QUESTION # 624: WEIRD HAZY PUMPKIN SCHNITZELMORT

Dear One Useless Man,

I have a question that I cannot find an answer to. Last night I smoked a very large hazy-weed-cigar and then proceeded to have 3 bowls of Pumpkin Schnitzelmort. Needless to say I eventually passed out. I woke up this morning and my overused and heavily skidmarked jockstrap is missing. How do I go about hunting this down? I have been looking for half a day now.

Many thanks.
WeirdPsychoFreak

Dear WeirdPsychoFreak,

There can be one and only one answer to your question. First off I would like to remind you that the simultaneous consumption of hazy weed cigars and Pumpkin Shnitzelmort is tantamount to eating pop rocks and washing it down with soda pop. The results are never pretty but almost always entertaining.

I would love to tell you where your jockstrap has gone to, but that would be useful and such behaviors have severe repercussions around our offices. Truth be told, I actually have no idea where it would have gone, or who in their right mind would have taken it. The declaration of "no right mind" excludes most of those wandering the surface of the earth, so there can be only one possible solution: The fabled underpants gnomes.

In their ultimate goal of accumulating wealth, these gnomes hoard freakish amounts of underpants. While the heavily skid-marked kind can get rather ripe, the gnomes solve this problem by simply heaping large amounts of fresh pairs on top of the funky ones.

The creators of South Park once alluded to existence of these mythical creatures in a cautionary tale, but being on Comedy Central, nobody took it seriously. The warnings went unheeded and their actions continue to this very day. The show was lost as to the middle step in their three-part plan, but we at the Useless Offices have done our research and have come to the solution to this long-standing conundrum.

Once these massive underpants piles are established, they can be turned and mixed in as compost to yield an underpants mulch. This mulch is used in all manners of profitable applications like the growing of Hollywood celebutantes and the rendering of your typical television script.

Ultimately, we will all succumb to the mind numbing powers of the gnome mulch and will empty out bank accounts into the hands of the awaiting gnomes. This master plan will be brilliantly executed with the use of subliminal messages from the mulch-enhanced scripts. The world at-large will have their minds commandeered on a future Halloween evening. When our doorbell rings, we will happily open our front door to greet the trick-or-treaters, who will actually be the gnomes. We will stuff their outstretched hands with all our cash, which, thanks to the brainwashing, we will believe to be crummy Halloween candy like rockets or worthless US currency.

Can anybody stop them? Well, FOX is doing a good job of obliterating our mind in a pre-emptive strike with their programming. The only safe place will be in a shack, isolated from the broadcasts and transmissions of the upcoming war. Decorative lining of the shack with tinfoil or lead will ultimately enhance your protection.

Stockpile your foil now before aluminum prices skyrocket!!

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


CONTEST ENDS AT MIDNIGHT!!! Last chance to ENTER!
Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 623: LOST IN THE FOLD

Dear Useless Men,

I'm having a real problem with my laundry. It's not that I can't wash and dry it, but that I never seem to get around to folding it once it's done. My dresser is empty, there are laundry baskets all over the place, and I'm practically living out of my dryer! Are there any tips or tricks you guys have for motivating yourself to fold laundry? Or maybe even a way to have it magically fold itself?

Yours Truly,
Permanently Wrinkled

Dear Permanently Wrinkled,

There are worse things than living out of a dryer. Like living out of a dryer box. Count your blessings! Dryers have central heating. Dryer boxes? Not so much.

My Mom was not about to raise no Useless Men. How ironic that my brother and I are both Useless now. She thought that if she were to act as the most useless in our house, then her children would become more useful.

For example, it only took a few shrunken shirts and plaid turned pink that spurred me to figure out how to do my own laundry. In my Mom’s mind, as long as she cooked poorly, ruined our laundry, and left her room as a pigsty, we, her children, would rebel with clean rooms, clean laundry, and useful recipes.

Little did she know that my brother and I would turn out to be such mama-boys. One Useless Brother makes pasta covered in Thousand Island salad dressing when no tomatoes are around. And I, like you, consider my room clean enough if all the clothes make it off the floor into a basket.

Instead of worrying about magic folding, consider doing what I did. Build a wall unit full of laundry basket sized drawers so you can just insert the baskets without having to unpack anything!

But if you HAVE to fold something, it’s not that hard. Just check out this video example to see how simple it really is. If you can’t do this, then you may be more Useless than our Mom.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY FOR CONTEST ENTRIES! Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 622: PARIS ON A PEDESTAL

Dear Useless Men,

I do not know if this has been posted already but I am going to ask anyway. Can someone, anyone tell me why Paris Hilton is being fashioned and portrayed as a sexy or attractive person? I have seen may banner ads on websites including this one for shocking and or steamy videos and calendars featuring what I can only classify as some sort of human canary hybrid that just happens to be named Paris. Am I not seeing what photographers are? Am I blind as to what beauty or moderate attraction is? Can someone explain to me what is going on?

Ramon.
If I were any more useless I would cease to exist.

Dear Ramon,

You are blind, but it's only because you're poor and therefore not very perceptive. Allow me to elucidate.

Paris Hilton's got what we in the biz call "lots of dumbness." I know you won't believe me at first, but hear me out. First, she's moderately good looking, but any pick-up artist can tell you that there's no such thing as an ugly person, just a lazy person. And with the amount of money that girl can throw into her looks it would take an act of God to make her look as horrendous as she would if she were from, for instance, Omaha, born to a cabinet-maker and an overweight bank teller.

