QUESTION # 588: WHO'S IN CHARGE - SPAM WEEK

Dear Useless Men,

Hello,

Can you please place me in contact with your site's marketing manager or sales manager?

My company has three campaigns that we need more advertising inventory for and I would like to know if your site offers any of the following:

1) Solo-mailing advertising

2) Newsletter/Ezine advertising

3) Website advertising (banners, pops, text links, etc.)

If you offer any of the above advertising models then please contact me at your convenience to discuss.

Thank you,

Marco
Account Manager

Dear Marco,

We here at Useless ... Can I call you Marco? Alright, Marco ... we here at the Useless Offices love to hear from you. We are thrilled about ....

What am I doing?

Look Marco, let me just lay it out here for you. I don't know what I'm doing here. My brother runs this site and I'm only here because our Mom made my brother take me on.

Up until now, I've just been coasting along with the odd Useless Advice answer and stealing The Useless Wonder's lunch. In fact, this question was sent by the trademarked Advice Randomizer to the Useless Intern but, being new, the Useless Intern thinks I have some power here and can make these executive decisions.

In his defense, he may have got that impression because I goose step around the Office yelling, "Look at me, I'm the boss!" or "Give me your answers, I needed them yesterday! Literally, they were supposed to have been posted yesterday. Now I have to back date it!" as a comical mockery of my brother.

I guess my impression was spot on.

I think the Useless Intern is suspecting something is amiss, because as I dictate this to him he keeps glaring back at me. So, to answer your inquiry, I'll shall put on marketing cover-alls, and a sales straw hat, and give you some answers.

It sounds to me by the list your site offers that you do not deal with fresh produce, so that leaves me wondering what the heck does a marketing manager do if it isn't managing market produce? If there is no managed produce then what is the sales manager going to sell?

What I DO know is that if we had advertising models here, I wouldn't be answering this query… Know what I'm saying? Alright…

The intern is nodding in agreement. Ya, high five! Wait, you don't need to keep typing. Did you type that? Yes, that. And that too? All of this? Alright, then how about I do this:

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother

Are you still typing? C'mon now, you can post this now. Just post it. Just click it. Are you still typing ....?


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QUESTION # 587: SOCIAL TESTING - SPAM WEEK

Dear Useless Men,

Hi,

Mister Wong, Europe's largest Social Bookmarking portal, is now available in English!

My name is Jodi, from Mister Wong, and I am preparing the launch of the portal for the English speaking community. Your blog Useless Advice From Useless Men caught our eye while researching. We would, therefore, like to warmly invite you to try out Mister Wong as a Beta tester.

In exchange for importing your bookmarks and feedback, you will receive a Mister Wong T-shirt and a pin set. In addition, we are also giving away an iPod Nano to one of our lucky testers.

What makes Mister Wong standout from other Social Bookmarking sites is that every language has its own portal and database. The German version alone attracts more than 2 million unique visitors a month. We´ve already successfully launched localized portals in Russian, Chinese, French and Spanish. Mister Wong also offers a bunch of interesting and useful features which distinguish us from del.icio.us, such as the ability to create public and private groups.

You can participate as a beta tester by visiting the following page:

http://www.mister-wong.com
Password: xxxxxx

Once inside you just have to set up an account.

I am very much looking forward to your feedback! Feel free to contact me should you have any questions.

Have fun!

Sincerely,
Jodi

Dear Jodi

First off, I would like to thank you for inviting me to this closed networking thing you've got going on but am worried that, if it closed, I shall have nobody to network with. Plus the fact that my network is getting a bit dodgy as well. Often when I am working on the internet the connection just drops out and I have to reboot my router and modem. Any advice you can give on this issue would be welcome as our own tech support is, ...well, ..useless!

I would like to commend Mister Wong on trying to bring back the beta. If he is looking for additional beta testers, I would love to get a video machine sent to the Useless Offices. We took so long in upgrading our VCR that we still have good old beta movies laying around that we'd love to watch again.

Since Mister Wong obviously is an afficianado of vintage technologies, I would also ask that he consider bringing back the 8-track as well! My old car had an 8-track tape deck in it but it was damaged in a terrible incident involving a horse and a bottle of root beer. I think the music frightened it, but who would have thought horses didn't like Barry Manilow?

