QUESTION # 296: TOURNAMENT TRANSMISSION TRAINING

Dear Useless Men,

What is it with men and sports? Right now there is some kind of a ice hockey tournament somewhere, and the hubby is glued to his chair by the TV. I can understand watching your country's team play, and I've been known to watch them myself. But can you tell me why it is necessary to watch Belarus vs. Ukraine? What fun is it to watch two former USSR members play against each other?

Not a Sports Fan

Dear Sports Fan,

While the watching of the tournament is a mystery to you, there is a definite reason for his zeal. From my experience there are two possible reasons for this.

The first of which has to do with the gathering of intelligence. Your husband is likely watching all other teams as well so that he can analyze their patterns and strategies. These will be boiled down into a strategy that will allow his team to win the big game and take home the championship. I know what you're thinking, "But he doesn't even talk to the team." Take heart, as every sports watching male knows that the television is also a transmitting device. What is not known by many is that in order to send information through the television you have to yell really loud as the connection is pretty bad, as with any emerging technology.

The vibrations from your voice cause the glass in the screen to vibrate, much like an eardrum, and transmit the signal back through the system and to the transmission's origin. This signal is decoded and handed to the relevant person. This is why men watching sports will yell at the players as they make errors or overlook the position of their opponents.

The screaming and emotion is not because they are losing their minds, nor is it due to their delusions that they think that they could have won a medal if it hadn't been for that broken ankle back in high school. The delusions of grandeur that you see are not delusions at all, but rather a community based coaching strategy that is not widely advertised. If everyone knew of this, they would attempt to sabotage it by yelling and screaming incoherent gibberish at the screen. This is the main reason that when you see any game at a bar you will hear the men screaming and yelling in unison, so they can overcome the noise.

It is also a distinct possibility that my second theory is accurate as well. If your hubby hasn't been initiated into the previous cadre of coaching, then he is likely defending himself from your burning desire to watch more network brain pabulum. His mind has had its fill of Desperate Housewives and can't take any more of the incessant chatter that makes up the Gilmore Girls scripts.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 295: GROIN PULL

Dear Useless Men,

I desperately need to cure my softball related groin injury before this weekend; what can I do?

I've tried everything from ointments to exercises to massages (with a happy ending); but the ultimate ending wasn't happy enough ... help!

Thanks in advance.

Best regards,
Hobbled

Dear Hobbled,

It's nice to hear from a fellow Groin Puller! It's a dying sport. I've been Pulling Groin since I was 12 and got quite good at it. However, I never really had the drive to go professional and now I just Pull Groin once a week if I'm lucky.

My first piece of advice would be to stop playing other games or sports that could potentially ruin your Groin Pulling career. That may be harsh, but if you really want to make it as a Groin Puller, you've got to make sacrifices. Stick to extra curricular activities like chess, checkers, softball for PS2, or Scrabble, the spinning board version to avoid unnecessary reaching.

There is no real cure for a groin injury. It has to run its course. That's why the best cure is preventative. Avoid activities like real softball, writing your name in snow, twister and especially any fancy sex positions. Just put the Kama Sutra away until you retire from Groin Pulling... remember, sacrifices.

For now, get rest and stay off your feet. Avoid coffee and beer to keep urination to a minimum until you’re feeling yourself again. When you're ready, practice every day. And don't forget to stretch properly!

Continue with the massages and ointments. Have you given thought to massages with ointments? Try it. You'll be surprised by the results. What about receiving massages from other people? Professional massages are great in that you can just lay back and relax and let your mind focus on game plans and strategies. Most Medical benefits packages will cover upwards of about $500.00 towards professional massages. Keep that in mind.

With that in mind, stay hard and fast. There may be no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in Groin and that's really what it's all about.

Good Luck. I'll be pullin' for you!

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 294: SPORTS APPEAL

Dear Useless Men,

I have asked all the useful people I know so now it is down to you, please answer my question. What is the deal with men and sports on TV? Guys can watch literally hours of cars driving in circles, balls flying into gloves and even, during particularly dry spells, cards being shuffled and handed out at random, all with the same rapt attention. Live sports I understand, the adrenaline rush, the crowds, the salty, slightly gooey popcorn, it delivers a certain amount of fun, but canned sports with weird announcers giving all kinds of information you were never really interested in knowing, such as the sports hero’s breakfast cereal, I don't understand the appeal.

Please, oh useless men, give us all an insight into the mind of mankind, women will be forever grateful!

Signed,
Stumped by Sports

Dear Stumped by Sports,

I’m interrupting the Conference Finals for the Stanley Cup playoffs for this? It’s ok. Canada is being represented. Go Oilers!

Your question is one of those issues that I often hear. It’s a case of women over thinking the situation. Women consider the act of watching sports on TV to be an active participatory event that men must do.

I’m going to share something with you. It’s not what we’re watching that’s important. It’s what we’re NOT watching that is important. If I can get out of watching The O.C. by watching cars spin around a track for three hours, I’ll do it. It can’t be any more mind numbing than the twisted love triangle of Marissa and What’s-His-Name. At least the funny kid is tolerable. Even so, if given the choice between watching the creation of Chrismaka, or a sixteen-car pileup with flames and flying debris, I’m going with flying flaming debris.

As for the announcers, they simply feed men with exactly the kind of information that we want. We WANT useless information. Really. It’s what we know. It’s what we’re good at. It’s what we are genetically made up of. It’s what we understand.

What I don’t understand is Oprah. What is that all about? What do I learn from her? What did she eat for breakfast? I was trapped into watching her Gala something or other, and while it is a nice gesture, all I could see was a tremendously rich woman inviting a lot of other incredibly rich women over for a private lunch and photo session. I know that Sidney Crosby enjoys spaghetti as his pre-game meal. Oprah fans know about her dessert selections for her and her friends.

We’re really no different, you and I. I’d rather BE at a hockey game. You’d rather be Oprah. I understand. But sometimes it’s just better to be able to sit back with a cold soda and enjoy watching a Hurricane hit in Buffalo.

