QUESTION # 360: SHARING CHORES

Dear Useless Men,

I love your blog and have learned a lot of good advice while reading it. However, I need some advice of my own now.

My useless husband of 18 years will not clean the toilet. He does the dishes, will vacuum, will even do laundry, scrub out the bathtub but will not touch the toilet.

He sits on it, uses it frequently but will not clean it. I have the tried to subtle approach, leaving it to get all yucky and skanky in the hopes that he will finally take the toilet brush in hand and give it a scrub. I have tried the direct approach - "when are you going to clean the f&%$ing toilet??" but he just smiles and changes the subject.

What can I do? We share all the other chores quite fairly. But this is one that he will not touch. I hate it as much as he does. Why do I have to be the one to cave in and do it??

Please help!
Sincerely,
Scrub me down!

Dear Scrub me down,

Ah yes, the infamous Lazy Husband Syndrome. It’s that again, is it? Or IS it?

You say you share all the other chores quite fairly. Fairly? You’ve listed four major chores in your home, all of which are attributed to your husband. He does the dishes. He does the laundry. He does the vacuuming. He even washes most of the bathroom. It’s only the toilet that he doesn’t clean. I should be so lucky to have a man like that.

Wait. That came out wrong…

I would assume that he sits on the toilet. I would hope that he uses it. What are his other options? Litter trays and newspaper on the floor? You’d be better to put him out in the yard so he can pee behind the bushes. While this would keep your toilet in pristine condition, it would do great harm to your evergreens.

If you want to talk about sharing fairly, the use of the toilet would be a great example. It’s safe to say that you sit on it, and probably use it frequently as well. Since you don’t mention anything regarding the balance of chores in your favour, it begs the question, “What chores are you doing to make the chore sharing ‘fair’?”

I have no other option than to assume your answer. You don’t have to say it out loud. I understand.

To most women, especially those in long term relationships, sex is a chore. Although I’m positive that your husband could have sex all by himself, it would not be a fair sharing of the chore burden if he were expected to do that on top of everything else. Besides, I’m sure you’re on top of this chore as often as necessary.

Clearly, if he doesn’t want to do a chore, like cleaning the toilet, I would expect that you would trade for it. This exchange of chores works to keep the balance of burden in order.

The next time the toilet needs cleaning, which is probably now, let your husband know that you are happy to do it for him, as long as you can give up doing “it” with him. Let the negotiations begin!

Sorry, if I appear cranky. My wife has been too busy cleaning to finish all her chores.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 359: THE SIGN OF BIRD FLU

Dear Useless Men,

I read somewhere that Bird Flu is expected to arrive in the USA or Canada this fall. It said it killed almost 60% of those who got infected. Is it true?

What can we do to avoid it?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Is that your real name? If you are just bad with commas, your name may be Read Somewhere, as in “I, Read Somewhere, …”

Yes, Read Somewhere, you are right. Bird Flu is expected to arrive in the USA on October 3rd, 2006 for their North American tour. Canada is included with a couple of shows but not until December 12, 2006 (with shows only in Toronto and Vancouver).

When it comes to European band tours and CD releases, Canada stills gets shafted. Depending on the groups label, sometimes CD's are released at the same time as in the USA (and always later than the European release dates), but more often than not, Canadians have to wait longer.

The same goes for touring. A lot of times, bands will tour the USA and not Canada. Sometimes, after a few USA tours, they may include some Canadian dates, but that may not be until the bands 3rd or 4th album (Blind Guardian and Trans-Siberian Orchestra are fine examples of this).

Bird Flu is no exception. Their label, Napalm Records, is usually pretty good, but Bird Flu is still new here in North America, and especially Canada.

Bird Flu's new album, "Epidemic", is gaining wide radio play largely due to their increasing popularity in the USA and overseas. During their 2002/2003 tour of the USA, for their 2nd release "West Nile Outbreak" with then label-mates Mosquito Transfer and Infected Crows, Bird Flu garnered favourable exposure. Especially after their disappointing first tour in 2001 for their debut release "Killer Bees" which, despite some early buzz, didn't really spread out. Bird Flu's
"Epidemic" is said to be the bands best work with plenty of music journalists agreeing, and, I quote, "’Epidemic' is killing in Europe with its infectious grooves, spreading like a disease amongst the masses of rabid fans. Bird Flu cannot be contained and will surely ravage the USA come Fall of 2006".

With reviews like that, then we're doomed to be overwhelmed with Bird Flu.

If you are not a fan, I suggest you avoid popular radio stations, MTV, MTV2, MuchMusic and any sort of entertainment show at least until next year, or you risk being over exposed and infected with their viral rhythms.

Trust me. I hate Ace of Base, but I'll be damned if I can't help but sing along to "The Sign".

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 358: FARM ANIMAL SKANKS

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men like to chew things? My nephew chews straws from restaurants, plastic pop bottle tops, assorted other plastic and such, which he picks up here and there (sometimes from the floor even). He is ten so it's not that he's just a baby. My ex-husband would also chew straws and bottle caps and other stuff. Sometimes I wasn't sure what it was he was chewing.

Are they imitating farm animals? Why can't they just chew gum? I know those plastic things can't taste good. Maybe this is their way of recycling plastic. Not that it's working.

Signed,
My Ex-Husband Thinks He's a Cow

Dear My Ex-Husband Thinks He's a Cow,

If your ex-husband thought he was a cow, as opposed to say a bull, you were wise to divorce him. Obviously his mind was on a different herd, one that didn't involve people of “your” herd.

To get an answer to your question, I used all the resources available to me. I decided to ask a dog groomer. Actually, she isn't a real dog grooming person, but she does want to become one when she finishes high school.

She was really angry about the farm animal analogy (after I told her what an analogy is. You know, I often wonder what they are teaching kids in school these days. Not words, that's for sure.)

She was really, really angry. But I told her to get over it. And she did. Eventually. Teenage girls are just so moody. It's a good thing the moodiness disappears when they get older, or they never would get married. At least it usually disappears long enough to trap a man into marriage. Then, the luckier men build a garage and stay in it.

I did get to ask her the question but she didn't seem to know the answer. So, I left her. She was crying at this point, for no apparent reason, although she did mumble something about some boy in her class that didn't seem to like her even though she had done everything in her power to attract his attention. But he liked some other girl. I think the other girl was named Skank. I guess she was named after Hilary Skank, the movie star, although I thought the name was Swank, not Skank.

I'm so out of touch with movie star names.