Anyhow, thanks again for the invite and I look forward to seeing the new Mister Wong Beta unit on the shelves soon. It should be entertaining to see how I dock my IPod Nano with it.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 586: ECHANGE DE LIENS - SPAM WEEK

Dear Useless Men,

Bonjour,

Je suis le webmaster du site de petites annonces gratuites www.marche.fr.

Je souhaiterai faire un échange de liens, avec votre site http://uselessmen.blogspot.com/.

Si vous placez un lien vers Marche.fr, alors en échange nous vous offrons un lien (PageRank 4) vers votre site.

Grâce à cet échange de liens, vous augmentez le nombre de vos visiteurs, et vous améliorez le positionnement de votre site dans les moteurs de recherche (augmentation du PageRank).

Le lien vers Marche.fr peut se faire sur une page au choix de votre site. Si vous le souhaitez, vous pouvez faire un échange de liens avec nous dès maintenant, en cliquant sur le lien ci-dessous :

Faire un échange de liens avec Marche.fr

Cordialement,
Eric

Dear Eric,

What in tarnation is this crazy voodoo gibberish! You speakin' in tongues, boy? Now I showed this to my cousin Duke, who drives him an F-150, lifted, and he, even he, don't know what in the blue blazes this here is. Learnin' tells me that maybe this some form of 'communication,' ok? But none of 'em ain't any dadgum words I never done heard before. Look at this.. I say, look at this:

"Bonjour"

Sometimes the missus goes down the road there down in her Taurus, it's white, to a shop sells them little sandwiches with the toothpicks in 'em and come in them little baskets. They sell 'em in li'l blue and yella bags? Got a name somethin' like this here word. So I reckon me this means sandwich.

"Je suis le webmaster du site de petites annonces gratuites"

WHEW! Ain't that a mouthful? Juicy webmaster? Sounds like it ain't none too decent if you ask me. Sounds to me like this is one of them porn fellers, with them handlebar mustaches and the vest with no shirt on underneath. Drives a El Camino with flames runnin' down the side. "Petites annonces gratuites." Well petite means little as anyone'll tell ya. Got no mind to know what annonces is, but when you stick a word like 'gratuitous' at the end well, I'm inclined to agree. Confused yet? Well how'n do you think I feel!

"et vous améliorez le positionnement de votre site dans les moteurs de recherche (augmentation du PageRank). Le lien vers Marche.fr peut se faire sur une page au choix de votre site. Si vous le souhaitez, vous pouvez faire un échange de liens avec nous dès maintenant, en cliquant sur le lien ci-dessous: Faire un échange de liens avec Marche.fr"

Now just hold on a second here, I think I might'n be right about him. I'm gettin' to feelin' like this is one of them internet viruses, you know? One of them rascally little varmints gets all up in your megahurtz and your DVD-ROM drives and makes it so Muriel can't check her cookin' sites no more on account of them pornographic pop-up windows comin' up like little moles all over the place.

See 'ol Duke now, the one with the F-150, faithful as a old hound dog says Duke, he got one of them computer viruses one time, erased all his favorite ice-fishin' web pages and replaced 'em with pages'd make an alley cat blush. Come 'round a year later turned out he still couldn't seem to get himself rid of these pages, said it took him so long on account o' the internet's so-darn huge. Poor, poor Fred. So what I'm going to do, what I'm going to do right now, is just delete me this here message of yours. Cain't go lettin' you infect my computer here with your pornography windows.

Sincerely Y’all,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 585: SHAVE EVERYWHERE - SPAM WEEK

Dear Useless Men,

Hello,

I don't know if you've ever seen the site ShaveEverywhere.com (the bathrobe guy?) and some of the humorous content there. We've been involved in promoting it in the past and some new content has recently been updated to it. It's a new video that’s very funny called "Jewel in the Rough, How Sack Saved the Beach." You can see it here.

If you haven't yet checked out ShaveEverywhere.com, I urge you to do so. It's got a lot of humorous, informative content about Philips' Bodygroom shaver. You may have seen some of the other content, featuring "the bathrobe guy," at YouTube before.

This is pretty random but if it's the kind of thing you think your readers might enjoy, feel free to pass it on. Thanks very much for your time. Hope this finds you well!

Best,
Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I am sure your company is very excited and proud of its involvement with Phillips’ product launch. And I’m very pleased that you were thinking of us and caring about our physical and mental well-being.