She's also in the unique position of being so incredibly filthy rich that she fits into what society uses to define beauty. If you're poor and don't look like everyone else you're unattractive; if you're rich and don't look like everyone else, you're setting the new standard for attractiveness. If I haven't belabored the point yet, what I'm getting at is: you're perceiving her the wrong way if you think she's ugly. You're accidentally forgetting to hold her up on the pedestal--nay, the throne, which she rightly deserves.

You should be ashamed. Sure, maybe she looks like a canary. Maybe that description is accurate. Maybe even a little hilarious, some might say. But does it consider the fact that she's dumb and rich? No.

And that's the problem: While the paparazzi are cataloging photos, singing the praises of every album and cologne released by this prodigal young heiress at the rate and capacity which her superstardom demands, "peasantfolk" like yourself are forgetting that you don't even get to make your own decisions anymore. Just who do you think you are, thinking for yourself, trying to tell Paris Hilton she's not pretty? How many hotels do you own, buster? Do you even own one? Not a SINGLE hotel? What about oil companies? No oil companies, Johnny-insult-a-star?

Why don't you come back and try to have your "opinions" when you've flown to New York and paid some designer a sum of money equal to the Gross National Product of Ireland to slap your name on his fragrance and sell it at a price-per-ounce ratio that rivals even that of precious metals.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


UNDER 72 HOURS LEFT! Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 621: MUSTARD IS THE NEW WHITE

Dear Useless Men,

What is the best way to get a mustard stain off a white shirt? I've tried vinegar and "blotting" but it just ain't happening.

Thanks.
Signed,
Not so Martha


Dear Not So Martha,

There are all manner of products available in the marketplace that will make ludicrous claims as to their ability to remove stains. Mustard is a highly specialized stain that requires a specialized approach. There are scientific elements in mustard that have been planted there by detergent companies to sell more products! Most people will run out and purchase all manner of stain removal products in a futile effort to remove the stain. Mustard stains are usually unbeatable and the detergent manufacturers love this. The conspiracy goes unchallenged because our free market economy thrives on consumption.

There is only one real solution to your problem. The stain is problematic because it draws people's attention to it with it's stark colour! I suggest you harness its innate ability to attract. Instead of changing the stain, why don't you change the garment? Imagine a shirt with the ability to captivate people the way a mustard stain does. By throwing your shirt in the wash with a bottle of mustard you'll have that power at your disposal. Such a shirt will ensure you get speedy service at retailers and government offices alike where, as a patron, you seem to be invisible. They will not be able to ignore your needs any longer as they will be drawn like moths to a flame to your mystical mustard garment.

My friend claims that the real power from my mustard shirt is the overwhelming smell of mustard and the clerks' desire to get me out of smelling range as soon as possible. I have to protest that claim. Why does it even hold its mysterious sway on a crowded subway train where there are far more overpowering smells of BO and the like?

Forget your petty troubles and normal white shirt and join the league of yellow shirted people who are poised to run the world at large! Some have taken its ability to catch attention and harnessed it into a nice career.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


CONTEST CLOSES ON OCT 31st! Get in on our contest TODAY! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 620: A GOLDEN VACATION

Dear Useless Men,

I would like to go on a vacation but I can't decide which style is better. Should I go on a cruise? An organised tour? Should I backpack or have a "volunteering vacation" to cancel out my guilt? Should I stay at an all inclusive resort or just shut all my curtains at home and "pretend" I am going away? Help me please all this vacation planning is stressing me out.

Signed,
Vacillating Vacationer

Dear Vacillating Vacationer,

That is one heck of a conundrum you're in. Well, it depends on how you look it. I'm guessing you see plenty of options, all with varying degrees of merit and you can't decide what to do. What I see is only one option. I see only one vacation.

You're probably thinking, "...Weeeeelllllll? ...Which one...?!?!?"

It's that kind of thinking that's going to keep you at home watching the first couple seasons of Golden Girls on DVD. I might add, (actually, I think I will add) Golden Girls was a smart show with sharp writing and heartwarming stories in a sitcom format geared to an older generation, but with enough guts to bridge the gap between parents and their children. Golden Girls was an all around decent program for the whole family, now preserved for generations on DVD.

One Vacation. When I read your question, I saw a dream holiday. I see no other choice, but all of the above. What you need to do is "organize" a "backpacking" "tour" to any of the popular "Cruise Lines", camping in parks or bus shelters along the way. Once you, and any friends or Sherpa's that have accompanied you, arrive at the docks, you then "volunteer" for a job on said "cruise line".

They will work you like a dog and pay you a pittance, but the room and board are included! That means "All inclusive" and you won't feel "guilty" because of the work you're doing. Upon returning, you can then backpack your way home, maybe taking an alternate route so you don’t camp in the same city scenery as on the way in. When you get home, you can shut the "curtains" and "pretend" you are all "stressed" out "planning" your "vacation".

The extra bonus is that whatever little money you made on "vacation" you can then use to purchase as many seasons of the delightful Golden Girls TV show on DVD. Oh, that Betty White is deliciously naive!

Enjoy your holidays! You'll be heading back to work before you know it, so try and relax.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


6 DAYS LEFT!! Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 619: LIGHTS, CAMERA, CONTROL

Dear Useless Men,

Useless men? Ian Curtis was perhaps useless.

You are the right age and just might remember a band called Joy Division

Ian Curtis the singer died in 1980 - suicide

Now there is a movie called Control that's directed by the bands photographer Anton Corbjn on a book by Deborah Curtis

The movie chronicles the rise of Joy Division in the Manchester scene of 1977 and the decline of the singer (a useless man?) Ian Curtis?

I need help social marketing this movie and sending people to this link

So I would like you to write a blog post about the movie - what do you remember about joy division?

