'" Gerardo Miranda said.
He pulled their Chevrolet Cavalier over near the Orange Bowl while his wife called 911. The dispatcher guided Miranda, telling him to use his shoelaces to tie off the umbilical cord.
About a half hour after the couple left their Kendall home, 7-pound, 5-ounce Fabio was born. The couple's third child was more than a week early.
Both mom and baby were taken to a hospital in good condition.
"This didn't happen with our other children," Lilliam Miranda said.
Yeah? And it wouldn't have happened this time if only you'd gotten a police escort! Perhaps you'd have had more time to pick a less ridiculous name for your baby as well.
By
Cristina, at 11:02 PM
Hey my car's name is Fabio - maybe that automatically entitles me to beautiful treatment by the cops!
By
anonymous jones, at 5:03 AM
Hi there, so-called Useless! Might be Useful as well. Anyway. I am - maybe 100 pounds max - 45 kilos - and have two kids, 2 and 5 years old. Never took anything stronger than the subway to have 10-pounder babies (go figure). A great-looking, uber-polite male escort would have been most welcome as nobody believed that I was actually pregnant. So I stood (instead of a uber-hunky stud) all the way in that damned Montreal subway until birth... okay, this was a therapy session. Maybe I need to see my shrink after all. At the veryvery old age of 35, maybe this is the end of having kids, even less a male escort, so I am just leaving this complaint to be moderated... thanks for this agora I am silently enjoying....
Ann Marie
By
ann marie simard, at 6:16 AM
That's not a bad idea. I too, am perpetually late for work. Would we be able to say we took your advice in court and plead not guilty?
By
Mon, at 1:35 PM
Since you only know the other 3 guys real identities and not mine:
Yes, yes you may.
By
Clark, at 6:41 AM
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