Next, I asked my friend Paul. Paul is actually a psychologist. Well, he tells the girls he meets he is a psychologist. Actually, he works in sanitation, but he was chewing on a plastic army man. So, who better to ask?

Paul listened to my question. Then he told me about some girl he had met the night before. Apparently, she was a stewardess who also works as a clerk in a second hand store between flights. He's seeing her again on Friday and he thinks she may be "the one".

Paul thinks every girl he meets may be "the one". I think he has a defective brain or something. Who would want to go out with a girl who is lying about being a stewardess, when clearly she isn't? No fake psychologist would. Except Paul. He cracks me up sometimes.

Then a cute girl was coming toward us. I popped a plastic bottle cap in my mouth and started chewing so I wouldn't say anything stupid to her. I think she appreciated it. She was grinning at us as she passed by.

Paul never did tell me the reason for plastic chewing, but I'll keep trying to find out the answer for you. I can lend you a partially chewed bottle cap to chew on while you wait, if you want?

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 357: ESOTERIC CONVERSATIONALISM

Dear Useless Men,

Sometimes when I am out and about, people will talk to me. As distressing as this is, there is something even more perturbing than even this... I don't understand what they are communicating. I understand the denotation perfectly but not the connotation. So, we will have a lovely conversation about those grapefruits in the bowl and later some good Samaritan will inform me that I have just had a terribly inappropriate conversation! How dirty can pouring honey all over the grapefruits and licking it off be? It was a childhood favourite of mine! Can you help me in my never-ending quest for more useless knowledge! Will you let me into this esoteric world of nudging and giggling?!?

A Pariah at Parties

Dear PAP,

Connotations are highly overrated, and in helping you come to understand them I would be denying my responsibilities as a card-carrying member of the Society For Ridding the World of Hidden Meanings. As you can see, the name of our group cannot be reduced to a simple acronym; that was our first step. When words carry meaning beyond that for which they were intended they convolute the language. This leads to all sorts of misunderstandings.

In order to help you understand my point, try and derive the proper meaning from the following exchanges.

Fred: Oh yeah, Francine? Baby got back, lemme tell ya. I could ride her all day.
Sam: I hear you buddy. I just love to run my hands through her dark hair when I'm on top.
Fred: I know how you feel. You know how one time I even got her to finish first.

Got it yet? These two men are obviously jockeys debating their shared knowledge of a racehorse named "Francine."

Let's try another.
Mary: Hey there goes officer Bob. I'd sure like him to file my police reports.
Julio: Hey hey hey! Hands off! I hear he plays for the other team. He's mine.
Mary: Are you serious! It's always the good ones.

Clearly Julio is an agent for Internal Affairs warning Mary against entrusting sensitive documents with Bob, a suspected dirty cop. We'll try one more.

Gloria: I don't know if I can fit all this in there!
Kris: Look you're not the first woman to tell me that. You'll just have to stretch it out first.
Gloria: But what if the kids hear what we're doing?
Kris: Hey, that ain't my bad. I only came here to do one thing.

Time's up! If you guessed that Gloria is unsure of whether or not all of Santa's presents will fit in her child's stocking then you're correct! Good job!

You see we don't need help in understanding the filthy connotations we apply to language, we need help eliminating them altogether. So if you passed this little test with flying colors, well by golly then you're doing you're part. If, however, you felt that some other meaning was being conveyed in them then shame on you.

Shaaaaame.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 356: PARKS CANADA

Dear Useless Men,

I have a question. Is Canada even still a country? I thought we bought you for the parking.

-- Cash

Dear Cash,

You don't say what country you are from so I'm assuming you are from Nigeria. And just so you know, I'm onto your scams. All Canadians are. In future, please forward your mail to the United States. They haven't caught on to them yet. In fact, we are still running successful scams on them as I type this. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, which, I think, is quite popular down south of the border.

We do have lots of parking in Canada, though. We are quite willing to let you park your vehicles in our country. For a fee. Our current rates are $2.00/ hour, or $47.99/ day. Most people opt for the full day parking for the savings.

We are not responsible for lost or stolen stuff, either. This includes the loss of your vehicle, which most parking lots will sell back to you for a very fair price (usually just 3/4 of current value).

In addition, we offer a battery boosting service to get your vehicles started again, should you ever need it. And with our almost year-round winter, you likely will. The fees for this service are also reasonable, just $100/ boost.

Oh, and we want to be paid in Euros. They are much more valuable than U.S. dollars. And they are accepted worldwide. Well, worldwide except in most of North America. And Asia. And South America. And Africa.

But some European countries do use them, as does Antarctica and that's good enough for us.

So, to sum up, let me just say that Canada is still an independent country and we do offer parking.

In fact with all the money we make from parking, most of us get to retire to Florida, or other lesser U.S.A. states.

Please send us your cars. And trucks. And expensive bicycles. Heck, you can even send us your attractive women*. We will park them all. For a reasonable fee, of course.

Oh, and learn to type U.S.A. on your correspondence. You will make far more money.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man

* Food and clothing for women is extra


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QUESTION # 355: INTERIOR DESIGN DILEMMA

Dear Useless Men,

I am in the process of redecorating and my husband likes to help. We have a lot of similar tastes ... colour for instance, we both like it. However, we have a hard time coming together to make a cohesive plan. I like French Country; he likes Clean Modern. I, for instance, want fresh Nantucket Seaside (think Martha) for our basement. He wants a Green Bay Packers Bar Sign and what I can only describe as black, black and more black for the "entertainment area" (sky high speakers, big TV and black leather chairs).

How can we best compromise?

Signed,
Currently Clashing

Dear Currently Clashing

Upon reading this question, I did not come easily to the answer. I had to toss around a few bits of deductive reasoning before the answer hit me. First off, you are redecorating; your husband is renovating. Men don't decorate. If you want more help from your husband, which means getting him out of your hair, continue referring to the project as redecorating, and make sure he's clear you're not renovating. Secondly, we all know you don't want to compromise, so let's drop the niceties.

I thought I figured out the problem when you mentioned "Think Martha" and I briefly considered that you both liked green for the basement. I figured, since Martha was guilty of Stock Conspiracy (which translates into money), and money is green, and your husband is a Green Bay Packers fan, also green, this is a cinch. I figure the problem is which shade of green. Money green or Green Bay Packers green? Then I wised up.

The problem here is not about compromise. It's not about redecorating or renovating. It's not even about colour. The problem is, you are a New England Patriots fan packaged in a Home & Garden woman. It was your preference for Nantucket Seaside that tipped me off.