I must say, it’s not usually in good taste to mix personal information with business as you’ve done with your correspondence. However, I recognize that combining the two is a very efficient use of time. I can still hear Pa saying, “Efficiency is the backbone of every good farmer.” I guess that’s why he and mom had triplets.

We’ve been working in the fields every day. I usually wake each morning at sunrise and begin by milking the goats. Mother went to town last week and traded a litre of goat milk for 2 apples. I often wonder if doctors are in cahoots with apple farmers that would accept kickbacks for helping spread the apple propaganda. I certainly can’t afford to eat an apple a day.

In fact, we’re so destitute right now that we have to grow insulation all over our bodies because we can’t afford that fourth wall for our dilapidated shack of oppression. Not to worry, it’s not a supporting wall. Fortunately we are able to knit sweaters out of Mother’s chest hair.

The product you are promoting sounds intriguing. Unfortunately, winter is coming and it would be unwise to shave everything we’ve worked so hard to grow. Us Canadian men prefer our igloos cold and our genitalia warm and functional.

You’ll have to forgive me for disregarding your media release, but I look forward to seeing you at shaving conventions around the world, like Italy.

You should really clean up there.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 584: SEND PICS - SPAM WEEK

Dear Useless Men,

HELLO

Compliment of the day to you, My Name is Miss Terry, how are you today i hope fine, dear i don't knows what can it be after this messge. well i will like us to know each other better, and I will really accept your friendship.

and l want you to send an email to my email address box, so that l can give you my picture for you to know whom l am. places contacts me with my email address box, i am waiting for your mail to my e-mail address box above Terry

(Remember the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alto in life)

yours in love
Terry

Dear Terry,

Your letter confuses me. When a stranger starts talking about love, I get confused.

Thanks you for saying Miss Terry though. I too have a name that is often confused as ambiguously sexless. Like Pat, Terry is one of those names that could go either way.

That reminds me of Kelly who worked in the local orchard warehouse. Mister Kelly started working there in the 70’s as a shipper, but in the 90’s moved up to receiving. Then she quit.

That was not a typo.

He became a she. The transition was awkward. Kelly wouldn’t use the men’s room, but the ladies wouldn’t let him use theirs. It was the only place where I’d seen a third bathroom option.

So I guess that Miss Terry could be a transition name as well. Not that it matters. All this love you want to share doesn’t matter since I am happily married.

This week we celebrated our 146th monthly anniversary. I remember the day like it was yesterday. To remind my wife of the lovely time we had, I’m sharing this picture from my honeymoon. Did you know that it gets REALLY hot in Vegas? Good thing that distance and colour don’t matter in love. When I turned the colour red, I had to keep a good distance from everything. A gently breeze was enough to cause great pain.

And not being able to be touched is not a great way to spend your honeymoon, if you know what I mean…

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 583: BREATHLESS

Dear Useless Men,

While blog surfing, I found this cartoon.

Immediately thought of all of you here at your blog!

Hope you enjoy it!

Sheila

Dear Sheila,

That comic was almost right up my alley, but it was more Garfield funny than Gary Larson funny.

The pros: it was short.
The cons: it showed men performing useful duties, yet was titled, “Things You Can Do With A Useless Man.”

Each frame shows a man being used in a useful way. But does performing one useful task make men useful? I thought maybe someone else had some insight, so I clicked on Christina’s comment and began the downward spiral. More commenters lead to more blogs and even more comments until I finally reached the “bottom” of the internet barrel: celebrity trashing blogs.

As I read about Pam Anderson’s latest video and Paris Hilton’s run-in with the law, I thought of another great idea for a useless man (namely, me). For a delicious salary, I could be hired as Lindsay Lohan’s personal Breathalyzer. I would spend all evening sitting in her Mercedes, and every time she wanted to take the car, she would have to kiss me.* When the officer stopped us for side-swiping 16 Cadillac Escalades, our conversation would go something like this:

ME: Sorry Officer, she hasn’t had anything. But, curiously, she was making out with me just before we left the club. And I’m sloshed!”

At which point I get out of the car, dance provocatively on the hood before passing out from the tazering.

But would I really drive around with someone who’s known to use her car for target practice? Is that a risk I’m willing to take?

Similarly, transforming your Useless Man into something useful such as a towel rack or coffee table is a risk-vs-reward scenario that begs to be explored carefully. One coffee table is nice, but left unattended, your table may invite a bunch of his friends over.

Sounds great because you’ll have so many new places to show off your dried flower arrangements, but what are you going to do with 22 tables you have to feed?

