QUESTION # 570: MINTY FRESH MINDS

Dear Useless Men,

My kids use a lot of toothpaste. A lot. In fact we had half a tube at the beginning of the week and now we are down to none. Interestingly, they do not like to brush their teeth. What is going on?

Signed,
Weary, Pasty, Shopping Mom

Dear Weary, Pasty, Shopping Mom

Sounds like you've got a terminal case of artists in your house. While I applaud their creativity, I also am wondering about your tyrannical reign of cleanliness. Toothpaste is known to be a method of removing crayon from walls and your children sound like they are simply cleaning their artwork off the walls before you can see it.

While this seems to be a thoughtful action on their part, I worry. Not many children would think to clean crayon off of walls let alone discover such an odd method of doing so. This tells me that, in their fear of the repercussions of their creative bender, they researched methods of cleaning up before you got home. I worry for their mental well being, as children are not supposed to clean, as it is bad for them. That's why they choose not to in most normal situations. What damage must have been done to them in the past to make them undergo such aberrant behaviour?

If you are certain it isn't your doing, then I would strongly recommend getting to the root of their compulsion to clean. If they are only cleaning the walls, then it may not be too late to save them. If you find they are vacuuming and doing dishes already, then it is probably too late for them and they are doomed to a life of uncreative doldrums.

Finding the cause of their compulsion will mean getting them to delve into their past. Kids are not good at remembering the past, which is why when you ask them such questions as "How did the dog get into the washing machine?" you are generally given the answer, "I don't know." This will mean that you should look into regression through hypnosis.

There are many reputable therapeutic hypnotists out there and can be researched with your local phone book. If they are a little out of your price range, then you can go to a bar when they have a comedy hypnotist in house. After the show, offer the entertainer about half of what the "professionals" quoted and he'll do whatever you need. This would also be a good time to implant other suggestions while he is in their minds. A personal favourite of mine is to get them to scream uncontrollably whenever presented with a stuffed toy. This is limitless entertainment, as people always seem to bring stuffed toys as gifts for kids so that their rooms are overrun with the little critters.

My only suggestion is that you leave the room when the hypnotist is doing his thing. While you want your kids to explore their past to determine what psychological trauma has taken place, you don't need them exploring your past. Imagine your bargaining power when they already know you are telling them not to do things you've done. What a mess indeed!

And unless you wish to spend the rest of your days clucking like a chicken, make sure you pay the guy in cash.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 569: INVITATION TO ANARCHY

Dear Useless Men,

OK... So I know it's been done before... I've done so for others but I am still gonna jump on the bandwagon...

I will be on holiday July 26 - August 6 and yes... I am looking for bloggers to go out on a limb and do a post on The Dutch Files during that time...

Oh come on! You know you want to hijack this blog and f@&k it up! You do!

Will I have to beg? *cracking dutchbitch whip*

Anyways: I would love to know if you are ready to do this. As far as I am concerned you can write about anything.

If you are up for it, let me know!!!

DutchyHugz,
DutchBitch

Dear DutchBitch,

You want us to post for you? Us? Useless Men? Not only are we unworthy to post on your site, we have no idea what we could possibly write about? I mean, we even censored the swear word in your question…

Hey, it’s YOUR blog, and you asked, so here is a post for you. Just copy and paste THIS answer from our blog to YOUR blog and then we can both be satisfied. No begging.

Begging is unbecoming. Or so I’ve been told whenever I beg for things. Like a Dutchie. I love Dutchies! Do you have Dutchies in that place that you come from? Dutchyland?

Dutchies are delicious. They are these gooey doughnuts, with raisins. RAISINS! As if sugar glazed doughy goodness wasn’t enough, they added RAISINS! If I could add one baking supply to MY blog, it’d be chocolate chips, because more people like chocolate than anything else. But if it wasn’t chocolate chips, it would be sprinkles. They’re colourful and delicious too. Raisins would definitely be third though.

And what is better than the third best baking supplement in a doughnut? I’ll tell you! They make the Dutchie doughnut SQUARE! YES! SQUARE! There is no hole, so no wasted dough, and it is square. You can eat it like a sandwich! In fact, that may be the greatest thing ever… A doughnut sandwich! Slice a dutchie in half, add your favourite sandwich filling, or egg salad, some lettuce, a slice of tomato, a pickle on the side, and VOILA! (Voila is French. French is Canada’s second language. Legally, I have to use both languages when corresponding internationally.) The Duthchie Sandwich, named after the most Dutchilicious Dutchie Dutch that a Useless Man could ever know.

That’s really all I’ll have when you are away. A Dutchie Sandwich. I fill my lonliness with food. So if I gain 12 pounds over the 12 days of your holiday, don’t feel guilty, but know this:

I’m blaming you for my flabby thighs.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 568: CALL ME A SHIPWRECK

Dear Useless Men,

I'm watching one of those late night ads for the call me for a good time girls. You know the kind that say they are always waiting for YOUR call. All the women are about 20 or younger with huge boobs and nothing else to do with their time but get out of swimming pools, slowly and twirl phone cords while smirking at the camera.

My question is... Do men REALLY think any of those women are eager for their call? If they do, why are men such simpletons?

Just Curious.

Dear Just Curious,

Just how curious are you? ... Sorry, this is neither the time or place for that and I apologize.

The short answer is: YES.

The not as short, but still rather minimal answer is: men don't THINK these women are waiting for our calls. We KNOW these women are waiting for our calls, because we ARE Simpletons.

The much longer answer, more so than you cared to hear, is this: To truly understand the "Call me for a Good Time Girls" phenomenon, we have to go as far back as ancient Greece and a small village called {B>{I}< which, when translated, is Simple.

It was here that Homer created his lesser known work called {B>{I}<>{I}<8} "Simpleton's". Homer's "Simpleton's" is a precursor to his more popular work "Odyssey" and tells the harrowing tale of the first ever encounter of the legendary Siren's by Simpleton Voyagers.

