QUESTION # 380: BEST BOY FRIEND

Dear Useless Men,

Okay, so here is the deal. I think that my Boyfriend hates my dog. So you know, my dog is not one of those fluffy girl dogs either. He's a Jack Russell, and is quite fun. He loves to play catch and run in the park. Frankly, he is everything a dog should be. I have never ever met anyone who hated him before, but the new guy in my life seems too. He doesn't EVER call my pup by his name in fact he refers to him as "THE DOG". We have actually argued about this. When he is over, he talks about how he thinks all dogs should be kept outside, etc... My pup steers clear of him.

Frankly, I think it is time to dump the guy. If he hasn't warmed up to Fido by now he's not going too, and there is no way I would ever get rid of my dog. My girlfriends think I am crazy, the boyfriend is hot, handsome, has a good job etc ... everything you would want a guy to be - except for the dog hater thing. My mother also agrees with them, and if I break up with the because of Fido my mother will never let me live it down I will be introduced as "this is my daughter, the one I told you about, the one that broke up with Prince Charming over her dog." How do I make them see, if he doesn't accept my dog, he's not for me? Or do I really need to give it more time?

Signed,
Love me, love my dog.

Dear Love Me, Love My Dog,

Of course your boyfriend hates your dog. Dogs are supposed to be man’s best friend. But THIS you’re your Fido, has taken up with you. I ask you this: Would your boyfriend like it if you shacked up with his best friend Dave?

I’m guessing no. It’s just a guess. But men are jealous irrational animals. You see Fido as a comforting warm creature, protecting you and sharing love. Your boyfriend sees Dave, moving in on his girl.

Think of it this way. One of the two is staying in the yard. Would you rather it is your boyfriend or your dogfriend?

What kind of job does Fido have? Do your girlfriends consider Fido to be hot? I’m guessing Fido is more of a “friend” to these ladies, and probably off the market to them.

It doesn’t matter that Fido is not a man. Men are dogs. I’m sure your boyfriend would pee in the corners of your place to mark his territory. We work like that.

Sure, someone will inevitably misunderstand the concept of our blog and comment on how you should follow your gut and rant about statistics that men who don’t love animals have no compassion and you are better off without him. Let them. It’s meaningless.

The truth is it’s not that your boyfriend can’t like your dog. He just can’t like your dog being with you. Maybe he thinks Fido isn’t good enough for you? Maybe your boyfriend sees what Fido does when you’re not around? Perhaps he knows that Fido secret likes to wear your undies and send pictures of himself over the internet, pretending to be a woman. Your boyfriend can’t just come out and say that Fido is a pervert. You were friends with Fido first. Who are you going to believe? Your boyfriend has to be subtle.

The irony is that, if left alone, the two may have formed a long, happy relationship together. Men and dogs can do that.

But if competing for your affection, it’s a dog eat dog competition. Tell your mom that you dumped your boyfriend because you were dating Fido first, and it’s only fair to see if this relationship is going to work out before you commit to a lifetime with one partner. Then imply, in a purely innocent way, that Fido is better in bed.

Let Mom explain that to her bridge club.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 379: LINK EXCHANGE

Dear Webmaster,

I'm looking for Link partners and I would like to offer you a Link Exchange. I have a glassware/crystal and a travel-related websites. If you send me your description I will add your link to my website. All I ask in exchange is a link back to my site.

If you don't know what this letter means forward it to your webmaster.

Best regards,
Kate Moore

Dear Miss, Ms, Mrs (?) Moore,

I don't know what this letter means but that won't stop me from forwarding this to my Webmaster.

What will stop me is the bowel releasing fear of my Webmaster. In other words, he scares the crap out of me. I can still feel the hot stench of his breath as the giant floating head bellowed with laughter; laughter summoned from the depths of darkness, brought forth because he insisted I tickle him with an Albatross in his secret tickly spot.

.... uhhggghhhh .....

And his massive tentacles, like those of some prehistoric leviathan, gently poked at me to stop. But I know he doesn't want me to stop. I stopped once, the horror. He never wants me to stop.

This was never mentioned in the job description Steve!

I thought this was simply a reader response center. I could never have conceived that all public relations departments could contain such a horrific secret. Or maybe it's just me.

We don't talk about the Webmaster here. Maybe no one else knows. Is that why they asked if I was “playful” in my interview? I said yes, of course, but I just needed a job.

If anyone asks you if you're playful, SAY NO! Please excuse my gentle sobbing.

I'm sorry Kate. I'm sorry everyone. In the end, Kate, I appreciate your offer of glassware/crystal and travel-related websites in exchange for a ride back to your website office, but as a rule we don't give lifts to strangers. It's just not safe, especially in the city.

What I can do for you is introduce you to a gentle giant who likes tickle fights in the morning. I’d help you out, but I’m allergic to albatross

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 378: CHANGING HIS MIND

Dear Useless Men,

How ought a sensitive wife bring up the topic of her sexual preferences? without offending or otherwise hurting the feelings of her spouse? Be as useless as you want, I'm curious about your perspective.

Good Mama, Bad Attitude

Dear Good Mama,

He's a guy. You aren't likely to hurt his feelings by talking about sex unless you tell him he’s not getting any.

It's more a matter of the approach than the actually content of the question. You can try working it into everyday conversation if you want to ambush him. The element of surprise is always good.

