QUESTION # 401: READ ME, READ ME, READ ME

Dear Useless Men,

I knew you couldn't resist reading this message. I saw your blog and I was interested having a permanent text link to my site from your site. My site is a free classifieds site and url is http://toronto.eclassifieds4u.com

I am just starting to promote this site and really want to help the Toronto Community by giving this service. Please let me know if you are willing to provide a text link to my site.

Thank you very much for your time and hopefully I will hear from you soon,

Ketan

Dear Ketan,

Gee, Ketan, it was sweet of you to think of us. Thanks. But we do answer every email, so even your tempting spam gets a reply.

We would be more than happy to help you out. We’re still developing our link rates, but we think we’ll start at $200/ day for an obscure mention at the bottom of our page.

For a premium listing half way up the page, it's $800/ day. In U.S. funds only. And we only accept credit card payments. No checks or money orders.

So, send us your credit card information as soon as possible.

And by the way, I don't live in the Toronto area. As a condition of linking to you it will be necessary for you to establish a site for the Canadian Prairie provinces for this partnership to take place.

Actually, now that I think of it, one of the Useless Men is a citizen of the U.S. Would it be possible for you to make this an international venture as well? You’ll have to let us know before we can accept it.

Please take care of this minor detail immediately. Our lawyers are standing by with the necessary paperwork for you to sign.

Oh, and our lawyers don't take checks or money orders either. Just credit cards. And none of those lesser credit cards either. Like Sears or a Diners Card. It must be a platinum credit card from American Express or they won't even summon their secretaries to do the legal work.

Anyways, don't keep us waiting long. Christmas is just around the corner and we want to get an early start on our shopping. We may even find what we’re looking for on your site.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man

PS – In lieu of the above, did you want to sponsor our monthly contest? Everyone loves contests.


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QUESTION # 400: WE HAVE A WINNER

Dear Useless Men,

Did you ever award a winner for your question contest? Did you win the furniture? Really, I only want to know if I won the furniture from you.

Glad to be Greedy

Dear Mr. Greedy,

You actually think we remember that Useless Contest we launched in June? Actually, we do. And WE HAVE A WINNER!

Let's recap: Everyone that sent in a question to Useless Advice From Useless Men between June 30th and August 31st was entered. Some of our contestants entered more than once. In the end, we had 25 entries during the contest period, each email assigned a number starting at 1, increasing in order of receipt of the emails.

To determine the winner, One Useless Man and The Useless Wonder worked together to be sure we kept the contest honest. Integrity first, folks. Thus began the task of asking random strangers to pick a number between 1 and 25.

Using the number received, the corresponding email would be highlighted in RED. We continued to ask random strangers to pick a number between 1 and 25. If a previously selected number, now highlighted in RED, was selected a second time, we upgraded the highlighter to YELLOW.

Finally, the first email to be selected a third time, by another random stranger, still selecting between 1 and 25, the YELLOW would turn to GREEN, indicating our winner. You wouldn’t believe how long this process took…

Without any further ado, our winner is


17


Congratulations to our runners up: 7, 13, 15, 18, and 23. Also receiving honourable mentions are the numbers 5, 21, and 22.

Thank you to our sponsor, Wholesale Furniture Brokers, who kindly rewarded us with a $100 Gift Certificate, albeit not for participating but because we won some sort of consolation prize. Either way, we promised to pass on the prize to our winner. We are also including an autographed 8X10 of some of your favourite Useless Men, a toque from the Toronto International Auto Show and an Earmuff from the Van Gogh collection.

Not to be outdone, plans are now under way for the ALL NEW Useless Contest. Well, the prize is new, the contest is the same. Send in a question, we’ll add you to the draw.

Contest closes November 30th. The prize fits in a shiny metal canister. What will it be?

It’s sure to be useless …

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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USELESS CONTEST DETAILS

Dear Useless Men,

How do I enter your silly useless contests that everyone on the internet is talking about? Aren’t you required to post them or something?

Curious

Dear Curious Contest Detail Person,

Required to post them? How do I know? Our lawyers only accept Am Ex, and I only get paid in Canadian Tire money.

But since you asked, you stickler for details you, here is what should likely happen for this and future contests.

1. You submit a question. If we have a sponsor for the contest, we do ask that you visit their site during the contest period.

2. We record your email. We enter all the emails in a random drawing for some random prizing. Your chances of winning are solely determined by the number of entries received in the contest period. To pick a winner, we like to involve random strangers in order to keep our hands clean of any favouritism.

No purchase is required at Useless Advice From Useless Men or our sponsor to participate. Just a skill-testing question. One from you for us. Then one for you, if you are the winner.

Thanks for participating. To submit your questions by email, click here.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 399: PARENT ATM

Dear Useless Men,

When my son was younger I explained to him that I would become stupid when he entered his teenage years. He didn't believe me, but now he is sixteen and my IQ has apparently shriveled to that of a sea anemone. I am only useful when I'm providing car keys and spending money. What
should I do?

A Dumb Parent

Dear Dumb Parent,

For starters, don't have any more children. You can have yourself "fixed" in a Hospital if you like, although veterinarians charge a lot less for the same procedure. And they often give you treats if you don't make a fuss. They pat your head and rub your tummy. You don't get any of those perks in a Hospital.