The people of Simple were a simple folk. The village was literally the very definition of simple. They were hard working, kind and adventurous. If it weren't for the Simpleton's skilled boat building techniques, most of the Mediterranean would be vastly undiscovered today. It was on one of their many seafaring journey's where it is said that the crew of the ~Simple I~ all went missing. All but one crewman.

The only survivor was a blind, deaf mute. The poor soul tried to convey the horrors of the trip to the village leaders by drawing a picture, but the squiggly mess was all Greek to them.

It was decided that a similar journey should take place, but this time they thought it best to bring along a poet (hence the origin of the phrase, "Should have brought a Poet"). A young, blind scholar by the name of Homer who was famous for his photographic memory (back then, they just called him the guy who remembers everything) was chosen for his ability to remember everything he hears. The journey would last days and eventually Homer washed up on the shore near Simple and once he was nursed back to health he regaled the townsfolk with the tale of a normal sea voyage gone wrong.

It all started when the crew started hearing the most lovely of music sung by what they all thought were the voices of the gods themselves. The captain of the vessel steered towards the seductive sound and came upon an Ilse where beautiful women sat and sang melodies as sweet as sugar. An unsettling silence fell over the ship and it was then that Homer heard the crew members start screaming, "The women! They are Monsters!", followed by sounds of bones breaking and flesh being torn.

If not for the good sense of the Captain who threw the young, blind Poet overboard where he drifted aimlessly till he washed ashore, the world would go on not knowing the danger of Siren's.

Like the Siren's of lore, who lured sailors to their deaths, so do the ladies of the late night "Call Me" ads. Like the ancient Greek village of Simple proved, all men are essentially Simpleton's and doomed to the lure of the seductive Siren's song.

The only difference? Modern day Siren's don't gouge men’s eyes out, but rather their wallets. Let’s be very clear here, as well. The risk of certain death is very much real, even to this day, because, if my Wife finds out how much money I've spent on these Siren's, she'd kill me.

Ahhh, but I've taken enough of your time now. Lo! Tis the sweet sound of the Nightingale calling! Her name is Brandy.

See Ya!

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 567: TELEVISION FOR THE USELESS

Dear Useless Men,

I remembered you said you were talking to the people who had done television and other things that you might do with the Useless Men. Did anything work out with some of that? I've had my fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you all this time. It's been rough.

I hope you've had some interest in getting UM published or broadcast or something. I saw a TV show today which was fun, Exhibit Eh, just two guys traveling across Canada showing towns that had little mysteries and such. It was put on by some small production company but ran on CTV this afternoon.

I think you guys would be great for something like that.

TV Lover

Dear TV Lover,

I said NO SUCH THING. At least not on the site, from whatever search engine I was using would find. But to any aspiring TV producers out there, …

... Call me. Let’s Talk....

We have had a talk with a television producer, as well as a radio producer and a publishing agent. Most of the time the conversation stopped with, ”Useless what? Who is this?”

We are working to brand ourselves, and not in the old west sort of way. We tried that and The Useless Wonder can attest to the fact that aloe really does help with burns.

Now your idea is interesting. This travel Exhibit program could work with our format. It will take a few incarnations if they are at Exhibit Eh, to get to Exhibit U, just as it took seven different variations to get to Preparation H.

I imagine Exhibit U would be a reality TV show with the Useless Men traveling to cities and towns with a film crew filming surprised viewers, the U is for YOU from outside their homes. A Peeping Tom’s eye view of the world around us.

We tried a couple times to shoot a pilot episode.

We approached the subject from the north, while he was watching what appeared to be a NASCAR race in the evening. The secluded side of the house made our approach easier, but hampered our escape which ended with a couple of loud threats and a can of Coke thrown through the back window of my Metro as we drove away. Try explaining THAT to your insurance.

The second one, trying to avoid the fear we may have instilled in the darkness, took place in the early morning daylight, but also ended abruptly with a shriek and some panic on both parties part. Our cameraman fell down the fire escape of the second story apartment, after observing our subject putting on her make-up and other adornements. After running out of her bedroom, which we had deemed “the set”, our subject kindly called the police, which was actually helpful in getting our cameraman to the hospital before we were taken in for questioning.

So there are still a few kinks to be worked out, like privacy laws, but we’re pretty sure we’re onto something. Keep crossing your everything, and maybe hold your breath as well!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 566: ENVIRO-DOMINATION

Dear Useless Men,

I was just being sucked in the Useless Men blog, when I came across one that was Al Gore related. I think we need a new word for guys like this. Dr. David Suzuki is an environmentalist, as he understands the science and facts. Al Gore is an "environmangelist" as he is just spouting off what he read in the newspaper this morning. Nothing wrong with the environmangelist, as he's getting the message out, but a better word is required.

So there.

Dear So There,

Now, I realize this isn't technically a question... You see, being the astute (thank you, thesaurus.com) advice columnist I have become since joining the ranks of Useless Men all those days ago, I was quick to notice the distinct lack of a question mark anywhere in the above text. In fact, upon closer inspection, it is obvious you have no desire to be "advice-ified" (thank you, caffeine-fueled creativity) on this particular topic, but would rather dole out the advice yourself. To this, I can only say one thing...

Back off, Jack! The position's been filled!

Actually, I have to admit that I found your letter rather fascinating and, the lack of a question mark not withstanding, felt I would be doing our readers a great disservice if I didn't pass along your insight.

I found it very refreshing to read a comment from somebody who isn't willing to blindly accept the information we are force-fed by the media everyday. Someone who sees past the buzzwords and catch-phrases. Someone with enough intestinal fortitude to stand up and speak out!

I not only whole-heartedly agree with your assessment of the situation, but I applaud you for the clever word you have coined for describing this man.

David Suzuki... EnvironMENTALIST, indeed!

At first, I wasn't sure what you were trying to get at with that "mentalist" bit, so I did a little web-surfing. I watched a cool video about some dude and a red paperclip, fired off a couple of emails, and was about to put a bid in on eBay for an original, in-the-package Optimus Prime, when I got a nasty reminder email from One Useless Man and decided it was probably best if I got back to work.

