QUESTION # 393: USEFULLY USELESS MARRIAGE ADVICE
Dear Useless Men,
I am a usefully useless female, how can I ever hope to get married or have children?
-Useless Kristie Lee
Dear Kristie Lee,
Hi. How's it going?
You know what? Don't answer that. You'll probably just confuse me. Yes, confuse me like you did when you called yourself "usefully useless". I couldn't figure that one out at all. Does it mean you're useful? Or does it mean you're useless? I was so confused that I even had to ask One Useless Man what he thought. It baffled him so much that he actually got up and went to the bathroom. I presume to think about it. I don't know. He never came back.
I don't know if it was your goal to confuse us so thoroughly, but you succeeded. And as a result, I have six less brain cells to answer your question with. Regardless of that fact, I have six less brain cells to answer your question with.
Allow me to continue. It's surprisingly easy to get married. In some shady areas of town, it’s even easier to get children. You'll just have to throw out all your pre-conceptions of love, and conceptions of children, and just get real.
In order to get married, you simply have to lower your standards. I'm not saying you should exchange vows with the first Harry, Dick, Tom willing to divorce his 3 wives for you, but maybe a trip to Vegas wouldn't hurt. Think, Ross and Rachel. Think, Chandler and Monica. Yes, TV has shown us that Vegas weddings are a reality. Unless of course, Friends wasn't a reality show. But let's face it; everything on TV is reality. But even if it wasn't, it still showed viewers how to have children.
There's the adoption technique, as played out by Monica and Chandler. This is a good method and a perfect backup for when the old-fashioned way fails. But no method is more exciting than the BBB, or, Black-market Baby Buy, which nearly happened to Rachel. In this instance, for a nominal fee, you may purchase a stolen baby from a scoundrel.
Remember, Friends was Reality TV, and, whether you are useless or not, getting married and having children can be a reality for you, too.
Good luck, and can I bring a guest to the wedding?
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
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I am a usefully useless female, how can I ever hope to get married or have children?
-Useless Kristie Lee
Dear Kristie Lee,
Hi. How's it going?
You know what? Don't answer that. You'll probably just confuse me. Yes, confuse me like you did when you called yourself "usefully useless". I couldn't figure that one out at all. Does it mean you're useful? Or does it mean you're useless? I was so confused that I even had to ask One Useless Man what he thought. It baffled him so much that he actually got up and went to the bathroom. I presume to think about it. I don't know. He never came back.
I don't know if it was your goal to confuse us so thoroughly, but you succeeded. And as a result, I have six less brain cells to answer your question with. Regardless of that fact, I have six less brain cells to answer your question with.
Allow me to continue. It's surprisingly easy to get married. In some shady areas of town, it’s even easier to get children. You'll just have to throw out all your pre-conceptions of love, and conceptions of children, and just get real.
In order to get married, you simply have to lower your standards. I'm not saying you should exchange vows with the first Harry, Dick, Tom willing to divorce his 3 wives for you, but maybe a trip to Vegas wouldn't hurt. Think, Ross and Rachel. Think, Chandler and Monica. Yes, TV has shown us that Vegas weddings are a reality. Unless of course, Friends wasn't a reality show. But let's face it; everything on TV is reality. But even if it wasn't, it still showed viewers how to have children.There's the adoption technique, as played out by Monica and Chandler. This is a good method and a perfect backup for when the old-fashioned way fails. But no method is more exciting than the BBB, or, Black-market Baby Buy, which nearly happened to Rachel. In this instance, for a nominal fee, you may purchase a stolen baby from a scoundrel.
Remember, Friends was Reality TV, and, whether you are useless or not, getting married and having children can be a reality for you, too.
Good luck, and can I bring a guest to the wedding?
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
We'll even review movies for you before you see them! Just ask by sending a request to Useless Advice from Useless Men by clicking here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 82% Ross, 18% Rachel. Click here.
Advice given at
9:28 PM
4 Comments:
Hm...do you have a college degree to give out marriage advice?
No? I didn't think so!
Your use of an over-rated TV show is proof of your uselessness.
By
M, at 7:21 PM
My brother says a woman has it easy, she just needs to pick a guy and get married. Of course, he's single and dating a woman he doesn't seem any closer to marrying than he was a year ago. I think it's easier for the men. We still seem to wait for them to ask, even if we do ask them. However, from my first experience with marrying a man, I have learned to ask him and then just drag him back to your cave while you are waiting for him to realize it's already too late and he's doomed to a life of wedded bliss.
By
Laura, at 10:29 PM
If you are usefully useless then become a celebrity and marry Tom Cruise the next time he is available.
By
anonymous jones, at 3:47 AM
Friends was Reality TV? Uhm... ok... Now I gotta watch all episodes all over again with that in the back of my mind... It will probably give the whole series a whole new meaning...
By
DutchBitch, at 9:19 AM
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