QUESTION # 512: SPRING FEVER

Dear Useless Men,

I'm so confused. Just exactly which of the following is the true meaning of "spring fever"?

1) the dang cold bug that everyone gets in the spring
2) the crazed sex acts of wild animals and prom goers
3) the urgency to take down the dusty curtains and wash them, the windows and the window sills...carefully picking out the dead fly wings from the rag
4) the desire to plant things in the dirt, check on the things previously planted and pretend you are warm enough without your coat while doing so

or is there another definition? please help me! you think it's bad being useless, try being confused!

ms. Creek

Dear Ms. Creek,

The answer is none of the above. And if you think it’s bad being useless, you don’t know useless. It’s really rather easy being useless. It’s much easier than being confused. Allow me to massage that confusion into a tech shop ashtray. Everything I made in tech shop became an ashtray. I don’t know why. In fact, I feel bad that my mom had to take up smoking just to keep me interested in the trades. I failed tech, but my mom has continued smoking. She’s no quitter.

Spring fever is the more common side effect of tetanus. Originally known as a low-grade rusty spring fever, the afflicted usually suffered discomfort while working on bed mattresses.

Springs can be very dangerous. Sure, they are soft and springy, like the ground in the season of the same name, but don’t let one of those things cut you. You could find yourself with Spring fever.

You’ll know you have spring fever if you find yourself jumping up and down on a new bed mattress. Not a used mattress. If you’re doing that, you’re just being childish.

It’s that jumping that causes the spring fever confusion. First found in rabbits, many people thought that it caused higher sexual desire. I can assure you that’s not true. Carrots are the cause of rabbit love. They are a truly phallic vegetable.

And the bed mattress connection didn’t help either. You only figure that out once you’ve washed all the windows so you can see clearly into a neighbour’s house. Of course, you wouldn’t care what your neighbours were doing behind open curtains if you weren’t busy looking inconspicuously at the neighbour bent over in the garden. People just have such dirty little minds.

Get your head out of the gutter, and get it into a doctor’s office. You can never get enough tetanus protection.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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