QUESTION # 339: NICE ADVICE COMES IN THREES

Dear Useless Men,

I have been married for 5 years now and wonder why all of a sudden my husband doesn't want to put his clothes in the hamper. I mean it sits right outside the bathroom door in the bedroom. My husband has started being sloppy and I don't know how to be nice and let him know. I have hinted around about it but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Any advice?

Angel

Dear Angel,

It's in your best interest to nip this in the bud right away, using military force if you have to, because in my experience it does not end with clothes. Oh, no. Why, just this morning I found a carton of juice under the computer desk. Maybe it was hiding from the milk, but my other theory is much more plausible.

But while my situation looks grim, since women come as trained as they're ever going to get, men can be molded and shaped to even your darkest whims.

I now present, for your perusal, three methods of getting your man to do what you want. These can be applied in any number of problematic behaviours, but I have tailored them to suit the task at hand.

Method Number One: Aversion Therapy
When I was growing up, I was fairly messy. Then one thing happened which ensured that I would never leave anything on the ground ever again: we got a puppy. The next time your Prince Charming throws his favorite plaid shirt on the ground, I want you to scoot on over, drop your skirt, and piss on it. Sure, it may earn you a swat on the nose, but keep it up! There are very few problems that won't go away once you pee on them!

Method Number Two: Recollective Therapy
Men are disgusting creatures. I mean really disgusting. When women begin to emit foul odors, they waste no time in repairing to the nearest lavatory where they apply any number of arcane substances in order to limit said odor's diffusal into the air. Men, however, will do anything to cultivate a good stench. And men will share these odors with you. Being married, I'm sure you know this all too well. Previously worn clothes are like a transmitter for the smell, amplifying and enhancing them; thus, the accomplished man will toss his shirts on the ground or otherwise keep them separate from those clothes that will be cleaned in the near future. You must interpret this for the signal it is. Your husband is saying, "I want to wear this again soon."

So you must move it. Put it under the bed. Stash it away in the hallway closet under the luggage. Hide it under the driver's seat in his truck. Do whatever you can to inform him that the only way his ailing memory will avail him is if he puts the clothes where they go.

Method Number Three: Ol' Reliable
If the first two methods do not work, you have some soul searching to do. Would you rather have a happy relationship . . . or a clean house? The first one usually entails a lot more work than the second, so no one can blame you if you pick the house. If that's the case, then you can always fall back on the time-tested standby of nag, nag, nag.

Sure, you'll become the “Ball and Chain", his "Old Lady", or "Quexzathora, Unholy Priestess of the Dark Temple of Clean", but at least you can get from the door to the bed without a guide and a machete. Practice this and you'll have tapped into the collective unconsciousness of the house-frau, where you'll get other benefits as well, such as the "I have a headache" excuse for getting out of sex, to getting mad when he tells you you're just like you're mother because, secretly, you know it's true!

I hope this helps. If not, have you considered lesbianism? They're clean, well groomed and don't eat much.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 338: BREAKFAST BATTLE

Dear Useless Men,

Which is better? Pancaks or french toast? My husband (a useless man in his own right) and I have spent way too much time debating this and need you to solve it for us.

Thank you,
Psychobabble

Dear Psychobabble,

Whenever I have trouble deciding between two foods I read history books. History always explains the origins of food. And that same history helps me decide what is best for me to eat. I also use a complex formula based on advanced calculus but for this answer I'll just stick to history.

Pancaks, or pancakes as we call them here in Canada, were originally invented in cowboy times. The Scientists of the day were looking for a toy the cowboys could use to take their minds off the cute cows when they were on those long cattle drives. Apparently, cattle stampedes were mainly caused by frisky cowboys, singing the "I Like Big Butts" song, because, well, they were alone with the cattle for a really long time. Too long, as some historians and geneticists point out.

The scientists invented a toy that could be tossed around by the cowboys during the long, lonely evenings and then consumed at breakfast. The cowboys took to the Frisbee like toys and quit singing.

And the cattle quit stampeding. Everyone was happy. Especially the cook who didn't have to get up early to cook breakfast anymore.

French toast was originally invented in Poland. But a sneaky French guy snuck some into France and took out a patent on this tasty food and Polish chefs had to stop making it. This made Poland very angry and as a result passports were invented by Poland to prevent French people from sneaking into their country to steal their food ideas.

The first french toast reached North America when a French worker inadvertently left some of his breakfast in the Statue of Liberty, which France gave to the U.S.A. during a sucking up incident because they needed friends now that Poland was angry with them.

European patent laws didn't apply in North America so french toast took off in the U.S.A. After a mere 20 years french toast had become popular all across the city of New York. Then later during the great pancake batter shortage of 1948 other places in North America reluctantly adopted it as a viable food.

Today cattle are taken places in trucks, frisbees are made of plastic and France and Poland have made up. But pancakes and french toast are still here to remind us of our exciting historical past.

So armed with this information I think you and your husband would have to agree that the choice is clear.

Enjoy your breakfast.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 337: KITTY PORN

Dear Useless Men,

When my husband and I have sex, my cat sits on the bedpost and watches. It makes both of us a little...well..."performance-anxious". What should we do?

Sincerely,
Anxious in Action

Dear Anxious Performer,

What you are experiencing, if I may get technical here, is professionally called “the jitters”. Many stage actors, famous or otherwise, feel this same nervous feeling you speak of just before their performance. Audiences can be harsh and critical, and it's in our nature to please others in fear of failure.