If it will make you feel any better, there is also the old wives tale about kids realizing how smart you really are when they become adults, although recent scientific data would suggest it has more to do with them becoming stupid as they age rather than you actually becoming smarter again.

But, if it makes you feel better, then what the heck! We all like to dream now and then.

Giving teenagers car keys and money has always been a tradition for parents. In fact, just recently, archaeologists, (digging guys for you laymen), uncovered fossil evidence that clearly shows a dinosaur passing keys and cash to a smaller dinosaur who looks impatient and annoyed. You are in good company.

IQ tests were only invented to make smart people feel smart. Otherwise they were just nerds who couldn't play sports or get dates, which you obviously weren't, because you had a child that grew up to be a teenager.

So, relish the past. And I don't mean put relish on the past. I mean enjoy what you had in the past. Which was popularity, and possibly some athletic ability. And no pocket protector like the nerds wore.

As for the future, just do what all of us with children do. Dread it, and all it has to offer. Which is not much. Other than a chance at a room in a Nursing Home or Kennel where you will live out your twilight years with others who really aren't any smarter than you.

Hope that cheered you up.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 398: MORE EXPERT WILDLIFE ANSWERS

Dear Useless Men,

Could you please help resolve an argument between me and a friend. Who would be favourite to win a fight in 15' x 15' cage- an average sized man with no weapons training with an average handgun and 1 bullet, or an average sized fully-grown crocodile?

Thanks,
Mark

Dear Mark,

Who would win? Well, that all depends on the nature of the fight. Let’s imagine:

Man: Look, I'm sorry, calm down . . . don't eat me.

Crocodile: Eat you? I can hardly look at you right now. My mother was right about you.

Man: Baby I'm sorry for what I did. But you know she didn't mean anything to me.

Crocodile: Didn't mean anything!? She was a panda, Mark. I knew when we got together you preferred Asian women, but I never thought you would . . . ugh, I can't even bring myself to say it.

Man: What? You want me to apologize for being me? I can't do that, Rebecca. I am who I am! You know I love you and that'll never change!

Crocodile: Quit yelling! I'm supposed to be the one yelling! But maybe I shouldn't, or you might go running back to her like last time we fought.

Man: C'mon now, that's uncalled for. Besides, the exhibit was only in town for a week.

Crocodile: Oh! What a shame for you then!

Man: Now, honey, that's not what I mea--

Crocodile: Forget it, Mark! Shoot me. Just shoot me now! It'd be less painful.

Man: You're talking crazy, Rebecca. Just calm down. The bullet would merely lodge in your thick scaly hide anyway.

Crocodile: So now I'm just thick and scaly?! Is that all? I used to be exotic! I used to be voluptuous! I might be a crocodile, but you're a pig!

Man: There's no arguing with you. I just can't win!

And there you have it. The gun never even got to come into play!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 397: BEN WA HAS BALLS

Dear Useless Men,

My husband complains that I never want to have sex (with him) any more. He bought me sex toys, lingerie and even chocolates and flowers.

He suggested new things in bed we could try. He arranged a night out for just us. He asked if I would feel more in the mood if we took off for a weekend without any kids, pets or family of any kind, just the two of us.

This is all nice but how do I tell him it's not me - it's him. You see the problem is that I am not attraced to him since he apparantly lost the ability to wipe his butt. Seeing dried poop on his balls turned me off having sex with him. Wiping his mess off the toilet seat each morning and evening has made me not want to even look at him.

Cleaning his poopy underwear and watching him scratch himself before bed has made me feel sick at the idea of him touching me intimately, anywhere.

He complains that I have stopped shaving my legs and now I'm not very attractive. I laugh but I don't say anything (or even laugh out loud). Sometimes I miss sex and I think about having an affair with a man who can wipe his butt, brush his teeth and spend enough time in the shower to come out smelling nice, with clean fingernails. But, I'm just not the affair-having type.

What advice do you have for me?

Signed,
Mrs. Browned Out

Dear Mrs. Browned Out

Is that a joint last name? Shouldn't it be hyphenated? Doesn't matter, I'm not here to edit your grammar.

As the resident sex expert, (I know, it’s still hard to believe), my first impression from reading your email is that you're afraid of change. Your husband is crying out for attention. He's going so far as to think of you as well, which is not common in the male species. Perhaps he's aware that your sex life has gotten a little routine, but instead of looking elsewhere, he's committed to rekindling the spark that started this life long relationship. I know of no other man who has bought Ben Wa balls, let alone use them first, before introducing them to his partner. That is devotion.

It should be noted that men are not hygienic. Our sense of cleanliness is non-existent. Just take a look at a man's garage or workshop. If he’s a real man, it's filthy. The tools are covered in grease and bits of sandwiches. These are men’s toys and they are dirty.

Therefore, in my opinion, it should be your responsibility, as his wife, to emphasize cleanliness, especially when it comes to sex toys. Like children, men need to be reminded of this. I can't emphasize enough the importance of keeping sex toys clean. Ben Wa balls are meant for pleasure; therefore, are seen as a toy to men and not cleaned appropriately. It is your duty to let him know that he must clean the sex toys properly for his own sake and yours.

Now, to get back to my original point, you should not let dirty balls destroy your marriage. I think you are using these "poopy” balls as an excuse to hide your fear of change. If the Ben Wa balls make you nervous, then don't use them on yourself. But don't completely rule out anything "kinky". There is still a taboo on certain sexual activities and once you realize that there is nothing wrong with spicing up a relationship as things get stale, you'll realize you can have a very exciting and active sex life. Just start slow and communicate. Be honest.