For example, "I was talking to the kid’s teacher today and they think that the kids are doing well, but they may do better in school if we try tantric sex." If it's a matter of getting him to do things you don't think he'll go for, then bringing it up in the heat of the moment. That's how my wife managed to get me to paint the house. I'd like to say I'm on to her tricks, and know better for next time, but it's not likely.

Let's be honest here, unless your preferences include having sex with someone else while your husband is out, I don't think he'll have a huge problem dealing with it. If you're adding another person to the equation, always be sure you aren't talking about his brother or sister here. Or a member of any livestock class. Other than that, he should be pretty open.

You should try to let him think it was his idea. Going back to timing the question properly, you might be surprised at what he will agree to once you've got him all revved up.

Personally, I prefer sex over no sex. If your husband is a man, this may be another negotiation point for you. If that doesn't work, then there is the trick of offering him an “I-give-you-one, you-give-me-one” approach to things. If he'll do something you want, then you have to do something he wants. This is an age-old trick that results in sex all over the continent.

For instance, if I vacuum or cook, I am far more likely to "get some". This is a dangerous path though because you will find yourself in a typical married battle of wills. As each of you try to outdo the other's last request you will find that the stakes keep getting raised. As such, the sex will soon move beyond preferences, becoming instead a sexually charged game of chicken. Which of you will give up first? It may all build and build until your activities resemble the setup for that messed up Aristocrats joke.

I can also make suggestion that if your tastes are into the food in bed type, like pudding or Jell-O, make sure you use the smooth types of both. Nothing hurts more than getting a piece of pineapple somewhere unpleasant.

The acids in it do really get your attention though.

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be Cat.


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QUESTION # 377: BEGGARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS

Dear Useless Men,

Why can't a woman resist a begging man?

anonymous jones

Dear Anonymous,

Women are guilty creatures.

They don't just have skeletons in their closets, they have entire mausoleums back there. Whereas when people get hurt as a result of a man's actions, we usually laugh. Sometimes we point. Actually, we might even enlist every other man walking by for further pointing and laughing.

But women feel bad. They'll dwell on what they did and replay it over and over again in their heads thinking of what they could have said or done to cause a different outcome. The end result? Heaps and heaps of guilt!

Here is a graph depicting how much guilt women feel on a minute to minute basis.



Consider this from a woman's perspective; burdened by notions of guilt, you are constantly seeking ways to relieve yourself of it!

One of these ways is to give in to begging men. It doesn't matter if they're begging for attention, dates, or loose change on the side of the freeway, giving helps women feel better about themselves and lets them tick things off on that big bad guilty conscience list they keep in their heads!

Note: If you ask them if this is true, they will lie of course. They'll probably say it feels good to help or be a good person or whatever, but now you know the real reason.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 376: WHO NEEDS MEN?

Dear Useless Men,

I am a single 58-year-old woman. I am divorced. I used to date quite frequently, but I have decided my life runs much smoother without the complications of a man in it. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. And some men have a way of trying to take your life over, or at least giving you advice on everything. I haven't dated for the last 3 years and frankly I don't miss it. Do you think it’s strange that I don't seem to need male companionship anymore?

Footloose and Fancy Free

Dear Footloose and Fancy Free,

"And some men have a way of... giving you advice on everything."

Ummm... This is an advice column written by men. We tend to give advice here. Just so you know.

I know the title is confusing to a lot of people. And I have spoken to the site administrator about it on numerous occasions. But like most Useless Men, he just doesn't really listen.

Fortunately, for you anyways, we don't want to “take your life over". And our advice is excellent, but arbitrary.

So on to your question, of which I will give excellent, although quite arbitrary, advice on. "Do you think it’s strange that I don't seem to need male companionship anymore?"

To provide an insightful answer, I really would need to know more about you. And since I can't ask you questions, or get your answers, I will do that for you.

Me: Are you gay? Still alive?
You: No and yes.

Me: Do you find any male actors attractive?
You: Ummm...yes.

Me: I noticed you hesitated on that last question. Would you date any actor if they asked you out?
You: Ummmm...yes. I guess so.

Me: Aha. This was easier than I thought. You do need male
companionship. In fact, you crave it...
You: No I don't. This is stupid. It doesn't prove anything.

Me: Yes it does. I win. You lose. End of discussion. Now go out and find yourself a man that you so desperately crave.
You: What the h...

Me: Discussion over..

I hope our conversation helped you come to grips with the craving you have for male companionship. Feel free to send us wedding photos when you find that special guy. We will post them on our useful answer site. If we ever achieve that kind of a thing. If not, we'll pass them around or something.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 375: ROCK, PAPER, HOLIDAY

Dear Useless Men,

I want to surprise my hubby with a weekend away. I want him to have a great and memorable time. He likes sports, dislikes the beach, and he's not into physical activity. Any suggestions where I can take my husband?

So-and-so

Dear So and So,

A weekend away is a super suprise for your husband. Not only that, but you want him to have a great and memorable time? He sounds like a lucky man. In fact, you sound like the perfect wife. What are your measurements? Ahem. Sorry. That was rude.

I approve of your husband's dislike of the beach. Who wants gritty sand sticking to greasy sunblock and grinding between various cracks and other bodily orifaces while cold water shocks naked shiverings legs with each annoying lap of the beach? Not me.