You could cope with the problem by consuming numerous alcoholic beverages before the big event, but that sometimes hinders the enjoyment, and the ability, of the passion.

It might help theatre thespians to picture an audience in their collective underwear, but that's not going to work on the cat. You're going to have to turn the tables on Zippur. Or Muffinballs, or Crabcakes, or whatever your cat's name is.

Instead of feeling nervous, take control of the situation. And make some money while you're at it, for cryin' out loud. Everybody knows the porn industry makes boatloads of money every year, out-earning Hollywood by a money shot.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

Don't let that cat sit idly by watching. Put that cat to work. Harness a camera onto her back and let her film your daily romps in the sack. If she's going to sit and stare while your husband gives you a jolly roger, you might as well put the cat to work. Don't worry if the footage comes across as shaky or unfocused. Voyeurism is all the rage.

Now, let's talk more about money. Since I came up with the idea, I hereby assume the role of your cat's manager and agent. Therefore, I will take an 11% cut of all present and future earnings from the sale and distribution of your “home video” films, while 20% of overall sales will go to the distribution company that promotes the sale of your movies. I'll pay the upfront fees for the production of your first 1,000 DVDs, so long as I receive a dozen complimentary copies.

Have your lawyers go over the paperwork. You'll see it's a very generous offer that leaves you with the remaining 69% to give you inspiration to make more Kitty-Voyeur-Extraordiare bachelor party-type movies.

You are on the brink of being the star in every teenaged boy's dreams. And you thought you had a problem…

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 336: UNFINISHED TITLE

Dear Useless Men,

What is it with men and projects? Why is it so very easy to start one but virtually impossible to ever finish one? It seems that a man can put hours and hours into any given project but when it is nearly done he somehow loses all interest in it. And then the project, whatever it was, ends up lying somewhere for so long that you have to start considering it a permanent part of the furniture.

- Not a project manager

Dear Project Manager, Not A,

When my Useless brother sent me this question, I thought, “This will be fun! And easy, to boot.” By the end of this read you will be thinking, "One Useless Brother, I did not know you could write so well! This is amazing!"

And so you should be. The advice I'm about to give is so grandly Useless, it's almost inconceivable. So let's get started.

There are a number of items I should mention before I get into this. Men think big. It's not just a fence we're building; it's a fortified wall. It's not a shed, it's a Utility Storage Unit with full workshop. Big ideas!

Sometimes it takes time to complete such huge projects. Patience, it may still get done. Starting these projects also helps men avoid unmanly tasks such as dishes, laundry, and hmmm, well, I’ll come back to that.

Let's see here ....


"Imitation Of Brutality"

xDisciplex A.D. is one of the first Christian hardcore bands I started listening to. At first I had downloaded their songs from Kazaa ... I know, the irony of downloading Christian music, it’s like watching a pirated copy of The Passion of Christ, but I eventually found this album and I love it. "Imitation of Love" is one of the most brutally heavy albums I own. This album clocks in at almost 23 minutes and chocked full of mid-paced bone crushing riff work. Nothing fancy here just flat out HARDCORE! The album starts out by blasting you with "See Me Through" before hammering the listener with the 50 sec onslaught that is "Set To Destroy".

"Set To Destroy" holds a special place in my heart because it is the song that my wife and I had our first dance to at our wedding. OK, seriously, we played about 10 seconds of it pretending it was our first dance song for our friends and family who know I'm into extreme metal. It was funny, and my wife was a good sport. The rest of the album is ... is ... well, I'll come back to that. Hmmm ....



Hmmm what else .... well, I'll come back to this.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 335: WHO IS GOD?

Dear Useless Men,

Is God a man or a woman?

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

This is a question that many, many people ponder. To be succinct, and a little reverent in case God reads this blog, I believe that God is a man. He says so in His book. And He should know.

BUT, you would ask as a future follow-up question, if God IS a man, and men are Useless, is God Useless?

Au contraire, mon amie. God is not Useless. See, God created man in His image. Then Man went on his merry way, and paired up with Eve. Eve gets the short end of the Eden and Creation story by being the first one recorded as falling for temptation. But she's not the only one to blame. Adam was right there, after all. She just took the first bite of the forbidden fruit and passed it on.

Instead of saying, “Whoa, Nelly. That’s a no-no in God’s books”, Adam also ate, thus rendering all men Useless to God, what with the sin and all.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as the saying goes. Adam’s son, Cain, was useless at bringing sacrifice to God. His brother Abel, was, well, better able. Cain, in his useless wisdom, murders Abel.

Even Cain’s excuse, “Am I my bother’s keeper?” is useless. There’s only one family on the entire Earth, and you don’t know where your brother is? Even I can deduce that you should be able to take a wild guess where Abel may be. It’s not like, “He could be at the 7-11, or he might be at Norm’s place, swimming in the pool.”

Down the generations it goes. Moses, who considered himself to be Useless to God, was still called to set His people free from Egypt. Men may be useless, but God wasn’t performing miracles through sheep back then.

While escaping Egypt, in the wilderness, Moses again gets called, this time to bring down the Law of God, also known as the 10 commandments. While Moses and God are up the mountain, writing rules with lightning, smoke, and earthquakes, God’s chosen people create a new god in the shape of a calf. Why would you make a new god when you know God is right there on the mountain? That’s like kissing your girlfriend while holding hands with your wife.

Not that I want to bludgeon the point here. After all, am I this blog’s keeper?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 334: SPONSOR IMPERFECTION

Dear Useless Men,

I have recently found that a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, has mistaken me for perfection personified.