I have attached some photos you can use.

anyway I will reward your post by having my staff of eight bookmark your post on three sites and link to your blog post in the following type of discussion forums

So hopefully your blog (and our link) will receive a mass boost of traffic

if interested please respond asap

RobC

Dear RobC,

Thanks for thinking of us. This is so out of our league. Firstly, we answer questions. This is more of a request. And we want to help. Mostly because we’re hoping to score some free Control swag!

Imagine the cool swag you could produce for a movie called Control! Like Control Top boxers – boxers that have the movie title all around the waistband with movie stills on the cotton comfy bits. And they would make my kegger belly look a little more six-pack, if you know what I mean.

Maybe we can just create our own swag. You did say that we could these pictures that you attached.

But, to the point, what you really want to know is what I remember about Joy Division? I wish I could say I remember a lot about them. But you know how sometimes you hear a song, and you can’t name it, and you jumble up the lyrics, and you know it’s by that band from Manchester, but you don’t remember anything else about them? That’s me with music from 1977. Mostly because I was five at the time.

And at five years old, I was less concerned about music, and more concerned about football. I was particularly confused with European football, that looked more like soccer than football to me. And in 1977, the big talk coming out of Manchester was the sensational firing of head coach Tommy Docherty from Manchester United amid speculation that he was having an affair with the clubs physiotherapist. When I asked, my Dad told me that an affair was “like when you get a massage.” I guess it involved stretching and exercise.

I’ve since learned that an affair may bring joy, but also division.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

PS – Any chance of getting a signed movie poster or something? I'm a collector of movie posters! Seriously!


SEND IN YOUR QUESTIONS NOW! Last week for contest entries! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 618: JUST LEAF THEM ALONE

Dear Useless Men,

Winter is coming. Just in case you didn't notice all those leaves falling everywhere. We have bags of leaves accumulating. Do you have any good ideas for using them in some way? There are only so many I can use as compost. Not allowed to burn them here yet there is no pick up either.

Signed,
Shuffling in Leaves

Dear Shuffling in Leaves,

What to do with leaves? It’s always a valid question as leaves are perpetually falling, clogging up our overflowing sewers, filling our cars’ air vents and blocking our downspouts.

Hallowe’en is just around the corner, so whether you’re in need of an easy to make costume, or if you’re a zealous Christian, strapping a couple of leaves over a few strategic locations can give you much joy in a snap. Of course, that only takes care of about 5 leaves which means there are many more which still need attention.

Perhaps you know someone who could use some ass-cushioning for their bony ass. I’m not talking skinny donkey’s here. I’m talking concave butt cheeks. Take some nylon, stuff it with leaves, then sew it into the form of buttocks. Trust me. And with some creative wording, you can sell anything on eBay.

Too off the wall? Go mainstream with bra stuffing. For women, it’s a far cheaper and less dangerous substitute for implants. And it’s ideal for men who received a Jogbra for Christmas but can’t quite fill it.

Still have leaves laying around? Every house could use a little more insulation with gas prices on the rise. Don’t think it’ll work? Tell it to the Inuit who insulate their igloos with blocks of snow. Cold, icy snow.

If this letter is actually written by our honourable Prime Minister Stephen Harper (Buddy!), then you have the power to put our country into the Guiness Book of World Records. Maybe you could temporarily make leaves legal tender. How cool would that be? Everyone could be a temporary millionaire. And money would be growing on trees! TREES! C’mon, governments have done stupider things before…

If that doesn’t work, I’ve got one final thought. Grab a long-handled shovel and head down to the local cemetery. Exhume a few bodies and refill the graves with your leaves. Fire up the ol’ firepit and toss those rotters on. Clearly this is the most logical, if not legal way of disposing of the leaves. After all, there can’t be any restrictions on burning bodies, otherwise crematoriums would be breaking the law every day.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


ONE WEEK LEFT FOR QUESTIONS! Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 617: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SUSPENSION

Dear Useless Men,

My family are going on holiday soon which means my husband has begun asking for submissions for the holiday CD that he makes and which is subsequently played non-stop wherever we go on the trip. Unfortunately, he feels like he is duty bound to include songs from all family members. This means I am going to have to listen to (shudder) High School Musical. I know you understand what a dilemma this is, but what can I do about it? I can tolerate heavy metal, I can put up with retro punk, and I'll even sing along with "I'm a goofy goober" from the SpongeBob movie. But not even A Walk In The Rainforest with eight minutes and fifty three seconds of green eyed tree frogs, common nursery frogs, pealing chirpers and nocturnal insects can shut out the memory of the nails-on-a-blackboard voices of Troy, Gabriella, Sharpay and that guy with the flamboyant hats; nor the fear of their return on the random setting.

Do I have to strap myself onto the roof rack? Help!

love
anonymous jones

Dear Anonymous Jones,

I really like the whole "strapped to the roof rack" idea. Of course, that might be because this is what a "holiday trip" was for me, as a child:

Four kids strapped into 3 seatbelts in the backseat of a 1976 Ford Country Squire Station Wagon, complete with fake wood paneling and those dirty little ashtrays in the armrests. The windows were always rolled up because, let's face it, driving straight into a blizzard in the dead of December is OBVIOUSLY the best time to take a little road trip with the kiddies. The heater was always cranked to keep the windshield clear. And, to top it all off, my parents chain-smoked in the front seat the entire way, while Patsy Cline played incessantly on the tape deck.

To this day, the sound of her voice still makes me carsick. I would have KILLED to ride on the roof rack.

Of course, while this solution may work for you in the short-term, little things like rain, highway troopers, or (in the case of Northern Manitoba) 10-pound mosquitoes can bring your state of bliss to an end REAL quick. So...