Sounds like a couple of days of sports are in order. However, there aren't too many sports I can think of that involve very little physical activity. Have you considered bringing your husband to the Rock, Paper, Scissors Championships?

Register soon! The championships are being held in Toronto, Canada on November 11th, which is a very memorable day. Imagine your husband's joy saluting fallen soldiers during a reading of "In Flander's Fields", then blasting his opponents with a volly of paper, followed by rock, then paper again.

Rock, Paper, Scissors is the foremost non-violent way of resolving disputes and forming great, non-violent memories. There are cash prizes for first, second and third place, but more than that, winners possess glorious feelings of pride and happiness, again making for a great and memorable weekend.

The Toronto RPS Championships will treat your hubby to a fabulous time. And, if he should fall victim to some unfortunate accident involving a real rock, or some real scissors, then I can have you all to myself.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 374: SLEEPING THROUGH "IT"

Dear Useless Men,

Last night my wife fell asleep while we were making love. I didn't have the heart to wake her so I just rolled off and went to sleep myself. She hasn't said a word about it this morning so I'm not sure she even remembers. Should I say anything to her?

Signed,
Afraid to Try Again

Dear Afraid to Try Again,

I'm not sure what the problem is here?

The answer here would be no. If she hasn't said anything yet, then she's either embarrassed and hopes you won't bring it up, or, as you think, she might not remember.

What I suggest is, if this happens again, be ready with some outrageous props. For example, when she falls asleep, and after you're done, place some handcuffs on the bed posts and an open jar of pickles on the bedside table. Then dress up like Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and lay upside-down next to her.

If you really want to be weird outrageous, get some freshly sheered wool and spread it around the bedroom floor. Leave a pair of sheers on the floor, tossed in a fit of passion, and don't forget to leave mud stains in the carpet. They'll come out with a good steam clean.

Be creative!

Is she a heavy sleeper? If so, feel free to do her up in make up and dress her in something kinky like a cheerleader, or a nun, or as Oprah. Even better, dress her in one of your business suits, tape on a beard and mustache, and put on a nametag with your name on it. No pants though. That makes it more mysterious.

Or take a giant rubber fallis, (y'know, the one in the shape of the forearm and fist), and place it with your wife. Try to stay awake till your wife begins to stir. When she does, pretend to sleep with a pained look on your face and don't laugh at her reactions. If she tries to wake you, just roll over and snore. This way you can see if she will clean all the mess up and pretend nothing happened.

When you do get up, walk around funny, like you've just been riding a horse, wincing when you sit down. Say nothing about the previous evening, but flinch every time she walks by or comes near. Justify yourself by saying you had bad “dreams”. If nothing is ever said, then keep raising the bar!

Have fun with it. Put her in funny poses! Buy hamsters! Put on fake nipple piercings! Where was I going with this? Ummm… Real Dolls can be fun when used properly?

Safety and cleanliness come first?

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 373: TATTOO YOU

Dear Useless Men,

I have a tattoo on my lower back, centered on my spine, that I want to add to. Something to spice it up. Right now, it represents Gemini, and is a stylized Roman numeral 2.

What would you suggest? I’ve attached a picture for your reference.

Kach a Falling Star

Dear Kach,

Thanks for the picture. I’ve created a poster of it, and I have it hanging in the garage. But enough about me…

I would have answered your question sooner if I hadn’t been completely addicted to the three different versions of Hapland, an online game. By the time I got around to answering this, I was consumed with everything Hapland.

Based on your tattoo, and more precisely its location, I was inspired to create a Hapland adventure that would carry food through a series of events that would end up in the Gemini food processor.

See the illustration here. Click on it to get a larger version. It will open in a new window. You may need it to appreciate the intricate detailing. Kudos to The Useless Wonder for putting in ink the ideas illustrated here.

Firstly, there are three food items: eggs, flour, and sugar.

It starts at the vending machine where the first person, at the top, pushes a button on the VEND machine which ejects an egg. The egg proceeds to role down the spiral slide and into the funnel that drops into the Gemini food processor.

Man #2, at the bottom, then pulls a lever, to activate the magnet that pulls the funnel under the sugar. Simultaneously, Man #1 pushes a different VEND button to drop a lighted match on the campfire beside Man #1.

The smoke from the fire activates the smoke alarm above, which signals the fire fighter to come down the pole to the higher lever. Upon pulling the higher lever, the buzz saw swings out, slicing off the corner of the sugar bag. The sugar bag is on a weighted pulley system, and as it depletes, the flour as the counter balance begins to be lowered into final tube mixing with the sugar and egg inside the Gemini food processor.

This is an active tattoo, and every time you activate it, you can create a cake. It’s a poo cake, but with this tattoo, you can become the baker of the bathroom, leaving gift cakes and other treats for all your friends.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 372: COOKIE MONSTER

Dear Useless Men,

This is a long standing argument debate with my husband. When I make cookies, I drop a spoonful of cookie dough onto the cookie sheet for baking. My husband insists that the "better way" is to roll the spoonful of dough into balls, like his mother did. What do you think Useless Men? And don't just take his side because he's a man. It was his MOM's idea....