Alas, I am not perfect, and my friend has discovered this about me. And now his dream of me is ruined.

Since I can not possibly understand men, I thought you might be able to help me resolve this little dilemma since he is a man. Well, I believe he is a man although I have never actually met him.

How do I get my friend to accept my faults as well as my good qualities? Or should I just let it go? I truly hate to disapoint my friend.

Thanks,
Imperfect Perfection

Dear Imperfect,

People often take the wrong approach to online relationships. While it's true that the majority of people online are bodybuilders, models, firemen, and strippers, the rest of us need to realize that we can't try and hold ourselves to their standards. This is why you need to anti-hype yourself. Telling the guy you're 5 foot 6 inches with a 36 double-D cup size, 19 inch waist, and glowing blonde hair doesn't help you in the least when you finally send that picture of you at the family reunion and you look like one of the contestants Shrek passed up on the hit TV dating show "Next." You need anti-hype, and you need it bad.

Say, for instance, you weigh seven hundred pounds, have a five-o'clock shadow, a nose that looks like a misthrown javelin impaled you in the face, and a fourth arm growing out of your side. You need to say you weigh fourteen hundred pounds, have a beard like Gandalf, a schnozz the size of a tree trunk, and nineteen limbs like Doctor Octopus all growing straight out of your butt (*Note: if he asks how you go number two, just tell him that the difficulty in doing so is offset by the ease with which you can wipe).

Now that he has low expectations, when you actually send him your picture you'll look like Eva Longoria from that hit TV dramedy show "Desperate Housewives."

Your perfection will be restored, much like Ty Pennington does on the hit TV home restoration program "Trading Spaces."

Note: I would like to thank my sponsors for giving me the opportunity to write this column: Dreamworks Animation SKG, Marvel Comics, "Next," "Desperate Housewives," and "Trading Spaces." If it weren't for you, my computer wouldn't be made of solid gold and my keyboard would be composed of lesser precious gems unlike the rubies upon which I now type. Thanks guys!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 333: DUBYA DOLLARS

Dear Useless Men,

After reading a recent post of Useless Men, concerning Canadian money, it occurred to me, on American money (excluding two near obsolete coins) all of our money features men on the front.

So... my question, as you might have guessed by now is as follows: Why?

An Inquiring American

P.S. Could you also warn me of any testostrone from such coinage?

Dear Inquiring American,

You know what? I'd also like to know why there are men all over U.S. money. Why does U.S. currency have to have men on it? It's a crying shame that Betsy Ross, sewer of the first American flag, graces no U.S. coins. Why? Why, I ask?

On a more modern note, why aren't there special edition Hillary Clinton quarters? And if she's not powerful enough, why can't I get an Oprah dollar? There are no Condoleeza Rice dimes, no eBay CEO Meg Whitman pennies, and no Rosa Parks nickels. Why?

I'll tell you why. America is suppressing women, as well as monkeys!

Have you ever seen Diana Ross' likeness struck into a U.S. dollar coin, or a monkey on a quarter? I can guarantee that one day, when we're all sucking steaks through straws and gumming soggy bacon for breakfast, the United States mint will slap Arnold Schwarzenegger's ugly mug on something, but they'll forget about his fellow monkey actors like Binks, who held the title monkey role in Outbreak.

The mint should rectify this injustice post-haste by striking a George Dubya nickel which would satisfy both the men-on-money-symbolizes-strength crowd, as well as the primate-loving American citizens. In fact, make it a wooden nickel.

Passionately Yours,
The Useless Wonder

P.S. There would be absolutely no testosterone present in the above-mentioned coin.


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QUESTION # 332: LAZY BEING ON THE BOTTOM

Dear Useless Men,

The ladies and I were chatting again & we've come up with a question for you...(but it's a common question, so if it's already been asked, just disregard)

Why is it, that when it comes to Bathroom Etiquette, men never seem to put the toilet seat back down, or change the roll of toilet paper when they use the last bit of it?? Is it just sheer laziness or is there another reason?

~A Bunch of Curious Ladies~

Dear ~A Bunch of Curious Ladies~,

Bathroom etiquette is the oldest conflict of Male/Female relationships. Ever since cavemen... sorry, cavepeople, started putting flat rocks over "uhg uhg" holes, (let’s assume that's what cavepeople called it), in the ground with bushes planted beside them, this conflict has existed. I believe the toilet seat issue stems from the fact that cavemen would not replace the rock and the cavewomen would end up falling in. And though the cavewomen were furious, the cavemen found it darn funny.

While we have covered the topic of toilet seats before, it is clear that some things never change. And we certainly don't mind revisiting any topic.

All the same, the next time the ladies get together and chat, if that’s what you want to call it, toss this new bit of insight around and see what happens.

A man's house is his Castle. A man's bathroom is his Throne Room. A man is a King in the bathroom, sitting for hours on the throne passing "judgment" and accomplishing great things.

One of those things is NOT replacing the toilet paper roll. If you want to argue that the seat is not down enough since women use it more often like that, than the man would argue that we don’t use the toilet paper roll as often, thus relegating roll replacement to the Queen.

As King we believe in fairness and equality. The Queen knows best which way the roll must be placed, fed from top or from bottom, corners folded into a point or left square. For a King to decide this could be seen as a challenge to the Queen who would feel as if she were being forced into a specific role. For the King to load the toilet paper top fed could suggest the Queen is dominant and overbearing, and the King would appear weak before his subjects in the lands of Modern Mechanic, Sports Illustrated, and Good Hunting. This is not say that the Queen is overbearing or dominant, but far be it for the King to imply it.

