QUESTION # 397: BEN WA HAS BALLS

Dear Useless Men,

My husband complains that I never want to have sex (with him) any more. He bought me sex toys, lingerie and even chocolates and flowers.

He suggested new things in bed we could try. He arranged a night out for just us. He asked if I would feel more in the mood if we took off for a weekend without any kids, pets or family of any kind, just the two of us.

This is all nice but how do I tell him it's not me - it's him. You see the problem is that I am not attraced to him since he apparantly lost the ability to wipe his butt. Seeing dried poop on his balls turned me off having sex with him. Wiping his mess off the toilet seat each morning and evening has made me not want to even look at him.

Cleaning his poopy underwear and watching him scratch himself before bed has made me feel sick at the idea of him touching me intimately, anywhere.

He complains that I have stopped shaving my legs and now I'm not very attractive. I laugh but I don't say anything (or even laugh out loud). Sometimes I miss sex and I think about having an affair with a man who can wipe his butt, brush his teeth and spend enough time in the shower to come out smelling nice, with clean fingernails. But, I'm just not the affair-having type.

What advice do you have for me?

Signed,
Mrs. Browned Out

Dear Mrs. Browned Out

Is that a joint last name? Shouldn't it be hyphenated? Doesn't matter, I'm not here to edit your grammar.

As the resident sex expert, (I know, it’s still hard to believe), my first impression from reading your email is that you're afraid of change. Your husband is crying out for attention. He's going so far as to think of you as well, which is not common in the male species. Perhaps he's aware that your sex life has gotten a little routine, but instead of looking elsewhere, he's committed to rekindling the spark that started this life long relationship. I know of no other man who has bought Ben Wa balls, let alone use them first, before introducing them to his partner. That is devotion.

It should be noted that men are not hygienic. Our sense of cleanliness is non-existent. Just take a look at a man's garage or workshop. If he’s a real man, it's filthy. The tools are covered in grease and bits of sandwiches. These are men’s toys and they are dirty.

Therefore, in my opinion, it should be your responsibility, as his wife, to emphasize cleanliness, especially when it comes to sex toys. Like children, men need to be reminded of this. I can't emphasize enough the importance of keeping sex toys clean. Ben Wa balls are meant for pleasure; therefore, are seen as a toy to men and not cleaned appropriately. It is your duty to let him know that he must clean the sex toys properly for his own sake and yours.

Now, to get back to my original point, you should not let dirty balls destroy your marriage. I think you are using these "poopy” balls as an excuse to hide your fear of change. If the Ben Wa balls make you nervous, then don't use them on yourself. But don't completely rule out anything "kinky". There is still a taboo on certain sexual activities and once you realize that there is nothing wrong with spicing up a relationship as things get stale, you'll realize you can have a very exciting and active sex life. Just start slow and communicate. Be honest.

We don't blame you husband for being ignorant. We should applaud him for being open, for crying out loud! The man used Ben Wa balls… on himself!

That makes him a bigger man than I. A bigger man than I. Good show, ole' chum.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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