Sincerely,
Cookie

Dear Cookie,

I was certainly confused by the question. You can bake chocolate chip cookie dough? Why would you do that? And how could it possibly make the dough taste better?

I looked it up in a cookbook and found that you are right. Chocolate chip cookies can be baked in an oven. The book also said you could bake a squash.

Ha, ha, ha... Like anyone would eat that!

After looking in the book, I tackled your question by making cookies, of course, and using the latest scientifical data collection techniques I could come up with.

I divided the chocolate chip cookie dough into three parts. Equal parts. Well, more or less equal. I did keep a stash of uncooked dough to eat while I carried out the experiment.

I put spoonfuls of cookie dough on one baking sheet and balls of cookie dough on another baking sheet. Actually, I had to use frying pans. I don't own baking sheets. I hardly have enough sheets for my bed, let alone extras for cooking on.

I carefully cooked the cookies for the correct time, and at the correct temperature, as given in the cookbook. While I waited, I carefully ate the remaining cookie dough. Between batches, I washed the taste out of my mouth with a glass of milk so I wouldn't influence the tastes of the different cookies.

I ate all the other batches of cookies. The spoonful ones tasted fishy. The ball ones tasted like pork chops. I realized at this point that my kids don't do a very good job of washing dishes. Or frying pans specifically.

Anyways, after washing the frying pans, I repeated the experiment half a dozen times. Then, I felt kind of sick. I spent a lot more time in the bathroom. Thinking about which cookies were better and such.

As a result of my scientific testing, I concluded that, baked or unbaked, chocolate chip cookies taste good. After you wash the frying pans. And they tend to go right through you if you eat too many at once.

So, whether you waste your time dropping the dough onto the pan, or sheet, or rolling it into balls first, or just cutting out the middleman, eating raw dough from the mixing bowl, the results are the same. Flatulence, diarrhea and heartburn. In my case it was.

It's just one of the prices we’ll pay to find answers to your questions here at Useless Advice from Useless Men.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 371: MICROWAVE MARRIAGE

Dear Useless Men,

Is there a delicate way I can ask my wife to cook better meals? I can't help but think that there is no good way to bring a cookbook into my home.

Hungry Man

Dear Hungry Man,

This one's so easy I can't believe you even have to ask for advice! You're going to have to get your hands on some Shriners though.

The next time your wife, whom for the purposes of this example we will call Maxine, goes to work, you call them up and tell them you've got a special job for them. When she finally leaves the building, after a hard day of shuffling papers/flipping burgers/lap dancing, these cute little old men will zoom by on their go-karts! Each one will belt out a specific word:

Zoom! Hi
Zoom! Maxine!
Zoom! I'm
Zoom! Cheating
Zoom! On
Zoom! You!
Zoom! Love,

Zoom! Your
Zoom! Husband

When she gets home she'll be in such a tiff. You just rush in and save the day by saying, "Just kidding honey! I'm not cheating on you! I love you! I just want you to start cooking in a way that doesn't involve pulling off a plastic sheet and setting the meal in the microwave for 5-7 minutes!"

You'll practically be a hero!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 370: COOKING UP TROUBLE

Dear Useless Men,

Men love to BBQ. You are men. Can you share any good BBQ recipes?

Foodie

Dear Foodie,

We do indeed love the barbecue. There is nothing more appealing to meat and flame. Unless it's naked women with meat and flames and a beer. This rare combination is not often seen in one place for obvious safety reasons.

To get you started then here is a decent BBQ recipe:

1 Food supporting system
1 Flame creating source
1 Containment setup

The best preparation method is to assemble these in reverse order. Start with your containment device. This should be fireproof in order to keep things under control. If all you have is a cardboard or wooden box, then keep an extinguisher or garden hose nearby.

Once you have this assembled, you will have to insert your source of flame. Any combustible material can be used. I have heard that wood is a good source of flavour, so that's a start. Don't get all hung up on spending all that money on good wood to burn as most companies have piles of broken shipping skids you can take away for free. They burn just fine. For a little more zip to the flavour, you can consider using alternative materials like plastic cups or styrofoam. If you use these, make sure you have an abundant supply, as they tend to burn very quickly.

If you don't want to lug all that wood around, then you can go for natural gas or propane fed fires. I recommend opening a valve on the propane tank instead of just throwing it into the fire though. While the tank on a bonfire method does a decent job of cooking the meat, it can be difficult figuring out where your perfectly cooked meal has landed.

Natural gas has it's own set of challenges too, as finding a garden hose long enough to reach for the gas outlet to your backyard is challenging. Also make sure you use enough duct tape to keep the gas from escaping before getting to the end of the hose. That smell is terrible!

The last, and probably most important part of a BBQ recipe is the meat support system. While it grills, metal poles and tongs are obvious. The problem goes a little deeper.

It is important that the meat has a good support system in place before getting to the grill. Animals that don't have adequate therapy, or family and friends, to help it get through its days can have differing flavours and toughness.

Divorced cows tend to taste bitter, while cows that fancy themselves comedians can taste quite nutty. Try to stay away from cows that have been drinking, especially their livers. Unloved cows will leave you feeling unfulfilled. All in all I suggest you find a good butcher/psychiatrist who can help you identify the meat.