As an added benefit, it doesn’t hurt that while I’m immersed in the sub-context of a game of hockey, baseball, football, poker, or the WFDF Ultimate Club Championship, I also don’t have to get in touch with my feelings.

Unless someone gets a good hit in the groin. Then I’m feeling for him.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 293: HOT OR SMART?

Dear Useless Men,

I have a question,

Is it better to be really really hot, but lacking in other areas, or really really smart? Hot gets you laid, smart gets you everything else.. so really, it's hard to choose.

Hot or Smart Girl

Dear Hot or Smart Girl,

If attaining 'true happiness' is the way to determine which is better, and assuming the two characteristics are mutually exclusive, there are four possible outcomes:

HOT
Hot and satisfied with hotness (positive happiness)
Hot and wishes she was smart (negative happiness)

SMART
Smart and satisfied with smartness (positive happiness)
Smart and wishes she was hot (negativehappiness)

However, we must look at this realistically.

The smart one is the only one capable of abstract thought; the hot one is too busy looking at the birdies. Pretty birdies. As reality television has shown us, the dumbest people are often the most vocal about the few thoughts they do have; the thinking being, possibly, that they must fill the void left by their lack of cognitive faculties with sheer volume. This process more often than not backfires, convincing said 'dumb person' of the validity of their own thoughts rather than anyone else, and the end result is that the idiot thinks that he, or in this case she, is actually smarter.

So we must assume that the outcomes are actually:

HOT
Hot and satisfied with hotness (positive happiness)
Hot and still satisfied because she believes she's smart (positive happiness)

SMART
Smart and satisfied with smartness (positive happiness)
Smart and wishes she was hot (negative happiness)

It looks like hot has a slight upper hand, with both outcomes leading to positive happiness. But with further probing we discover that anyone possessing real intelligence knows how little they really know; therefore, one cannot be said to be smart and satisfied with one's smartness because true intelligence disallows such a paradox. Thus, the final list of outcomes is as follows:

HOT
Hot and satisfied with hotness (positive happiness)
Hot and still satisfied because she believes she's smart (positive happiness)

SMART
Smart and dissatisfied with smartness (negative happiness)
Smart and wishes she was hot (negative happiness)

The evidence supports the conclusion that it is indeed better to be hot rather than smart.

Mothers, forward this on to your daughters.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 292: CRUISE WITH THE CRAZIES

Dear Useless Men,

Do you think Tom Cruise is an alien? He sure has been acting strangely. No human would ever even think of eating the placenta!

Top Gun

Dear Top Gun,

Don't be so quick to judge what people will and won't eat. As an example, I can't fathom why someone would eat the polymer enhanced "meat" that lives inside a Big Mac, but One Useless Man will consume as many as his wallet can bear. I'm a little pickier but understand that people will eat all manner of things. During the Second World War, people ate whatever they had to in order to stay alive. These days we are lucky to have a somewhat broader menu at our disposal. With these choices comes the type of person who likes to colour outside the lines a little bit. These extreme gourmands will eat things no other person would think of eating, like many spouses' attempts at cooking, or even Taco Bell.

I think this is just Tom's way of trying to secure a solid financial footing for his newborn child, as he will certainly freak people out enough to not go and see his mediocre movies anymore. He's going to need more money to build his spaceship, or whatever else occurs to him next, so the dwindling income stream will have to be replaced with something. The way I see it, there will be a toss up between two possibilities:

Possibility #1 - Tom’s Diner. Or, if that popular title is taken, Tom's Placenta Cooking Show. He will have regular guests like Emeril Lagasse and Paul Prudhomme to show us how to liven up that boring old placenta day after day. After all, variety is supposed to be the spice of life right?

Possibility #2 - Tom will use video of his placenta eating exploits as an audition tape for Fear Factor. Not only is Fear not a Factor for Tom, but, apparently, neither is common sense. He'll be a natural for whatever ludicrous stunts they wish to put him through.

What I do give him credit for is the fact that he waits for a movie of his to be premiering before he unloads one of his "gems". This way many people will simply brush off his strangeness as a simple publicity stunt. He could tear a person's throat out on live television and people would simply say, "Oh, there goes Tom again…What’s he promoting now?"

We should really be taking a stand against him before his power grows. Before we know it, the population will have been overtaken by Tom and his minions. Imagine this Tominion scenario: Movie theatres only feature formulaic, dreadful science fiction and overblown action movies. With our mind numbed to the world around us by endless TC movies, we'll be steeped in his ideas.

Soon, we'll all end up eating at TC branded restaurants, oblivious to the reality of the ingredients. Until some poor soul bucks the system and kicks in the doors to a restaurant, screaming, "It's placenta! Soylent Tom is made out of placenta. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!" Maybe then we'll catch on. Either way, it’s a risky business.

It isn't pretty, but it's inevitable if we don't act now!

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 291: BLOG OF THE WEEK

Dear Useless Men,

The women of MomsWhoThink.com voted your blog as the blog of the week. You are featured on our home page. We loved your blog....funny stuff! It actually makes you not useless!

Judy, Owner
MomsWhoThink.com, LLC

Dear Judy,

Blog of the week? That’s seven times better than Site of the Day!

Which got me to thinking, which was ironic, since I’m not a Mom. What would it take to be blog of the month? Or even, dare I dream, blog of the year? How useful would we have to be to get blog of the year?

Is there a prize? Cash prizes work best. Paid in cash, of course. Although that may be difficult since you are recommended not to send cash through the mail. Why is that? Is my postman not bondable? Is he not trustworthy? At what point in the mailing chain do the undesirables inspect my packages with the intent to loot anything of value?

Did my Mom nominate us? She recently discovered the blog. Actually, she discovered a newspaper article about this blog, and it’s hard to cover that up. I couldn’t even lie. There was a picture.

I’m sure my Mom is a Mom that thinks. As a teen, if I did something stupid, she would give me a good swat. Then she would go away and think about what I did, which would prompt her to come back and swat me again. She was a very good thinker, until I got taller than her. Then she had to think from the second or third stair.

