QUESTION # 398: MORE EXPERT WILDLIFE ANSWERS

Dear Useless Men,

Could you please help resolve an argument between me and a friend. Who would be favourite to win a fight in 15' x 15' cage- an average sized man with no weapons training with an average handgun and 1 bullet, or an average sized fully-grown crocodile?

Thanks,
Mark

Dear Mark,

Who would win? Well, that all depends on the nature of the fight. Let’s imagine:

Man: Look, I'm sorry, calm down . . . don't eat me.

Crocodile: Eat you? I can hardly look at you right now. My mother was right about you.

Man: Baby I'm sorry for what I did. But you know she didn't mean anything to me.

Crocodile: Didn't mean anything!? She was a panda, Mark. I knew when we got together you preferred Asian women, but I never thought you would . . . ugh, I can't even bring myself to say it.

Man: What? You want me to apologize for being me? I can't do that, Rebecca. I am who I am! You know I love you and that'll never change!

Crocodile: Quit yelling! I'm supposed to be the one yelling! But maybe I shouldn't, or you might go running back to her like last time we fought.

Man: C'mon now, that's uncalled for. Besides, the exhibit was only in town for a week.

Crocodile: Oh! What a shame for you then!

Man: Now, honey, that's not what I mea--

Crocodile: Forget it, Mark! Shoot me. Just shoot me now! It'd be less painful.

Man: You're talking crazy, Rebecca. Just calm down. The bullet would merely lodge in your thick scaly hide anyway.

Crocodile: So now I'm just thick and scaly?! Is that all? I used to be exotic! I used to be voluptuous! I might be a crocodile, but you're a pig!

Man: There's no arguing with you. I just can't win!

And there you have it. The gun never even got to come into play!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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