I Google-d the word in question and was surprised at what I found. Did you know that a mentalist is someone who can read thoughts and plant suggestions in other people's minds? Well, of course YOU did. How else would you come up with a brilliant word like "environmentalist"? I just had no way to cleverly slip the definition into this response other than through the use of a highly-contrived scenario ending in a rhetorical question, so forgive me.

You have pulled the wool away from my eyes, my friend, and now I can see the truth. I am forever in your debt. And by "forever" I mean until shortly after you finish reading this, and by "debt" I mean the kind that can be cleared with a "Thank You".

Dr. Suzuki may have recently been voted as the 5th Greatest Canadian of all time, and the greatest LIVING Canadian at that, but this just further proves the depth of this man's evil powers. He has lulled us into submission with that gentle tenor voice... We have been mesmerized by his beady little, hypnotic eyes... We are no more than a count backwards from 10 from being under his complete and total control.

We are a nation on the brink of enviro-domination and conservationist slavery!

Now is the time to wake up and smell the fossil fuels, people! Enough of the "Global Warming" and "Endangered Species" mumbo jumbo! A Canadian winter is still cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, the Saskatchewan Mosquito is alive and well, and the next time you can drive the TransCanada highway for more than 30 minutes without having to swerve around a gopher or stop behind a line up of cars to take a picture of a freaking elk, you let me know!

So, throw down your incense burners and "Sounds of the Rainforest" CDs, fire up the ol' gas barbeque, and charbroil a couple bison burgers, will ya? Because, despite what we've been told, if WE don't use it, SOMEBODY will!

So there!

Sincerely,
Useless Intern


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QUESTION # 565: MILKING A DARE

Dear Useless Men,

Have any of you ever milked a cow? Do you think you could do it if you had the opportunity, were dared to do it or had someone insist you milk that darned cow and stop being such a darned wuss about it?

Signed,
Not Really the Cow Grrl Type

Dear Not Really the Cow Grrl Type

As you know, men will do just about anything if dared to, which reminds me of how I cam e to be married, and it’s funny you should ask this question because my wife and I were just talking about this very topic the other day.

We were standing in the kitchen and …

I was saying how I enjoyed milk, while she told me of all the reasons she doesn’t enjoy it. The crux of her argument was based on where the milk comes from. Yes, cow milk comes from cow boobs. Big, round, looks-hot-in-a-Hooters-for-cows-short-shirt cow boobs. But the question posed to me was, “Would you drink milk from Claudia’s* breast?”

I thought carefully before answering, “Yes.” What if someone dared me? I would be all but forced to. Being born a guy, I must abide by the ROD, or Rules Of Dare. So, if I could drink it, then how difficult could it be to milk one of those babes? (The cows, I mean.)

Now, if the opportunity presented itself – and I’m not saying it ever has, and One Useless Man and Any More Useless, I’d Be A Cat are not saying it ever has, because we all swore an oath to each other that we’d never talk about that night no matter what, (Right guys? Right?!?), but IF the opportunity presented itself, the chances of the cow getting milked are not very good compared to the cow finding herself laying on her side in the dark. In a muddy field. Being egged.

Men definitely make natural cow-milkers. Our fingers curl naturally to fit around such an object as a sausage, or a screwdriver handle, just like a teat of a cow. Our legs bend in order to stoop beside the unnecessarily large beasts. And our brains are too preoccupied with stuff w can launch from a catapult to realize why teenagers are laughing at us and the soothing sound of squirting moo juice.

No, I haven’t milked a cow, but I’ve tormented them enough that vengeance is the only thing on their minds, so don’t call me a wuss about it unless you want me to call you a wuss for running away from that thousand-pound cat that wants to kill you because you “accidentally” locked it in a suitcase and pushed it down the stairs to simulate a kitty coaster of Sandusky proportions.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

* Name of friend has been altered to avoid humiliation. Mine.


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QUESTION # 564: A STAR IS INERT

Dear Useless Men,

Is there a danger of any of you becoming so useless that you just disappear? Kind of like inertia, just slowing down till you come to a full stop and then just sort of forget to exist? I'd miss you guys.

Mad Scientist Grrl

Dear Mad Scientist Girl,

We used to hang out with Inertia, back in the 70’s. They were known as Bud Pulley and the Cantilevers back then, and frankly, I take offense for all my fellow Useless Men (and Occasional Useless Gal) when you claim that they no longer exist. They're not pulling down the big gigs like they used to, like Harvey Greenfeld's son's Bar Mitzvah or Wednesday night at the Soggy Onion club in Kissimmee, but they're still around.

And sure, Bud's got a bum knee and can't be the stage presence that he once was, and the bassist "Rat Pie" isn't real good with his fingers ever since that salad shooter accident (he does hold the Guinness world record longest airborne flight of a human digit independent of its owner five times over). And OK, everyone by now heard about how Flip Sour's debilitating addiction to Jamba Juice would cause his tongue to get so frozen and purple that he couldn't articulate himself at all (sounding nearly as bad as Stevie Knicks), but the fellas are still going strong!

Just last week they recorded a new album. Most of it was old Jimmy Buffet songs, with the guys singing loudly over it, but it just goes to show that old musicians never die. They just decompose. If Franklin "The Drummer" Peterson were here (the guys never were very inventive with nicknames) he'd have done a rimshot for me just now.

The point is, Inertia's a great band and you should go see them busking as often as possible. They can usually be found in major southern cities going from Free Speech Zone to Free Speech Zone. You can hardly hear them for all the protesting and demonstrating going on (it's so much more efficient than letting the rabble speak their minds just wherever, like in front of the Capitol!) and sometimes one of them forgets his instrument, having to resort to playing the air-whatever, but they're still just as fantastic of showmen as they ever were.