The answer isn't how to get yourself away from the music but, rather, how to get the music away from you. You see, the beauty of the CD Age is that those little plastic disks are VERY susceptible to "accidental" scratches. All you have to do is wait for your husband to ask for the CD while he's driving and hand it to him with your wedding ring turned around backwards, letting that pathetic 0.5 caret excuse for a diamond that he was so proud of saving money on so you could afford the fly-fishing trip during the honeymoon drag across the surface and, viola! No more High School Musical!

Of course, this sort of maneuver requires perfect timing and undetectable slight-of-hand. And that means one thing: Practice. LOTS of practice. Otherwise, your trick will be discovered and you'll have to deal with the whining, the pouting, the crying...MORE if the kids find out. So, unless you have a whole bunch of Celine Dion, Backstreet Boys, and Prozzak CDs kicking around, you might want to consider getting closer to the source: Your husband's computer.

Ultimately, this is where all that horrible music is going to originate before being burned to "Ultimate Holiday Road Mix Vol. 8". Somewhere on that 500GB SATA hard drive he just HAD to have under the auspices of turning all your wedding photos and videos into a multimedia masterpiece that would bring James Cameron to tears with its awe-inspiring transitions and haunting melodies but will never really get finished, nor watched if it did... Somewhere in there is a folder. Probably something with a descriptive name like "Music" or "Temp~1". And in that folder you will find all the files that he has iTuned, ripped, or pirated in preparation for your trip.

A short-sighted person would simply delete this folder and be done with it. But we're not simple, are we? Useless, maybe, but not simple. No... If you delete the music, he's only going to download it again, thereby monopolizing the PC more, staying up later to get "just 2 more songs", and making poorer and poorer selections in his sleep-deprived state. You need to eliminate his ability to acquire the songs at all.

Here at Useless Advice for Useless Men, we receive many emails, lots of which start with ***Suspected Spam***. Most people just delete these. We read them and try to answer them. In this case, though, you may want to consider having us forward a few to you. In a few short mouse-clicks, you can be virtually guaranteed of ensuring a virus or trojan horse has been installed on your PC. With that done, you'll have made it impossible for your husband to download any more music either because your Internet connection is gone, or because he's too busy swearing and trying to remove the virus himself instead of taking the machine in and coughing up the $40 to have a professional correct the problem in a matter of minutes. Either way, you win.

Now, if you just don't feel you are "tech-savvy" enough to pull this off, or if the PC is actually YOURS and you don't want it out of commission indefinitely, you could always just call the RIAA and report your husband for illegal music downloads. True or not, they're going to look into it.

While he's busying trying to explain away all those Vanilla Ice mp3's, you and the kids can enjoy a nice, peaceful, High School Musical-free holiday.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern



Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 616: USELESS MEN RULE

Dear Useless Men,

Could you please tell me what mans rule number 601 means?

thank you
By The Rules

Dear By The Rules,

Rule 601 from The Great Big Book O’ Rules for Men Written by Men for Men Without Rules Who Are Looking for Rules is a little one, but just as important as the other 17,000++ rules. It simply states, "Men can compliment another man's shirt only if it has a funny joke or a cool skull."

You see, men just don't notice other people's clothes. Men are very keen to notice if there are men or women not wearing clothes, especially men. And women.

We can only comment on a shirt if it has an entertaining joke/picture or social commentary. That's the exception because the wearer wants you to notice it and therefore you have simply done what was being asked ....

Alright, you got me. Thank you very much! I went and bought The Great Big Book O Rules for Men written by Men for Men Without Rules Who Are Looking for Rules, but I couldn't get through it. There are 17,000 rules! AND I'm out $375 too!! That’s $375 CANADIAN!!! Not that low ranking US currency stuff. I use that to blow my nose. (I used to use it to light fires, but it started to cost me too much.)

Since buying the book, I skimmed it a bit, which is how I was almost able to pull off this lie of an answer. Fat lot of good that did

But I've lost the book now. No doubt my wife has found it and will be using it against me soon. For all I know, rule 601 could be "Don't lose your book or else your wife might find it and use it against you".

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 615: THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST BLOG

Dear Useless Men,

Without going into too much detail, let's just say I'm really itchy. Got any good home remedies for this sort of thing?

Sincerely,
Too Embarrassed to See the Doctor

Dear Embarrassment,

Yeah! This is such a great question. From a comedic standpoint, I mean.

What's not perfect about itchiness? You can go all sorts of directions with that, each one more hilarious than the last! The thing is, we just don't have to try anymore. Not since someone nominated us for Funniest Weblog. We are essentially funny enough.

In fact, I'm basically prepared to blame you lot for us not having won it already! Why, think of all the great stuff we could have done if we weren't mercilessly shackled to having to answer your piddly questions all the time? I could pontificate, postulate, and undulate without purpose or direction. Well maybe not undulate; I've been ordered by the court not to do that in public anymore.

My point stands, however! From this point on we are our own masters, no longer held in thrall to the whims and fancies of a petulant public bent on solving their own moral dilemmas by brandishing us like some very handsome metaphorical Excalibur against the evil barony of life's little problems!

Like, "Ooh, you know, like, my husband only, you know, can never make a decision. Like when we got out for dinner and I'm like 'Pick a place,' he's always like 'Where do you want to go?' That makes me so mad!!! So I tell him JUST PICK SOMETHING and he's like WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO PICK and I'm all I DON'T EVEN CARE!! I really do care and I want him to pick the exact restaurant that I have in my mind but he never does. He just picks a different one. So I let him know how angry I am that he can't read my mind by just sitting there and drinking water and when the waiter comes I go 'I'm not hungry.'"