We don't blame you husband for being ignorant. We should applaud him for being open, for crying out loud! The man used Ben Wa balls… on himself!

That makes him a bigger man than I. A bigger man than I. Good show, ole' chum.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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WHERE'S QUESTION # 396?

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QUESTION # 395: MAYHEM AT THE MALL

Dear Useless Men,

I have four very young, very active children. When we visit the mall they bounce around like rabid bunnies who scatter at the first scent of a carnivore. I spend most of my time coralling them into position beside me and hardly get any serious shopping done. Do you have any suggestions on how I can best keep them by my side so that I can shop ... soon before we all run out of underwear and socks?

Signed,
Threadbare and Tired of Chasing

Dear Threadbare,

The first thing you can try is the use of rewards. Many kids respond well to a positive outcome as a result of their behavior. When I was young we had an old man down the road who hated kids running across his lawn. He would sic his dog on us if we ran across his lawn. Our reward for not running there was not getting bit. This was not an easy thing to do, as he was actually crazy and his "lawn" was the local playground, but we did our best and only got nibbled on a little.

If that doesn't work, I suggest you use a long piece of rope. I've heard of this working and have actually seen people try this with larger groups of children. They all walk in a line holding on to the rope. Think chain gang prisoner walks. The benefit of this is that if they begin to stray you can simply lash them together with the same rope. They'll move a lot slower if you tie them all together, especially if you tie them together at the ankles. Unless they can walk really well on their hands as a group, in which case they should only be at the mall if you have them busking for change.

The final suggestion is that you leave them at home. This will work best if you leave them with adult supervision. If you can find the crazy old man from my childhood, he would do very well as the kids would all barricade themselves in their rooms until you got home and shooed the old fellow out.

The uneducated might suggest shopping online, but if they can get into that much trouble in the mall, I can only imagine the horrors they could uncover roaming the internet!

It might be easier to raise them all to go commando after all. Just keep lots of powder handy in the summer time.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 394: A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION

Dear Useless Men,

Just supposing there was a guy (not me) who constantly fought and argued with his wife about watching those stupid shows like Dancing with the stars and How do I look ? But over time, this make believe guy actually started to kind of sorta like these shows, but he kept acting like he was disgusted with watching them, and one day his wife said, "You're right these shows are stupid and I have been selfish. We will no longer watch them!", but he really kind of wanted to still watch them?

1. Do I. . . . I mean this make-beleave person, still get the credit for winning the fight, although it's not really what he wanted?

2. What percentage of my. . . . .I mean his, manly man-ness would be deducted for admitting that he really actually liked these girlie-girl shows? It would not be considered 'coming out of the closet' would it?

Jon

Dear Jon,

I love make-believe people. I once had a friend named Gus. It was surprising how often I could tell people about my friend Gus and his “problems” and people would be happy to give Gus advice. In a small way, perhaps being the carrier of that advice from these helpful experts back to my make believe friend Gus is really the genesis of this blog.

Now, as for your friend, let’s call him Gus as well. There could be far worse things for Gus to watch then Dancing with the Stars. Granted, this is really the last ditch effort for C-type celebs like Joey “Mr. Glad” Lawrence and Mario Lopez, but have you seen the babes they are dancing with? That’s some good television.

It reminds me of the eighth grade when the class had to choose between taking a course in technical studies or in home economics. I was too proud to choose Home Ec, but too frightened of the machines to choose Tech. I put either or, and let my fate be decided by the principal.

She put me in Home Ec. I was the only boy in a class with 23 young girls. I would get on the bus after class, and the guys that finished making their third ashtray would tease me, and call me “gay”. Then it struck me. The ashtray, I mean. But that knock to the head cleared my senses, and I realized, I’m not the one that is “gay”. I have all but two brutes in the entire graduating class doting on me for an entire afternoon. There is no competition.

When Nicole, the little hottie, spilled some juice on her tight white jeans, guess who was there dabbing the club soda on her thigh? That’s right, folks. Me. It was everything in my nervous power not to take it any further either.

I’d have a nice snack, get the inside track on all the girls, even getting close with a few, while my buddies would be sweating it out in a woodshop with 25 other guys and two girls that could beat you senseless with a 2X4 before they ripped your gonads out through your neck.

And in the end, I’ve never needed to use a lathe again. But I have been able to replace a button on my shirt in a pinch, while leaning the best way to slice an onion without crying. Who’s gay now, Jimmy? Not Gus and Me.

There is no loss of manliness when you use girlie things to enjoy the ladies more. That’s not useless. That’s genius.

As to whether you get credited a win in the fight, I think we should turn that over to our television audience and they can submit their votes in comments in true TV fashion.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 393: USEFULLY USELESS MARRIAGE ADVICE

Dear Useless Men,

I am a usefully useless female, how can I ever hope to get married or have children?

-Useless Kristie Lee

Dear Kristie Lee,

Hi. How's it going?

You know what? Don't answer that. You'll probably just confuse me. Yes, confuse me like you did when you called yourself "usefully useless". I couldn't figure that one out at all. Does it mean you're useful? Or does it mean you're useless? I was so confused that I even had to ask One Useless Man what he thought. It baffled him so much that he actually got up and went to the bathroom. I presume to think about it. I don't know. He never came back.