Just be careful if he talks you into therapy. He may finish your sessions with a bolt gun.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 369: GET A SECOND OPINION

Dear Useless Men,

My boyfriend tells me he likes his time to himself on nights and weekends, meaning he doesn't want a girlfriend, yet he does. He loves a casual relationship. His initial excuses were that he lost track of time. Then he added why are Friday and Saturday nights more important than any other day of the week? I tried to talk to him about this and he said, "Oh, you're back to that ... again."

I told him I want to break up and he blew me off, saying I'm just crabby. I emailed him a strong letter saying the same thing and more. He stormed over and he argued me out of breaking up.

I got tired of this and posted a profile on a dating site. My profile is so diluted because I'm not really free to date, didn't get my permission to break up. He's aware of my profile, he's checking up on me.

I think this guy just hates to lose. He can't agree to a break up if it's my idea. Sooner or later he will find someone else and then he'll have no problem calling me up to break it off, because it will be his idea.

I'm really writing this to myself. I've just got to kick myself hard enough to stop being stupid.

Signed, Can't Seem to Kick Myself

Dear Ms. Kick Myself,

You do realize that this is a Useless Advice site, right? We even disclaim it on the bottom of the page:

Just like Dr. Phil, this advice is meant for entertainment purposes. If you require professional help, and I'm sure that you do, please seek it from someone less useless than us.

Now, I don’t think Dr. Phil is taking personal emails at this time. When he’s off the air for about 6 months, you’ll see his email everywhere. I’m just guessing, but based on the life of TV Star Dustin Diamond, or rather Screech from Saved By The Bell fame. He’s gone downhill since the glory days of bad hair and laugh tracks. He’s losing his HOUSE! And if you just buy a D-shirt, you could help a former celeb maintain his lavish lifestyle. I’m not judging. I’m just jealous.

Between this guy selling shirts to buy his house, and Kyle MacDonald trading a paperclip for a house, what am I doing wrong? Working. That’s what I’m doing wrong. Curse you, mortgage company and your bi-weekly payment schedule!

Sorry, I’m being a little crabby today, not that I’m just try to blow off your question. In the end, I think you probably need some real advice for your situation, so I recoommend you send your question to our friend Andrew at Love, Honour and Dismay. Oh wait… I see you already did.

Nevermind…

Sincerely,
One Useless Man!


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QUESTION # 368: CLEAN CAR REPAIRS

Dear Useless Men,

I am a woman. Just wanted to get that out of the way first.

So, let's say I go to the car dealership to get an oil change and the technicians come out with a list of repairs that need to be done.

How can I tell if they are just trying to rip me off?

I suspect that mechanics think women don't know anything so they suggest more repairs to women than they do to men. Since I actually *don't* know much about cars, I have no idea if I am correct or just paranoid.

Help!

-M.L.

Dear M.L.,

Oil changes are best done by your dad, in the safety of his own garage, behind the gates of his estate, with the security cameras turned on, the fence electrified, and the Dobermans on the prowl along with the estate lawyers. Much like some video game that hasn't yet been invented, unethical mechanics will come running up to the estate when they hear the oil draining into the pan. If you're lucky, they'll pile up against the fence a la World Cup Soccer, and become fried.

But sometimes daddy is out on his yacht, and that oil isn't going to change itself. Time to take the car out. Look for one of those places where the technicians and mechanics all wear those snappy coveralls. Clean coveralls means they're very careful and therefore very trustworthy. Dirty coveralls means that they are, well, dirty.

Dirty means unsportsmanlike - such as a dirty player. If your mechanic tries to head-butt you or bite your ear off while he's describing the kind of oil he's going to use, walk away. In fact, run.

Like we have learned from real life politics, dirty also means corrupt. If you find yourself in a dealership that promises you tax breaks on your oil change and all future oil changes, free hospitalization if your oil change causes you any soft tissue damage, and then wants you to sign eighty or ninety copies of the oil-exchange-plan agreement, whereas they, the aforementioned, will substitute your oil for theirs, you probably shouldn't trust them. The paperwork will take longer than the oil change.

Dirty also means obscene or indecent. Watch out for mechanics that flash you. If you are flashed by a mechanic, you probably shouldn't trust him to change your oil. He may talk a lot about lube, but unless it’s in context of oil and filter, he’s just a dirty mechanic. He may offer you a list of excuses as to why his coveralls burst open, including, but not limited to premature button failure and general wardrobe malfunction. If his list of excuses impresses you, wait till you see the list of problems he finds with your car.

As with Automotive ripping off, there are telltale signs to any unlawful activity. You just have to know what to look for - the dirt.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 367: THE LAW OF HAIR LOSS AND GAIN

Dear Useless Men,

Please advise me for ridding myself of unwanted hair.

unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

People and hair have shared occupancy since the beginning (insert individual religious/scientific beliefs here). Throughout the ages, Hominidae have negotiated and renegotiated contracts for said occupancy, and that's why today we have the Homo Sapien and Follicle Act (HSFA). As we can see, humans have less hair then ever, and in places they want it. The HSFA was designed to protect both parties from unethical treatment.

Here is where I will insert the text from our Useless lawyer, who, while thorough, is rather ineffective. And he charged us almost $800.00 for this, so I’m putting it in whether you like it or not.