Since I still have my Mom’s Mother’s Day card sitting on the seat of my car, I’ll consider this the perfect guilt trip, the best gift a Mother could give.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 290: QUIT SMOKING WITHOUT COMPLAINING

Dear Useless Men,

I am trying to quit smoking and have joined an quit smoking help site on the internet. It really bugs me though, because a lot of the people who post to this site just whine and whine. Like we don't all have problems! I'm tired of hearing about their feelings as if they are the only ones with feelings!

What should I do?

Trying to be smoke free!

Dear Trying to be smoke free,

Congratulations on trying to quit smoking. All the best to you in your quest. You can do it, and all that other inspirational stuff…

I can certainly understand what you mean by the whining getting on your nerves. It brought back memories of when I had to go to Anger Management classes. Those people whined all the time.

About petty things.

It just made me feel so mad! It was all about them. Them and their stupid successes with petty things. Sheesh. Who cares?

I was the one suffering. I had to quit swearing at people that bugged me. And quit yelling in lineups. And they expected me to be nice to people every day for crying out loud.

And the worst part was that I had to meet with them every friggin’ week, listen to their boring stories, and pretend to be excited. For crying out loud, they still had a long way to go.

And I had other more important things to do. I had work, and a family, and a house to take care of and meals to prepare. My life is no picnic. No, it's not. It's just all hard and thankless. Mostly it just sucks to be me.

Meanwhile everyone is always pushing my buttons. Cutting me off. Slowing me down. But I never complain about it. I'm such a trooper.

I got away from it by faking being calm. If that hadn't worked I would probably have blown up the stupid building. That would have shut them up...

Anyway, I just can't tolerate whiny people either. As I like to remind them, "Keep your problems to yourself. I've got a lot more than you!!!!"

So, in conclusion, when they start whining, why not leave them a comment like: "That's awful. And I thought all that blood I've been passing was bad. Your problems are much worse."

Hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 289: AN ODE TO USELESS ADVICE

Dear Useless Men,

Hey useless guys--love your advice. So much so that I wrote a poem about it! What do you think?

An Ode to Useless Advice

Five hapless men,
Self-proclaimed of no use.
Write a blog every day,
With advice quite obtuse.

You claim it’s not useful,
The advice you decree.
But is your advice really useless?
I must disagree.

I’ve printed your answers
To wallpaper my den.
A most useful function
For such “useless” men.

My cat’s litterbox is lined
With useless advice.
It absorbs cat pee nicely
For a very low price.

I read to my children
Bedtime stories at night.
I start reading from “useless”
And they’re out like a light.

In my recent trial
For my murder offense
I read from your blog
For my insanity defense.

And don’t fear, useless men—
This will make you feel better.
I used your advice to
Test my new paper shredder.

So you see, useless men,
You are useful. Not less.
From cat pee to shredding
Your advice is priceless!

~Written by an anonymous fan of Useless Advice from Useless Men

Dear Anonymous Fan,

What more can I say? I’d say we’re touched, but people have been saying that for a long time. At least they have to Any More Useless, I’d Be a Cat.

I can only tell you one thing. If and when we ever get a book of Useless Advice published, we want to use this as our foreward.

Some people think poetry is overrated, but I’ll bet they’ve never had an ode written to them. An Ode, I say. Not a Limerick. Not Haiku. An Ode.

It’s not a Sonnet, but it’s good!

Thanks for thinking of us… I think.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 288: OFF ROADING IN DA 'HOOD

Dear Useless Men

My boyfriend wants me to get a piercing in my clit hood. He says that it is all for my enjoyment and that he is only thinking of the pleasure that I will get out of it.

What do you think?

To pierce or not to pierce

Dear Pierce,

What you want to do to your 'hood is your business, and only your business. Just take another hood for example: the Bronx. Those people do what they want to their hoods, and if anyone interferes, there will be trouble.

My ‘hood has potholes all over it and there is a disturbing trend with additional piercings in our streets. The result of which is a tooth-chipping, spine-dislocating ride in my Hyundia. Maybe this is what he is referring to when he wants to increase your pleasure? Maybe he knows you like off-roading and is trying to save you a trip to the country, and the hassle of scraping the mud off of the fenders when you get home. People who own SUV's rarely have the chance to really drive them as they were intended to be driven. There is little in the way of off-roading possibilities in the city, so he is simply trying to give you the chance to enjoy the beefed up suspension and traction by adding some new holes to your hood.

All I can suggest is that you get any holes professionally installed. Any that are done by amateurs, with wear and tear, seem to keep expanding, and soon will be able to swallow up any pleasure seekers. Erosion prevention is key here.

Happy driving!

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 287: TASTY TOY POODLES

Dear Useless Men,

My daughter has dumped her two, yappy, toy poodles on me. Do you know if they are edible? If so, where can I find some recipes? If not, do you know of any plans I could acquire to build a trebuchet capable of flinging said poodles across the valley outside my back yard onto the rail track?

Yours,
Tickersoid the Tired Tyrant.

Dear Tickersoid,

When I was a small child, I used to think that dogs were boys and cats were girls. I didn't know about sex, so it never crossed my pre-pubescent mind what their offspring might be.

One day, in Grade 4, I was talking to a fellow classmate about dogs. He informed me that girl dogs are called bitches. I was so excited to learn this, and upon my return home, wasn't I so lucky as to have a chance to show off my new knowledge? As we sat down to dinner, my sister started talking about dogs. Proudly, I exclaimed that girl dogs are bitches.

I saw gold stars! But not the kind you get on your homework assignments. My mom punched me in the mouth and told me she was ashamed of my filthy language.

"But it's true, Mom! Girls are bitches!" I insisted, crying, and spitting teeth everywhere.

Wow, was that the wrong thing for a 9-year-old kid to say. As my mom threw me into my bedroom, she yelled, "I don't ever want to hear you say that word again." I think I had rabbit for dinner that night. No, wait… Dust bunnies. Slightly different.

Anyway, poodles are probably a lot tastier than dust bunnies and if you're daring enough, you could try this recipe I found at allrecipes.com.

At first, I tried searching for 'Toy Poodle' recipes, but came up blank. I thought maybe 'French Poodle' would work better, but that search failed too. I tried just 'Poodle', and again came up empty-handed.