Here's your answer: Quit being dumb! You should be thankful men can't read minds because he'd have met you, read your mind for the perfect way to sleep with you and then move on, and you'd never be married with a nice house in the suburbs and half the Ikea catalogue in your living room.

So from here on out, I'm doing the absolute bare minimum to get by! No more hilarity from me, petty masters!

As for itchiness, I prescribe vigorous scratching in all affected areas. If your own scratching doesn't do the trick, hire a midget in a tux.*

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless

* NOTE: That was still me being comically lazy. Midgets in a tux make anything funny. Imagine: A midget in a tux taming lions. A midget in a tux doing a Tony Bennett impression taking your order at Starbucks. Fourteen midgets in tuxes all blindfolded playing flag football. A midget in a tux doing the moonwalk.


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 614: SUBWAY TURF WARS

Dear Useless Men,

As I was pulling away from my local video store today, I accidentally backed into a parked car. I panicked and took off without leaving a note but I think the guy that runs the Subway in the same strip mall saw me. I don't think I can risk going back there now. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so addicted to movies and subs...

What should I do?

Signed,
Jared's Evil Twin

Dear Jared’s Evil Twin,

Unless you are looking to enter some kind of twelve-step program for movies and subs, I suggest a different approach. Let's face it, that's a lot of steps and if you eliminate subs and movies you'll never again see Das Boot or Hunt For Red October!

The first thing I would suggest is to make sure your car shows no sign of contact with the other car. If you have a dent in yours from hitting the car, check for paint chips in it. Paint transfer occurs when your car picks up some of the other car's paint from rubbing against it.

To eliminate this evidence you might consider putting your car in for bodywork but that takes time. The easier answer is to hit the same spot on your car with another car of a different colour. This will serve to hide the paint from the first car underneath the transfer from the second car. You can repeat this process until there are so any different colours of paint that nobody could tell what you hit. This is also ultimately cheaper than the cost of the repair work on your car.

If you're that addicted to subs all you have to do is tell the guy that runs the Subway that if he tells anyone that you'll stop eating there. If you are indeed Jared's evil twin, you likely eat well enough that his car payment is dependant on your continued patronage. Hey! If you promise to bring a friend from then on, he may even give you a false alibi so that nobody can pin the crash on you!

Under no circumstance should you approach the vehicle owner and try to smooth things over. He was likely sent by the competition to place their car in your way so that you would hit it. The ensuing embarrassment would prevent you from continuing to visit that particular location. You are likely caught in the middle of a Subway turf war. These can get messy so whatever you do, make sure you keep your eyes open. Once the Quiznos cars start popping into the equation, things are bound to get really nasty.

You can rent a movie pretty much anywhere, so I wouldn't worry too much about those guys.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 613: POTTY HUMOUR

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men and boys like potty humour about things like farts and assorted Three Stooges stuff? I took my nephew to the Simpsons movie and thought it was pretty lame. He liked it. I don't know why.

Reading a Book at the Movies

Dear Reading a Book at the Movies,

I saw the Simpson's Movie too! The thing is, you have to be a fan of the show to truly appreciate the subtle humour of the big screen adaptation. The producers certainly made all efforts to make the movie accessable to fans and non-fans alike, but who are we kidding? If you can't stand the show, you won't like the movie.

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but the opening was brilliant and the brief controversial nudity was ingeniously played out. There is a sharp satirical wit to the Simpson's that I find enhances such jokes as, say, the belching pig.

All the same, C’MON! The pig was doing an impression of Homer! Who doesn't love a mimicking pig? (I might add the pig’s impression of Marge was far funnier though). I found the Simpson's movie paced well and was like watching a decent episode of the show. It was far better then the dreg of a "Family Guy Movie" that was released straight to video. For a movie that was supposed to be the only post cancellation material after several years, it wasn't that funny. In fact, since Family Guy’s return, the sharp satire and pop cultural references all seem forced and lazy with an emphasis on the toilet humour that was so joyfully balanced on Family Guy’s pre-cancellation seasons.

A real shame if you ask me.

The opposite can said that the belching pig jokes soften the satirical edge and social commentaries the Simpson's made famous. Without them, the show would just be mean and not the heartwarming "oh no you di’n't" silliness that it is. And after 19 years, the Simpson's feels fresh and rejuvenated. The movie took 10 years to make and it was worth the wait.

So my suggestion to you, if you need further proof of the brilliance of slapstick funny, then sit yourself down for Episode 9F22 of the Simpson's entitled "Cape Feare" and watch the bit where Sideshow Bob steps on the rakes and gets slapped in the face.

If that doesn't crack a smile, then I've got nothing more to add.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 612: CORRECTIVITUDAL MEASURES

Dear Useless Men,

In his response to New Found Land in question # 600, Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat closes with very bad grammar. Which, in itself, is not a bad thing when you are a Useless Man. However, when you are specifically referring to, and more importantly, speaking NEWFOUN-ESE, the expression regarding location is “where ya TO”. And yes Newfoun-ese is a language as well as a culture, in much the same way Japan-ese and Chin-ese are both languages and cultures. I only know this by virtue of my good fortune to live in Calgary, which has the world’s 2nd largest population of Newfoun-ese people, on a per capita basis.

So my question is: I know that there are many forms of English, with the Western Canadian English being the purest of the entire planet (not even the Brits can speak English properly) (but you have to exclude BC’s lower mainland from my “western Canadian” grouping – those people just plain talk weird), so I hope I’m not coming across as insulting when I ask…… don’t you employ someone to ensure that your replies are guaranteed to be linguistically correct?

Signed:
Not Sure How To Sign This

Dear Not Sure How To Sign This,

Ok, Mr. Smarty Pants, I’ll have you know that I fixified the question in question. I transmogrified the original words to the words you suggestituded.