I don't know if it was your goal to confuse us so thoroughly, but you succeeded. And as a result, I have six less brain cells to answer your question with. Regardless of that fact, I have six less brain cells to answer your question with.

Allow me to continue. It's surprisingly easy to get married. In some shady areas of town, it’s even easier to get children. You'll just have to throw out all your pre-conceptions of love, and conceptions of children, and just get real.

In order to get married, you simply have to lower your standards. I'm not saying you should exchange vows with the first Harry, Dick, Tom willing to divorce his 3 wives for you, but maybe a trip to Vegas wouldn't hurt. Think, Ross and Rachel. Think, Chandler and Monica. Yes, TV has shown us that Vegas weddings are a reality. Unless of course, Friends wasn't a reality show. But let's face it; everything on TV is reality. But even if it wasn't, it still showed viewers how to have children.

There's the adoption technique, as played out by Monica and Chandler. This is a good method and a perfect backup for when the old-fashioned way fails. But no method is more exciting than the BBB, or, Black-market Baby Buy, which nearly happened to Rachel. In this instance, for a nominal fee, you may purchase a stolen baby from a scoundrel.

Remember, Friends was Reality TV, and, whether you are useless or not, getting married and having children can be a reality for you, too.

Good luck, and can I bring a guest to the wedding?

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 392: STONE AGE SLACKERS

Dear Useless Men,

I have been shopping at hardware stores for my husband's Christmas presents for as long as I can remember. He has a tool for every job imaginable ... except whatever task is currently at the top of my "Honey Do" list. What could I buy him this year so he will always be sure to have what I need?

Tired of Waiting

Dear Tired,

Women across the generations have mistakenly assumed that men are lazy and don't do the tasks that their wives give them. What it really comes down to is survival. Men know that women only keep us around as a means to avoid having to fix all this stuff themselves. This actually makes them lazy, but let's not argue over that right now, shall we?

Men simply leave the item at the top of the list because it is obviously of some importance. Completion of said task may render us officially useless. Most wives complain about clutter around the house and dispose of useless things. We simply wish to remain married and as such will complete other tasks on the list, but not usually the biggie on the top.

This dates back to the caveman days when Gorak and Grima were happily married in their cave. Grima remembered being courted by Gorak and getting clubbed over the head and dragged to his cave. Women hold a grudge like nobody else, so she looked to get even with him and created the first known “Honey Do” list. This list was even more inconvenient because not only was it an infringement of Gorak's free time, but it was also chipped into the stone of the cave wall. This meant that if he didn't listen to Grima, he had to hang around the cave and watch for updates to the list.

Gorak, who hadn't encountered one of these lists before, assumed it was his duty to complete it and worked hard at it until the last item had been completed. Upon noticing that Gorak had done all that was required of him, Grima kicked him out of the cave and told him to get bent. She hooked up with a loincloth model and frolicked around for the rest of her days, leaving Gorak to die of a broken heart.

Knowing this, we men have a biological distrust for those "Honey Do" lists. As you can see, we look past your laziness and ignore that top item out of love.

The next time you see your husband shirking that top item, you make sure you don't nag at him. Instead, give him a hug and tell him you love him, too.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat.


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QUESTION # 391: GETTING AN ESCORT

Dear Useless Men,

Every day I'm late for work. 2 minutes late. 10 minutes late. All I want to know is what do I have to do to get a police escort?

Speedy

Dear Speedy,

You've come to the right place. I've received several police escorts in my short life and I would gladly take you on as an apprentice.

The first thing you need to know is that police will only escort you if they really think you need to get to wherever it is you're going. Like when you're pregnant. If you're so dialated that you're propped back in your chair with your knees up and the baby is doing the steering steering, the police will probably give you an escort (once they're done taking pictures to put up on their MySpace accounts with the caption "lol u guys ull never guess what i saw at work 2day").

But the being pregnant angle only works if you have precious moments to spare to stop and explain that you don't rent your womb to an ugly naked midget that drives you places, but that in fact you are with child. And if you're in a big enough hurry, this is, of course, not the case.

With enough practice, though, even the moderately tardy can employ the police when trying to get to work on time. This is how you do it. Get in your car. Start said car. Back out of the driveway at a leisurely pace. Shift car into "Drive”. At this point you might as well drop a brick on the gas pedal because you're not going to let off of it.

This is where amateurs usually make a mistake. When they see the cop following behind them, his lights flashing, they usually pull over. But how does this help you get to work on time? Actually, what the cop is saying is, "This person is in a hurry! Shove off you lot!" Depending on how far you live from your job, he might even bring his buddies in. They'll all get right there with you, flashing their lights, and move the jerks off the road so you can go by!

Sometimes they even get the news in on it, advising motorists not to take your route so that you'll have better chances of clocking in on time.

Just don't listen to those Nosy Nancies that argue that you should leave a few minutes earlier than you do normally. As modern day citizens of the world, we are entitled to our rights to be escorted by the police to our jobs!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 390: A CUP-O-TIM AND A DUTCHIE

Dear Useless Men,

Last week, in an undisclosed location in the US, there was a box of Tim Horton donuts on the table in the lunch room at work. One of my coworkers grabbed a donut and proceeded to gobble it down. (she had chocolate on her chin during our entire, painfully long conversation.)

