QUESTION # 399: PARENT ATM
Dear Useless Men,
When my son was younger I explained to him that I would become stupid when he entered his teenage years. He didn't believe me, but now he is sixteen and my IQ has apparently shriveled to that of a sea anemone. I am only useful when I'm providing car keys and spending money. What
should I do?
A Dumb Parent
Dear Dumb Parent,
For starters, don't have any more children. You can have yourself "fixed" in a Hospital if you like, although veterinarians charge a lot less for the same procedure. And they often give you treats if you don't make a fuss. They pat your head and rub your tummy. You don't get any of those perks in a Hospital.
If it will make you feel any better, there is also the old wives tale about kids realizing how smart you really are when they become adults, although recent scientific data would suggest it has more to do with them becoming stupid as they age rather than you actually becoming smarter again.
But, if it makes you feel better, then what the heck! We all like to dream now and then.
Giving teenagers car keys and money has always been a tradition for parents. In fact, just recently, archaeologists, (digging guys for you laymen), uncovered fossil evidence that clearly shows a dinosaur passing keys and cash to a smaller dinosaur who looks impatient and annoyed. You are in good company.
IQ tests were only invented to make smart people feel smart. Otherwise they were just nerds who couldn't play sports or get dates, which you obviously weren't, because you had a child that grew up to be a teenager.
So, relish the past. And I don't mean put relish on the past. I mean enjoy what you had in the past. Which was popularity, and possibly some athletic ability. And no pocket protector like the nerds wore.
As for the future, just do what all of us with children do. Dread it, and all it has to offer. Which is not much. Other than a chance at a room in a Nursing Home or Kennel where you will live out your twilight years with others who really aren't any smarter than you.
Hope that cheered you up.
Sincerely,
Another Useless Man
Why does Bob Barker care so much about my pets sex life? Submit this, or your own question, to Useless Advice from Useless Men by clicking here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 76% Fertile, 24% Fixed. Click here.
When my son was younger I explained to him that I would become stupid when he entered his teenage years. He didn't believe me, but now he is sixteen and my IQ has apparently shriveled to that of a sea anemone. I am only useful when I'm providing car keys and spending money. What
should I do?
A Dumb Parent
Dear Dumb Parent,
For starters, don't have any more children. You can have yourself "fixed" in a Hospital if you like, although veterinarians charge a lot less for the same procedure. And they often give you treats if you don't make a fuss. They pat your head and rub your tummy. You don't get any of those perks in a Hospital.
If it will make you feel any better, there is also the old wives tale about kids realizing how smart you really are when they become adults, although recent scientific data would suggest it has more to do with them becoming stupid as they age rather than you actually becoming smarter again.
But, if it makes you feel better, then what the heck! We all like to dream now and then.
Giving teenagers car keys and money has always been a tradition for parents. In fact, just recently, archaeologists, (digging guys for you laymen), uncovered fossil evidence that clearly shows a dinosaur passing keys and cash to a smaller dinosaur who looks impatient and annoyed. You are in good company. IQ tests were only invented to make smart people feel smart. Otherwise they were just nerds who couldn't play sports or get dates, which you obviously weren't, because you had a child that grew up to be a teenager.
So, relish the past. And I don't mean put relish on the past. I mean enjoy what you had in the past. Which was popularity, and possibly some athletic ability. And no pocket protector like the nerds wore.
As for the future, just do what all of us with children do. Dread it, and all it has to offer. Which is not much. Other than a chance at a room in a Nursing Home or Kennel where you will live out your twilight years with others who really aren't any smarter than you.
Hope that cheered you up.
Sincerely,
Another Useless Man
Why does Bob Barker care so much about my pets sex life? Submit this, or your own question, to Useless Advice from Useless Men by clicking here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. 76% Fertile, 24% Fixed. Click here.
Advice given at
3:50 PM
5 Comments:
Hm....well, at least your kid is asking *you* for keys to the car and money.
He or she could be hot wiring other people's rides and selling their bodies for cash.
So, be happy your kids have such a loving parent!
By
m, at 10:50 PM
The way you put IQ tests are invented to make the smart ones smart, else they'll be a nerd, is really good :P .
By
that frolicsome kid, at 5:24 AM
LOL! Thanks, I really enjoyed that!
And you're right -- I've been to a hospital and no one rubbed my tummy.
Andrew ("To Love, Honor and Dismay")
By
Andrew, at 12:59 PM
Dumb parent has two options. One: blackmail (you really are dumb if you are handing over those keys and that cash FOR NOTHING) and two: revenge (start plotting it now; it will probably take you a while; get a sea anemone to help).
By
anonymous jones, at 3:13 AM
Fake alziemers (I know I didn't spell it right) and lose the car keys, house keys and misplace your wallet including credit and debit cards. Soon your teenagers will be doing all they can to help you feel smarter, or at least develop a better memory.
By
Laura, at 5:34 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home