Anyway, are the Useless Men (and Occasional Useless Gal) going to fade away like Inertia? No ma'am. If we ever were to go away, it'd be like a star -- brilliant, explosive, and gaseous.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 563: HAPPY BELATED CANADA DAY

Dear Useless Men,

I am preparing a post on Canada. I have plenty of links and videos, but I need some print jokes. Do any of you have some favorite Canada jokes? When I post about a place, I like to have input from people who are from there. Canada will be the first I've done outside of the States.

Thanks!
Miss Cellania

Dear Miss Cellania,

First, let me apologize for not getting to your question for Canada Day, which I'm sure is when you planned to unleash your post about our fair nation on the rest of the world. But May 29th was a touch early for our July 1st celebrations, but it as good a day as any, really. Either way, we're glad you included us.

You see, I think we lost power in the Useless Offices a while ago because the trademarked Advice Randomizer has been flashing 12:00AM since I started working here, and has spit out 3 Halloween-related questions, 2 of a Christmas nature, and one about Y2K (whatever THAT is).

Still, better late than never, right?

Okay, I've got a great joke for you. You're gonna love this:

A moose, a beaver, and a polar bear walk into a bar. The moose says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer and a shot of..."

No, wait...

The BEAVER says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer and shot of your best whiskey." The bartender sets the drinks in front of the beaver, who pounds them back then turns to the polar bear and...

No...

He pounds back the drinks, turns to the MOOSE and says...

Rats! It IS the polar bear... Okay, let me start over...

A moose, a beaver, and a polar bear walk into a bar. The beaver says, "Gimme a beer and a whiskey." He pounds the drinks back, turns to the POLAR BEAR, and says, "No, that's not guacamole, but go ahead anyway!"

(Insert rimshot here) Ba dum dum kisssshhhh

Get it? Not guacamole, but go ahead anyway?

Okay... I think I screwed that up and missed a part in the middle... Something about the moose's wife, maybe? I can't remember. But trust me, it's HILARIOUS when my cousin tells it!

You know, now that I think about it, there are so few people who can actually remember a joke and re-tell it with enough skill to get laughs. Seriously. How many times have you been told a joke that you were assured would bring tears to your eyes, but the only tears shed were over the 2 minutes of your life that you'll never get back after listening to the person struggle their way through a brutally botched premise and completely forgotten punchline?

Like that feeling you'll probably have by the end of this column... but worse.

Well, I have a theory.

I believe the ability to properly recall a humorous story or event is linked to a specific gene. People with the gene "switched on" can tell a good joke, are the life of the party, and do well with the ladies.

The rest of us, on the other hand, only THINK we can tell a joke, THINK that wearing a neck tie around our head and acting like Rodney Dangerfield makes us the life of the party, and only score well with women with a high capacity for pity.

On the upside, not being able to retain any form of humour for more than 10 minutes after we've been exposed to it means that the Comedy Channel can continue to air the same 6 episodes of "Just for Laughs", and sitcom writers can continue to recycle the same 4 plots for years to come. We'll still watch. We'll still laugh.

It wouldn’t matter what joke you put in your post about Canada, really. Most of us aren't going to get it, and those that do likely won't remember it.

Oh, and about those videos you said you have... If one is that clip of me from last New Year's Eve, I just want to say: It was a dare.

And that wasn't my cat.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern


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QUESTION # 562: MEDDLING MATING

Dear Useless Men,

In light of how insightful you were when answering my last question (#351)--and since following your advice, I've found myself 8 lbs. lighter and far more comfortable cutting off senseless email contact with the "'little' brain"--I would like to ask a new question that I'm completely without an answer to:

I recently attended a casual dinner party at a male friend's house with many of his female and male friends. After many drinks and lots of fun, the party disbanded and I was one of the last ones out the door. My friend offered his bed since I was far from home--and he made it clear he would stay on the sofa--but I opted to take a taxi back. After my friend walked me downstairs to a taxi and I was about to hop in, he pulled out his wallet and asked if I had enough cash and started to offer me money. Do purely platonic friends make that kind of gesture? (None of my other cheapass friends have ever behaved that way!) I got a bit of a vibe of interest from him earlier in the evening, and since then as well, and it makes me wonder whether he may be interested in me...?

Al

Dear Al,

Never get caught exchanging money in front of a cab. Think I’m joking? Trust me. I speak from experience. Not personal experience, but I’ve experienced it through movies quite a few times.

I can’t decide if it’s you or your friend that is acting criminally, but I can assure you that something smells more foul than bad fowl. … ?

I suspect your male friend is, in fact, no friend at all and that it was a set up right from the beginning. My first clue was when you said the party disbanded with no mention of the police. When heads aren’t being cracked and punks aren’t being rolled, this is suspicious.

My next clue was that you were the last to leave. Your “friend” clearly delayed you so that the others wouldn’t witness his backstabbing friendship sabotage when he handed you to the law enforcement officers.

Thirdly, Lord Snitches-a-lot walked you to the “taxi” so that the police would catch him on surveillance doing his part of the deal. Here’s the part of the movie when, had you planned this correctly, you could have dodged the life sentence you’ll be handed and ensured it was he that got 8-10 years in this whole convoluted enigmatic mystery.

If you are able to get the best in law care, a creative counselor will be able to flip this evidence over to frame him instead of you.

Nothing tests a man’s devotion more than time in the big house. When he gets paroled, in about six-months*, and his double-crossing arse comes looking for you, then I’d say, “Yes, there is a possibility he is interested in you.” There is also the slightest possibility that he is simply seeking to avenge himself. But that isn’t always known until the sequels come out.

I hope that’s the answer you were looking for. Before you answer anything more, get yourself a lawyer.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

* Based on a mathematical probation formula dictating that 1 month served will equal one year of actual sentence delivered, with time off available for good behaviour or celebrity status.


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QUESTION # 561: THOSE JEANS ARE SO FLY

Dear Useless Men,

Howdy Useless Ones!!

Long time no chat, eh! Today while surfing the Net, I stumbled across William Sledd. Apparently I am outta the loop because he's an "Internet Celebrity" and this is the first time I'd ever seen him!