Thanks for thinking of us though.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


* And, being useless, I would turn the keys over to her. At least I’d point her to the pocket that they were in. You know, the one with the lump in it?


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QUESTION # 582: TYPE-ICAL

Dear Useless Men,

Why do some people want to type all in small letters without ever touching the shift key? Is punctuation too hard for them?

Signed,
Tired of Trying to Read Alphabet Goop!

Dear Alphabet Goop,

The problem lies not within, but without. You see, the pinkie is a very difficult appendage to employ: it is not nearly as strong or dexterous as your other digits, and really, why would it be? All it ever does it sit there all smug. If you think about it, the pinkie is like hand royalty. It just takes up space and look down on the workin' folk.

"Hit the shift key?" it says down its nose, in a tone of voice that suggests you might have just asked it to take a bath in old manure. "Why, we would never. It's unheard of."

This is also why one must lift one's pinkie when one takes one's tea. It is far too valuable a member to be possibly damaged by hot china, plus it gives all the pinkies in the room a chance to socialize.

But I don't blame you for wanting it to pull its weight. Over here, in the new world, we believe that there are no classes, that all people (and fingers) are created equally. Why should pinkies be any different? We don't subscribe to the philosophy that some were just born to lead while others were born to follow. We don't need any highborn nobles prancing around in their posh outfits and their thousand dollar haircuts and generally being useless! We say put them to work! Set them after those shift keys and don't let up until it looks like that IM was typed by a 60-year old glaucoma patient:

rollerbabe692: so how was ur time @ the park
farsighted02: I THREW BREAD AT SQUIRRELS
rollerbabe692: wait don't you mean 2 them?
farsighted02: AW MAN YOUR WAY PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED BETTER
rollerbabe692: that's disturbing. wan2 get some jamba juice
farsighted02: OH HECKS YEAH YOU KNOW I LOVES ME SOME ORANGE DREAM MACHINE

Now, look what you've done? You've created a monster. It will tread the internet with the anger of a thousand bears and not stop until it has abrasively accosted everyone in a manner that sounds like shouting but is really just zeal.

May God protect us all.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 581: TURTLE HEAVEN

Dear Useless Men,

I helped a turtle across the road today. Does that mean I will go to heaven?

An Angel in the Making
- - - - - - -
Dear Useless Men,

I went back and got the turtle cause I found a really great recipe on the Internet for turtle soup. It was great. Does this mean I'm going to hell now?

Not Quite An Angel in the Making, Any More

Dear On and Off Angel,

I can see patience is not one of your gifts. When someone talks to you about the fruit of the Spirit, I’m sure you make it into a salad and top it with whipped cream.

The whole heaven and hell debate is a touchy one. While we don’t want to steer away from controversy, I should assure you of your impending eternal life in a lake of fire.

While turtle worship, either as a deity or a sacrifice, is not specifically forbidden in the Bible, God is pretty clear in His commandments that He’s a pretty jealous God. Consider the top three commandments God tell us: Don’t worship other gods, Don’t make other gods, and Don’t use God’s name in vain. If He hadn’t created the whole universe, someone might have accused Him of being a control freak.

But the real advice to your many varied selfish concerns is to look beyond yourself. The turtle may have been on his own way to heaven or hell. Perhaps the turtle was about to commit suicide, walking out into the freeway to end it all. But God, in His mercy, sent you as an angel to save that turtle. The turtle would have a new found understanding that the world around his little turtle swamp is filled with amazing things.

Or maybe you just got in the way. Jesus said, “I am the way,” and maybe the turtle was following the call. Do you think you are better than Jesus? Saving turtles? Look how that turned out for the turtle! Soup, or as I would call it, turtle Hell on in a pot on slow boil.

While God made many delicious things for us to eat, and we should be thankful for them, I also hope that you would get off your God-complex and leave the saving to Jesus.

Pass the crackers.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 580: BUYING USED

Dear Useless Men

I have recently moved to an area of town that is not the most favorable but it does have a lot of flavor, if you will. But my question is this:

When window shopping in hooker alley what is proper way to show you are interested in a 'date'? Honking your horn and screaming 'How much baby?' Throwing loose change at her; or driving by at a high rate of speed and lassoing her? And on the same topic what is a good wine that goes with cigarettes and hooker spit?