Alternately, the King does not want to suggest that the Queen is not of equal stature by placing the roll of toilet paper bottom fed. That would just make us royal jerks.

It's not laziness that keeps us from replacing the roll of toilet paper, it's the connotations implied by replacing the roll of toilet paper. The Queen is more than capable of deciding whether she wants to be on top or bottom.

We Kings are happy either way.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 331: BUMMING FOOD

Dear Useless Men,

I have a bum roommate. Getting money for rent and bills out of him is like pulling teeth. The only time I see him is when he's passed out on the couch after drinking at the bars all night. But, that's not what annoys me the most. He's always eating my leftover pizza. No matter where I put it, he eats it. I come home from work expecting to eat a slice or two for dinner but I always find it gone. What should I do?

Thanks,
Jason from Karolczak.com

Dear Jason,

I have to commend you on your choice of roommate, although we prefer to call them “homeless” over “bum”, but since you have provided a home, I guess “bum” it is.

Providing a safe haven for this formerly homeless bum is the start of a new life for him. Would he be safer passed out on your couch, or in a back alley under a dumpster? We both know the answer there, and that’s why his passing out is not the bigger issue.

I am a man, like you, that likes food. The hardest part of being a food addict is giving up a share. Looking at my waist, and my cholesterol, I know I can afford to share my leftovers, if and when they occur, with my fellow hungry man. But, like any addiction, breaking the habit is a hard first step.

Your “allowing” of the pizza to be found, and eaten, is just your subconscious telling you that you really don’t need it, and we both could afford to lose a few pounds and inches. To that, I say, “Tell your conscious to stay out of my business.”

We both know you really want your home”-full” bum to find this food. Hiding food from your roommate is fruitless. Remember, in those street living days, this man may have been known for his bin diving forays through trash to find a miniscule morsel of food far less worthy than your pizza. You’ve had a fair share, and it’s not like he demands, “No mushrooms.”

I don’t expect that pan handling earns a tremendous amount of money, and parting with such meager earnings would be hard for the previously homeless to reconcile, considering the hardships of the street still fresh in his mind.

What you save in passing out daily change to the plethora of panhandlers on major city streets, (sidewalks, really), you more than give back to society for helping this single homeless man. Consider yourself thanked by the greater good, but we’re not chipping in any cash.

You’d likely just spend it on booze.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 330: HAD BEENS

Dear Useless Men,

Now that Edmonton did not bring home the Cup, how can we help the Useless Men (and some women) in our lives get over H.A.D. (Hockey Affective Disorder) and go on with the day to day bug squishing, garbage hauling and jar opening?

Signed,
Sad for HADs

Dear Sad,

Don't be sad. As has been constantly spoken by Toronto Maple Leafs fans for 30 years now, "There's always next year." Life can still go on without hockey here in Canada, much the same as life in America can go on without baseball. These sports give us a focal point for our utter male-ness. A chance to celebrate being male by watching guys beat the crap out of each other and scratch themselves in places they aren't allowed to when they are home with the wife. That being said, it isn't an easy existence.

The important thing to remember is that the removal of hockey from the HAD sufferers life is an immediate and powerful force. Like taking a heroin junkie, or cigarette smoker, and forcing them to go cold turkey, it is a very difficult road especially because it is a removal of the addicting substance by a choice other than that of the user. You can try to book them into a clinic to help them over the rehab process, but you'll find all the hockey rehabilitation centers or HRC's are booked solid at this point.

Early playoff eliminations tend to fill the HRC’s long before the heavy users suffer. Heavy users make up the fan base of the teams that go to the finals, finding themselves left adrift by their losing team in early summer. Be strong, and be ready, for the withdrawal symptoms. You have to be tolerant of these sufferers as they go about their daily business and try to get over the abrupt end of their "dream".

Being supportive is the strongest key to all of this. Don't yell at the men when they wear their jersey to bed. It’s a good compromise to their desire to bring a hockey stick into bed. In fact, consider having their favourite jersey laid out for them to end the hour-long scramble at bed time, which will only prolong your time to get to sleep.

When they mow the lawn in a helmet and skates, don't freak out and yell out the back door at them, “Come inside and get that ridiculous getup off before the neighbors see!” Understand that by mowing the lawn he is trying to move on and get his life back to some form of normality. Plus, he is helping to aerate the lawn.

If they want to sit in front of a blank TV screen and wave a team flag, that is ok too. If the screen has is on, it has to be on some kind of sports channel, and it can't be for less than 20 minutes or else it is just tormenting them.

Your ultimate goal is the cornerstone for the long-term goal of this hockey detox program. Several factors will dictate your total approach.

a) If you re seeking a total hockey elimination, I recommend you hand them over to professionals as this is a nigh impossible objective for untrained people.

b) Most people are simply looking to get the affected person to the next season. For them, I say that the road looks a lot more bearable. The pre-season takes the pressure off in this track. You can either continue with encouragement and support, or there is another option. Using powerful substances, such as Canadian beer, rye and grilled meat, you can successfully distract your HAD sufferer until the new season is perilously close.

The tough part of this is getting through those last few weeks as they as so close to the pre-season exhibition games that they may drive you nuts with all their pacing and anticipation.