Anyways... Here's his view on Jeans... (YouTube link)

Be honest now... What style of jeans do USELESS MEN wear??

~ SugarnSpice
Half the Sugar;
Twice the Spice!

Dear SugarnSpice,

I can never understand this whole surfing and stumbling scenario. Did you actually stumble? Did your chair tip a little? I tried crossing my legs in my office chair and just about flipped right over onto the concrete and oil stains. We don’t have carpet in the Useless Offices (the office also sub’s for my garage.)

I prefer to think of internet “surfing” as browsing. Isn’t that why I have to use a Browser to use it? It’s not a surf board.

I appreciate the link you sent. It helps in our research to know the frame of reference you are coming from so we can accurately address your concern. Having said that, I have no interest in another man’s opinion of pants: denim or otherwise. Useless Men don’t choose pants for fashion. We choose pants based on durability and absorbtion.

Personally, I prefer button fly jeans. Sure it’s a little more work, but I don’t want any metal mashing teeth being manipulated in that area of my body. Or any other area that has a lot of hair.

I can’t say what brand of jeans we prefer. I’m more likely to mention a name brand if they were more inclined to become our official pant. (Do you hear that Levi’s? We could use a clothier!)

Our jeans need to be functional for all occasions. For example, my father wears jeans. He wears them to work in a factory. Those jeans are exposed to heat, dirt, sweat, and stain, but they are still versatile enough to wear to my graduation that he attended right after his shift. That’s fashion AND dedication. Who cares about ties and suits and smelling nice? Not Pops. He was there in full support, wearing jeans and work boots, with a flannel jacket to mark the occasion as formal.

You can take our advice, or you can take the advice of your William Sledd. While William Sledd may be an “internet celebrity”, I can assure you, he’s not one of the most famous people on the internet. Like me.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 560: SIT ON IT

Dear Useless Men,

Ribbed for her pleasure or lubricated?

Throckmorton Jones

Dear Throckmorton Jones,

You certainly have a way of getting straight to the point.

What a fascinating question. The more obvious question we get is length or width. That really comes down to the space you'll be parking it in, how often it is used and what it's used for. However, you’re not concerned about where or how you park the car, but how it feels, so let's compare the two options.

I'm a leather guy. I find leather feels so soft and smooth and has an alluring scent. Sure it needs more work to keep feeling and looking good, like the previously mentioned lubricating, which I see no problem doing.

My wife however, thinks it's not really her and already feels enough like the disciplinarian. She says she doesn't want to keep crack the whip to make sure I do as I'm told, according to the established rules.

My wife prefers the ribbed corduroyed-like material for the exact reason stated in the question: for her pleasure. My wife likes the feel of the hard ridges against her. The ribbing is a like a million little massaging hands as she shifts to keep comfy. She describes it as soothing. I describe it as antsy.

And since we have a family, we needed something more practical then the fancy leather option that demands constant upkeep and polishing (or “lubricating” as the British call it). No matter how manly the leather makes me feel, we have to wait until any and all kids are grown and moved out. So I compromised, which is a fancy way of saying that I picked what I was told, and went with "her pleasure".

I can't tell you which one you'll like best. It varies from person to person. However, when deciding on car upholstery, be sure to keep in mind who will be using the car. Corduroy material is easier to clean and stays moderately the same temperature summer or winter. Leather needs more care and there is nothing worse then bare legs on hot leather upholstery in the summer.

Ouch.

Choose wisely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 559: INTERNING ANOTHER USELESS MAN

Dear Useless Men,

I remembered my question, then forgot it again. Then went and made coffee and did some other things and finally remembered my question again.

Can you please tell HappyandBlue (alias Another Useless Man) that we want to see him back posting to his blog. I mean, this retirement thing has gone on long enough. Does he think he is 65 already???

Thanks,
The Fan who had her brain eaten by goblins, temporarily.

Dear Victim of Bulimic Goblins,

Yes! My first real question as an official Useless Man! Oh, this is gonna be SO awesome! I mean, I've been answering questions uselessly for years, sometimes without even being asked, but this is totally different... This is such a RUSH! I almost can't believe this is really happening, you know?

It's like when you dream of something for so long and then it finally happens and you have to just take a second to figure out if it's the real deal, or if you just drank way too much tequila, passed out in the doggy bed, and are now having one of those wicked half-dream, half-hallucination episodes.

Yeah, it feels EXACTLY like that!

Okay... deep breathes.

I've looked over the files and found out that this isn't the your first brain-eating-goblin experience. Whoa... That is so weird... I actually said, "Looked over the files"! They've already given me access to the files! How sweet is THAT?

Sure, the office key is a garage door opener, the chair I got only swivels to the left, the nameplate on my cubicle is only jiffy marker scrawled on masking tape, and I think kicking in $20 a week to the coffee fund is a bit steep, but THEY GAVE ME ACCESS TO THE FILES! Besides, I DO drink quite a bit of coffee, jiffy marker smells wicked awesome, and swivelling to the left in order to face to the right makes me look sort of dramatic, so I guess I'm cool with it.

Now, about those goblins…

Eating disorders are no laughing matter. Take Tracey Gold from "Growing Pains", for example. For 6 years she played honor student "Carol Seaver", the straight-girl to Kirk Cameron's trouble-making "Mike" on a wildly popular 80's sitcom. Then, she suddenly takes an interest in anorexia and what happens? They write her out of the show by sending her character to study in London, that's what!

Do you want that to happen to your goblin friends? Do you want them to leave behind the only life they've ever known to go learn the rules of cricket and how to speak with a pretentious accent? I didn't think so. As a true friend, you need to sit them down, reassure them they are beautiful goblins just the way they are, that they are NOT fat (even in tight jeans), and that brains, once eaten, should STAY eaten. Eventually, they will thank you.

Until then, I recommend you put on a hat.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern

P.S. I'm still trying to learn everyone's name around here... Who is HappyandBlue?