Once I realized that I had no idea what fresh Nantucket Seaside was, it hit me. Nobody knows what fresh Nantucket Seaside is! It got me thinking, why would she be so dead against her husbands Green Bay Packers Bar? Tackiness aside, it must be because she's a Patriots fan.

Voila! .. That's French Country talk for "there you have it".

What you need to do is let your husband renovate the basement with the black on black leather furniture and home theatre surround sound system, but only if you can redecorate one corner in fresh Nantucket Seaside (aka your Patriot’s Bar). Your husband will have no idea what you're talking about and will gladly agree because he scored a new home theatre system.

The Coup D’Etat, if I can steal another French Country phrase, this time from Big Brother 7: All Stars, would be watching him as he fidgets uncomfortably with his buddies while watching the Patriots play while sipping some fine drinks from New England Brewing Company's brew line, like Elm City Lager, Atlantic Amber, or even better, Sea Hag IPA, served ice cold from the tap of your New England Patriots bar, or as the ladies call it, fresh Nantucket Seaside!

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother

PS - If you're husband asks, tell him The Occasional Useless Gal made you do it.


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QUESTION #354: GOOD BLOGGERS DON'T

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men insist on farting out loud all the time. I know that this is a normal bodily function and the gas has to come out....but why can't they excuse themselves to the bathroom? Are men really that lazy? Do they think we want to hear that crap? Honestly, what's the deal? And what is the deal with the crap-eating grin they get after they rip a really big one? Are all men 12 years old on the inside, or is it just the ones I have dated in the past?

Rebekah

Dear Rebekah,

Men insist on farting out loud all the time because the other alternative for them is to fart quietly. This unleashes the stealthy menace of the SBD (Silent, But Deadly fart), possibly the most divisive force on the planet (just behind Barney the Dinosaur) and unkind beast in search of the next fartality.

Why don't they do it in the bathroom? Simple. There is no clear reason to do so. The sink and the tub are for washing things, and the toilet is for receiving that which can be flushed. With no ability to wash away the smell, or flush the offending odour, this is the worst possible place to vent. Not only can you do nothing, you have then trapped yourself in a small, enclosed space with this malevolent aroma. Not only is it a concentrated assault on the senses, but it also ruins the appeal of the best reading room in the house. The poor guy will end up in the bathroom shortly, so leave him a few minutes of prep time. He's not out to kill you; just trying to select which reading material it will be this time.

In answer to your age related question, I can assure you that all men are twelve-years old on the inside, whether they have dated you or not. As you have no doubt learned from the stench, most men are about 102 years old on the inside, or 12 years past dead, and the internal decomposition results in the unrepentant gases that issue forth from the posterior region.

And what can I say about the grin? That is just relief, and nothing untoward at all.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 353: VIDEO HOSTING PARTY

Dear Useless Men,

Good afternoon,

I am currently working with Merck to help build awareness around a hilarious new series of spots called The Stunners. These videos provocatively, yet subtly, insinuate that it might be time – for some men – to have a conversation with a doctor about Male Pattern Hair Loss. The first video of this series has been released on the web, and I wanted to let you know in the event that you wanted to host the spot on your site.

While we are not in the position to offer an ad buy, I think your readers will appreciate the fact that the videos are entertaining. I can email the Windows Media version of the first spot for you to download and review. The videos are around 12 MB, so here are the YouTube links – I don’t want to crash your email if the files are too large:

While the spot adds a humorous spin to a rather sensitive and serious issue, I think this video will encourage discussion about hair loss and potential treatment options and ultimately serve as a therapeutic and resourceful catalyst of dialogue for the majority of your readership.

Please just shoot me a quick email if you think you might be interested in hosting these videos – or any subsequent Stunners videos – on your site. We have some pretty cool Stunners t-shirts that we can send you as a thank you, and we really hope that we can work something out.

I appreciate it greatly,

Ashkon Eslami
New Media Strategies, Inc.

Dear Ashkon,

Thanks for visiting Useless Advice from Useless Men. We’re always happy to be a host. If you host a party, at least you get invited…

But there are a few rules of etiquette when it comes to hosting. Although, we’re happy to have you at our place, let’s look at the rules of etiquette when it comes to hosting.

Being a Useless Man, but having an internet connection, I was able to find an article called Etiquette: Being a Good Host, which spelled out the following:

Being a good host is not that difficult if we follow two very important, yet simple rules.

Rule #1: You invite, you pay: So, plan on providing all of the refreshments and food. Never expect gifts.

Rule #2: You invite, you entertain: Plan to keep your guests entertained by inviting interesting people with similar views. Interact with your guests and ensure they are comfortable… They shouldn't have to ask for anything.

Regarding Rule #1: Since you are inviting us to host your videos, you would have to pay. I have no idea what you’d be paying for, but if there is any cost to us, we’re not going “dutch” on this date. Also, we won’t expect gifts, but feel free to surprise us. Perhaps we should ignore the whole gift rule in lieu of the "you pay" exception here.

Regarding Rule #2: Thanks for providing the entertainment vis-a-vie your humorous videos regarding a sensitive topic. While these videos will certainly allow the guests at our site to converse in comments about the topic of Male Pattern Baldness, I’m not entirely sure it will make everyone “comfortable”.

And since we shouldn't have to “ask for anything”, can we discuss that t-shirt offer now? I'm an XL.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 352: NEW CAR SMELL

Dear Useless Men,

I recently ran into a display of spray can's of "New Car Smell". It was in one of the aisles of the DIY store, in the car utilities section. Two seemingly adult guys were actually admiring the display, trying out the cans, and had a pretty euphoric twinkle in their eyes while they were discussing the sublimeness of the "New Car Smell" spray cans.

What is it about New Car Smell that is so great anyway and WHY would you want to buy it in a spray can?

Smelly Dutchy

Dear Smelly Dutchy,

Your question really brings back some great memories. Thank you for reminding me when, way back in high school, the spray can of "New Car Smell" was a fairly new product. My friend's mom, (I swear I had a friend (I swear he had a mom)) obsessed with new products, rushed out and bought a can of it. She was thoroughly disgusted, however, when she sprayed her car full of "New Car Smell".

The smell that was placed inside the can, you see, was not a "New Car Smell" at all. In fact, it was pretty much the most opposite you could get from a "New Car Smell". Instead of fresh fabrics and intoxicating glue smells titillating the senses, the "New Car Smell" smelled like rotting, fungusy, rank old sneakers.

Yep. It's true.