Then it dawned on me that my searches were far too specific. You don't search for "cow" recipes when you're making something with "beef", right? So, I clued in and decided to broaden my search to the main source of meat. I typed in just plain 'dog' and found this awesome recipe for Sweet Bacon Dogs.

Dog meat seems to be pretty generic. Toy Poodle may be a lower grade of Dog Meat. If you want the best grade of poodle meat, consider French Poodles. So, hang onto this recipe. You never know when somebody is going to dump a couple of tasty French bitches in your lap.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 286: BLOGROLLIN’ WITH MY HOMIES

Dear Useless Men,

The advice on my blog is not only useless, but probably harmful.

Therefore I've added your link to my site. 'Useless Men' is sitting there right underneath 'The Rapture Index'. Woo Hoo!

I think it would be advisable for you to add 'Life Management Skills' to your blogroll for our mutual benefit.

In this way we can ensure that exponentially more useless and/or harmful advice is spread throughout the blogosphere, or Blogistan if you prefer.

Cheers,
The Lifexpert

Dear Lifexpert,

That’s much appreciated! In fact, let’s make a proclamation:

Citizens of Blogistan, lend me your eyes. The Useless Men, of Useless Advice From Useless Men encourage all the loyal, occasional, and random readers, to follow the exceptional lead of Mr. Lifeexpert, who advises you to add us to your blogroll.

Of course, if you are a loyal reader, you’ll know that this site is really rather useless. We know that, too. That’s why even we don’t take our own advice, and therefore won’t be adding anything to our blogroll. Not because I don’t think you’re worth it, Mr Lifexpert. It’s because I’m not HTML-capable (the more politically correct version of HTML-icapped). Let’s not argue about the semantics of this. We both know that labels will only disable us here.

Since a blogroll is not food, I’ll assume that it has to do with this basic Blogger template that we so kindly attached ourselves to. It has undergone minor changes, like the header, which was green previously. We changed it to blue to make the site seem more manly.

And the clock! We added the clock as our anniversary gift to you. Don’t thank us. We really should be thanking you.

What we really need is a new template! A template that could hold a blogroll! But not just any blogroll: a USELESS blogroll. A blogroll with a title like Our Useless Friends, perhaps? And if we were really USELESS, we could post the sites of our friends, but not add any linking codes. I’m HTML-capable enough to do that.

Or we could set some sort of criteria for contributions and have a Useless Foyer of Contributor Fame. One of the Useless Men noticed something like that on Jimbo Big Toe's site, The Daily Fun Word. To implement something like that would require us to actually keep track of who sent in what and when, and from where, and get permissions and so on, and so forth. It just seems like work to me.

Instead I send out this plea. Call it a challenge. Call it a waste of your time. Either way, if you, or your 14-year-old kid, would like to create us a new template, drop us an email and let’s get rolling. Anything with duct tape will get our attention quicker. And put in a place for a blogroll, please.

As long as blog rolling doesn’t make us seem like pimps. I wouldn’t like that. I don’t look good in a full-length fur coat.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 285: HAIRY PITS – THE AFTERMATH

Dear Useless Men,

I took your advice (QUESTION # 270) and burned the mustache comb that my wife uses daily to comb her armpits. In retaliation, she climbed up on the refrigerator and started throwing grapes and soup cans at my head. She's getting really violent and my head is bleeding like Old Faithful. To make matters worse, the family dog can't stop licking my head wound and I'm worried about getting an infection or suffering massive brain damage. Can you help me?

Still alive, but barely,
Mike K

Dear Mike K,

I don't know if I can help you, given your weakened state, but I can try. But first, I must pontificate.

The problem with the world today is that everybody does everything half-assed. Hire a kid to mow your lawn and he'll leave the grass shavings for you to pick up. Order a double-tall non-fat two-pump iced vanilla latté from Starbucks and the jerks in the smock won't stir it. Give a hobo $3.72 and a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a large fries from McDonald's in exchange for him dashing blindfolded through the street, and he waits for traffic to die down before he does it. It's sick, really.

Why can't anybody do anything to the best of their abilities any more? Take your wife for instance. You actually burned the comb she needed to shave her flowing auburn locks of armpit hair. You probably even gave her the nickname "Rapunzel". Talk about mean! Now, here she goes to all the trouble of climbing the fridge and hurling objects at you and she can't even finish the job. Mike, I applaud you for wanting to take care of something your wife can't.

Step 1.
First, are there any steak knives nearby?
If so, take one and insert into own sternum.

Did this work?
[_] Yes - If yes, congratulations! You are now dead!
[_] No - If no, proceed to step 2

Step 2.
You are near the kitchen floor. Can you reach into the cabinet under the sink and retrieve any of the poisonous household cleaning objects?
If so, spray and inhale deeply. (Canadians may skip this question as studies show that the polish Canadians use to keep their igloos shiny is non-toxic)

Did this work?
[_] Yes - If yes, congratulations! You are now dead!
[_] No - If no, proceed to step 3.

Step 3.
At this point you may be at your wits' end. While I do not suggest this final maneuver, desperate times, as the saying goes, call for desperate measures. Look up at your wife. Casually announce, "You're acting like your mother. Do you need a Midol? I only ask because you're overreacting so much I think you're on your period. That might also be what's causing the bloating that makes you look so fat in those pants. Don't know what's causing those bags under your eyes, though. You kind of remind me of a chubbier version of my Aunt Helga; post menopause, of course."

Did this work?
[_] Yes - If yes, congratulations! You are now dead!
[_] No - If no, your secret is safe with me, Mr. Kent.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 284: MIXED MESSAGES

Dear Useless Men,

Hmmm... I'm somewhat baffled by these "mixed messages" I'm receiving. Allow me to explain, IF indeed you were TRULY Useless Man, I would hazard to say that you wouldn't even RESPOND to my e-mail (QUESTION #282).

See? It's quite baffling.

Perhaps this yet another sign?! Of....self respect?!

I don't want to be an alarmist in any way, but I fear that the true nature of your Useless Manhood may...be....dare I say it....IN JEOPARDY?! *EEEEP!*

This information my friend, could be as damaging as the finding of the long lost gospel of Judas.