But for someone that knows a lot about language, you could learnify a thing or two about signatures.

Nothing is going to leave a stronger impression than a strong signature. That, and a strong title. I once tried to submit a piece of prose for evalufication and possible publication, but it was rejectituded because it did not have a title. I argumented that it was intended to be untitled. It was then accepted, but published under the title, “untitled”.

But that doesn’t answerify the crux of your question, which is who really dropped the ball! I suppose it was me. Not that there should be finger pointing and labels assigned. We all know that labels disable.

We don’t employ anyone for anything. Somehow, this stuff just happens. Not like this week. This week nothing happened. But it’s happening now. And it should happen again next week.

The closest we have to ensuring the lingistitude of an answer is Windows Spell Check, and we all know how well that has worked out in the past. And by the squiggly red line under it, it appears that lingistitude is not a recognized word. Likewise, neither is fixified, suggestituded, learnify, evalufication, rejectituded, argumented or answerify. Surprisingly, transmogrified is though… Look it up!

In the end, the only guarantee we ever offered on our site is that every question submitted will be answered. And so far, we’re 100% on that one.

Well, 100% except for those ones that are still coming in for the contest. Or the ones that haven’t been posted. Or the ones that I hadn’t sent to the trademarked Advice Randomizer yet.

Let’s say that if no one sent in any more questions for the rest of the year (not that I’m suggesting anything of the like!), we’d definitely have given 100% by the end of the year.

If you wanted 110%, we could make up our own questions for a couple of weeks?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 611: DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Dear Useless Men,

Guys get away with everything. They wear track pants and a bulky sweater and they are "playing it cool." If they have a two day scruff they are "rustic and outdoorsy." And if they didn't have time to brush their hair in two days, they are "trendy." Women on the other hand spend countless hours doing their hair, makeup and buying fancy outfits just so they can avoid hearing, "Oh dear, she's really let herself go, hasn't she?"

What gives? What is the secret to your success?

Signed,
Ban the Spa

Dear Ban the Spa,

You’ve pointed out some excellent qualities men possess and I can understand your jealousy.

But did you know that women who wear track pants and bulky sweaters are 68% more successful at attracting that elusive lesbian lover? And with two days worth of scruff, many have successfully landed circus jobs as the sideshow attraction.

Going two days with no hair brushing gives the distinct impression that a woman has successfully watched a 48-hour Melrose Place marathon – a feat no living man has ever successfully completed because that dang Billy is just too annoying, Michael’s just too unethical, and Jake makes me men feel insecure.

Yes, any man who has survived such torture has always resorted to voluntarily buying the farm. (That’s a less harsh way of saying suicide…)

So you see, men aren’t the only ones who are successful. That may be because it’s simply your point of view, or that success is a relative term.

Take, for instance, little Dougie who always succeeds at sneaking that leftover fat and gristle to his beloved dog, who then dies of an exploding aorta. Or the pimple-faced Burger King clerk who successfully robs a bank and races down the highway at questionable legal speeds, eventually finding himself laying in two pieces, surrounded by black hats after clipping the back of a horse-drawn Mennonite wagon.

Yes, you can be successful, but at what price to small dogs and Mennonites?

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 610: LET'S SLOW IT DOWN

Dear Useless Men,

Do you guys, like, have favorite bands? Or do you just write to silence. Either way it's cool.

Signed,
Big Hair

Dear Big Hair,

Boy, have you touched on a sensitive topic. Well, for starters, we all have a favourite band. Actually, it's musician. Around the offices “we all agree” that Mike Evin is the greatest musician since Sliced Bread. (Sliced Bread was a jam band back in the 60's that slipped under the radar. Great musicianship.) I can't emphasize enough just how much “we” all love Mike Evin.

However, when the boss is away, things get complicated. We can never decide on what music to listen to, but we need something because we find the hum of the trademarked Advice Randomizer insanely irritating. Like having to listen to the same three Mike Evin songs in random order. Me? I'm a metal head through and through. Useless Gal and The Useless Wonder can at least agree on the Back To The Future soundtrack, since Useless Gal is a classical head.

Any More Useless, I'd be a Cat wants anything but classical or top 40 hits, but the Useless Intern is staring to push his weight around now and wants the billboard charts top 100. As long as he sticks to the bottom 60 hits, the two of them get along great.

Just Plain Useless is still trying to decide which new album is better: 50 Cents' or Kayne West's. He insists we alternate each album until he decides.

It's amazing we can get anything done at all. But worry not, we have come to an agreement and so we listen to Apocalyptica, Metallica by four cellos. This is cellos, so it's classical. It's Metallica, so it is metal and billboard charts 100. And both Kayne West's and 50 Cents' albums both suck! Everybody's happy!

Oooohhhh .... here comes the wicked solo from Enter Sandman! I've got some air cello-ing to do!

Rock On!!

Sincerely Excellent,
One Useless Brother


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 609: AN ODDLY USEFUL GRRL

In the absence of our Occasional Useless Gal, our longtime stalker, fan and friend hacked our trademarked Advice Randomizer and answered the following question.

Dear Useless Men,

is that true that the beer contain the female hormones ? Or it is merely a joke posted on the website ? If it is true, shall we stop all the men drink the beer ??

Useless Reader

Dear Useless Reader,

Of course it's a joke.

There is no diabolical plot for world domination by females. We would never do that to you guys.

Sure, it would be nice if we could have a world run by women, for women (and without fart jokes).