Someone at 3M, or wherever that spray was made, was certainly having a chuckle. Smell scientists worked very hard to combine the correct chemicals in that can. But another, bespectacled, perpetually bed headed scientist named Billy, who was equally nerdy to the other scientists, must have tampered with their chemical potpourri, perhaps as some sort of joke. I suspect it was in retaliation for the time they all went to the Sci-Fi Convention and the other two scientists sewed an original series Starfleet insignia over top of Billy's Next Generation Starfleet insignia. Oh, the unbearable humiliation.

Anyway, back in those high school days, we sure had a lot of fun spraying rank, cheese-sneaker “New Car Smell” scent in everyone's cars. It was the final humiliation in the ultimate defense to any testosteronally-charged attack. Every indoor-water-gun-fight-smear-chocolate-all-over-the-super-nintendo-ram-12-rolls-of-toilet-paper-into-the-toilet battle was defeated with one sentence:

"Stop it or I'll spray New Car Smell all over your car!"

Yes, the “New Car Smell” put an end to many a catastrophe before it even began, forcing an entire generation to drive everywhere with the windows rolled down, even in the dead of winter.

In fact, I started heard a rumour that “New Car Smell” was so bad that they had to change the formula because it was being used as a bio-chemical agent in SCUD missiles. Which makes sense: if “they” really wanted to end the Middle-East crisis, someone would have threatened to spray “New Car Smell” onto one of the offending countries.

So, unless you saw a great big sign on that display that said "New and Improved Smell", I'd start worrying about those guys you dumped in high school, and I'd be really nice to the rest of the men you know for a while.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder



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QUESTION # 351: A FAIRYTALE IN THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION

Dear Useless Men,

I was recently dating a man that I really liked, was attracted to, and with whom I had a lot of good things in common. We took dating slowly and casually, and we got to know each other pretty well over the course of two months. I thought this was a sign that we were developing something special.

However, I decided to stop seeing him when I learned that he had called off a two year relationship shortly before we met and that he wasn't interested in "jumping into another relationship," nor in continuing to take things slowly while being exclusive. ("I'm not out at night looking to date other women, but I just can't make that kind of commitment right now.") My break-up message to him was simple: I really care about you, but we're in different places; you're still getting over a relationship and I'm looking for one. I added that if/when his situation changed and he was looking for more, and if he was still interested, I would be happy to hear from him then.

My question to you is, should I hold out any hope of hearing from him? I realize that I can't wait around for him to move on from his past relationship, and I'm trying to move forward, but I'm still curious whether fairy tale guy-thinks-of-girl-and-decides-to-call-her-after-the-fact scenarios can happen in real life… especially when it's obvious there was a genuine, mutual connection.

Al

Dear Al,

You have found yourself in a true head versus heart dilemma. While your head says go, your heart holds out hope. I suppose this is where men and women differ.

If it’s fairy tales you want, keep kissing frogs. Then again, that’s not even a safe bet. They use tongue. I have heard of this waiting around phenomenon, but only in movies, such as Barbie’s “The Princess and the Pauper.” But I think the Prince hanging around waiting was more about girl empowerment issue than based in real life.

In real life, while women have a decent sense of understanding, men have the daily struggle of dealing with a split mind on many topics. As Robin Williams explained, “God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.”

I hate revealing all of men’s little secrets, but I’ve never been good with secrets. If your man-friend (“boyfriend” seems so childish) says, “I’m not out at night looking…”, he may mean that he’s out during the day. Grocery stores, libraries, churches are all good daytime places to meet ladies. In fact, daytime meetings are the best times to find girls.

Consider this: It’s 2:30AM and you find yourself in the frozen food department of your local 24-hour grocer. You see a man in the same aisle. Aren’t you a bit suspicious as to WHY this man is buying a Hungry Man Salisbury Steak at 2:30AM? Even more suspicious is the way he keeps eyeing you. You end up getting carry out service for your tub of Ben & Jerry’s to be sure you aren’t followed to your car.

Take that same scenario, and place it at 2:30PM. The same man is getting his Hungry Man, and you, your ice cream. You see him in the afternoon in a busy supermarket, and you somehow feel safer. The poor man doesn’t have anyone to cook him a meal, so you make the bold move to ask him to dinner instead. He accepts, and you live happily ever after.

What is the guy thinking during all this? Well, a woman that is out at 2:30AM looking for ice cream is likely PMSing, which is fascinating like a car wreck, so he can’t help but stare at her cranky hair and mismatched tracksuit. Even if you do look hot in that outfit, eating all that ice cream every month isn’t going to give you any LESS junk in the trunk, if you know where I’m going.

If you want to hold out hope, do so without the Chunky Monkey. When the “little” brain figures out he can’t score at church or the library, he’ll call. And you can make him a hot meal.

The way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach, but his brain spends 50% of the time in his pants.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 350: BEDDING REALITY: PART II

Dear Useless Advice,

Please let me know if you'd be interested in doing a story/mention on Reality Bedding, a concept sure to change home decor forever.

Thanks and look forward to speaking with you soon.

Stan Grabish
Founder of Reality Bedding

Dear Stan,

I found your email shredded in the bowels of the trademarked Advice Randomizer during our weekly cleaning, so i thought I'd give you an answer to your question.

I am curious about your bedding concept, but not sure if I could do a story on it.

You see, what really intrigues me about your bedding is that you call it "Reality Bedding" which implies that all other bedding isn't real. And that got me thinking: If my bedding isn't real, then what the heck have I been sleeping on for the past few decades?

I was convinced that I didn't imagine my bedding so I decided to try an experiment. I went home to see if my bedding was real, and it indeed felt real. The cat's puke stains looked real. And when I licked it, the awful feeling of fur on my tongue, which caused me to dry heave, seemed real enough. Still, I believed you.

Being a man, and a useless one at that, I know that I can make mistakes. So I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I didn't wake up, but I felt a surging, pulsating pain in my butt cheek.

Then I remembered something. Most people who believe they're dreaming ask someone else to pinch them. The pinch is historically done to the back of the arm, between the elbow and shoulder. So I had my neighbour pinch me in that precise location. Still, nothing happened so I came to the conclusion that I was awake.

So, if I am awake, does that make my bedding real? I thought that perhaps my bedding was a figment of my imagination. I asked my neighbours to come into my bedroom and tell me if they could see my duvet cover. When they all told me yes, I was suspicious. I thought perhaps I was still dreaming and that my subconscious was telling me exactly what I wanted to hear.

This gave me another idea. I decided to phone up Paris Hilton and ask for a date. When I finally got through to her agent, I was abruptly told to take a hike because I was " a nobody". As you know, Paris Hilton will go out with anyone. So if she won't go out with me, I'm a huge nobody.