I told her about how my friends and I used to cross the US and Canadian border from Detroit to Windsor just to eat at Tim Horton's.(back in the 90's before Tim Horton's came to the US.)

She asked me "Why did you drive so far for a donut and coffee?"

I am not sure. Do you know? Is there something better about sugar and caffeine North of the Border?

I did a lot of crazy things in my youthful days, but this one is just inexplicable!

Any thoughts you might have would be helpful.

Thank you,
Mary

Dear Mary,

You wild and crazy Gal!

There is no easy answer to this question. What I'll try and do is simplify the best I can when dealing with history and science and historical science while not forgetting the engineering elements. No, there is no simple answer. In order to collect my thoughts, I referred to my elementary school hockey history/science textbooks.

The first and foremost answer is that Tim Horton was a Canadian and a hockey player who started his NHL career with the Toronto Maple Leafs when they were good (Yes, I went there!), winning four Stanley Cups. The simplest answer would be that Tims coffee is better because Tim Horton's is associated with a Canadian hockey legend. Tim Horton was also a very effective puck carrier, which brings me to my next point.

Donuts are a lot like hockey pucks. The Dutchie, which was a Horton original, along with the Apple Fritter, is a square donut and one of my favourites. The importance here is that Tim Horton played right-wing for the Leafs from '64-'65, where effectively he would be passing the "Dutchie" on the left hand side.

It was only natural that Tim Horton’s would move into the States. Just look at the history of hockey. The modern game (as we now know it) started in Montreal in 1875, and by 1880 the first hockey club was established. By the time the Stanley Cup was first awarded in 1893, the US had played their first hockey games at Yale University. The first Tim Horton’s was established in Hamilton, Ontario, or more commonly known as the "City with the Hole in the Middle". The eventual partnership with Wendy's Restaurants assured Tim Horton’s move into the US was inevitable.

By 1985 the first Tim Horton’s opened in Amherst, New York. It should be noted here that though it seems like a far drive to go from the US to Canada just for a donut and coffee, the fact remains that Detroit is just across a river from Windsor, Ontario. It would be far crazier to drive to Amherst, New York from Detroit for Timmy's (that's what we Canadians call Tim Horton). Mind you, with the stricter border regulations now, it probably isn't worth the drive to Windsor anymore.

Lastly, since Tim Horton was a hockey player, it makes sense that after numerous falls onto the ice that one might get tired of the cold, salty (usually a salty brine or water with antifreeze that runs in pipes below the ice to lower the foundation temperature making the water on top freeze better) moisture one would inevitably consume. What better way to get the cold saltiness out of your system than with hot coffee and sweet donuts.

It's not craziness that brought you to Canada for a cup-o-tim and a dutchie. Like all things Canadian, you come for the hockey and you stay for the coffee and donuts.

As only Red Green can say, “Keep your stick on the ice!”

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 389: THE CAR OF THE FUTURE

Dear Useless Men

What is the best criteria to consider when buying a new car? How should I decide?

Careful Buyer

Dear Careful Buyer,

When buying a car, you always need to look into the future. You need to consider not what you'll want, but what someone else will want when you've outgrown your car. You'll have to challenge the way you think about vehicles from now on. Consider your new car not as a new car, but as a trade-in. Try to imagine what someone in the future will want in a used car. The more you plan for the future, the more your car will be worth when it comes time to trade it in.

I would strongly suggest a futuristic paint-scheme. In the coming years, fuscia will become a very popular colour. Most people in the future will want a brightly coloured car to combat the overload of silver and beige minivans clogging parking lots everywhere.

Future denizens of earth will have sunglasses surgically implanted onto their faces to protect their eyes from the sun. With permanent sunglasses, they won't be able to see regular dash lights. To accompany the bright paint scheme, look for a model with neon dash lights.

You'll also want the Accident Self-avoidance System, also known as A.S.S., which luckily runs on toast, for obvious reasons. In conjunction with that, look for models with a self-actuating multi-toaster and an external bread-loader. If you run out of toast, you'll crash.

The future is a dangerous place. People will fall asleep at the wheel and crash on a daily basis. The best way to avoid falling asleep is to have barbed wire seats with flaming headrests. People in the future won't buy a car without this safety feature, so be warned if you decide against it.

In the department of communications, cellphones will be a thing of the past, so ask the salesperson for a model with a supersonic pamplemouse phone which blasts phone calls via the radio, through new French Pamplemouse satellites. They're fab. Although, the downside is all your conversations will be auto-translated into le Français.

If you're into luxury, seek out a car with voice command system. Yelling keywords like "nice rack" and "what's that smell?" will clean off your muddy roof-rack before the bellboy loads your pretty luggage on top, and trigger the air deodorizer, respectively.

My favourite is the auto-honk-mimic feature. Need to honk 3 times? Simply yell "honk-honk-honk!" and your horn will mimic you. If you're really mad, just yell "honnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk" for an extended angry honk. If you live in New York, you might want to move.

If you can't find a car with any of these features, at least demand an automatic. Then you'll be able to drive with one arm. Did you say you had one arm?

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 388: ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI

Dear Useless Men,

My girlfriend has this itsy bitsy, teeny weeny bikini. And yes, it even has yellow polka dots. She is completely hot in it. The problem is she will only wear it to the beach. How can I convince her it's appropriate for a wider variety of occasions?