Perhaps there is some way that you could redeem yourself and honour your titles of Useless Men?

But what?

A Very Concerned Woman,
Nancycle

Dear Nancycle,

Uselessness is a matter of degrees. Just as in math, there are positive numbers, zero, and negative numbers, uselessness can be passive or active.

Imagine the Useless Men were actually useful. This, of course, is for the sake of illustration and is only a theory, not actual fact. In mathematical terms, they would be positive numbers.

If the Useless Men just sat around as inert objects, doing absolutely nothing (passive uselessness), they would be the number zero. Zero doesn't do much of anything, and neither would these passively Useless Men.

Now, we come to our actual Useless Men. Instead of being useful, or doing nothing, they are actively spreading their uselessness around. They are wasting their time, and yours, by spreading their opinions and ideas, which, frankly, no one could have a use for. They are doing you one worse than doing nothing. They are actively seeking out ways to increase the sum total of uselessness in the world. In mathematical terms, they would be negative numbers.

So, in their quest to spread their uselessness, they actually answer e-mails they receive. Believe me, just because they answer your messages doesn't mean you can glean anything useful from their responses. They are just reaffirming their lack of utility with these e-mails. Just because there's a lot of movement and noise from them doesn't mean anything good will come of it; just think about your husband in bed. 'Nuff said.

Sincerely,
The Occasionally Useless Gal :)


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QUESTION # 283: CERAMIC SOULMATE

Dear Useless Men,

I'm a 33 year old Catholic woman and I've been getting a lot of bother from my parents about not being married and having babies yet. See, the problem is I was in this relationship with another woman for about seven years and since then, my dating life has been a total catastrophe. I can't seem to find a man to settle down with. I don't want to settle down with another woman, either.

What should I do?

Voix.

Dear Voix,

I can empathize with your dilemma. Men are immature goofballs who are terrible at synchronized swimming, and spend far too much time bragging about their armpit hair. Women are no better as they spend 72% of their lives in the bathroom, and every single one of them has some sort of eating disorder.

In light of this, I suggest you focus your energies on your soul mate: Chia Head. Its ceramic-y goodness is enhanced by the natural leafy afro that grows atop its head. Its uncanny resemblance to human life will fill your heart with joy. Your mothering needs will be satisfied as you nurture the weird little bean-type plant that grows from Chia Head's orange, kiln-fired surface.

You don't need a man to create this wonderful life, for the seed comes from a paper pouch instead of a man's, er… manhood. A manhood, that while fun, can be kind of messy. But Chia Head's paper pouch is so darn hygienic that it should come with a "no sticky-mess guarantee". And unless you water your Chia Head in bed, or spill a jar of dijon mustard, there's generally no stained bed sheets.

Imagine your parents joy when you introduce Chia Head to them for the first time. A son-in-law and grandchild all rolled into one. An addition to your life that won't talk back, that can't break its leg, and that disease can't touch. Sure, there will be a downside, like the awkward silence as you butter your dinner rolls, but could you expect anything different by bringing a real man to dinner?

Chia Head is better than a man, better than a woman. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that Chia Head is the ultimate mate. All you have to do is let it into your heart.

All for about $19.99.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 282: WHERE, OH WHERE, CAN MY USELESS MAN BE?

Dear Useless Men,

I don't have a question so much as want to express my sincere relief. Being from Canada myself, I have wondered where all the useless men have gone.

SIGH.

It's like a long lost part of myself has been found!

Thank you all Useless Men everywhere.

Nancycle

Dear Nancycle,

Every email we are sent is answered. You sent this in, so we shall deem it an inquisition and attack accordingly.

I should think that it is obvious that they haven't gone anywhere at all. With the prevalence of the internet, today's modern Useless Man has found himself with endless hours of entertainment. Where he once had to leave his home to try to find people more useless than himself to laugh at, he can now visit any number of websites to view other useless men online for hours at a time.

Males are competitive creatures by nature. We constantly seek to challenge ourselves in ways that make women congregate in small areas and eat chocolate and discuss over coffees and white wine spritzers. Where we once had to gather in public or private places to make attempts at outdoing each other, we can simply use a camera and upload a video of ourselves doing idiotic things from the comfort of our own homes. By putting it on a site where many other Useless Men have uploaded their own attempts, we can view others and watch the world discuss our activities. We know we have achieved our goal of temporary useless supremacy when we receive an email from someone containing our video usually with the header, "Check out this idiot."

The spring that once brought Useless Men out from their hibernation and into the bright, judgmental public no longer holds sway over them. You won't find them hanging around hardware stores, or pool halls, like they once were. If it's Useless Men you be seekin', look no further than cyberspace, my dear, and you shall find yourself an abundance of buffoonery and enough general mayhem to keep you awake for hours and hours.

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat.


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QUESTION # 281: FREAKY IN A BED OF KORN

Dear Useless Men,

Why is it, that like the song lyrics go, that men want "A lady in the street but a freak in the bed". Then, sometimes they want you to play hard to get. Sometimes we are expected to dress up. Sometimes we should wear nothing, gotta do it in public, in private, be loud, be quiet. Sometimes we have to act aggressive, sometimes demure. All men have to do is show up with an erection!

Shouldn't we, as women, be earning some kind of acting fee for having to play all these roles? Women also like to be ravished, but it seems that all the focus is on what men want.

Signed,
Freak on a leash

Dear Freak on a Leash,

I can see you now sitting with your coffee on "just another manic Monday" thinking, "Working 9 to 5, what a way to make a living." You tell your friends that "Oops... I did it again, Got lost in this game ... Oh baby". And they're thinking, "You're looking for love in all the wrong places." Well, they are right. "A good heart is hard to find, true love the lasting kind." Sure, "I've got friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns and the beer it chases my blues away" but I wouldn't date them.

You make a good point about acting, but don't we all? "It's a thin disguise, living our lives behind a thin disguise" and eventually "the act we act is wearing thin, I think we wear it out again". I admit there are going to be those Usher-ish tunes, but face it "Who got the hooch, baby? Who got the only sweetest thing in the world?" Yes, that's right, and we'll do anything "for the nookie (come on), the nookie (come on), ... like a chump". So, of course, "here comes johnny with his pecker in his hand. He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo."

