QUESTION # 395: MAYHEM AT THE MALL
Dear Useless Men,
I have four very young, very active children. When we visit the mall they bounce around like rabid bunnies who scatter at the first scent of a carnivore. I spend most of my time coralling them into position beside me and hardly get any serious shopping done. Do you have any suggestions on how I can best keep them by my side so that I can shop ... soon before we all run out of underwear and socks?
Signed,
Threadbare and Tired of Chasing
Dear Threadbare,
The first thing you can try is the use of rewards. Many kids respond well to a positive outcome as a result of their behavior. When I was young we had an old man down the road who hated kids running across his lawn. He would sic his dog on us if we ran across his lawn. Our reward for not running there was not getting bit. This was not an easy thing to do, as he was actually crazy and his "lawn" was the local playground, but we did our best and only got nibbled on a little.
If that doesn't work, I suggest you use a long piece of rope. I've heard of this working and have actually seen people try this with larger groups of children. They all walk in a line holding on to the rope. Think chain gang prisoner walks. The benefit of this is that if they begin to stray you can simply lash them together with the same rope. They'll move a lot slower if you tie them all together, especially if you tie them together at the ankles. Unless they can walk really well on their hands as a group, in which case they should only be at the mall if you have them busking for change.
The final suggestion is that you leave them at home. This will work best if you leave them with adult supervision. If you can find the crazy old man from my childhood, he would do very well as the kids would all barricade themselves in their rooms until you got home and shooed the old fellow out.
The uneducated might suggest shopping online, but if they can get into that much trouble in the mall, I can only imagine the horrors they could uncover roaming the internet!
It might be easier to raise them all to go commando after all. Just keep lots of powder handy in the summer time.
Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat
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I have four very young, very active children. When we visit the mall they bounce around like rabid bunnies who scatter at the first scent of a carnivore. I spend most of my time coralling them into position beside me and hardly get any serious shopping done. Do you have any suggestions on how I can best keep them by my side so that I can shop ... soon before we all run out of underwear and socks?
Signed,
Threadbare and Tired of Chasing
Dear Threadbare,
The first thing you can try is the use of rewards. Many kids respond well to a positive outcome as a result of their behavior. When I was young we had an old man down the road who hated kids running across his lawn. He would sic his dog on us if we ran across his lawn. Our reward for not running there was not getting bit. This was not an easy thing to do, as he was actually crazy and his "lawn" was the local playground, but we did our best and only got nibbled on a little.
If that doesn't work, I suggest you use a long piece of rope. I've heard of this working and have actually seen people try this with larger groups of children. They all walk in a line holding on to the rope. Think chain gang prisoner walks. The benefit of this is that if they begin to stray you can simply lash them together with the same rope. They'll move a lot slower if you tie them all together, especially if you tie them together at the ankles. Unless they can walk really well on their hands as a group, in which case they should only be at the mall if you have them busking for change.
The final suggestion is that you leave them at home. This will work best if you leave them with adult supervision. If you can find the crazy old man from my childhood, he would do very well as the kids would all barricade themselves in their rooms until you got home and shooed the old fellow out.The uneducated might suggest shopping online, but if they can get into that much trouble in the mall, I can only imagine the horrors they could uncover roaming the internet!
It might be easier to raise them all to go commando after all. Just keep lots of powder handy in the summer time.
Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat
Send a question to Useless Advice from Useless Men by clicking here. It’s like getting your groceries delivered right to your house.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. All of the confusion of the mall without the parking troubles. Click here.
Advice given at
11:58 AM
7 Comments:
If I had four children, you would never see me at the mall. I would most likely be found curled up in a fetal position in some corner.
By
Miss Cellania, at 3:03 PM
I like the old man idea but then if I was a kid I might just find another house to be in.
By
C, at 12:12 AM
I was the oldest of four kids. We had a lot of fun together. As the oldest I was the designated babysitter. I started when I was 4 and my brother was 3. Train your oldest child to be a babysitter/ errand runner. It worked for my Mother.
By
Laura, at 12:59 AM
Is it too late to suggest birth control?
By
M, at 1:25 AM
http://www.bananaguard-uk.com/
Not relevant to this post. I just know the Useless Men will appreciate a banana guard. Who else could really come up with a way to use something like this?
By
Laura, at 3:39 AM
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat is perfectly right: you must tie them together. But you also must blinker them, gag them, handcuff them and install hazard lights.
By
anonymous jones, at 5:38 AM
Useless but oh so funny.
By
Jay, at 10:26 AM
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