QUESTION # 651: RED NOSE AERIAL DISTRICT

Dear Useless Men,

I know there are many theories on this topic, but I know that you know the truth. Why does Rudolph have a shiny bright red nose?

Truth Seeker

Dear Truth Seeker,

This is one of those stories that has gotten all twisted up after generations of retelling. Rudolph is known to us as the poor belittled creature who has a rather striking birth defect. The story of reindeer intolerance and his overcoming of such bigotry is one that people seem to adore. The reality is far less glamorous.

Turns out, Rudolph was born a normal reindeer, at least physically. His nose was as dull and under illuminated as any other. The real problem comes from the fact that he is a rebellious little critter. All his years growing up, he was warned to sit back farther from the television or he'd hurt his eyes. Not one for compliance, he simply chose to defy his parents and sit even closer. After years of sitting with his nose pressed against the screen, the radiation caused his nose to mutate and the overexposure has, to this very day, packed him so full of radiation that his nose emits this eerie red glow.

In an additional side effect of the overexposure to reindeer reality shows and poorly drawn cartoons with little plot, his mind has turned to mush. As a result he is about as smart as the average sleigh bell. The other reindeer used to laugh and call him names because he was a brat. But now that he is well and truly damaged, they can't laugh as they find it sad.

Unfortunately for Rudolph, the tragedy of this tale doesn't stop there. It is a little known fact that Rudolph is indeed a lousy navigator. It is also a little known fact that Santa is one of those people who likes to put blame on others.

Turns out, Santa uses Rudolph on foggy nights so that he can fail miserably and can blame Rudolph since he was the one guiding the sleigh. The other reindeer, and even some of the elves, feel so bad about this that they pretend to be excited when they see Rudolph being harnessed up for the team and try to treat him well despite what will be for them, a very long night indeed. The increased attention being paid to what was in the air after the outbreak of World War 2 meant that people would take notice of a strange red aerial glow. As a result, Santa's PR elves worked overtime once they realized that after identifying the strange light that the story would begin to leak out about the injustice of the whole situation and, in partnership with Montgomery Ward, managed to cover it all up with the lovely tale and song that we all know today.

Yes, it's all sad, but if it hadn't panned out this way we'd never have Hermie the Dental Elf or Bumble the Yeti, so it's not all bad I suppose.

You'll go down in history indeed.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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