But before "you give love a bad name", just remember that you're "Once, twice, three times a lady". Do these roles have to be bad?

Go ahead, "have fun, fun, fun, ‘til your daddy takes the t-bird away". We all know "girls just wanna have fun" and "no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity, because the greatest love of all is happening to me. I found the greatest love of all Inside of me".

Right now your probably thinking, "What's love got to do, got to do with it"? Let me tell you. "Love is all around you, love is knocking outside you door, waiting for you, ya this love made just for two".

Me? "I'm in love with an American girl, well, she's my best friend", "We share a roof, we share a bed, but unlike the rich, we share what's in each others head".

You may not want to hear this, but "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need". I think what you want is a little "R.E.S.P.E.C.T.” Find out what it means to YOU.

If I can end off with a lyrical quote from Jonathan Davis of Korn, "Boom na da mmm dum na ema Da boom na da mmm dum na ema."

There it is. "But if I can't change your mind, then no one will."

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother



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QUESTION # 280: SWAPPING PARTNERS

Dear Useless Men,

Love your site. I have a mutually useless proposal for you guys. I was trying to think about how I can get more hits to my site. As you are well aware, it's fierce out there in cyber space.

I came up with a useless idea. I will give you a free blog ad to post on my site if you allow me to post a free blog ad on your site. You can see my ad here. Don’t worry. I can send you the code.

This will give us both a larger audience. I agree to post your ad as long as you post mine. I'm completely cool if you are not into the idea. If you are then, just copy the ad, blank it out and create your own useless ad.

Anyways, that’s it. There's my useless proposal. Thanks for hearing me out.

Later,
Life is Crap

Dear Mr. Crap,

Thank you for the love. You may now take off your cowboy hat. And put on your pants.

I didn’t realize how fierce it was in cyberspace. I know it is fierce in outer space. I’ve seen the movies. I’ve read the books. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there was much fighting between the Empire and a band of rebel fighters seeking balance to the Force. It’s all documented.

But cyberspace? The worst you can get from there is a virus, or an identity theft. That’s not good either, since I don’t want someone stealing my identity. More of an identity swap would be better. But that’s not what you were proposing.

I’m often considered adding a blogroll, or something such, for the Useless offices. Mostly, the people who would be listed there are not useless at all. Looking at all the accomplished bloggers out there just makes it more discouraging to see our useless answers posted where everyone, including my Mom, can read. (Mom, if you’re reading this, or more appropriately, still reading this, sorry I haven’t called lately. I’ve been busy with this blog, and I work on dial-up. You understand…)

We’ve also rented out space on other blogs through Blog Explosion’s Rent-A-Blog feature. Alas, if indeed alas would apply here, we have not reciprocated these people in any way. In fact, for some, we bring the quality of their content down a notch, simply by association. That might explain our current ratio of 1 acceptance for every 17 rental requests. It’s not easy forging reference letters you know! Fortunately, one of our Useless Men often gets confused for a popular TV anchorperson. Talk about immediate credibility.

Regarding the larger audiences, I haven’t met any of our readers. I have no idea how large they are. But I do know that at least three of the Useless Men wear pants with a waist size 40 or better. That’s not just large, that’s Extra-Large territory.

With all this in mind, I would have politely declined your request. By doing so, I have actually made your "mutually useless proposal" even more mutually useless, I propose. But since you somehow worked your banner actually into the question above, for which I curse you HTML, I expect that you will now post the banner shown below which I have had created, at no small expense. And don't even THINK about stealing our bandwidth.



Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 279: COMPUTER BACK-UP

Dear Useless Men,

Why is it that whenever you need a computer it won't be there for you? I spend hours on a huge project only to find that it hasn't saved a thing and is in fact destroying other things that I had previously saved and put away for future use. A friend mentioned backup, but the only backup I'm interested in now is the kind where I back up my truck right over my PC.

Could I have avoided this whole mess or not?

Traumatically yours,
Victim of Technology

Dear Victim of Technology,

Of course you could have avoided this. Think of how much work you've done on your computer since you got it. You could have saved yourself all that trouble by backing over it years ago!

Work is one of the biggest problems with America these days. People are doing it every day; from the office, from home, even while on vacation. It's practically an epidemic. I say that all of us, like you, should take up arms against the implements of work. Stop work before it stops us! Wipe out those word processors! Pulverize those printers! Body slam those binders! No we don't have a case of the Mondays! It's time we showed the false gods of work ethic and productivity that we aren't going to take any more guff! Shove firecrackers in the CD drives. Pour coffee in the little holes on your monitor. Have a smoke break and talk about your co-workers disparagingly as though there's no possible way they will ever hear that you have done so even though your little community of office drones numbers only about thirty people!

Your friend, I'm sad to say, is a tool of the oppressors. These friends love to go around spouting phrases like "back-up your work on a USB drive" or "press the little picture of the disk every few minutes or so," in the hopes of lessening the impact any digital disaster might have. But heed him not, for doing so will allow you to return to your work with nary a hiccup in progress. Yes, if you follow his advice you'll be back to your pie charts and your project outlines and your mission statements in no time.

I'll tell you what you do: You plug away at your computer for hours on end and you ignore that little disk. When the power goes out, and you lose all your work, you laugh. You laugh hard, my friend.

The time for revolution . . . is nigh.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 278: THE LEGEND OF DECENT MEN

Dear Useless Men,

I seem to be having the hardest time meeting a decent man. I've met nothing but liars, cheaters and your basic losers. Where are the decent men hiding and how do I meet one?

Leaveit2Cleavage

Dear Leaveit2Cleavage,

If this is not the age old question, then what is? Where have all the good men gone? Legend has it that the decent ones are everywhere, and nowhere, all at once. Does this make sense? Of course not! It's a legend. Let me share the story that has been passed down through generations in my family. Curl up to the fire, and settle in, loyal readers:

ack around the dawn of civilization, when "Getting Married" meant a man would club a woman over the head and drag her by her hair back to his cave for the “reception", there was a young man who envisioned a new world where women were no longer bonked and dragged, but wooed by pretty rocks, saber toothed tiger skins, and flowers.