The Fashion Guy

Dear Fashion Guy,

Assuming that your girlfriend is real, and assuming she does own said item of clothing there are lots of things you can do that will increase the odds of her wearing it more often. Such as:

1) If she only wants to wear it at the beach then move to the beach. It's only expensive if you actually want to live in a beach house.

2) If a beach house is out of the question financially then be creative. Cardboard boxes make good homes. Until high tide, anyways. Old cars can make a great home. If you can get one of the big old cars, you can rent part of it out to save even more money.

3) If you don't want to move then just fill your bed with sand. Sand is cheap. Don't confuse sand with the dirt on your feet though. Girls don't like dirt, but a bed full of sand is just so romantic.

4) Change your wardrobe. She may just feel self-conscious walking around in a bikini when you are fully dressed. Buy one of those male thong bathing suits women love to see us in and wear it all the time. It will help draw a bit of the attention off of her when you are out in public. I’m sure it will help her relax.

5) Give all her clothes to charity. If she asks where her clothes went, just use the typical "Duh, I don't know" response we men are famous for.

The point here is to be creative. Men everywhere want you to succeed.

And we want pictures. So don't email us again with your stories unless you have picture proof to back it up.

Yours sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 387: WHO AM I, THAT I SHOULD ANSWER YOUR EMAIL?

Dear Useless Men,

Are you ever going to ask for my forgiveness?

Signed
God

Dear God,

Wow. I didn’t know you used email. Or is that supposed to be You, with the capital letters?

I know You’ve used flaming bushes to communicate. I know you’ve talked directly to a few good men, like Moses and some prophets.

And You spoke to those men that wrote your book known as the Bible.

So if you could always use email, wouldn’t it have been better to write the book Yourself, send it to Lulu.com and self-publish, that way there would be far less question about the validity of your work.

I believe You, but let’s be honest. There are some that are still looking for answers. We should know. Have you seen the questions we get?

While it pleases me that You, the Lord of all Lords, and God of all Gods, would take time to drop us an email, I really feel that we should stick to talking one on one.

And if that comes across as being insincere, would You please forgive me?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 386: WEDDINGS AND WARDROBES

Dear Useless Men,

I was reading a magazine tonight which includes answers to questions, much like your own site does. One reader wrote in to ask what was appropriate to wear to a Fall wedding. So, that's my question for you.

What does a somewhat fashionable Useless Man wear to an Autumn or Winter wedding. Assuming it's not his own wedding.

Signed,
I Only Flash Men in Suits

Dear Overexposed,

Since I have been involved in a few weddings, I can safely provide an answer for this one. The answer will depend on your status in a relationship of your own though.

As a single man, your options are wide open. You can simply choose from what is in your closet. Any comfortable clothing that you like. If you don't intend to leave your table, you could always consider wearing a bib suit. Just make sure you arrive early and leave late.

While your options are tethered to your status in relationships, they are actually in reverse to what you may think. As a single and unattached person you will have the most difficult time selecting an outfit. This is because the outfit will have impact on the outcome of your evening. If you want to pick someone up, you have to decide the type of person you are looking for. If you choose to wear a nice suit, and pretend that you are a doctor, you need to figure out how best to flee the scene the next morning while in a suit. Be sure to ask the tailor for a suit built for running.

At the other extreme, you may just want to go casual. It becomes time to find a nice clean pair of jeans and a shirt. There are always combinations of the two, but in this case you should dig out that tuxedo t-shirt you have stored away for just such an occasion. This is why the tuxedo t-shirt was invented after all.

Assuming you are in a non-married relationship, you are better to dress up a little bit. Your girlfriend/fiance is likely to have gone shopping for a nice new dress for the occasion. If you are a useless gay man, then you shouldn't be reading any of this as you unconsciously, and stereotypically, are fashion savvy.

It's an unwritten law that women cannot attend a wedding in a garment that was previously worn. Must be some kind of wedding superstition or something. To this end, men must make effort to have your outfit and hers match up somehow. If you are wearing a suit, then you are in luck because fish ties come in various species. Is your girl wearing pink? Get a salmon tie. Did she not tell you what colour she's wearing? Get a rainbow trout, that way it matches with anything. The combinations are endless.

If you are a married Useless Man, you have it made. You can walk around the house naked until you wife is all dressed. Whatever you happen to put on first is going to get a "Is that what you're wearing" from her. This will save you hours of aggravation because even though your wife hasn't told you what it is you are wearing, you can rest assured that it has been selected already.

Wives mistakenly think that husbands will eventually learn some fashion sense. Even with our limited fashion skills we can put together a combination that makes even male eyes ache. A nice wide-striped shirt with polka dot tie and mismatched suit jacket and pants will have her hitting the ceiling with frustration. Then the dance begins. You will be told to change that jacket, upon which she will reassess your look. You will then be sent to change your shirt, and so on. She will spend so long getting you ready that she won't be anywhere near ready in time to leave. At this point, you can sit downstairs in front of the TV and holler up the stairs, "Aren't you ready yet? We should have left an hour ago!" She'll love that.

And as a side note, a fall wedding is not an acceptable venue for your hallowe’en costume, or so I've been told. I argued that Dracula was both well dressed, and a huge proponent of love but it was to no avail.

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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HAPPY THANKSGIVING

It’s another Canadian holiday, the origins of which were highlighted in the answer to the question below.