Don't worry though because you can recover once the season is on, and they vanish for the next ten months.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 329: DEFINITELY NOT DR. PHIL

Dear Useless Men,

In The Myth of the Helpless Husband, I urge women not to be fooled when their husbands seem to be helpless at housework and parenting. But now I see from your site that men can be not only helpless, but downright Useless. This takes the problem to a whole new level. What sort of advice should I give to women who ask me how to properly motivate their Useless husbands?

Signed,
Definitely Not Dr. Phil

Dear Definitely Not Dr. Phil,

First, let me congratulate you on your advice to women. As you point out, husbands are quite adept at doing housework and parenting children. It's time women realized this.

Ha, ha, ha... I crack myself up sometimes.

Anyway, on to your question: How can women motivate their Useless husbands?

Dictionaries define motivation as getting people to do stuff they don't want to do. Or something like that. I didn't feel any motivation to look it up myself but I think that's probably what the definition would be.

If women want to motivate their Useless husbands, they should just lower their expectations about what is acceptable in terms of having a clean house or raising children. It isn't about motivating your husband to be what you want him to be. It's about accepting a lower standard in your life. Much lower, in my experience. Everyone will be happier.

Well, we will be. And isn't that the key to all motivation? Keeping people happy?

For example, cleaning a house is overrated. To men, it's a waste of time. Logic dictates it just gets dirty again anyway. We take out a bag of garbage and the next day there is another bag of garbage. It never ends. Why not just take out the garbage every second day? We have two arms. And a bag in each hand provides balance, which protects our backs. In fact, we can carry a weeks worth of garbage in most cases. What's the motivation to the daily ritual? Well, none of
course.

And raising children isn't rocket science. All children are little adults that don't have jobs yet. They sponge off us until we can figure out how to get them to leave home. Women seem to want children to have the best of everything. Logically, if you give someone the best, they will never leave. Men, using logic, ignore their children. They will eventually go away.

Men are logical about everything. Women need to use logic if they want to motivate their husbands.

We like sports. A good first step would be to make a game out of housework or parenting. Want your husband to take out the garbage? Put it in a basketball and paint the garbage cans to look like a net. Want us to dust? Duct tape a rag to a model racecar and hold races.

Want us to take care of children? Umm… Good luck with that.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 328: JIMMY Z KNOWS

Dear Useless Men,

WHY do men insist upon wearing socks with sandals??

TLC

Dear TLC,

This is a very simple answer. Although the feeling of sand between toes on a beach is akin to trying to turn a pebble into a pearl, that is not the reason men wear socks with sandals.

Nor does it have anything to do with hiding our feet. Although men are not known for their pedicures, we are known for our smelly feet. Being in an open-toed sandal could certainly help with the odourous foot challenges, and we wouldn’t care two hoots about showing off our fungally challenged yellow-nailed toe-sies.

Men wear socks with sandals to avoid the atrocious tan lines created without them. And to avoid the sock tan lines, we have to pull those socks up to our knees.

What you may not know is how the saying “pull your socks up” started. My mom started it. She once said to me, during a bad class trip in the third grade, that I better “pull my socks up.” I did, literally. The trip didn’t get any better.

However, it did help prevent a bad tan line on me, unlike my class trip buddy, Jimmie Zados*. Jimmie didn’t pull his socks up, and he spent the rest of the summer with bright white bare feet at the end of his strikingly dark legs. The contrast was too much to bear. Do you have any idea how hard it is to just tan your foot? Jimmie does.

So the saying “Pull your socks up” is less about making an effort to do better, but rather more about blending in without striking contrast.

Some people would argue that my Mom did not coin this phrase; that it has been around for a century. While I’m not about to ask my mother her age (I’m Useless, not stupid), I did ask her about the validity of this claim. Like the wise woman she is, she answered my question with another question, “What have I told you about talking back to your Mother?”

A wise woman indeed. How she raised such a Useless son, she’ll never understand. I think she blames my Dad.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

* Jimmy Zedo’s name has been changed to Jimmie Zados to protect his innocence. He never really had a bad tan line, but I haven’t spoken with him since 1989.


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QUESTION # 327: ONE MILLION LINKS

Dear Useless Men,

Hi. I have a little fun at my blog which aims to collect 1 million links through Mr Linky widget. How would you suggest a strategy such that useful links would come to fulfill my useless thoughts?

Million Linky

Dear Million Linky,

The first place I'd look is a chain. At first you'd think that makes no sense, until you take a closer look. See it? A chain is actually composed of hundreds of smaller links! Weird, right? So that's going to get you a bit closer to your goal, but still well off from a million!

Now for the next place, but to decide what it is we need to do a bit of deductive reasoning. So if hot links are sausages, and the best sausages are Polish, then it behoves you to check out Poland. They probably have whole link farms! Miles and miles of 'em! You probably won't have too tough a time either, as history shows us that Poland is none to difficult to just storm right into to take what you want!

There is one more place you should look for lots of links: A cosplay convention.

If you don't know what that is, then it makes this joke all the funnier once you Google it and figure it out.

We signed up, for what that’s worth.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 326: PICTURE HELEN KARAR

Dear Useless Men,

Good Day!!!

My name is Miss Helen Karar,I saw your profile today through a website and it interest me alot,I will appreciate if you can reply this mail via my private email address (helekar1@yahoo.fr),and I will send to you my pictures,so that we can get acquinted.

I believed we can move from here!!!.Remember colour or distance does not matter but LOVE matters alot in life. Pls reply me through my email:helekar1@yahoo.fr

Cheez,
Miss Helen Karar.

