QUESTION # 476: PARANOID NOID
Dear Useless Conglomerate,
Why are people so paranoid? Don't you think one noid is enough? And whatever happened to the noid, anyway? Do you think his fate is the same as Jimmy Hoffa?
Signed,
Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
Life is a scary thing. Especially when you're useless, having to depend on others for many of life's simplest tasks. The unknown frightens people. Fear of the unknown frightens people even more. But this isn't paranoia. Not until one starts obsessing. And it's a distinct possibility that 51% of the 88% of people with fears are obsessed to the point of paranoia.
Can you blame them?
There are three things in this world one can always count on: Death, Taxes, and Love Triangles. There is always someone out there trying to "get" somebody else. And if you've ever been to Speedy Muffler, you know “You're a somebody.” The question begging to be asked is, are you the “somebody” who's being chased? The chances are good, my friend.
Ask any prostitute about this. An 18-year-old mother of three, with 2-gallons of hope in a bottle on her face, is an expert at hiding her fear. "Managers", you see, aren't the nicest guys. As a result of this trait, Prosties, as I like to call them, live in constant fear.
Like any employee based in sales, their numbers are tracked, and annual "sales" must continually increase to offset inflation and cost of living expenses for cigar-smoking “Managers”. When the numbers start going down, things ain't peachy.
The 18 year old Prostie needs to feed her family - and pizza isn't cheap. So, what's a girl to do? Well, if she's sly enough, and hangs out at the right Gentleman's Clubs, she just might run into the elusive Dominos 'Noid, who, I heard was looking for a new girl.
Seriously. If it's free pizza for life we're talking about, wouldn't you turn a few?
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
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Why are people so paranoid? Don't you think one noid is enough? And whatever happened to the noid, anyway? Do you think his fate is the same as Jimmy Hoffa?
Signed,
Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
Life is a scary thing. Especially when you're useless, having to depend on others for many of life's simplest tasks. The unknown frightens people. Fear of the unknown frightens people even more. But this isn't paranoia. Not until one starts obsessing. And it's a distinct possibility that 51% of the 88% of people with fears are obsessed to the point of paranoia.
Can you blame them?
There are three things in this world one can always count on: Death, Taxes, and Love Triangles. There is always someone out there trying to "get" somebody else. And if you've ever been to Speedy Muffler, you know “You're a somebody.” The question begging to be asked is, are you the “somebody” who's being chased? The chances are good, my friend.
Ask any prostitute about this. An 18-year-old mother of three, with 2-gallons of hope in a bottle on her face, is an expert at hiding her fear. "Managers", you see, aren't the nicest guys. As a result of this trait, Prosties, as I like to call them, live in constant fear.
Like any employee based in sales, their numbers are tracked, and annual "sales" must continually increase to offset inflation and cost of living expenses for cigar-smoking “Managers”. When the numbers start going down, things ain't peachy.The 18 year old Prostie needs to feed her family - and pizza isn't cheap. So, what's a girl to do? Well, if she's sly enough, and hangs out at the right Gentleman's Clubs, she just might run into the elusive Dominos 'Noid, who, I heard was looking for a new girl.
Seriously. If it's free pizza for life we're talking about, wouldn't you turn a few?
Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder
Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.
Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.
Labels: advertising, food, free stuff, paranoia, The Useless Wonder
Advice given at
4:33 PM
3 Comments:
I've never had a love triangle. I feel really ripped off now.
By
Laura, at 8:03 AM
Turn a few?!? For free pizza I'd marry the guy and do three-somes (as long as the third person was female and she owned a beer distribution company)!
By
Mr. Don, at 3:56 PM
Right on Don. Free beer and pizza? I'd play the gimp! Where's my leather?
By
salesman bill, at 11:43 PM
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