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QUESTION # 558: LIVING WITH USELESS

Dear Useless Men,

I think advice, in general, is useless, and I appreciate your candor in boldly admitting it and going where no men have gone before.

So, what are you like to live with?
(That's my question. And, you might notice, it is in the form of a question.)

cathouse teri

Dear cathouse teri,

What is there to know? If we can be candorous on our website, you can expect that we are candorful in our daily lives. Want to find out? Go on, and ask me if those jeans make you look fat.

While you can be sure to get a straight answer from One Useless Man, it’s not always the best answer. Let me share with you this personal moment:

There are things you shouldn’t say to your wife. I wish I had a list. At this point I probably could create the list. Fortunately, the wife of Useless knows I’m a dolt, and doesn’t get too strung out when I drop the ball in the sensitive husband arena.

One spring, many years ago, when the Toronto Maple Leafs were deep in the playoffs, I was watching the hockey game with great intent. My wife asked if I wanted to go for some ice cream. I thought that sounded delicious, and with intermission coming up, I thought I could run around the corner and pick us up a couple of treats.

There was a long line at the drive-thru. I’m guessing it was a trainee at the window, too. The drive-thru was so terribly slow… I could hear the game resuming on the radio. And the Leafs were going on a powerplay.

I hurried home and ran into the house with the ice cream. I was intrigued at the sound of Shania Twain coming from the TV room. Sure enough, my wife was curled up in her spot on the sofa watching a country music video of Shania Twain, Canada’s (dare I say it?) hottest singer (unless you have a thing for Celine Dion).

I was in shock. I don’t hold some sort of power over her. I shouldn’t EXPECT her to stop what she is watching to please me by changing the channel back to the hockey game.

But, at this very moment, I did. I mentioned that the game was back on. She said she’d change it in a minute, and patted the sofa for me to sit next to her.

She snuggled up to me, ice cream in hand, and enjoyed her video.

As the song came to an end, and my agitation was clearly evidenced in my manic leg bouncing and foot tapping, she sighed and said, "I wish I looked like Shania Twain."

Now I know there must be a better answer out there, but she asked, and I’m honest, so I said, "Honey, it’s good to have goals."

She looked at me and simply turned the channel back to the game.

Welcome to my life.

Sincerely
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 557: TECHNOLOGICAL TROUBLES

Dear Useless Men

My computer just told me to reboot it so that certain updates can take effect. I'm not computery so I don't really know what they mean by reboot. I have thought about kicking it out the window but I think my foot would get stuck in the screen and I would need a new boot not it! What should I do when my computer bosses me around?

anonymous jones

Dear PC Whipped,

It has been said, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.” I prefer to think that, when rebooting, it is important to walk softly and wear big boots. As such, I spent a large amount of money getting some custom made computer boots made up and I think you could use a pair too.

These boots are deigned so that your foot cannot enter the monitor no matter how hard you kick it when rebooting. Plus, they have electrically non-conductive soles to isolate you from any possible shock hazards should you accidentally expose the high voltage innards of your beloved computer. Sure, they have a really wide and flat front to them, and resemble clown shoes, but I can assure you that if you forget to take them off before you get outside, you will only be mocked by a person once if you apply a good reboot to them as well.

That being said, this will not cure the larger issue at hand.

Your reliance on technology is a foolish crutch you use to get through the days. I would suggest that you stop cowering at the hands of your computer, if a computer has hands, that is. Why you should fear something that requires you to feed it power is a mystery to me? Why, if you were unemployed and weren't to pay the electric bill, the computer would certainly realize its days were numbered.

While unemployment is an extreme solution, there are other ways to get your point across. I suggest blackmailing it. Take another appliance and pull its plug out while you computer watches to show who's boss. Be sure to twirl the plug menacingly while sporting a truly bone chilling smile to really add some punch. If you aren't sure if you're smile is bone chilling enough just go practice it at the local mall until security comes to ask you what exactly you are up to. If you can get those lazy mall cops to react, it must be good! A word of advice to you though is that you don't try to make an example of the freezer, because I made that mistake once and the smell was overwhelming after a few days. Sure I could have plugged it in again, but then the computer would know the truly horrible truth that I am really at the mercy of the technology that surrounds me. I live in fear of the day that the coffee pot and the computer combine forces and truly render me useless! All that withdrawal....

I'm twitching already just thinking about it!!!

Sincerely
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 556: CAPTAIN OF THE GARAGE GANG

Dear Useless Men,

What is the purpose of a garage anyway? I thought it was to store motor vehicles- ou know, like protect them from the elements. We get hail, freezing rain, feet of snow, and many 90+ degree baking days here in Minnesota. I have not been able to drive into our garage either. It's like a dump site and the middle of projects yet to be finished site. We have a Captain Kirk chair in the process. Should be cool when it's done. I used to help my sister cope with getting her husband to do those odd jobs like leaky faucets by not expecting anything from her husband. That way, when he actually does something, she will be elated and she can praise him and tell him what a good job he did!

scott and heidi

Dear Scott and Heidi,

I didn’t know garages could be used for such a diverse variety of storage-related functions! You’re talking to a Useless Man here! One who enjoys Captain Kirk’s womanizing escapades. Two thumbs up on the replica of Kirk’s Captain chair.

In my neighbourhood, growing up, garages were mostly used for grow-ops and gambling. I didn’t even know they were used for cars. Except for those spontaneous gang meetings. We would push all the tables and lamps out of the way and drive the car in to load it up with guns and bolt-on armour plating.

Well, we called it armour plating but it was really just tin foil taped to the doors. We figured it would blind our enemies when we did a drive-by at two in the afternoon. Our moms wouldn’t let us out after dark.

Our guns were actually super-soakers. But they were filled with hot chocolate and Kahlua. After we drenched our enemies, we’d race home, call the police and tell them some underage kids were drinking in the park.

With our enemies out of the way, we were free to play on the slides and eat candy. And when it started hailing or freezing rain, the garage made a great fort for me and all my friends. Make sure you’ve got room enough in yours!

