QUESTION # 423: GET RICH QUICK

Dear Useless Men,

Which of Millionaire Richard Quick, Esq.'s 101+ ways to Get Rich Quick! will get the average person 1) Richest, 2) Quickest, and 3) Rich Quickest?

Thank you.

Richard

Dear Richard,

I’ve never met a billionaire before, but I may have a few friends in the million range. I suspect that if I took the entire value of all my friends collectively without depreciation or taxes or pending alimony and bail bonds, then perhaps we could be considered a billionaire, as a collective group. Sort of a Billionaire Senate, but I think that title is already taken by the US Senate. I’m not sure about American politics though…

I reviewed your list of 101+ ways to Get Rich Quick!, and I was surprised to find many useful areas of quick richness.

But let’s be honest Richard… Can I call you Richard? I promise I won’t call you Dick. Dick Quick would assure a boy many beatings in grade school, and likely a lot of dateless nights. Boy, are my thoughts wandering today…

Anyway, let’s be honest Rich. Your 101 ways to Get Rich Quick really have nothing to do with getting rich quickly. It’s a trick, which your subtle use of Capital Letters reveals. The question is really, which of the ways listed will help the valued reader get YOU, RICH QUICK.

And really, I think the best way to get you, Rich Quick, is by subscribing to your free newsletter. Each time that electronic love fumbles through my spam filter, I’ll be able to say, “Yup, just got Rich Quick today.”

So to answer your theoretical questions, your mystery, your enigma wrapped in a taco, here is my official useless answer.

The "richest" way to get your list is with an IBM BlueGene supercomputer. “IBM sells a single 1,024 processor BlueGene rack for approximately $2,000,000. The BlueGene/L supercomputer was built by IBM for the DoE along with the ASCI Purple supercomputer that benchmarks at 63.39 TFlop/s as part of a $290,000,000 contract.” The site goes on to mention that the supercomputer will be used for nuclear weapons simulations, but failed to mention if it also included Q-Bert.

The "quickest" way to get Rich Quick is to improve my internet connection. Shaw Cable recently announced the introduction of Canada’s fastest internet, boasting 25Mbps. I don’t know what Mbps is, but it has to do with computer speeds, and 25 apparently is very fast. The fastest in Canada, actually.

Finally, the best way to get Rich Quickest is through love. Showing some compassion to a man that worries if his friends like him or his money, is one sure way to get Rich Quickest. Look at that guy that found true love with Anna Nicole Smith? She still claims her devotion for that wildly rich man.

And isn’t that all we can ask for? To be loved... by a former Playmate...

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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