This man, Nota as he was known, was one of 4 sons of the very powerful Jerk family. His father, Big, loved each of his sons, for each of them were strong and handsome. Big especially loved Nota, for Nota was quite Useful.

Nota Jerk was full of ideas and innovation, and his father supported him in everything. However, Nota's brothers Lyon, Cheeten, and Loozr, did not like the extra affections their father gave to Nota. They knew Nota was unique and they found that very irritating.

Nota's "round" wheels made Loozr's "square" wheels look like crap, causing Loozr great embarrassment. Nota invented fire, which Lyon continues to take credit for (but no one believes him). And Nota kept figuring out all of Cheeten's secrets for the games of chance that Cheeten would play with fellow cave dwellers.

It was this new line of thinking that really annoyed the Jerk brothers. Up until then, all the women swooned over the Jerk's, but after the clubbing, they would constantly complain about the Jerk's, with the obvious exception of Nota Jerk (who they, more often than not, would complain mostly to).

This was how Nota came to his vision of a bold new world where women and men were equals. Nota began spreading his new philosophy, and some men took to it, like the Nyseguy family and the Jusfrends Clan. But the other Jerk brothers, along with their cousins, the Playahz, complained to Big Jerk about Nota's newest idea.

They told Big of how the women were refusing to be clubbed unless the men could impress them and how some women gave up on men altogether and started clubbing each other. Big Jerk was a Wiseman and, though he loved Nota very much, he was forced to address this social concern. He decided they would hold a race to decide which social structure would be implemented. It would be a race through the Useforfire woods around Lake Isdamcold and returning to the Jerk cave entrance where the race would start.

There were two teams of two, with Lyon and Cheeten Jerk on one team (everybody knew Loozr never wins), and Nota Jerk and Ima Nyseguy on the other team.

The week before the race was amazing for Nota Jerk, the Jusfrend's and Nyseguy's. The women were smitten. Meanwhile, the Jerks and Playahz men were not pleased. While Nota and Ima were squeezing in practice races between dates, the other Jerk brothers went to meet a girl in the Valley about a half-mile from Caves, who was rumoured to be a witch. Beotch, the Valley Girl Witch, proved true the rumours of her powers and agreed to help the Jerk brothers.

With their plan in place, Lyon and Cheeten smiled deviously at Nota and Ima who smiled back and wished them good luck. Big Jerk signaled the start of the race and Nota broke into the lead (though some thought Cheeten started before the signal). Nota hit the forest first, like Lyon thought he would, and Beotch the Witch was ready. As soon as Nota broke through the trees, she yelled out “Impercepto Estrogeno!” and cast forth the spell.

Though only slightly dazed, Nota had no idea what happened and continued with the race. But Lyon had overtaken him in the woods. Desperate to catch up, Nota went full out, but it wasn't enough to win the race and he came in second followed by Cheeten. Ima Nyseguy finished last.

With the race over, Big Jerk was forced to keep the social structure as it was, but to the dismay of the Playahz and such, the women refused to change their ways, enjoying this newly found freedom. In the end, the Jerk boys and the Playahz were forced to impress, woo and shower the women with gifts and kindness until they could club them and then be themselves again.

The Jerk boys and the Playahz got so good at the "game" that even the Nyseguy's and Jusfrend's men couldn't compete, virtually wiping those families out.

As for Nota Jerk, he came to realize that he was cursed. Women would not give him the time of day, let alone a date. Nota did eventually meet a lady, who, through a long friendship, eventually clubbed him, thus continuing his lineage, and his curse.

So, where are all the decent men? He is that fluttering shadow in your peripheral vision. He is a reflection in a subway window. He could be that nice guy, who is just a friend, you know? The one who is not a jerk.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 277: ARRRR! IT’S KUNG FU FIGHTING TIME, MATEY!

Dear Useless Men,

I'm a high school teacher and I'm trying to settle an argument between me and my students. Pirates or Ninjas?

Thanks,
Voix

Dear Voix,

This question goes deeper than it seems. On the surface you have a swaggering, boisterous, rum soaked sea dog with a parrot on his shoulder and a bandolier full of pistols going toe to toe with a stylish, katana-wielding, shuriken-chucking, masked butt-kicking agent of the shadows. But it's more than that.

So. Much. More.

What you really have is a conflict of ideologies. Will the ninja, with his philosophy of honor and humility, his reverence for his ancestors, and his funky sandals, prevail over the scumbag in the skullcap who exploits good, seafaring merchants in order to squander his ill-gotten gains in public houses and brothels, who'll change sides in any conflict at the drop of a tri-corned hat?

While ninjutsu embodies the notion of master and apprentice, pirates recognize every man as equal; ninja elect to live lives of poverty, while pirates spend their lives in constant pursuit of the ship that will make them rich men. Where ninja did not record their tales and remained largely apocryphal concerning their accomplishments, pirates would brag about their exploits at the nearest pub, sometimes going so far as to even invent things that did not happen!

So, who is better? That's up to you to decide.

As to who would win in a one-on-one fight? That's easy; as the pirate saying goes, "’Tis a merry life, and a short one." The ninja would leap from treetop to treetop, sneak up using a box of crickets to disguise his 'small sounds,' and silently execute the pirate before he even knew what happened.

But then the ninja would realize that pirates never fight one-on-one, and they never stray too far from their ship. He'd barely have time to crap his jammies before a cannonball turned him into an extremely stylish crater.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 276: MOTIVATIONAL MAYHEM

Dear Useless Men,

Being a pretty useless woman myself, I figured I would send you guys a question. I already came up with my own answer though.

I have decided that the less goals I set for myself, the more thoroughly impressed I AM with myself. I am achieving more nothing than ever, and it feels great!!!

I guess my only question to you then - IS this feeling of elation of giving up my useless goals normal? Or should I feel the status quo *I suck* because I don't own my own business and have a white picket fence. I mean, seriously, the best thing I can do involves being useful - but only to me in private...nudge nudge. ;-)

Onward Ho!