So, with third party confirmation that I am nothing, it essentially means I'm non-existent. Therefore, if I wrote a story about your reality bedding, one of three things might happen. Possibility a) The story would only exist in my mind and would never be seen by anyone else. Possibility b) Because I don't exist, the story would not exist, so writing it would be a total waste of my time. Possibility c) "Reality" bedding, being "real" and made up of molecules of matter, colliding with a non-existent me, being made up of the opposite (antimatter) would cause the entire universe to implode, destroying all humanity along with the story.

In conclusion, I don't think I could do a story on your reality bedding because I'm not sure if I even exist. Sorry.

Sincerley,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 350: BEDDING REALITY

Dear Useless Advice,

Please let me know if you'd be interested in doing a story/mention on Reality Bedding, a concept sure to change home decor forever.

Thanks and look forward to speaking with you soon.

Stan Grabish
Founder of Reality Bedding

Dear Stan,

Absolutely not! I don't make any suppositions about you and your perverse ilk, sir--and I do use the term loosely--but upstanding gentlemen like myself and my colleagues will never adorn our mattresses with such pornography. Sure, pornography has its place, like on the computer or spliced into nanosecond long sequences in Disney's animated features, but on the bed?

Reprehensible.

I imagine we should just, you know, get a big laser and, what, etch a twenty-mile high boob into the side of the moon, huh? A boob? Twenty miles high? On the side of the moon? I bet you'd like that.

I'm sorry that the X-ray goggles you ordered out of the back of your Aquaman comics didn't actually let you see through girls' shirts. Yeah, I'm sorry you never got to see little Susie Wilson's training bra. But we will not, I repeat, not aid you dispersing such opprobrious filth into the general populace.

You've got a lot of nerve mister. As a man, and as a human being, I am here, emphasizing my point in italics, that we will do no such thing. I am placing this electronic mail into our trademarked Advice Randomizer for shredding, never to be seen in public again.

To you, I say good day, sir!

I say good day!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 349: GIRL ON GIRL ACTION

Dear Useless Men,

Why are most women so boring to hang out with? When my husband and his brothers all get together for an outing, the wives are expected to hang out together too. But I don't enjoy hanging out with the women who only want to talk about babies and clothing and home decor and all of that crap.

I'd rather hang out with the guys! They have so much more fun! For me, hanging out with the women is TORTURE! And going to baby showers? Don't even get me started! I feel like how a guy would feel if he were forced to go to a baby shower: calm looking on the outside but screaming, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" on the inside! What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm sending this question in to several 'advice' sites because I really need as much advice on this matter as possible!

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

It is a common misconception that girl-on-girl action is the best. This is a myth propagated by a certain movie industry that shall remain nameless unless we get crushed under a tide of comments and emails regarding medications, instructional videos and battery powered toys.

While this romantic view of the world is nice, it is largely inaccurate. Women seem to enjoy gathering in groups, even going to the bathroom in packs. The real reason for this is the harsh reality that while women say that men cannot grow up, it is actually the women who are stuck in their younger days. Men soon grow beyond the concept of community and shed their desire to keep up with the Jones’. They soon learn that life can be fun if they acquire power tools, toys and shiny things.

Women take the sense of self and community that is installed in a young age and hone it into a pecking order of the highest degree. Why do they pee in groups? Simply because they are afraid that harsh things will be said when they leave on their own. It’s better to take one or two with you, and say harsh things about the ones left behind, than to get fragged on your own, right? While the women are busy judging one another, and checking out each other's outfits, they forget to slate in some time for fun.

Men prefer to forgo all the drudgery, skipping straight (if one can straightly skip) to the fun stuff. If we wear the same thing as each other, we simply point it out to everyone in a 5-mile radius to get that awkwardness out of the way. That way we can quickly we can get on with the farting and enjoying ourselves.

Men can do this because we aren't worried about what other guys think. This is a concept that can frighten many women, but ultimately will make those that can get past the gender shock really enjoy themselves. Any woman capable of getting out with the guys, and enjoying herself, will find that any subsequent outings with the girls will seem petty and tedious afterwards. This will only sharpen with each outing with the boys.

If you just skipped to the conclusion, there is nothing wrong with you, other than the fact that you are trapped in a woman's body. We won't judge you for that. Me might ogle a little, but we won’t judge. We're too busy having fun.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 348: DIY BODY SHOP

Dear Useless Men,

A while back, a cab driver hit the back of my car and scraped the paint off of my fender. I got the cabbie's name and phone number and was supposed to call the following Monday when I got an estimate to repair the damage.

However, I was lazy and didn't take it in to be fixed. It has now been over two months. Should I take my car to be fixed and call the cabbie to pay for the bill, and if so, can you recommend a good body shop?

Sincerely,
The Procrastinator

Dear The Procrastinator,

First off, good luck to you on "Who wants to be a Superhero?" The Procrastinator, fighting crime! .... eventually ...! Great stuff. What's Stan Lee like? Is he like the Hulk? Spidey? Stripperella? Ah, but that's not why you stopped by.

Comic Book Guy? Comic Book Guy, right? Sorry. Let's move on.

Congratulations. You are Useless. Frankly, I'm impressed at just how lazy you are. Some guy scrapes the paint off your fender and you just let them. Wow.

Actually, you probably did the right thing. I'm surprised you even got his information (which is probably fake anyway). You should throw that info out and just get your car fixed. Any guy going around scraping paint off cars has got to be a few squirrels short of a bullwinkle.

Anyway, the cabbie has probably forgotten about it by now. Sheesh. He scrapes paint off cars, probably does a couple dozen a day. He probably figures, since you didn't even stop him in the first place, he might as well give you his info, cause you sure as heck won't follow up.

As far as body shops go, if you're a NASCAR fan, there is an Earnhardt Auto Body Shop, if you're spiritual, we have "Faith" Auto Body Shop. There are also Tom, Dick, and Harry Auto Body Shops.

But my wife highly recommends The Body Shop. She says they have a wide assortment of cover-ups and foundations which I'm sure are great for scratch and dents. They also carry various age-defying wrinkle reducing crèmes, which I assume are for paint bubbles. But what you're looking for is probably the make-up section, which has loads of colours and shades of F.A.C.E. (For All Car Exteriors) paints. They even come with all kinds of tools and applicators to apply it. Just browse around and put together a package that suits your cars needs.

Good luck! Y'know… whenever you get around to it.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 347: DRINKING CHRISTIE BRINKLEY’S COFFEE

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men cheat? Specifically, men like Christie Brinkley's husband? How much better can you get than Christie?