Thank you,
The Hooker's Hooker

Dear Hooker's Hooker,

You're looking for love in all the wrong ... there is no word for this analogy. Ways, maybe?

When shopping for a lady friend, you can't use the ways you've stated in your question. Oh no. Would you buy a car that way? Or groceries? That’s what I thought. That might work on a neighbourhood lemonade stand, but not for a relationship.

What you need to develop when looking for love is durability, practicality and efficiency. Let's not forget cost effectiveness and compatibility either.

You are obviously happy with a used model, which is beneficial since newer models tend to be recalled at least once. Newer models are usually in better condition, and who doesn't love that new model smell? However, new models need time to develop, and can seem cold and without character.

When looking for used models, don't just go by looks alone. She may look pretty, but who knows what condition she is under the hood. You did say you wanted to 'date', so don't be hasty when you're looking for a lady to last. Make sure you test drive any used models, perhaps bring friends and family around to have a spin as well, to get more opinions and observations. If possible, make sure you check out her previous owner to see if they provided the proper maintenance. You can usually tell if the previous owner cared for her, especially if it is a private sale. But beware of those curb-iders trying to push a problem under the guise of AS IS.

Buying used off the lot is also a little difficult and you need to be cautious. Make sure to check for any warranties that are still applicable and can be transferred and if the dealer can provide further coverage options.

If you already have a relationship, but are looking for a new one, you have more time. Be sure to take it. If you are without love, the need could be greater. Just make sure to protect yourself and not get taken advantage of. Shop smart.

Heck, just rent a few models and see what you like best to narrow down your options. This could be very useful especially in an over saturated market.

Happy shopping.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 579: DUCT TAPE GAS ESCAPE

Dear Useless Men,

My husband fell asleep watching baseball. I went to the garage and found his new roll of duct tape. I taped his butt cheeks together to stop him from farting. I'm not sure this will really work however. Do you have any other good options I could try?

Signed,
Married to the Asspit.

Dear Married to the Asspit,

I would be stunned to find this works at all. In fact, what you have done is a dangerous thing. By sealing your husband's orifice with a tape designed for sealing air passages, you have officially created a huge problem. If this tape is left in place for too long, things will get messy indeed. Without the ability to vent off the excess gases, the pressure will continue to build and build. If left too long you will get into a dangerous situation where you have a massive amount of high pressure gas stored in a non-pressure approved container.

If you are really lucky, the tape will fail and there will be a colossal noise followed by an absolutely unholy stench for a little while. This, sadly, is the best case scenario.

The reality can be a lot more horrific. If the pressure grows too much for his body to contain, you will be faced with a situation very much like a popping balloon. The difference being that when a balloon pops, it doesn't emit noxious gas or spray shredded meat all over your walls and carpet. If you've got him sealed up, you may want to consider making him sleep outside to avoid this kind of mess.

Another horrific possibility is that your husband, having been filled with explosive gas, will eventually meet up with an ignition source. The result of this will be the biggest blue angel you have ever seen in your life, not to mention a detonation similar to a fuel air bomb in which everything within a certain radius will be incinerated. The smell will be bad enough, but if you have any pets in the vicinity it will be even worse. Have you ever smelled burning hare?

My recommendation is that you remove that tape before things get too dangerous. Then go fill your sinuses with silly putty. Not only will it block the stench that you are trying to avoid but, if you ever get a cold, it will serve double duty by keeping the mess to a minimum. Should you sneeze, you'll find two rubber boogers ricocheting about the room in an entertaining way that your typical sneeze just doesn't do.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 578: HEY, GUYS! GUYS?

Dear Useless Men,

Hi guys. I got to the office today and the garage was locked. I hate to keep bringing this up, but do I ever get a key?

After waiting for a few hours, I was starting to wonder... Are you on holidays or something. Did some one forget to let me know? Holidays are ok with me, but an email, or something would have helped. Actually, I may just send this email into the trademarked Advice Randomizer. At least then I'll know you're getting this email.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern

Dear Useless Intern,

In two and a bit years we've never really taken a holiday. We've had periods of no posts, because, let's face it, we're useless. Not because we were on holidays though.

This week: holidays. That's our excuse, and I'm sticking to it. Mostly because I am the one charged with posting things, and I expect to be completely unplugged for the week. And since we could use more questions, it's a great time to stall until we start getting some fresh ones in.

But to keep you checking back, let me tempt your reading pleasure with a tidbit of future Useless.