Dear Onward Ho!,

First off, if the only useful thing you do is "in private...nudge nudge" then maybe you need to consider renaming yourself to Inward Ho, but I digress.

Why you should feel you suck for not achieving the goals that society has blindly put before us is a mystery to me. You should strive to be yourself and not what some magazine or television show tells you. I myself have been a talented cockroach whisperer for years now. The side benefit of this decidedly unique talent is that there haven't been any of them around my house for years. My wife thinks this is because they just aren't around but I know better. When I go on and on about a subject, she leaves the room, so why is it so unbelievable that when I speak to the cockroaches that they, too, don't simply choose to flee from my enlightenment as they do a lightbulb? (Does this make my wife seem like a cockroach? I'd better get ready to sleep on the couch tonight…)

If you have chosen the path of underachiever, then you should be the best damn underachiever possible. This is a tricky task, as it involves a fine balance between not giving a damn while remaining vigilant to the ever-present temptation to achieve something. You may find yourself getting up to do some dishes even though they aren't piled up to the bottom of the cupboards yet. If this isn't something you want to do, but rather think you should be doing because "the man" would frown upon such sloth, then damn the dishes. They aren't going anywhere by themselves. If they are then you have left them long enough for the cockroaches to get to them. Watch your silverware. It’ll be next. Or the mess has caused the dishes to evolve and flee for more fertile lands, and congratulations to you.

Similarly, if your goals are ones that are easily achieved, and you feel a wondrous sense of accomplishment, then why should you chooses to corrupt that joy? I've owned my own business and it is not the rose garden people think it is. Actually, it is the rose garden people think it is, but the flowers are missing and the beauty is not apparent because of the pricks. As for picket fences, they need repainting an awful lot.

Set that bar low, and don't let anyone criticize you. If they get on your case, simply tell them that you are going to be the motivational limbo champion of all time. Like Chubby Checker once said:

Don't move that limbo bar
You'll be a limbo star
How low can you go

So how low can you really go??

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 275: KING OF USELESS TRIVIA

Dear Useless Men,

I've often been called the King of Useless Trivia, mostly because I know a lot of useless trivia. It's true... much like the fact that a person's nose and ears continue to grow throughout their lifetime.

Now, you Useless Men profess to be purveyors of Useless Advice, no? And does not this "advice" rely heavily on knowledge of trivial things? Useless Trivia, as it were? And are not the main exports of the Ukraine ferrous and non-ferrous metals and finely decorated eggs?

My question is this: How can we, Useless Men and the King of Useless Trivia, co-exist? Should one of use give up sharing this precious, yet ultimately useless, knowledge with the world, forsake all human contact (real or virtual), and adopt a monk-like attitude of silence and inner reflection?

Should one of us turn evil in order to bring balance to the Useless Equation? Should the universal spelling be the American "color" or the Canadian "colour"?

Of course, as the King, I already know the answers to these questions and many more (making any response on your part truly useless)... But your opinions amuse me.

Yours Truly,
The King of Useless Trivia

Dear King,

May I call you Ken? We all know that you, Mr. Jennings, have won millions of dollars on Jeopardy due to all of the useless knowledge inside your cranium, but it doesn't mean that we can't co-exist.

You claim to be the King based on a number of people telling you that you're the King, but that doesn't necessarily make you the King. However, as skeptical as I may be (I am very highly allergic to the guillotine), I will curtsy before you, and hypothetically accept your title for the purpose of this reply.

In a perfect world, if we were to take action on this apparent disturbance between useless factions, we would join forces to form the Useless Alliance. Side-by-side we would take on the world's evil game-show hosts and attempt to win sums of money, cars, toaster ovens, and 6-piece bedroom sets. But there would be far too many game shows to conquer at once.

As the guardian of the Useless Satellite Station orbiting far above the earth, you would attempt to direct the team of Useless Men, but to no avail. Our inability to follow directions, you see, is unparalleled.

The Alliance would crumble.

Then we would go about our useless lives, doing the things that we usually do, and failing at all of them due to our lack of redeeming abilities.

With no Alliance, you would think the world was in danger of being taken over by nefarious game-show hosts. But the fact is, we were never really defending the world against anything vile in the first place.

Although, if you ask me, Alex Trebek may be more evil than a rabid pitbull with a cloven hoof shoved up his Yeee-haw!

But you knew I was going to say that.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 274: A REAL LADDIES MAN

Dear Useless Men,

Lately, I've had some trouble getting a date (or laid, for that matter). Lately being roughly five months. I am not hard to look at and I am a nice girl, but somehow I end up being the best friend of every guy I know! I am the one who gives them advice and sometimes I'm even invited to "lads' nights".

I like men as friends, but I think it's my time to get some! Will I ever??

Yours,
Loeb wants Love

Dear Loeb,

I can relate to your problem. I've hung out with guys for most of my life, and I've never got some... Not once. But that doesn’t bother me. None of them had a vagina. Well, not at the time. But that’s another answer for another day.

You think you’ve had trouble? Five months? I haven’t had a date in more than 10 years! The last time I was on a date was before I was married.

That girl saw me from across a crowded room. Seriously. It was gymnasium. It was crowded. And she was comparing who had the hottest butts. I did pretty good, in her eyes, which I figure must be half-blind. She sw tall and dark, and figured handsome was part of the deal.

I would bring her along to lads’ nights, but she couldn’t wear a bra. I don’t know any lads that wear a bra. Well, I didn’t at that time… But again, another answer, another day.

If you are friends with guys, they must be the type of guy that has a lot of friends that are girls. And together you sit watching movies or hockey on a Saturday wondering if, maybe, just maybe, something might happen to spark this relationship to another level. In these situations, it’s hard to tell who’s wearing a bra, and who’s wearing panties.

My advice is to do your lad’s night near a fireplace, campfire or Coleman stove. If all goes well, a spark will set some clothes on fire, causing one of these men to disrobe, and you can let nature run its course.

In this case, nature should always start with stop, drop and roll.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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