Once you’re finished your Captain’s chair, you can sit proudly and order your spouse to clean up the garage. Tell ‘em you got friends coming over.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 555: FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS GET USEFUL

Dear Useless Men,

I am very worried about a friend of mine. He is a really nice guy, he listens, advices, likes shopping, hates soccer, knows how to dress, uses facial creams, etc. Recently, he left his girlfriend because he needed to sort out his life, learn to live alone and grow workwise before sharing himself with someone else. What bothers me is that that is something I thought only us girls were allowed to do. That's our thing, right? Guys don't do that! They are supposed to act distant so that we think there's something wrong, not to give reasons that make us unable to hate them! Maybe there's something wrong with him? Or maybe it's true what they say and the difference between a metrosexual and a homosexual are only two gintonics?

Thank you!

Love,
Better Drink Whiskey

Dear Better Drink Whiskey,

Thanks for the love! We may be Useless, but we are also emotional beings sensitive to the needs of those around us. With all the giving we do, it's great to get some love in return! Now to answer your question about your friend.

There is no need to worry. He'll be just fine. You see, it is a common misconception that men do not need to find themselves and grow. In fact, guys need and do this more then most women.

That distant look on men's faces is not some hidden issue women insist is there. It's the look of a man who is thinking of complete and utterly useless things. It's the look of a man who hasn't taken the time to experiment with inventions or stunts or to reflect on philosophies introduced in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated or Star Wars Insider.

But not all men are innovators and some may simply discover the delicious mix of spaghetti noodles and Thousand Island Dressing or that "Elmo In Grouchland" is really not that bad of a film. Men need this time to discover their full potential and near fatal limitations.

It sounds to me that your friend is one of the testosterone heavy males, like me. This makes things easy. I listen. Well, I listen to music. And I give advice to everyone (especially those who did not ask). I like shopping for CD's and DVD's and Collectible Figurines. Who doesn't hate soccer? But , it IS a sport. And I've been dressing myself since I was nine, and I smear whipped cream on my face so my cat will pay attention to me. I know exactly where your friend is at. Emotionally that is. I don't know where he lives.

I took my alone time to discover bad sci-fi/fantasy movies and broadened my musical leanings. I even learned that Shannon Tweed is in every erotic thriller ever made. What I didn't learn was how to cook, clean or do laundry. It sounds like your friend is just taking that time now as opposed to commandeering the garage later in life to begin projects and fix nothing.

The real concern here is that you, who is ever so kind and generous with your love, are being fooled or over-thinking this stage in your friends life. You should hate him too. Sorting his life means he's alphabetizing his record collection. Growing work wise means he's spending extra time at work catching up because he spent all week checking if tickets were on sale yet for the Virgin Black concert and reading the studio diary of Lord Of The Rings based heavy-metal band, Battlelore, new album's recording sessions. Learning to live alone means he's seeing how long he can sit in front of the TV watching season's of Lost, 24, and the Soprano's without actually having to get up off the couch for anything. Anything.

Your friend is perfectly fine and will be completely useless before you know it. You, however, should beware. As his friend, you may need to bail him out at various times (not jail necessarily) or be tricked into bring him take-out during one of his weekend marathons.

With all our love, I just want you to be warned and prepared for anything your friend might ask of you. Yes, ANYTHING.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 554: EMPLOYING ENTERTAINMENT

Dear Useless Men,

I hate my job. I am paid well, so can you help me to come up with some coping mechanisms to hate my job...and my co-workers a little less?

Love,
The woman with the life being sucked out of her, stomped all over, mashed up, and stomped to the ground into a pulp like form.

Dear Ms. Woman with the life being sucked out of her, stomped all over, mashed up, and stomped to the ground into a pulp like form,

Many would suggest drinking on the job as a good antidote to job dissatisfaction. I can't tell you strongly enough that this is a terrible idea. Not only is there the legal mumbo jumbo that goes with working while intoxicated, there is the far less publicized problem of getting your work done while the legions of co-workers come by for a quick nip of their own. You'll end up playing bartender all day instead of doing your job. This is even more depressing if you are already a bartender, as it will only reinforce the woe you currently feel.

I would suggest you search out the very heart of what it is about your job that you hate. Determine if it is a single person, item or task that makes your work such an odious task before formulating a plan. Once you know the cause of it, you begin to set about getting even with it. If it's a bad chair then make a concerted effort to get to work before anyone else and surreptitiously swap your chair for another. This works best when swapping with someone across the building that doesn't know you. If you work in a small company that only has three chairs this can become more complicated but I'm sure you're a smart person.

A broader approach would be to go for the "misery loves company" approach. Make sure you aren't the only one having problems at work and you can sit back and enjoy the show. A personal favourite of mine is switching the company coffee supply with a decaf blend. Not only do you get the joy of watching everyone twitch for a few weeks as they get over their addiction, but you get the added joy of re-caffeinating everyone a month later and working in a building of virtual hummingbirds.

Another personal favourite of mine involves taking apart their phones and moving a few of the numbers around. This works best if you rearrange them to resemble a calculator since their brain won't register the difference as it seems familiar to them. The glee you will experience as you watch them slowly and deliberately dial the same phone number an eighth time is unparalleled.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I’d Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 553: CARPENTRY CONUNDRUM

Dear Useless Men,

Maybe you have covered this before - Still, I'm asking... I have a friend who was making a beautiful cabinet. While putting a final piece on a screw broke off. He went into a fit of rage, took the board out back and destroyed it with an ax. Then he made whole new board and finished the piece.

Why didn't he just destroy the screw?

Puzzled Observer

Dear Non-Carpenter Type Person,

It is apparent that you never took shop class when you were younger.

The first rule when making a project is that if a component of said project causes you trouble, it is to be destroyed and replaced with a more docile replacement. This is often misinterpreted by non-professionals, or the uninformed, as an act of aggression, of rage on the behalf of the carpenter, when it is actually a public service.