Given your straight to the point statement, I'm guessing that either English isn’t your first language or the joint agreement for terminating follicle occupancy (Act III, Article 1) was unsuccessful. In this case, you should resort to “Depilation” or even “Epilation” found in Act III, Article 1, sub-sections 5,6, and 7. Typically, this is where the termination of the occupancy agreement becomes rather complex.

When one party does not want to cooperate, reaching a collective agreement is difficult, but not impossible. Firstly, in accordance with HSFA, the initial contract should be expired. If not, then legal action is necessary and only successful if the Follicle's are engaging in illegal or offensive acts. This is only recommended if situation is extreme; otherwise wait till the contract has expired.

That said, if the occupant follicle's are not abiding by body regulations, then the human can give notice of termination no less than 60 days prior to the tenancy term agreement, whence follicles can then be removed on the last date of the tenancy period, by force if necessary.

If the contract has expired, the joint occupancy agreement may continue on using previously agreed upon time periods, such as daily, weekly, monthly. The Follicle shall be given no less than: 60 days notice for monthly occupancy; 28 days for weekly occupancy; or 7 days for daily occupancy where termination is effective on the last day on which the tenancy period is based.

These articles apply also to the Follicle if the Follicle chooses to terminate the tenancy agreement.

Act III, Article 2, sub-sections 1 through 4 of the HSFA states that follicle eviction by Depilation are subject for renewal and should be understood by humans that follicle occupancy is inevitable whether by returning follicle tenants or by referral of follicle's from previous follicle tenants. And the above articles apply for continued for consenting shared occupancy.

I should also point out that in Act III, Article 2, sub-sections 5 through 7, the HSFA states that follicle eviction by Epilation are permanent, but can still be subject for renewal, though the period of vacancy is longer. It is understood, however, that follicle's evicted by Epilation should not return. If this occurs, the human may resort to legal action, where applicable.

The Homo Sapien and Follicle Act was created to protect both parties, so if follicle termination of the tenancy agreement under terms of Androgenic Alopecia. It is understood, through Act III, Article 3, sub-sections 1,2,4,7, that the follicle tenancy shall be deemed terminated 30 days after Androgenic Alopecia. The human must also allow the follicle executor, and/or family, reasonable access to the body unit to collect the follicle's property before moving in of any new follicle (by whichever means of the Follicular Unit Transplantation the human deems least intrusive).

Good luck. By following the Homo Sapien and Follicle Act, the ridding yourself of unwanted hair should go smoothly.

Anyone know any good lawyer jokes?

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 366: MASCARA MOUTH

Dear Useless Men,

Why is it every time a woman apply a mascara... their mouth always automatically open?

K

Dear K,

Since I am a man I had to consult with a science person about this. A biologist. The fact that this marine biologist lives about 1200 miles (or 1932 kilometers) from an ocean, and got their degree through a 3-week correspondence course, doesn't change the facts they gave me, or my interpretation of those facts.

And here are the facts: Sea lions and women are pretty much the same thing. They both have eyelashes and a mouth.

Apparently, every woman's mouth is attached to nerves and tendons and such in her eyes. So, every time she sees anything, her mouth opens. And to hide this problem, women talk. A lot.

Putting on mascara requires her to not talk. If she did start talking, she would poke herself in the eye. So, the mouth is open but nothing comes out. Well, no words anyways. Often women drool when they put on mascara. But you didn't ask about that, so I won't comment on it. In fact, no man talks about this. None that are still living.

Men have the same problem. Not with mascara, thank goodness. Or with needing to talk all the time. Men’s eyes are connected to their mouths in a different way.

In men the mouth only opens when they are asleep, resulting in snoring.

During the daytime, when men are awake, the nerves and tendons and such force them to keep their mouths shut when their eyes are open.

During the day, women snore, although they call it talking. Men are silent, even though they wish women would quit snoring. At night, women quit snoring, although they call it talking. And men finally get a chance to say something, which women call snoring. And
they don't want to hear it.

Personally, I think women are not fair in this regard. We are forced to listen to the rambling all day. But when we finally get a chance to say something at night, women just cover our faces with pillows and try to shut us up.

In fact, I'm thinking about writing a book about the subject. I'm thinking of calling it, "Quit Shoving a Pillow In My Face Or I'll Go Public With Your Drooling" or possibly "Men are from Earth, and Who Knows Where Women Are From".

Watch for it on bookshelves everywhere.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 365: HOW ARE YOU?

Dear Useless Men,

So I wanted to send in a question to participate in your contest but didn't really have any brilliant ideas on what to ask...until this afternoon when I realize that I have never read of anyone asking you how you are...your readers have asked for advice or answer, opinions and suggestion but never how ya doing...so being the suck up girl that I am: How are you?

Okay so it was a silly and probably useless question but hey, it's a question!

Sincerely,
Chana

Dear Chana,

Wow. It’s Question #365 today. That’s one question each day for one year. It only took 18 months to do it, too. Talk about useless. Still, it’s been a great 18-month year. I think we were working in metric time though.

Of the 364 other questions, no one has ever asked us how we are? It goes to show you how needy everyone is. I suppose the fact that we offer advice sways many question askers, but still... it’s nice to be wanted.

If I wanted to be concise, I could just say “Fine, thanks.”