Dear Helen Karar,

Thank you for your email. Sorry I haven't kept in touch as often as I should have. And yes I know it's you Aunt Helen. You are the only person named Helen that I know that doesn't spell check her emails.

Now that I have that out of the way, let me start by reminding you that you aren't supposed to contact me on this site. Sheesh. How many times do I have to remind you?

And please, no more pictures. Being able to tuck your breasts into your pants may be appealing to the guys in the Nursing Home, but I just don't want to see it. And the other Useless Men are just starting to be able to hold down their food after the last batch of pictures you sent when you were on vacation in Florida. Personally, I'll never think of nude beaches in the same way again.

You can't move from the Nursing Home. Remember the court order. You agreed to stay put in the Nursing Home. And the police said they would drop the charges if you did. So moving is out of the question. Who is this "we" anyways? Are you plotting something with fellow residents?

What's up with the color and distance thing? Are you still seeing little green men from Planet Zorgon? Haven't they adjusted your meds yet? They aren't real. At least, I don't think they are.

I will be by to see you on Sunday, same as always. And I will bring you some more of the soap. I know you like it a lot. By the way, it's called "DOVE" not "LOVE". Remember, I told you the package was torn. So without the loopy part of the "D" it looked like an "L".

Anyways, I will bring you more. And, this time, don't mistake it for white chocolate. The nurses said it took them forever to clean you up after you ate the last bar.

In the meantime, please use the spell check that comes with your word processing program. And don't talk to the green men any more. They’ll just want your pension cheque and more of those pictures.

Yours truly,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 325: STUBBORN ITCH

Dear Useless Men,

I have a persistent itch in that one spot, you know, that spot that 'taint quite my butt hole and 'taint quite my nuts.

It's driving me crazy. All day long I have this urge to scratch my taint. This often attracts unwanted stares from passersby and looks of utter disgust from other restaurant patrons. But I just can't stop scratching. It itches so badly.

I scratch it when I get up in the morning. I scratch it while I'm in the shower. I scratch it on my way to work. I scratch it while I'm sitting at my desk. I scratch while I'm on the phone. I scratch it after dinner. I scratch it while I watch television. I scratch it before bed. I wake up scratching it during my sleep. I even scratch it while I masturbate.

I've tried all sorts of over the counter remedies for jock itch and other types of itching. Nothing seems to work.

What do you recommend for this situation?

Signed,
"Itchy and Scratchy"

Dear Itchy & Scratchy,

Too often people get caught up in our modern world of miracle tonics and promising ointments to cure their mental and physical problems. Itching can be annoying and yours is one of the most extreme cases I've ever heard about. Don't worry though, as there is a permanent solution to your problem.

I'm glad you indicated when, and where, you scratch yourself because it shows that your daily habits are not interrupted by the itch and that you can continue to perform your duties, contributing positively to our society.

You may not realize that along the social ladder you still perform a required function, but you have a terrible addiction to scratching. This addiction will start to affect your work life first. Co-workers will wonder if you caught something from Alice in Accounting, and her quality of life will diminish as rumours begin to spread. She will slip into a terrible depression, and her family life will suffer. She will stop showing up for work, and accounts will be lost. Your company will suffer, and eventually be forced into receivership.

It sounds terrible, but you can stop this by asking yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is it better to help society, or to help yourself? The answer should be both. If you help yourself, you can help society. By joining a self-help group, like Tender-Area-Scratchers (TAS-A) Anonymous, you will prevent this tragedy from occurring.

Their one-step "Deferral of Pain" program is the easiest to follow. Step one is typically completed on the first night. It entails a trip to a local butcher shop where you'll purchase the Sausage Special. Their exceptionally skilled butcher will give your manhood a quick lob, and you will be amazed at how quickly your brain focuses on that particular pain, and forgets about the nearby itch that once consumed your every waking moment. Your itching problem will be solved forever.

Besides, did you want kids? No? Well, consider it a two-for-one special.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 324: RECIPE FOR SUCCESS

Dear Useless Men,

I have an X who is a manipulating jerk. How can I turn the tables? Do I manipulate him back? Do I plug my ears and hum lallallalala I don't hear you, I don't hear you. How would a Useless Man handle this?

Signed,
Wish I Had a Gun

Dear Wish I Had A Gun (AKA Vengeance Seeker),

The key to handling a situation like this is two fold. The first plan of attack is to limit the ability to manipulate you. This is done by your stopping either any and all contact with him, which in this connected age means living in an enclosure that is severed from all other life, or by simply being more man-like. This may, or may not, involve ceasing to shave, but relies heavily on being manipulation proof through brainpower. Male brains are fairly immune to manipulation because they are pretty oblivious to the world around them.

Most women complain that we are incapable of following simple instructions or completing assigned tasks. While they believe that this is due to our diminutive brainpower, it is actually a result of evolution. Over many generations, men have developed a highly advanced and sophisticated mental filtering pattern that has aided us in our survival in this modern world.

With the mind shattering inflow of data and requests, we only handle the most relevant claims against our time. As such, any attempts at manipulation are simply filed in queue with the other lesser demands against our time. Ranked in order by the perceived urgency of the person who is placing each demand, versus the actual priority to our own selves, it becomes clear what needs to be dealt with first.

When ranked in this way, any manipulative persons will soon lose interest, as you simply don’t get to their attempts soon enough for them stay interested. Manipulative folk are like cats, and their attention will simply flit off to the next shiny thing shortly.