One Useless Man is off cruising the high seas for more video mayhem. If you hadn’t seen it before, check out the Trade of a Lifetime video from his visit to Kipling, Saskatchewan (made during the previous Canadian Long Weekend). There’s a cameo with Corbin Bernsen…



Here is something you can be thankful about. This video is One Useless Brother performing live for only the second time in his “professional” musical career. Be thankful that he didn’t choose to cover a Paris Hilton classic.



We’re sincerely sorry, Kermit.

To prove that sequels are never as good as the original, here is a video of One Useless Brother making his very first live “professional” gig.



More Q&A’s tomorrow. Send in yours today!

Sincerely,
Useless Advice From Useless Men

QUESTION # 385: THANKFULLY DIFFERENT

Dear Useless Men,

What is the difference between the Canadian Thanksgiving and the American Thanksgiving? Why are you not thankful on the same day?

Sincerely,
Turkey Timmer

Dear Turkey Trimmer,

What a timely questions to ask. Thank you so very much.

The difference between the Canadian Thanksgiving and the American Thanksgiving comes down to one thing. Canada and the U.S.A. are different countries. Henceforth and hitherto, Canadians tend to celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada, while Americans tend to celebrate Thanksgiving in the U.S.A.

As for your other question, "Why are you not thankful on the same day?", it comes down to food. And Indians. And Pilgrims in the U.S.A. And happier people in Canada.

When the first people from Europe discovered America, in 1492 or something, they must have helped the Indians to shore. History books don't really talk sensibly about this, but I assume that the Indians were just swimming around in the ocean wishing they could find land to live on when the Europeans spotted them.

Being helpful types, the Europeans took the Indians on board, and then went on to discover America. The Indians were let off the boat first, in case there were scary monsters on the shore I figure. This must be why they claim to be the First Nation to live in America.

The first winter was hard for the Pilgrims. And for the Indians. But the Indians had strong shoulders and legs from all that ocean swimming, and they quickly kicked the crap out of the animals they found. They ended up with lots of food and warm clothes and such.

During the summer, when the Pilgrims thawed out, they spied on the Indians and snuck stuff from them, likely when they were sleeping. By fall the Pilgrims had lots of stuff, too. Now the Pilgrims were thankful. And they all had a big party, which they later named “Thanksgiving”.

Meanwhile in Canada, the Europeans who went there came prepared. They opened up shopping malls and fast food places as soon as they landed. They bought their food from the Indians they had helped to shore.

So everyone was happy.

But as fall approached, the Canadians became jealous of the American Pilgrims and their fancy-schmansy Thanksgiving holiday. The Canadians decided to have one too. They picked an earlier date just to be contrary, as we Canadians tend to be at times, when we aren't being overly polite.

Of course, history books will try to tell you it has something to do with the crops in Canada being harvested earlier than those in the U.S.A.

But whom are you going to believe? Historians who are trying to keep their high paying jobs by making up facts? Or Useless Men who provide you with actual facts, as we see them, for no pay at all?

I think the answer is obvious.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 384: USELESS MEN CONSULT DR. PHIL

Dear Useless Men,

Dr. Phil said the only two things he needs to know to keep his wife happy are "yes, dear" and "I really love that". Is this true for all guys, or have other men evolved other ways of keeping the peace/placating women?

Signed,
She Who Must Be Obeyed

Dear Ayesha,

For this question I decided to go straight to the source. That's right. We may be useless, but we've got contacts. I decided to fly Dr. Phil in for a quick meeting of the minds, so to speak, so we could discuss the finer points of this question.

(Disclaimer: This is for real. I've even attached some pictures for you, but in true Useless Men fashion, they're quite terrible.)

Just Plain Useless: So, Phil. Can I call you Phil?

Dr. Phil: Whatever you want boss.

Just Plain Useless: Fantastic. So anyway Phillip, my associates and I give out advice at the website double u double u double u dot dear useless men dot com. One of our very astute readers, however, had a question on one of your practices.

Dr. Phil: Well are you going to ask it?

Just Plain Useless: Oh Bill, you're such a card. Now, this reader knows that the only two things you say to keep your wife happy are "Yes dear" and "I love that." What she's dying to find out is are all men pigs? Or just you?

Dr. Phil: Have you ever even seen my show?

Just Plain Useless: You have a show?

I hope this answers your question, She Who Must Be Obeyed.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 383: MORAL CAKE

Dear Useless Men,

I am still sleeping with my ex-boyfriend. I have a current boyfriend, and my ex has a girlfriend. We have no intention of ever being together, but the sex is amazing, and we can't/won't stop. My question is this: Is this morally wrong? Because neither of us feel bad about it.

-Lil Devil

Dear Lil Devil,

Yes! Yes it is! This is morally wrong on many levels. Especially since my ex-girlfriend will have nothing to do with me.

However, I am not here to judge, but to advise. Being the resident sex expert, I'll wait until stop giggling.... ahem ....

As I was saying, being the resident sex exp.... oh c'mon people grow up!

Let me subject you to a "hypothetical" situation: There was a man, let's call him One Brother who is Not Useful, who had a very nice relationship with a girl, let's call her Righty Palmella. Things were good between Not Useful and Righty. They had similar values and hobbies, but enough differences to keep the conversations exciting. They would play throw the ball, they would write together, and often reach for objects at the same time.