I have a friend who used to reply, “Excellent. But I’m getting better.” I liked that answer so much that I took it over as my own. Eventually I also took over his identity, ending up with a wife, three kids, a car loan, a mortgage and a job with a soda pop company. It was a great identity to have except he is British and I’m not. I couldn’t pull off the accent, and I was found out. Just goes to show you how important it is to protect your PIN. It might also explain why most people are afraid to give too much information when asked, “How are you?”

Many people assume the asker doesn’t really care about the question, or the answer. Sometimes I answer, “Windy” just to see if they are paying attention.

“How are you?”
“Lactose-Intolerant. How ‘bout you?”

“How are you?”
“A little fishy, but otherwise ok. You?”

Are you regretting you asked now? It is nice to be asked. Perhaps we should ask you, the reader and question askers how we are? Like those “How’s my driving” bumper stickers. We could have a 5-star rating system, “How’s my advice?” One-star for useful, 5-stars for useless.

So, tell me Chana, and any other useless reader out there, how are you? Let us know in our moderated comments.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 364: A CLOCKWORK QUERY

Dear Useless Men,

Is it possible for us to sneeze without closing out eyes?

{ K }

Dear K,

It is technically possible, but I most certainly wouldn't recommend it.

A rig can be assembled to keep your eyes open, as can be seen in A Clockwork Orange. While this type of system has been used by network television to test pilot new programs on unfortunate focus group"participants", it isn't readily available, and requires some assembly.

Any choice of seating is possible, but you should consider something nice and stable. A person in mid-sneeze can make some fairly violent motions which can cause them to fall over. Just trust me on this.

After you select your seating you will have to move on to some form of eyelid restraint. This is easier to choose once you know who the occupant of the sneeze seat will be. If it is yourself, I would recommend some surgical steel rigging with nice, smooth, rounded edges. If it's one of your in-laws, or perhaps a telemarketer, you can consider something like popsicle sticks and some super glue. Sure, there's a heightened risk of splinters, but what's life without some risks right? Speaking of risks, let's get one thing perfectly clear: there is no one design aspect more important on this assembly than the orientation of your head while in mid-sneeze. All I can say on this aspect is to repeat the age-old phrase, "What goes up, must come down." ‘Nuff said!

Upon completion of this nasal nest, which if you're a Useless Man would not likely ever get completed after selection of a comfy seat, you have to move on to the first of the two challenges that make this a non-recommended activity.

Getting into the seat can be a challenge, and this will require the incredibly difficult task of recruiting an assistant. You will find it most difficult to convince someone to strap you in and keep putting eye drops in for you, especially if they find out that you are about to schnozz all over them at any moment. I recommend you lie through your teeth and tell them it's a setup from your optometrist to make insertion of contact lenses easier. If you're in a pinch looking for someone to help you pull this experiment off, feel free to email us. We'd never abandon you like that as we always have our cameras ready.

Once you have secured your assistant, or should I say “once your assistant has secured you and your eyeballs”, it's on to waiting for the sneeze to happen. This can be accelerated with the aid of some feathers or maybe some black pepper. At this time, I must caution you on your selection of the sneezing enhancement agent. Remember that your eyeballs are wide open and susceptible to any airborne materials. While the likes of which can make you sneeze, they may also burn more than that plate of suicide wings you had last week. This leads to the second and most difficult part of this experiment. Exiting the chair.

Your assistant will help you along merrily, but upon seeing the insanely hilarious look in your eyes when you sneeze, will not likely be able to release you anytime soon. What will happen to you is that they will pick themselves up off of the floor after having laughed uncontrollably for a few minutes, and then go get their camera. Once they have secured the photographs they are after, they will then summon every single soul available to them to come and watch you sneeze. While you lay there, in the chair, with your sinuses reverberating in your head, and your eyes aflame, you will be subjected to a steady stream of spectators who will tell them to “do it again.” Your back will ache, and your sides will feel agony the likes of which can only be imagined, unless you've given birth. Then this is apparently like a hangnail.

You are only going to be spared if they get bored, or some unfortunate twit says, "I want to try that!" If someone does, I highly recommend you don't fall at their feet and thank them until they are strapped in or they may change their mind.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat.


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QUESTION # 363: SASY SPEL CHEK

Dear Useless Men,

I have a spelling problem. Sure, it's fine when I am on the computer, there's spell check, but when I am out in public it is always an embarrassment. I find that I am mumbling to cover for my poor spelling, I take the long way to work and drive super slow so I won't have to spell for a police man, and I wear long bangs so that people won't see how much concentration it takes to spell something simple. What am I to do?

Signed,
Chalenged

Dear Chalenged,

I don't know... Man, what the heck?

You think I sit here all day constantly refreshing my inbox waiting for questions from all you punks out there that can't get your lives together? HECK NO!

I am an important guy with important things to do! I am agog at the sheer presumptiousness of such a request. SURE, I could tell you that Malcolm X learned how to spell -- and stocked up on some extra gray matter to boot -- by copying the dictionary word for word during his stint in prison. But am I going to do that? No way!

What about all the things I need to do, huh? Level 12 ain't just going to beat itself, NOW IS IT? I suppose answering YOUR question is going to magically wipe the kitchen and living room clean of all the cake and beer and meatballs? That's SARCASM, because, of course, it won't do that! The cake and beer and meatballs will just sit there gathering mold, and I bet you don't even care.