If you are looking for a more traditional method of dealing with the problem, I always suggest revenge. You can go with the more pedantic attempts like rubbing dog turd under car door handles, or the classic flaming bag of poo on a doorstep. Both are effective and males wouldn’t hesitate to do such things.

I would recommend putting a little effort into it. The key to revenge is to make it good, and make it personal. Take his next attempt at manipulation and simply turn it against him. What you do is irrelevant, so long as any and all attempts at manipulation are used against him. He will learn. Like rubbing a dog’s nose in an accident left on the rug, he will soon associate any attempt at manipulation with his own suffering. He will either stop, which I’m assuming is your intention, or he will keep on repeating the same mistake over and over. This will result in your constant entertainment, thereby turning a negative into a positive.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, Id Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 323: DATING STINKS

Dear Useless Men,

My boyfriend has a major problem with BO. We've been dating for a little over 3 months, and it seems as the weather is getting warmer...his pits are getting stinkier. I believe that it is not a question of the effectiveness of his deodorant, as it is a complete lack of using any deodorant at all.

So, really I'm looking for advice on how to tell my boyfriend that he needs to use pit freshener. I'm bringing him to meet my family this weekend and would like to have him smelling fresh and clean, so that I don't get any guff from my family once he's out of earshot about his offensive odor. (Plus, no girl likes her boyfriend to smell like a pile of rotten trash)...

Sincerely,
clothespin nose

Dear Clothespin Nose,

There are a number of things you could try to correct the situation. I'll give you a starter list for now, but if it doesn't correct the problem, please write back.

1) Have you considered moving to the North Pole? If he didn't start smelling until it got hot out then this is a viable option. Even when it gets hot at the North Pole it still feels cold to normal humans. No sweating occurs there. So moving there would quickly eliminate the BO problem.

2) If you can't move that far North, then how about moving to British Columbia in Canada or anywhere in England? The constant rain will wash that BO smell off him. Unless he is also really hairy. In which case, the BO will be gone, but he will likely smell like a wet dog. Which is still an improvement over BO, I guess.

3) Do you like perfume? Most girls do. Even if you don't you should still start bathing in it. The easiest way to cover up one bad smell is with another. Think of those bathroom deodorizers. They all smell really bad. But they take your mind off the other smells in the bathroom.

4) Since he is going with you to visit your parents, why not create a theme for the visit? Make it Clothespin-on-the-Nose Day. Followed by Gas Mask Day. Followed by Who-Can-Stink-the-Most Day. Followed by... Well, you get the picture. Visiting family is really boring for everyone involved so I'm sure that this will be a big hit. And it's far more enjoyable than wasting time talking, like at most gatherings.

5) As a last resort, could you ditch your boyfriend at a lawnmower show, or something, and find a gay man to take to your parents’ house? Gay men always smell good. And your parents aren't likely to catch on. Parents just want their daughters to get married off anyways. Any man will do.

Just as long as someone else is listening to the complaints about relationships and such.

Hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 322: FIRE AND EXPLOSIONS

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men enjoy setting thing on fire and causing explosions?

Miss Cellania

Dear Miss Cellania,

I read your question about fire and explosions over and over again, yet nothing sparked my imagination. I thought I had an idea, but it bombed. I thought long and hard about your question. Yes, very long and very hard indeed. Longer and harder than you could imagine. I just wanted you to know that.

A while later it came to me, in the shower. Why men enjoy explosions…

There are lots of reasons why explosions are so great, but there are three primary reasons that make the whole event far more climactic.

First there's the intense heat. Yeah, men love the heat and the way it makes our skin sweat. Slippery, hot sweat proving that all our hard work has paid off. Yes, sweat all over our bodies, but not the sweat of swinging a sledgehammer, or sitting in a sauna with sagging, prune-y men. No, this is the sweat from the heat of our fiery passion.

Then there's Christmas. Stay with me here. Explosions are kind of like Christmas. Everybody loves the special feeling on Christmas Eve, just before Santa arrives to gives you everything you ever wanted. In fact, many people say the anticipation is better than the actual event. Men love the anticipation. We know what's coming, and love the way that anticipation just keeps building up and up and up, higher and higher, right before the big event.

Then, finally, there's the chance of getting caught. Oh, what a thrill when there's a chance someone will catch you in the act. Hearts beat faster and faster, and adrenaline rushes through our bodies.... KABOOOOOMM!

And the woman thinks to herself, "That's it? What's the big deal?"

I really hope this helps you to better understand your boyfriend or husband, and men in general.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 321: GREEN WITH EDUCATION

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men pick their nose? Why do they choose to do this in public? Do they not realize it embarrasses their spouse when they pick these bad times to pick their nose?

Why can't men use kleenex? Is it so hard to grab a kleenex and go to the bathroom to do "the deed"?

Signed,
A mom who thinks that is disgusted with her husband!

Dear Disgusted,

What I see here is two problems:

First off is the reluctance to admit any progress in the fact that men are constantly told to improve and think of others and the world around them. This can be a challenging ideal for our fragile male minds to get a hold of. The minute any initiative is shown to try and actually do this, the thought gets crushed by a non-comprehending individual, who we will call “you”.

How many times have “you” told your man to get in touch with his feelings? Since most men aren't in touch with them, this is a learning process. Like watching a toddler learn how to deal with anger and conflict, watching your man learning to handle his feelings can be a troublesome process.

First, he has to determine which feelings to take note of, and since touch is the simplest feeling, you have to realize that this holds a challenge of its very own.