Uptown Girl

Dear Uptown Girl,

Three questions? I’m doing a happy dance…

1) Why do men cheat?
Answer: I don't know.
2) Specifically, men like Christie Brinkley's husband?
Answer: See answer to first question.
3) How much better can you get than Christie?
Answer: See answer to second question.

Anyways, lets talk about something I know lots about. Coffee. I like coffee. In fact I like it so much that I own a coffee pot. And every morning I drink coffee to wake myself up. And every evening I drink coffee before bed. So I can get up a bunch of times to go pee I guess..

But, a while ago a coffee place opened in my neighborhood.

At first I resisted going to the coffee place. I own a coffee maker for goodness sake.

But, eventually I went in. Just to check the place out. And before I knew it I had purchased a coffee. It was a Café Kahlua. And it was like the supermodel of coffees. So sweet and coffeeish. And it had whipped cream on top. What could possibly be better than Café Kahlua. Well, nothing, of course.

And so began my affair with Café Kahlua. Slowly at first. But then more and more cups. I just couldn't get enough.

Meanwhile I still drank coffee at home. And most of the time it was good. Not as exciting as the fancy coffee. But it did serve the purpose.

Eventually, I got tired of the Café Kahlua. It was still great tasting. But it was expensive. And it hurt my teeth. Too much sugar.

So I went back to making coffee at home. And I vowed to never drink another fancy coffee again.

And I broke that vow the next day when I discovered that the fancy coffee place had many other choices. Sure they were different. But they each had something that attracted me.

Anyways, sorry I don't have any answers for you. I don't have any ideas why men, or women for that matter, cheat. And I have no idea why someone married to Christie Brinkley would ever consider cheating on her. I know I wouldn't. She's a supermodel for goodness sake. And nothing could be better than a supermodel.

Well, time for more coffee. But which kind to have…?

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 346: AN OCCASIONAL USELESS DEBATE

Dear Useless Men,

How useless are women? Just wanted to know if u had any useless answers about us the fairer and better (lol) sex?

Parnellpr

Dear Parnellpr,

Ah yes, the fairer and better sex. Indeed we are. Women, being the opposite of men, the ying to their yang, are logically useful, yes?

Silly men. You are clearly useless if you believe logic is any sort of reliable indicator when dealing with women. The only real rule is that we women reserve the right to change the logic, change the rules, change the reality whenever we want to. You fellas are too useless to do anything about it, so we always get our way.

But while we're on the subject, there are some useless traits common to women that I'd like to rail about. The first one is nagging. Women nag. We nag our men folk. We nag each other. Heck, we even nag the dog. Nothing good ever comes out of nagging, so we need to scratch that habit ASAP.

Secondly, if all those Ipsos-Reid polls are to be believed, we ladies still do the lion(ess)'s share of cooking, cleaning, and child rearing. Really, what's the bloody point? I clean as little as possible - after all, my apartment will just get dirty again. I can't be arsed to cook, either. What for? I'll just get hungry again. As for changing diapers? That new diaper is just going to get filled with poop again. It's like banging your head against a brick wall, folks. We need to drop those useless habits as quickly as possible ladies - a band-aid solution to dirtiness and hunger is no solution at all!

Finally, we women need to get rid of that ubiquitous compulsion to improve our men folk. You see the signs all the time: once a guy gets a woman in his life, suddenly he starts bathing regularly, eating his 5-10 servings of vegetables a day, and remembering social niceties like sending birthday cards or showing up with a hostess gift.

It's all for naught, girls.

You might have been able to dress him up in that ridiculous Christmas-motif sweater, but the minute you turn your back to go on a business trip, he'll be back to his original form: wearing that worn and stained undershirt, sitting on the couch scratching himself regardless of who is watching, brushing his teeth weekly, and not making a grocery list before he goes to the supermarket. Face it, ladies: if he wasn't housebroken when you got him, it's too late to start. Yet another useless endeavour we pour millions of (wo)man-hours into every year.

In picking out areas for improvement, I, as a woman, am being useful. Unless I'm really only complaining with no intention of following through on my recommendations, which makes me useless. Women: useful? Useless? A bit of both? A different one each day? You decide.

In the meantime, I'm going to go nag my dog.

Sincerely,
The Occasional Useless Gal


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QUESTION # 345: SUPERGIRL BUYS A CAR

Dear Useless Men,

My husband and I are trying to buy a new car, rather unsuccessfully at that.

Why do car salesmen have to be such jerks? Is there some secret car salesman training camp that verses potential salesmen on how to be a no good lying cheating scum bag?

Know of any way to beat them at their own game? I really want this car!

Sincerely,
Minivan Mom

Dear Minivan Mom,

The problem here is what I call the “Two-Year-Old Syndrome”. The only reason you want this car is because he's got it. And since he's got something you want, he's got the power. He is acting like a 2-year-old, and doesn't want to give the car to you.

What you need to do is turn the tables on Mr. Salesman. You have to gain control of the power, make him want something you've got, make him think "that mother wants another! Rowrrrr!" You have what men want. Woman stuff.

To enhance your woman stuff, you must wear something men like. Most men, car salesmen in particular, as noted in a recent study done by a legitimate marketing group, happen to enjoy tight clothing. Therefore, in order to gain the power, wear something really tight. Like leotards. You could also shop in the petites or juniors departments for a little toppy to go with your 'tards. Don't think of it as super tiny, or super slutty. Think of it as super-power enhancing.

Also, men like things that are big, if you know what I mean. Think porterhouse steaks, pickup trucks, and Macs. We don't want no medium Macs. We want Big Macs. So - you know what to do. Yes, do your hair up really huge, a la Peggy Bundy.

Now you'll really get his attention. Dressed like this, there is no possible way he can't notice you. The power struggle will begin here, and end with a test drive. Before he gives you the keys, walk around the car and bend over. A lot. You will gain power by bending over a lot. Lots of power. Stand beside the wheel and ask him about the nuts. Feel the power surging within you?

Once you're out on the road, ask sexy questions like "Does it come with a stick shift?" Put much emphasis on the word “stick”. Or “shift”. Or “does”. Either way, at this point, he'll be confused, drooling, and won't likely hear a word you're saying.

You've won. You have the power. And with great power comes great responsibility.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 344: REVOLUTIONARY PEANUTS

Dear Useless Men,

Damn.

I mean, if you guys are so useless, why do you write so much in your responses to readers' questions?

After the second paragraph, y'all start to sound like the grownups in a "Peanuts" tv special. "Wah wah wah wah wah".