Without men, we'd spend thousands of dollars on clothes, make up and spas for nothing! What a waste that would be. Without men, we'd ask for directions and miss all that extra sightseeing. Without men, we'd have way too much free time. Time we could have spent cleaning. Besides, someone has to watch all those Die Hard action movies. And we never really wanted the remote…

Of course, it would be really nice if all the washrooms were women's and we never had to stand in line again while the men's room is empty. How plain life would be if we never had to put the seat down again? Then, there's the evening... sharing a bed. I'd miss the snoring, too.

Without men, who would we get to squish bugs, open tight jar lids or reach for those items on the top shelf? It's not like they've invented anything that can do all that. Who would we get to wash the car, paint the house or fix the sink? Men are so useful for so many things. Things we just can't do without you guys...

You ready for that next beer now?

Sincerely,
An Oddly Useful Grrl


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 608: CELLULAR FUNKY CHICKENS

Dear Useless Men,

A girl from work hooked me with this guy she was friends with for the past 7 years. Seemed like a nice enough guy at first so I talk and dated him. When the sex talk began I told him I do not want to unless I am with the person as a couple.

After about two weeks of dating we did the funky chicken. He stopped calling and was only texting me for three days straight. I texted him and asked him if he was still interested. He said yes so I called him and we talked. In that talk he went from "yes I want to be with you" to "no I do not see myself with you" to "lets be friends". I am pretty blunt and asked him not to give me a line if he was not into me just to say that. I asked him to come over after he was done with his friends and he said yes. I started think maybe this is a lie so I sent him some text messages that told him that I know he not coming over and that he was using me. He never responded to them so the next day I sent him and email that was not nice.

I called him out cause I wanted him to admit and just say he used me. In the email I told him what I thought and also sent him a copy of another email that I sent my friend a few days earlier. In the email I made mention about " I do not what was worse the 5 mins of sex or the his non-stop talking about his ex" and " If that is average, then I do not want it"

Then I sent an email to the girl that hooked up us. Telling her the nice version of everything. She responded and said he is a nice guy and would not do that. I texted him and asked him if we could clear the air. He called me and we talked for a bit. Then he cam over and we had sex again. Then he just texted me for two day then came over again to help me move somethings. We talked about things and I thought things were cool again. Yes, I had sex with him again. But he has not called me at all since then and only one text to say that he was going to call later but never did. (two days ago)

He just got divorced two months ago after his wife let him for a woman. Because of this "he says" he not ready for anything at this time. He says he thought he was ready but he was wrong. That he feels dead inside since his break up. He keeps flip flopping and I do not know what to believe is the truth.

I feel like I am going crazy cause I am used to men wanting to be with me and treat me like a queen. This one come along and ignores me and is not what I want in a mate at all.Yet I am attracted to him so some unknown reason but can not stand him either.

I feel stupid cause I rushed into something and the fact I feel like I am just a booty call. Which is not okay by me at all cause for one I am way hotter than him. lol.

Please help me understand because I am completely and totally stupid of this thing.

Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used,

As a man, here is what I see from your letter. You gave in. Regardless of whatever else you say, he got it, and that’s it.

Now most women see that as being used but it really isn’t. I think of it like the way you are using your cell phone. You told the man in question that you would not have funky chicken with him unless he committed to you. Did you get a contract signed? Of course not. You are a person, not a cell phone company.

The cell phone people have it figured out. They’ll give some funky chicken rate on your airtime, and even throw in a free phone to attract you to their lair instead of their competitors, like that MILF Ma Bell. That Ma Bell will steal the souls of all the men that think they are using her because she has a monopoly. And that includes a monopoly on your guy.

With a long-term cell phone contract, you get a lot of benefits like cheaper rates, but you are locked into the plan. If you want out, there is a penalty. Where is your penalty? When this guy stopped being committed, what are the consequences? From your letter, it appears he received increased service. And that would NEVER happen with a cell phone company.

What I think you should do is consider offering better reception, and a free phone, to the guy that will sign on for a long-term commitment.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 607: WHO WANTS PRIZES?

Dear Useless Men,

I love contests. I would like to enter them all. However I have so little time to fill out all the forms with my personal information. Do you have any advice that will help me win the prizes of my dreams? Here's a quick list of what I would like:

a cruise to the Islands, a car, money, a big house designed by Sarah Richardson, an MP3 player, a gardening tool set and of course, some breakfast cereal.

So, nothing much.

Help me out and I'll give you a cut,
Fast Eddie

Dear Fast Eddie,

First, let me thank you, Fast Eddie, for your delightful fast food. Not only do I love the affordable eats, but my future coronary bypass surgeon thanks you too! Now, on to business …

So, you want to win prizes do you? Well, you've come to the right place! Myself, along with a few of the other useless men, are KINGS at entering all manner of draws.

We annually invade the Canadian International Auto Show with an aim to get some of the fantastic prizes ourselves. We often leave with excessive amounts of freebies, from stickers to shirts and hats. How can we manage these fantastic deals?? Volume!

No, we don't shout and scream until we get what we want! We simply pour it on thick when we get to the booths. The people are often impressed enough by us to hand over the goodies.

Sure, my wife claims that they do this to just get rid of us, but she never gets free t-shirts! So, I say she can't be trusted.

While these little prizes excite us, we strive to hone our skills. I plan to badger the people in the Toyota pavilion next year until they give me a free car. I'll let you know how this goes as it may be the gateway to all manner of future acquisitions.

Having put some time in working a booth at a home show, I can tell you that our draw for in-home cleaning, while done by “random ballot”, was as random as the income tax return you fill out each year (unless you don't fill one out at all and then you may already be the winner of affordable housing for a period of 1-year (or less with good behaviour)). The prizes went to the really cute women we saw entering ballots because then we got to go to their homes and see them again!