The nose is one of the most sensitive appendages on our bodies, and any foreign matter is noticed immediately. Not only does any foreign matter that is caught in there grab an immediate hold of our new found ability to feel, but it will also impede the self improvement process as this feeling will frustrate and annoy the man in question. Knowing that lashing out, and yelling and screaming are not acceptable methods of coping, he is left to remove the offending item and continue with his training.

This leads into the second level of this problem, which is that we men are wasteful by nature. This isn't due to any kind of evil intent, but rather a matter of priority.

Conservation does not come naturally to us. If something is not useful any longer, it needs to be discarded. The need to improve this facet of our male identity is constantly being reinforced by women everywhere. The constant drive to become more "green", if you'll pardon the pun, is the driving force behind this.

We are being trained to recycle and conserve the resources provided to us by "Mother Earth". Believe me when I tell you that most men wouldn't dare mess with any mother, let alone their own.

As a result, there is a boycott of facial tissues of any kind, which men have undertaken in protest to the unnecessary consumption of paper and wood in our world. This is also a stand against the use of all the chemicals that pollute our environment that are generated by the bleaching and softening processes used to get them as soft and snowy white as we have become accustomed.

Next time you see a man with his knuckle pressed up to his septum, don't scold him. Rather, “you” should thank him for his unending effort to reduce, re-use and recycle, while also trying to improve himself by getting in touch with his feelings.

Not only could he use the encouragement to keep him on track, but let's face facts and admit that this is multi-tasking, which is a whole other accomplishment.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 320: SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE

Dear Useless Men,

So, there's a gentleman who I've started to see occasionally. He's a great guy, sweet, thoughtful, and all around "genuine". I should mention that we're both divorced; he's 46 and I'm 37. First couple of times we were together, he said that since he had recently (3 months ago) come out of a relationship, and that he was just looking for a friendship/fun/dating kinda thing.

Suits me, as I ended a relationship recently as well.

I enjoy this man's company. I think he's, well.... falling for me now though. Should I end it, or just try to stay casual?

I do like him.

Thanks in advance for your suggestions!

Signed,
Irresistible, I guess...

Dear Irresistible,

I don’t see what the problem is here. You say he recently came out, so why would you think he is falling for you?

Do you think he was just using his coming out as an excuse to break up from the previous relationship? George Costanza tried to break up a relationship in the same sort of way, while his partner, Jerry, was trying to dispel the very same rumour to continue a relationship he was starting. Neither of the men was successful

Using the “coming out” comes with many risks, the least of which is having to listen to Cher albums. I’ve never understood how this woman could have 5 decades of hits, but then men have been trying to get out of relationships since polygamy was outlawed.

My advice, to see if he is really falling for you, is to stay casual. In fact, get overly casual, particularly with your shoes. Mismatch your shoes with your outfits. When he comments on your shoes, then takes you shopping to help correct your fashion faux pas, then you can relax and know that you have a great sweet, thoughtful and all around “genuine’, in quotations, man.

I, on the other hand, would never know what shoes you should or should not be wearing with any particular outfit. I can’t even think of an example. And that is exactly how you would know that a man like me was interested in you for more than a friendship/fun/dating kinda thing.

You can tell a lot about a man’s shoes.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 319: MOVE YOUR BUTT TO GET A NUT

Dear Useless Men,

Did the Garden of Eden contain squirrels? Or, did the devil sneak them into the landscape after the "apple-eating incident"? I consider them to be a menace and would appreciate your advice on their removal thanks very much.

Unhappy gardener with large tree in backyard

Dear Unhappy Gardener,

The Garden of Eden, according to something some fancy dressed-up guy told me when I was tiny little, was a beautiful place full of wondrous things that were gloriously spectacular. However, those inhabiting the garden were also faced with something not so fantabulous - temptation.

Temptation strikes in everybody's lives, be it as simple as chocolate, a guy selling genuine 'Roleks' watches for a bargain, or little boys who love carousels and whose parents love 80's pop music. Yes, temptation has many faces, both black and white.

This squirrel that harasses you, the one who keeps you awake all night crying about your freshly chewed hostas and nibbled strawberries, has been tempted. Tempted by you.

You have a stalker.

These kinds of stalkers can be dealt with in one of two ways. Both turn out bad. So, really, don't try either of them.

First, attempt to deal with the stalker yourself. Tell the squirrel to leave you alone. Stalkers want contact from you, so he'll think you enjoy the interaction and continue to harass you. You'll think you're doing the right thing, and that he'll eventually leave you alone.

You, however, are wrong. Come winter, he'll break into your house and possibly try to live with you. If you're not properly prepared, he will, in a flicky-tailed frenzy, try to stab you to death with a pointy peanut. It's just a peanut though, so you'll live to tell him "no" again another day. Unless, of course, you're allergic to peanuts. In that case, your story ends here.

If, and when, your stab holes heal after months of recovery in hospital, you should not try the second method. Phone the police and tell them you have a stalker who has attempted to kill you. They will come down to your house to talk with you. All you'll need to do is describe the squirrel to them, “You know, round fuzzy ears, fluffy tail, cute whiskers…”

Tell the officers about the actions that have caused you mental anguish and bodily harm, and be very assertive. Let the boys in blue know you're not kidding around, and you are genuinely scared for your life.

With any luck, they'll take you away with the help of the white-jacket clan, locking your psychotic rear away from society, your family and friends. In your padded cell, you won't have to worry about the squirrel that torments you any longer.

Unless there are trees there.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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