Two words: SPAM WEEK.

That's right folks. We get a lot of spam. A LOT. And since we promise to answer every question we receive, it's about time we give SPAM its due.

So have a useless week, and we'll see you in one week. Or less.

We're that useless.

Sincerly,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 577: ROAD KILL CLEAN-UP

Dear Useless Men,

I think I ran over my ex husband. I know I didn't just run into him, the way you run into someone on the street and have a little chat and all of that. I heard a kind of double thump under the car. Then I noticed he wasn't still standing at the side of my car yelling and screaming any more. It doesn't look good. I think the neighbours will be annoyed if they have to clean up that mess from the street. Or will the police take care of that. So that is my question... who cleans up the road kill? Actually, who cleans up all the animal roadkill and is that the same bunch who clean up the... accidental... human road kill?

Signed,
Road Trip Lover

Dear Road Trip Lover,

First, kudos to you for taking the initiative to solve a problem in your own way. We don't see a lot of that around here. We see a lot of people ignoring that strange sandwich in the staff fridge. At least until the Intern started. Then I took the initiative to switch his lunch pail with mine.

Our situations are not that different. Of course, the solution of one problem leads to the creation of others and that is where you are now. How to clean up the mess remaining is a tricky question to answer without more information. I'll give you a few possibilities.

First, let's assume this happened and so far you are the only one to have realized this has happened. This means that there will be no police coming to clean up the mess unless you call them. Unless they deem it to be an emergency, then you can be sure they will take quite some time to get there.

This will leave the mess around long enough for the neighbours to begin to get frustrated with the mess. This will lead to an erosion of the friendship you may have constructed with them over the years. I have a neighbour who played the bagpipes all night long. We don't speak any more. That may have more to do with the bagpipe shards in his throat that render him incapable of speech, but I think it's more because the neighbours were so annoyed with the racket that they just don't talk to him any more.

The second possibility is that the neighbours have seen it already and the police are en route. If this is the case then I suggest you quit playing a round with the computer and get out there with a shovel and a hose. The less evidence...I mean mess... that you leave, the less likely that you will have to explain what happened. Instead, you can make your nosy neighbours look like fools for calling in a false accident. This will not only reduce the odds they phone the police the next time, but it will also allow you to get away from the possibility of the police misinterpreting the whole mess and you ending up in front of a judge. Those guys can be so lousy at understanding explanations.

The last possibility is that you have a weak stomach and don't wish to deal with the mess yourself. In this situation I suggest you get outside as soon as possible and tape a pair of antlers to his head. As soon as that is done, then you call the number in your city for the group responsible for cleaning up these sort of messes. As for who cleans that up, I can't say for sure as the city dispatches them under the guise of animal control. How a flattened animal could be in need of, or respond to, any manner of control is a mystery to me. I would imagine that these are indeed the same people responsible for other messes as well. There can't be that many people specialized in this kind of work, right? They are probably a specially trained legion of short order cooks. After all, they are also good at scraping questionable meat from flat surfaces too right?

We’ll need a few to scrap off the porcelain here, too…

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 576: BRIB-ABILITY

Dear Useless Men,

Hi we ahve two sites whcih cater to the mens wear. www.latestmenswear.com and www.fancyshirt.com and we would like to use your articles and give a link to youir blogspot... acceptable?

Please confirm

Dear Please Confirm,

One question. WHY?

Why would you, a respectable .com website “which cater to the mens wear” want to have Useless Men on your site? Why?

I’ll tell you why. We are attractive. The new demographic polls tell it all. The polling company of Useless spouses says that with the recent combined weight loss of half the Useless Men, we may be becoming tolerable. Nay, attentionable. It’s almost worth the effort to give us the time of day again.

Almost. I still haven’t fixed the dishwasher. Until then, forget it.

But that’s my point. With the rash of weight loss, some of us former heavies need new wardrobes. And while we would never sell out our creative licensing or brand for any little thing, we would…

Who’s kidding who here? Show us the free stuff, and we shill anything. So while I wouldn’t recommend to our reader to click these anonymous website links that appear in our inbox, I would be more apt to send you many happy clicks, viral or otherwise, when those sites have been verified through neck-size-16-latest-fancy-men’s-shirt-wear.