Sure, it sounds like creepy behaviour, but it beats getting to the house of some 93-year-old chatty lady and being regaled with tales of her 40 cats or something. THAT’S some creepy there!

So if the volume method isn't working out so well for you, then you should try to hire an extremely attractive girl to go enter draws in your name. The delivery guys may be quite surprised when they get to your place, but by then you've got your prize, so it's too late! The best part about this method is that if you manage to get all that free stuff you are talking about, you may even be able to attract the girl without having to pay, as she will want your stuff too!

Don't forget to invite us to the wedding when your day comes.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


Get in on our contest! Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 606: HE LOVES ME. HE LOVES ME NOT.

Dear Useless Men,

There's this girl in my class that I really like. I've tried all the regular tricks to make her notice me, you know, calling her names at recess, punching her in the arm, and hitting her with spit balls, but she always just runs away. How can I get her to like me?

Signed,
Grade Seven Romeo

Dear Ro,

Can I call you Ro?--Ro, look, buddy. You're telegraphing too much interest here. Spit balls? Arm punching? C'mon. This is what all the other guys your age are trying. You’ve got to be the exception to the rule, right? Stand out from the crowd and all that. That said, here are a few non-standard age-specific teases/tricks that will help you turn Juliet's head (NOTE: These tactics are strictly for those between the ages of 6 and 13. DearUselessMen.com is not responsible for their result when performed by adults. (Actually, we’re irresponsible for anything you read on here)).

Dump her lunch out This one's pretty self-explanatory. When you see her toting that little brown bag--you know, where she's got some PB&J inside, maybe an apple, some chips, and a puddin' cup, you just grab that sucker and dump it in the trash. She'll cry. Then later you can go up and be like, "Remember that time you were all like, ‘Wahhhh my mom bought that with food stamps!’ That was pretty funny."

Set her backpack on fire The only ones who love a good prank better than boys are girls. Especially when they're the butt! Wait till she's distracted--usually this means standing in line, doing a complicated math problem, or crying because you dumped her lunch out--then light it up. After the initial fireball is when you should ask her to prom.

Kidnap her pet turtle Oh man. She won't be able to get enough of you! Bonus points if you send her a picture of some tomato soup with green food coloring in it with the caption "Yum!"

Knock on the door of her house and when her mom answers give her some bogus story about being at the park and needing to use the restroom really bad but you can't because you get anxiety attacks when you use public restrooms and you're too far from home to use your own so can you please, please use hers? Unless she's a callous, child-hating witch she'll usually say yes. Haha, sucker! That's when you sneak to an upstairs phone and call the police and tell them there's a gun-toting madman in the house and give them her address. That way you, her mom, the SWAT team, and the local news can all have a big belly laugh together at her expense when you tell them that it's just a joke!

Hope this helps, Romeo. We men have sort of lost our edge in recent years. Cheers to you helping to get it back!

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 605: JORDAN VS GRETZKY

Dear Useless Men,

I have been having a debate with a fellow blogger about who is a greater all around athlete, Wayne Gretzky or Michael Jordan. I say Jordan. I hope that your input will settle this debate. Or that this whole idea of his may be completely useless.

With his Airness,
AndyRoo

Dear AndyRoo,

Having debates with strangers on the internet is rather useless, so CONGRATULATIONS on meeting our standards.

Michael Jordan, NBA Champion, and Wayne Gretzky, greatest hockey player of all time, played two very different sports which makes it difficult to compare the two, so let’s start off with something simple: Their names.

Statistically speaking, (the best way to argue sports), Michael is a more popular name than Wayne, giving Mr. Jordan the upper hand right off the bat. But Michael is also a very mundane name, and could easily be confused with any other Michael athlete. Take these names in parts. Someone says Wayne played a great game, and you automatically know it is Gretzky. Michael played a great game, and you could mean anyone from Jordan’s NBA game to Vick’s Dog Fighting ring.

Point: Tie

With both players now being retired (How long ago did you send this question by the way?) we can look back over their entire playing careers. The first nine years of Wayne’s NHL career found him playing for the Edmonton Oilers, while during the same time, Michael was played basketball for the Chicago Bulls. Common sense tells us that, no matter how big its horns are, a bull stands no chance on oil. Literally. The slick, slippery oil would barely allow the bull to stand, let alone win any sort of sporting competition.


Point: Gretzky

In 1989, Wayne wiped the greasy oil slick from his skates when he was traded to the LA Kings. Gretzky became royalty, opening the doors for Mr. Jordan to prove he was better. But, as history shows, Spanish Kings hired matadors to amuse their loyal constituents and fans. The bulls never stood a chance then, as well as now.

Point: Gretzky

By the time Wayne was traded to the St. Louis Blues in 1996, Michael Jordan was already retired. Obviously, the active athlete, no. 99, has the advantage over the guy sitting in the rocking chair gumming his peas.

Point: Gretzky

Not one to give up easily, Michael Jordan came out of retirement, probably on some kind of day pass, to give the NBA another shot with the Washington Wizards. Wayne was a NY Ranger by this time and easily capable of defeating a bull. Rangers, as you know, use an arsenal of weaponry like the blinding flash-bangs and track their enemies from a great distance, ensuring their own safety is never compromised. Had the Wizards kept their original moniker, the Bullets, at least he’d have a shooters chance.

Point: Gretzky

It’s clear from the comparison that Wayne Gretzky is the better all around athlete as he is practically undefeatable in everything all around his career. Antoher trophy to add to his case!

But this is only half the weighted category. I now turn it over to the comments section to see what the rest of the Useless nation has to say on this topic. Consider this your chance to influence whose 8X10 we hang on the office refrigerator.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


To enter our contest, send in your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here. Any questions?

Contest Sponsored By:


Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.