You may be useless, but you sure are smart... good luck with the furniture thing.

KATHLEEN

Dear KATHLEEN,

I love Peanuts. They’re great. I can’t wait to open the funny pages each weekend and see what’s up with that crazy Brown kid and all his homies. I hope Charles Schultz keeps Peanuts going forever, although a few times I think I’ve read the same joke more than once.

I know you’re probably expecting a WAH WAH WAH joke at this point, but read on! It is the second paragraph, after all.

Did you know that Peanuts are a silent killer? It’s true.

In schools all around the country, Peanuts are banned. I don’t know if there are any other comic strips not allowed in schools, but I know that Peanuts are a no-no. Maybe it is some sort of fascist decision to be sure that kids don’t try to dispense their own psychiatric advice without proper qualifications? Leave that to the Useless Men.

Maybe they don’t want kids to grow up with an attachment disorder with blankets? Not everyone has a dog that can steal the blanket away.

Maybe Peanuts are banned because of Lucy’s bullying on the football field with Charlie? Do we really want our kids to hurt themselves trying to kick a football? I don’t.

Maybe it’s the nudity. In the summertime, Charlie B and his friends play baseball. Sooner or later, a ball gets hit up the middle and leaves poor Chuck in the dust, disrobed and disheveled.

Perhaps the schools ban Peanuts because of cutbacks to social functions. Do you want kids learning of the good old days when students went to school dances, or held Christmas pageants, instead of winter festivals? This is supposed to be a generation for tomorrow, not one mired in the past.

With all the cuts to the music programs, do we really want to see a child in the comics enjoying the sounds of Beethoven or Bach? As John Lennon once said,

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

You tell me that its evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

To the school boards point, I heard John wasn’t a grade A student …

Having said all that, I did learn that some students have actually died from Peanuts in schools. And, to me, that’s not funny. And if it’s not funny, I can only respect their decision not to have funny pages in school.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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CLOSED MONDAY

Just to let everyone know, Useless Advice From Useless Men will be closed Monday for the Canadian Civic holiday. We will return to our usual uselessness on Tuesday.

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QUESTION # 343: TASTES LIKE LEATHER

Dear Useless Men,

Why are men (myself included here) occasionally compelled to say something extremely stupid, insensitive, and/or brain dead to our significant others?

Signed,
Shoots self in foot with mouth

Dear Foot,

Fret not, my friend, as you are a member of very non-exclusive club known as “male”. While it is common knowledge among ladies that you don't ask a man his opinion unless you already given him one, we will still answer with our own answer first.

Any fallout that comes from the wrong answer, while seen as a failing of the male to be sensitive, should be seen as a failing of the person asking for an opinion in the first place. Obviously, they weren't really looking for an answer to their question, or they would have accepted yours and moved on. This does not cover random comments that we know we shouldn't make, but do. Nor does it cover the real question, why do we do it?

The truth is that the adage that we only have enough blood to run one head at a time is actually true. Women say that we think with our “dangly bits” but they don't realize the extent of it. Not only is this why we are able to come up with such zingers, but it is why we use these for our gain.

“What gain?” you might ask. The gain of sex.

It may seem that saying hurtful or stupid things may not lead to sex, but hear me out. Every man knows that there is no sex like angry sex. It is full of passion, competition, and one upmanship that are not common in the bedroom (outside of the good old fashioned "rodeo sex", if you find a clown nose). This is especially appealing to those that have been in a relationship, or marriage, for a while, as the sex can get a little repetitive sometimes.

This may just be the spark required to get things a little crazy. If the sex isn't immediately forthcoming, you have to understand that this isn't a massive crisis. It would seem that the cunning plan has backfired, but it hasn't. The second best kind of sex is make-up sex. No, I'm not talking about slopping around in the glop stuck to the face of an Anna Nicole Smith. I'm talking about making up for your bone-headedness.

The statement that led to the situation may have even triggered her to say some pretty nasty stuff too. As you both try to repair the damage done, you will each encounter deep feelings of remorse and will be willing to do whatever is needed to make the partner feel better. This isn't the fiery, crazy sex of the fight, which is good but will not likely last more than an hour, but rather a good way to spend a night or, if you're really fortunate (or sorry), a weekend.

Don't despair about your foolish mouth and the insane things that spew forth, but rather embrace it. Take your foolish comments and forge them into a finely tuned instrument that you can employ for your gain. The weakness that you perceive is actually a strength that can give you decades of meaningful and fulfilling sex. Probably a few black eyes and bruises, hungry nights, silent spells of days or weeks, as well as unwashed clothes as well.

But think of the sex!

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 342: WHEN JODSTER MET HAPPY (AND CLARK, AND RAINY, AND KAREN, AND MARTINI, AND MY BROTHER)

Dear Useless Men and Occasional Useless Gal,

I was sitting there sleepily this morning reading your blog advice (not that it was boring, I had just woken up) and began to wonder about the people behind the proliferation of uselessness. How did all of you meet? Have all of you gathered and met each other offline? Do you have regular giggly slumber parties where your truth or dares always involve useless tasks usually involving annoying a neighbor?

Too tired to think of a clever name.

Dear Clever Name-less,

Thanks for the offer for us to reminisce. For your boredom’s pleasure, I bring you the extraordinarily vague history of the Useless Men.

Thanks to The Archies, I was introduced to blogging in late 2004. By March of 2005, I had approximately 9 blogs that I was keeping up. I wasn’t satisfied with 9. I wanted double digit numbers. I had an idea for a question and answer site, but I realized I wasn’t truly an expert on any one topic.

As I trolled around the inter-webby-net, checking out my many, many bookmarked blogs, I read Another Useless Man’s blog, where he was also considering an advice column of sorts. Like a match made in Kipling, Saskatchewan, we agreed to work together. A few keystrokes later, Useless Advice From Useless Men was born to great acclaim, answering our first question about men leaving their clothes on the floor. Ironically, we’re still answering that question. I guess our previous advice was useless…

Another Useless Man and I have never met, never spoke, rarely email. I don’t even know if I know his real name. This leads to us getting along smashingly. We’re not in each other’s hair, or asking to share each other’s fries. It’s a perfect relationship, really.

As the questions poured in, we decided to expand. A stranger, with great penmanship but otherwise was Just Plain Useless, told us if we ever needed another writer, he was willing and useless. Since two people didn’t seem like enough, I asked him to join our merry band of uselessness. But not before recruiting my most useless friend, Any More Useless, I’d be a Cat.