So, the answer to your request is no. But that quickly becomes a yes when you have provided my new wardrobe.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 575: LONG JOHN GOLD

Dear Useless Men,

Why is it so hard to find warm long johns that don't have that embarrassing trapdoor in the butt? Why do all you Canadians wear such silly underwear? Can't someone import real underwear, like panties and thongs? Or is it really that cold up there?

Signed,
Hot Cross Buns

Dear Hot Cross Buns,

Allow me to begin by answering your last question first. Is it really that cold "up here" in Canada? Are you kidding me? You've obviously never been here if you have to ask!

How can I explain a Canadian winter to someone who has never experienced the joy of two salty little popsicles frozen to their top lip? How can I accurately describe the eerie sensation of having feet so cold that they feel like nothing at all, as if an Arctic Medusa gave a special wink and turned them to blocks of ice right there in your boots? Or how about the moment of terror that soon follows when you realize those same feet are going to hurt like the Bujeezus when and if they ever thaw out? How do I convey the overwhelming magnitude of the mind-numbing fatigue one suffers from having to force 20lbs of wet, sticky snow out of the way with every step as you trudge through drifts that would render Gary Coleman a missing person until Spring?

Just take all that and stir in a furious North Wind that drives you to the brink of insanity with the scream of a thousand tortured souls, tiny, diamond-hard snowflakes that slash and hack their way across exposed skin like miniature demonic Skil-saws, and an oppressive Solstice darkness that slowly but surely saps your will to live. Get the picture?

And that's just what it's like to go brush the snow off your car in the driveway each morning. You can imagine how much worse it is if you're doing something that requires long johns!

Now, despite what you may have learned from watching re-runs of "Dudley Do-Right" from the 60's (which, if I'm not mistaken, makes up the core course material for Canadian History in most American middle schools), those of us from the Great White North do not run around all day in long, one-piece, red, woollen underwear with the flap hanging open, "two cheeks to the breeze" as it were. In fact, like our neighbours to the south, we have a myriad of different types of under garment to choose from, depending on what strikes our fancy. Boxers for the days when you're feeling free and easy, briefs when you need a little support. Silk when you're feeling naughty, cotton when it's just you and a night of TV. Control-top for those bloated days, and little pink frillies when I just want to feel a bit sexy.

Ahem…

Of course, there will always be times when the dreaded long johns are simply unavoidable. Too many Canadian traditions and activities are centred around seeing who can last the longest in near absolute zero temperatures with perfectly suitable shelter only minutes away. Call it a right of passage, call it a cultural experience, or call it stupid, if you will. We call it a way of life.

And when you find yourself in one of those situations, you're going to be grateful for those long johns, for they will be the only thing standing between you and a hypothermic night in the Emergency Room, listening to your four useless friends tease you for being the little girl that you are.

"Oh! Boo hoo! I lost four toes! ... Suck it up, Buttercup!"

You'll also be equally grateful for that trapdoor, for reasons I won't bother to get into, but which will become readily apparent about four hours and eight coffees with Bailey's Irish Cream into an ice fishing expedition. But you need not be embarrassed about it. You see, there's a simple trick to preserving your dignity that Canadians have been employing for as far back as we can remember.

We wear the long johns UNDER our clothes.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern


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QUESTION # 574: LOST BOY IN PLAYLAND

Dear Useless Men,

I'm moving to a new house, in a new town. Do I really need to give my husband the new address? It would be kind of fun to see how long it would take him to find the right house.

Moving Gal

Dear Moving Gal,

Interesting question. To answer it, I would say, “Yes, you need to give your husband the new address.”

I can see where you'd think it would be fun to play this little "Can you find the new house game", but I, in good conscience, must warn you that the results will most likely disappoint you.

Men have a strong sense of dependency. A sixth sense, if you will. I must ask you to consider, do you really want to know what your husband is most dependant on?

When a dog gets left behind accidentally at a relatives place or given away to a better home, the dog takes it upon itself to journey back to its "home". And you wonder, how did they find their way back through all those hundreds of miles, mountains, rivers and forest? It is that simple sense of dependency that guides them.

Men, on the same hand, but a different part of the hand, have more options for dependency then dogs do. We have the food dependency, and the loving home dependency, but those could easily translate into the home furnishing's department of Home Depot (which also supplies a Harvey's, I might add) or into the McDonald's with the PlayLand at the corner of Main and King. Fun, and food.