What many do not know is that it is completely possible to have a bad piece of furniture. I'm not talking about those red velvet love seats our family had back in the seventies, nor am I trying to bring shame to those of us that love our lava lamps with all our hearts. I'm talking about “bad” like Damien in The Omen here. Evil to the very fiber of its wood grain.

A bad board will eventually spread its evil like a toxin throughout the entire piece of furniture. Ever tried to move a piece of furniture only to have it mysteriously slip out of your grasp? Maybe you had a couch that went into a room years ago which, despite no renovations having taken place, doesn't fit out of that very room? Kids are often victims of evil furniture when at school. A bad desk can cause all sorts of bad behaviour in students as it tries to spread its evil. It isn't the desk's fault. The desk figures the student, having spent so much time there, is obviously an upgrade that is to be corrupted like the rest of the furnishing. .

I am suffering at the hands of an evil kitchen chair at home that picks the most inopportune times to create loud noise and horrible smells which my wife blames me for as the kids laugh. It's a terrible thing to be in ownership of one of these pieces of furniture.

It all goes back to the wood a piece of furniture is made from. Wood boards come from trees (unless it's Ikea wood, in which case some wondrous form of chemistry and magic is employed to bind only the most evil of sawdust together). Trees can be truly nasty creatures which choose to spend their days falling on rooftops and cars as well as allowing all manner of wildlife a place to sit and redecorate our cars with their processed meals.

Upon felling one of these evil trees they are promptly milled into boards and shipped off to unsuspecting lumber yards and building supply stores. Such is the evil capability of these trees that no one truck is allowed to haul more than six boards from any one evil tree in a load, lest the truck never make its destination.

So to answer your question, sure your friend could have taken his anger out on the screw, but that would have been misdirected indeed. The screw was simply a victim of the evil wood that it was being unsuspectingly threaded into. It would be like firing an employee for using a faulty stapler to defend you with during a hostile takeover, the resultant failure of which hurls you into a career that has you contemplating tall buildings with no safety railings as a perfect spot for your new office. So take you friend out for a beer and congratulate him for being the civic minded soul that he is.... unless he's constructing something for the in laws, in which case, show him the error of his ways and help him wrestle that sinister plank back into place.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat.


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QUESTION # 552: ONE DEGREE OF STALKER

Dear Useless Men,

My friends and I were playing six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Who is the biggest celebrity you have ever met? Do you have photographic proof?

One Degree From Kevin

Dear One Degree From Kevin,

In the summer of 1985, sitting in a sticky movie theatre watching Back to The Future, I developed a typical 10-year-old crush on Marty McFly’s girlfriend, Jennifer.

At that moment the goal was set – I had to meet Jennifer – someday. As my crush developed further, my walls filled with more and more posters and magazine cutouts of her. My parents were slightly concerned, trying to get me interested in other things, like building bordellos out of Lego, knitting, and getting my driver’s license.

Getting my driver’s license was an exciting time. I started to think that maybe Jennifer loved Marty because of the cool car he drove. Maybe she could love me too! So I saved every nickel I could* and bought myself some stainless steel Jennifer bait. With my Delorean I knew I couldn’t mess up this opportunity.

Figuring she wouldn’t get into a car with a stranger, I also legally changed my name to Marty McFly. And I put candy in the glove box.

While time travel wasn’t necessary, traveling to Chicago for a Delorean/Back to the Future convention was. It was at this convention where my goal was realized and I met Jennifer. She was at a table eating dinner with her friends and/or family. I made my way. Between her mouthfuls of mashed potatoes, I explained in detail my desire to make Jennifer my Mrs. Marty McFly, waving the keys of my car in the face of those at the table not taking me seriously.

This photo was taken just before security escorted me away. I think the sight of security running towards the table is the only reason she is smiling.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

* Some money was spent on candy. Man cannot live in a Delorean alone.


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QUESTION # 551: PSITTACINE PLAYTHINGS

Dear Useless Men,

I have a young Eclectus parrot named Tiki. I am a poor college student and can't afford to give him many toys. He manages to tear up his new toys in a few days. If I give him a more durable toy, say a plastic one, he won't play with it. What toy do you give a bird that he will actually play with and won't tear up in a couple of days?

Oh, and your useless advice fills my day with joy.

Signed,
Puzzled Parrot Parent

Dear Puzzled Parrot Parent,

That will teach you to take on the responsibility of a pet when still trying to take care of your self.

Since you've obviously grown attached to this destructive beast, we shall have to figure out a solution. My best guess, being a parrot whisperer and all, is that your poor Eclectus is bored. Shredding his toys give him a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that an indestructible toy just can't provide. This is why he tires of the hard plastic ones so quickly, as they probably just sit there and take abuse like a new groom at dinner time.

What he needs is a toy that engages his tiny parrot brain and keeps it entertained.

I wouldn't recommend buying him a DVD player and a bunch of pirate movies. Sure this would seem a good idea at the time, but your parrot would learn all sorts of unsavoury behaviour from these things. Not to mention that television makes a lousy babysitter. Most times the TV can’t get drinks or food. Like the saying says,

"A bird in the hand.....will do it on your wrist"

Nope, what you need is a nice entertaining toy that will teach your parrot nicely and keep it entertained for days on end.

To that effect I would recommend you get it its very own Speak and Spell. Mine keeps me entertained for hours even now! You want to talk about durable? I've had it for 30 years now and it's still going strong. The best part is that you will be expanding its vocabulary while keeping it from devouring its home at the same time. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

You can even pick them up used at yard sales but be warned that in this modern age that people have the capabilities to reprogram these things. My son got one that had the chip removed and replaced with The Best of George Carlin CD. Sure, it's cute to hear him carry on like that, but I know the teachers aren't going to like him much once he goes to school. He'll keep distracting the class with the seven words you can’t use on TV.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 550: USELESS MEN, WHERE ARE YOU?

Dear Useless Men,

Where in blazes are you guys? You'll notice that is also in the form of a question. Don't make me come out to Hamilton! (The l