I have homework to do because I am furthering my education but what should I do? Should I just, you know, stroll into class all nonchalant and be like, "Sorry, community college teacher, but I got caught up telling this guy to read Strunk and White's Elements of Style because while it doesn't actually teach spelling, it helps one to fully embrace the English language, one of the side-effects of which is becoming a better speller. I totally didn't mean to skip that essay paper."?

In short, my desire to help you lies somewhere between my desire to clip my toenails with a hedge trimmer, and my desire to walk naked through a city in the middle east with a bullhorn shouting "Muhammed was a dork!"

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 362: I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE

Dear Useless Men,

Why is it that when a female doesn't hear what a male says and asks him to repeat it, he repeats it with exactly the same volume and tonal inclinations that he used the first time? Excuse me, I didn't hear you the first time, speak up, stop mumbling, anything!

Sincerely,
kristarella

Dear Kristarella,

Simply put, men don't want to feel guilt. We only have three feelings, give or take a feeling, but guilt is one of them. It is a rotten feeling that we try to avoid. We'd rather be feeling sleepy, even maybe hungry, than guilty. Let me explain.

Men are honest creatures. This honesty forces us to repeat ourselves the way we do, quietly and flatly. At risk of being bludgeoned to death by my fellow men, I'm going to reveal a man-secret to you that explains why men answer women in this way.

Men repeat themselves knowing full well that the woman they're talking to won't hear a word of it. It's not because women's ears are stuffed full of mousse, Infusium-23 or Botox. It's because men don't want women to hear their question.

Why? Because if they don't hear the question, they can't say, “No.” All men know a woman's answer is always “No.” If the man doesn't hear the word "No", he can honestly say "I didn't hear you" and not feel guilty.

Imagine this scenario: a man invites his 12 buddies over for the Super Bowl. He knows his wife will say “No” to the large sausage-fest in her pristine living room. So, as his pals are walking through the back door, making a ruckus and crinkling their bags of Piggy-o's and Greasetrap Crunch Supremes, he strategically uses this exact moment to ask his wife if it's okay. The crunching of the Pork Rinds and plastic bags drowns out the question perfectly and the man's query goes unheard. Even if his wife asks him to repeat it, he knows he'll have a good 4 or 5 tries before she gives up and says, “Never mind, I can't hear you.”

When everyone heads home around 2AM, the wife will furiously confront her husband. She will inform him that she did not approve of the Super Bowl gathering, and he can honestly say that he asked her permission. Not only that, but he can honestly say that she didn't say 'No', and he can honestly say that he asked her at least four or five times.

The man didn't lie to his wife, so there are no guilty feelings, except maybe for the fact that he tricked her by employing the ancient mumble technique, which, up until this answer got posted, always worked.

I must run and hide now.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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ONE USELESS HOLIDAY ROADTRIP

Dear Useless Readers,

It’s Labour Day in Canada on Monday. It’s a day we can celebrate the child-bearing pains of our mothers. It’s a day we can celebrate work by taking the day off.

It’s really a rather Useless holiday, but we love it. The last bastion of summer before back-to-school.

While One Useless Man and his Useless Brother drive 5000kms this weekend to attend the One Red Paperclip house warming party in Kipling, Saskatchewan, the new home of internet hero, Kyle MacDonald, you can test your Useless Personality with our Useless Personality Test, hosted at Rum & Monkey.com.

Which Useless Man are you?

Let us know which Useless Man you are in comments. Have a great holiday.

Kipling, Saskatchewan, or BUST!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 361: METEOROLOGICAL MOANING

Dear Useless Men,

Why do Canadians complain so much about the weather? We complain if it is hot, cold, raining or sunny. It is always too ... something. We are never happy. What is the utopian day we are waiting for? Is there some ideal that we are certain exists which makes every other day just plain awful? Or are we just ungrateful. Let us know.

Signed,
Way too Hot

Dear Way too Hot,

Canadians are programmed that complaining is a bad thing. We don't like to cause a ruckus, and this can be a good thing. If we get bad service, we simply tip a little less (instead of no tip at all). If we are treated poorly in a store, we simply pay for our purchase and walk out without causing a scene. The result of all this suppression is that we have a polite and "nice" bunch of people fit for traveling the world and not causing trouble.

While this hurts things like our military, who apologize for getting hit with enemy fire and say things like "Sorry ‘bout that. Do you want that bullet back, Sir?", it help in the day-to-day living. If we didn't suppress the urge to become violent and abusive when treated poorly, we would likely end up a more dangerous place to live than Beirut!

The biggest problem is that all the aggravation and vitriol just piles up inside us. It would eat our polite souls and erode our niceness. This would result in us becoming horribly abusive to our fellow Canadians. Just imagine standing in a mall when someone steps on your toe. Instead of apologizing, you tell them, “Watch where they are going.”

Anarchy!

What if we couldn't vent about the weather, and instead, we actually went back to the drive-thru to have them fix our order that was improperly packaged? I shudder just to type that! Such rampant expressions of our frustration would tear our finely honed Canadian identity to ribbons.

I’m sorry if I’ve bothered any of you with my answer. This rain has got me really annoyed. It was sunny yesterday, and I got a sunburn. Now that I have sun block, I don’t need it. Stupid weather…

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I’d Be A Cat


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