Me? I'd make my way to the HMV Superstore. All men have their vices and you'll have to decide if you are your husband’s. You take away the current safe haven and your husband will find a new one, and you'll eventually have to go and pick him up from the Canadian Tire, or the Hobby Shop, or the Keg Mansion. You get the idea.

So unless you are married to Homer Simpson, I'd give your husband the new address. With clear directions. Even with those, there is a good chance that you may never see him again.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 573: NOSEY BEES REAPPEAR

Dear Useless Men,

Hello again!! Have you missed your Venusians?? We've missed you!

Although I guess technically, you didn't go anywhere, it was us that disappeared. You will be happy to know that the "lady bee invasion" has come to an end.

We see you have a useless intern! We want to know more about him... how come he doesn't have a useless profile yet??

Fondly,
Your local Venusians

Dear Venusians,

Hey! Long time no see! How the heck are you ladies? What have you been up to?

You know, it's SO weird that we'd hear from you because we were JUST talking about you the other day around the water cooler! Actually, it's just a rolled up garden hose hanging on the wall, but they insist I call it "the water cooler". I think it's to help preserve the illusion of professionalism around here. Or maybe just so the other guys don't feel so weird taking drinks from it...

But I digress. Often.

So, you're back and the "Lady Bee Invasion" is over, is it? That's cool. How did it go? Did everything work out as planned? Did what's-her-name get the whatchamacallit to work with the... with the... thing that...

Oh, forget it. I can't do this…

I'm really sorry, but I have NO idea who you are and NO idea what I'm talking about! It's not that I don't WANT to know you, it's just that I'm new around here, see, and the last couple of weeks have been hectic.

There's been so much for me to learn, so many errands for me to run... And do you have any idea how often that little hamster that powers the trademarked Advice Randomizer needs to be fed? Let's just say we've had to apply for a line of credit at the pet store and leave it at that!

Anyway, it's no surprise that the deadline for this question kind of snuck up on me. Before I knew it, it was due and I hadn't had a chance to find out anything about you at all.

It doesn't help that the one link we have for your blog in our sidebar consistently sends me to a "Page Not Found" screen, either. Sure, there's a bit of "useless" theme going on around here (in case you hadn't noticed), but I think that's pushing it a bit!

Rest assured, though... While I may not have had time to Google a proper URL for your blog, or ask one of the other guys for it, or even take a moment to just click here, I DID manage to find a few hours to fill out and file the necessary RL-41 form (in triplicate, of course), along with the requisite SB-91 and SB-92 papers required for scheduling site maintenance to correct that dead link.

It shouldn't be more than 6 to 8 weeks before that baby is right as rain!

Oh! And about that missing profile of mine? Try looking at me from the side...

I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille!

Sincerely,
Useless Intern


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QUESTION # 572: MORTAL PONG

Dear Useless Men,

Why are all the high school shootings done by men/ boys? Like... haven't we women trained you guys right yet? Geez.....!

High Drama Queen

Dear Drama Queen,

There are no right answers when it comes to violence. Especially when it comes to school violence.

That said, I believe any right-thinking individual cannot help but arrive at the conclusion that it is the fault of video games for every violent act ever perpetrated. Know who to blame for the Crusades? Video games. Jack the Ripper? He played video games too. The break up of The Monkees? You guessed it: Video games.

What you don't realize is that these "games", if they may be labeled so innocently, take regularly functioning individuals and completely rewire their brains, turning them into mindless killing machines. Kublai Khan was a dentist before he played video games! Stalin just wanted to be left alone to make wood carvings resembling geese in flight. In fact, the whole reason American cavalrymen slaughtered native tribes was because they'd been programmed as kids by violent video games!


Which explains why it's all done by men: Women, of course, do not play video games. Ever! I mean, how can you find time to play video games when you're spending all your time making pies and/or babies?

Consider yourselves lucky, ladies, for it is a cross we men must bear. Sure, we're just going to go right on playing them. One day, I'll be on the news for causing a massacre at a circus school, or something, and I'll only be able to writhe and gnash at my captors, my higher brain functions gone like some kind of reverse lobotomy. They'll have to jam cattle prods into me to knock me out and it will all be because I played Mortal Kombat when I was 12.

When was the last time your Easy Bake Oven made you massacre anyone?

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 571: SHORT AND SASSY

Dear Useless Men,

What is the shortest answer you have ever given? (and I mean brief as in number of words not short as in height).

Yours truly,
Mary

Dear Mary,

This one.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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