It seemed that One Brother who is Not Useful was the dominant in the relationship, but they didn't care what people thought because Righty considered herself Not Useful's right hand man, so to speak.

And yes, the sex was good.

One day, Righty injured herself. She had broken her wrist and would be in a cast for at least four weeks. One Brother who is Not Useful was supportive, doing everything he could to make things comfortable for Righty. He even got a helper, let's call her Lefty Handjelina, to assist with more stuff then she was used to. Lefty, who was always close to Righty and One Brother who is Not Useful, was happy to help.

It turned out that Lefty was not as good at certain things as Righty was. All three had been friends for as long as each could remember, and Lefty, who dated Not Useful years ago when things never progressed beyond heavy petting, was happy that Righty and One Brother who is Not Useful got together. Things were never awkward. That is until about one week after Righty was injured.

Righty was resting. One Brother who is Not Useful and Lefty were playing on the computer. It was innocent at first but they stumbled across certain unmentionable photos and videos and what was playful joking ended in unbridled and passionate lovemaking. It was a sexual experience neither had ever experienced before.

One Brother who is Not Useful had no idea sex could be so mind-blowing. While he loved Righty a lot, he could not deny the passion he had with Lefty. He and Lefty spent a lot of time making love while Righty recovered. She never suspected anything either, even after she made a full recovery. One Brother and Lefty continued their tryst. Some days, One Brother who is Not Useful would make love with Righty, only to make love with Lefty half an hour later. It was getting ridiculous. While Righty and Lefty began to grow excessive hair, it wasn't until One Brother who is Not Useful went blind that they realized this was morally wrong.

As you and your ex-boyfriend continue your little affair, just remember, you can have your cake and eat it to, but don't bite the hand that feeds you or you might get a fork-full of cake in the eye.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 382: GIVING OUR FANS A COLD SHOWER

Dear Useless Men,

I have recently become aware of your site. I thoroughly enjoy it and have posted comments. I am under the guise of this email address to admit that I have a major crush on your arbitrary nature and would probably find you irresistible if ever I was to meet you in person. Have you ever met your readers and what advice do you have for my desire to meet you?

Mysterious

Dear Mysterious,

I can only give you the same advice I get when I desire something irresistibly, “Take a cold shower.”

Cold showers are great ways to improve circulation, or reduce circulation, depending on whom you ask. It’s one of those miracle situations that have little to do with the actual result, but more to do with brushing you off with a rhetorical catch all answer.

We have never met our readers, but that statement creates more mystery than clarity. Why haven’t we met our readers? Is it because we don’t go out? Or is it that we don’t actually have readers?

Or, when readers meet us, do they clam up and realize the mistake they made and quickly change subjects? Or do they just stare at us through the Tim Horton’s window as we scarf down our third honey crueller, instead of coming in to meet us at some pre-arranged time.

For a while, we would visit our readers in an effort to say thank you. While visiting their blogs and leaving comments is appreciated, visiting their homes and taking pictures through the windows was not.

Typically, Useless Men can be found everywhere. We appeared at the One Red Paperclip house in Kipling, Saskatchewan to take in Saskatchewan’s Biggest House Warming Party Ever. We can be found in our Delorean at car shows across Ontario. Mostly, we can be found listening to the live musical grooves of the mostly talented, less useless musician and friend to Useless Men, Mike Evin.

But if that’s not enough of a clue, just ask us. We’d be happy to oblige with an 8X10-autographed photo of a few of us. It’s the least we can do for our biggest fans.

Actually, that’s the most we can do for our biggest fans, based on the court order.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 381: A LESSON IN SCOTCH

Dear Useless Men,

My friend just got engaged to a Scotsman. He's a great guy, but he doesn't wear kilts. Any insight as to why he does not embrace his heritage? I'm not sure what to tell her because I'm excited for her, but truly disappointed in his lack of patriotism. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Concerned friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

I'm very happy for your friend and her forthcoming marriage. I hope it's long and full of love and meat. The edible kind. You know? Like, sausages?

This is going downhill fast.

A few years ago, a friend of mine was married wearing his kilt and all the guests were impressed that he was truly bare down there. He was so bare, he could've shot a baby commercial the same day. I don't think his parents were too happy about it though, since he's Jamaican. That was an unusual day.

This Scotsman marrying your friend might not be wearing a kilt on the outside, but deep down inside, he still may love his wee country. You seem to be truly concerned about the kilt business, and there could be a number of reasons he doesn't wear one, all of which likely revolve around small children.

He may be afraid of impending charges of indecent exposure due to all the 'accidental' flashing that accompanies kilt wearing. Or perhaps his cheeks are sore from all the slaps from the furious mothers of the blinded children. Then again, he might just be a little apprehensive about showing his prosthetic leg in public. But I'm just speculating now.

He may not be outwardly displaying his patriotism, but when the sun sets he could be sneaking off to his private thistle garden for a nice evening with some Scotch and some Scotty on the SciFi Channel. If he's not too shnockered, maybe he'll indulge in a wee bit of Haggis too, while Mr. Scott tries to explain to Kirk, for the fiftieth time, that he “canna do it”.

He may be so worried about wearing a kilt that he has decided to honour his homeland in another very fun way.

After the long night of drinking and purging the Enterprise's warp drive, he might stumble into bed, where your friend awaits, and teach her how to play his bagpipes. If you don’t squeeze them just right, he’ll be letting out one heck of a wail.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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