Like Another Useless Man, I have no idea who Just Plain Useless is, but based on his profile on Blogger at the time, I suspect he may have worked for a newspaper. Just Plain Useless is our own version of Mystery Men. We’ve never met, never spoke, but I did get fed a phone number once. I think it’s a fake. Now I know how you girls feel. What kind of phone number starts with 976 anyway?

Now the familiarity starts to breed. There is a picture out there, somewhere, of me holding Any More Useless as a little tiny baby. I wasn’t much more of a baby myself. I think it was that brief stint of parenting that turned the poor boy from a quality addition to the hemisphere into the useless lump he’s become. He and I get together quite often, but we rarely share food.

Before long, we got a question we couldn’t answer. Or shouldn’t answer. Or were afraid to answer. Come on, it was about dating, and it was from a man. Either way, one unemployed fan was in the right place at the wrong time, and lo, she became the Occasional Useless Gal. She is only consulted under very extreme circumstances, but has bailed us out over and over again. And now that she’s working, I actually found her useful in trying to book a recent trip. That usefulness was washed away when she decided to blog about it. I’d been exposed! I really need to get out more…

Then we get to the final two members. During a brief 100 question hiatus by Another Useless Man, we had an online application from The Useless Wonder. I don’t wonder why he’s useless, but I do wonder why he wanted to prove it. His useless way of asking automatically moved him into the junior ranks. He moved up the ladder fast, as any super useless man should. I do work alongside the Useless Wonder, and our employer seems to think we make a good pair. We should, since often times I think we share a brain.

Finally, the last member of our Septuplet, (what is the word for a group of Seven?), is One Useless Brother. Not to be confused with the Richard Pryor kind of “brother”, this useless brother is, in fact, my own younger brother. You know the kind that likes to tag along with you everywhere? That’s him. And he’s useless. Blood tests are still pending.

In case you forget who is who on this site, we’ve recently added a profile page. Feel free to read all about your favourite Useless Man or Gal. Visit their personal pages, send questions in for them, but save stalking to evenings and weekends.

If you would like to meet the Useless Men, stay tuned! We’re planning an event for the fall, called “One Useless Night”. You won’t want to miss it. You will miss it, but you won’t WANT to miss it. I understand.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man



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QUESTION # 341: COLE "PEEPING" TRICKLE

Dear Useless Men,

Why is that when you drive on the highway, men look into each car, often catching each other as they do it, but a woman just stares straight forward?

Tom

Dear Tom,

Some men are complex in their simplicity. Some men are simply more complex. Here are a few reasons why men look into cars on the highway:

One reason is the simple fact that some men are easily distracted. Some men cannot help but watch each car they pass, or are passing, because their eye is immediately drawn to big, shiny objects. This inevitably will end up with two easily distracted men making awkward eye contact. Women tend to focus on the road.

A more complex reason men look in other cars is their need for competition. Men will often check out other cars because they are comparing their car, and hence themselves, with the other men on the highway. Most men are trying to impress each other, under the guise of impressing women. You can recognize these men by the varying looks of disdain, and/or awe, as they pass or are being passed. A good formula is as follows: If you are being passed, you receive a look of disdain. If you are passing, you receive a look of awe. Of course, with all formula's, there are variables such as speeding because you have to go pee. Then the look becomes more of worry, fear, and pain. But you still receive a look, and instinctively one would return with a look of sympathy. Women tend to focus on the road.

Further adding to the competitive nature of men is the racing variable. If you receive, or give, the raised eyebrow head nod look, be prepared to race. As a man giving the eyebrow raised head nod look, I'll advise you not to even bother giving it to another man if that other man is with a woman and/or children. The chance of a reciprocal eyebrow raised head nod is extremely minimal, and frankly it's emasculating, and downright ungentlemanly to put another man in that position. We may be Useless, but we're still men. Let's make sure we act like men. This look is wasted if the driver of the vehicle is a woman. Women tend to focus on the road.

A more complex reason is the "How you doin'?" situation. This is where men are looking into the other cars to check out the ladies who are driving. This, more often than not, ends up in uncomfortable eye contact with another man, and usually is followed by a defiant eyebrow raised head nod. Unfortunately, the receiver of the "How you doin'?" look, (also known as the "Creepy" look by women), responds with an exaggerated look of disdain because they know you just accidentally checked them out. Accidentally? We here at Useless Advice do not judge. If you've accidentally done this, just speed up and move on. I compare this reasoning to that of why men walk around with a condom in their wallet. You never know when a porno situation may occur, so like a good boy scout, be prepared.

What!?!? It could happen! A man can dream…

Anyway, what these men haven't figured out is that women tend to avoid these creepy looks by keeping their focus on the road.

There you have it. Life is a highway. Keep on Truckin'. Maybe I'll see you out there.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 340: THE ELEPHANT MAN

Dear Useless Men,

I recently read a column by Maureen Dowd in which she talks about a woman who, and I quote, "successfully applied the techniques of exotic animal trainers to change some annoying traits of her husband." While I applaud her creativity, I wonder how practical it is to train a man to pirouette, balance a ball on his nose, jump through burning hoops, bark on command, and roll over. What do you think?

Thanks, Jane

P.S. If you answer my question, I'll give you a treat.

Dear Jane,

You are correct. Many of these ballet moves and gymnastics are quite impractical and useless, which generally suits most men. The purpose of the exotic animal training should be to make a man less useless. It would be far more advantageous to train a man to be, say, more like a circus-performing elephant.

They say elephants never forget. Training a husband to be more elephant-like would relieve stress in the marriage, as he would never forget your birthday or your anniversary. Don't expect something fabulous though. The downside to such training is that it uses up most of a man's brainpower and leaves him with nothing else to think with. As a result, he'd probably get you something totally sad, like a questionable "I love nuts" T-shirt. After you try it on, he'll likely spray you down with a hose and jump up and down gleefully, while encouraging you to do the same. It's okay. Just get stewed, and you'll never remember what happened.

Another upside to the elephant training is the killer amount of weight they can carry. Dragging your ele-husband, or your boy-phant, to the mall has never made more sense. Throw a couple of sacks over his back, grab the plastic money, and jet to the mall. The more DKNY and Benetton you cram into those mule-packs, the less energy he's got for complaining. If there was ever a green light to go shopping, this is it.

And once you've satisfied your shopping urges, you can come home and satisfy some different ones with your man's ability to use his "trunk" in ways you never imagined.

Now, where's my treat? Is it bacon? Is it bacon?

It better be bacon, or I'll turn on you faster than Roy's white tiger.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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