QUESTION # 654: ORIENTATED INTELLIGENCE

Dear Useless Men,

Why do people with average intelligence, large egos, and small self-confidence add extra syllables to words? Do they really think that using longer words makes them sound more technically knowledgeable? Or are they so shallow that they do this to make themselves sound more important in meetings?

One example is the word "orientate", which of course isn't a real word, It really is just the "ate" suffix added to the root word "orient". I have many other examples, but I don't want to take up your time with all of them. I think you already get the point of my question.

vacabulary constabulary

Dear Vacaulary Constabulary,

A long time ago, back when there was still magic in the world, and green winged faeries danced reels with red-capped gnomes in misty hills and verdant valleys, times were simpler. The world was inhabited by simple men who lead simple lives as bakers, woodsmen, and tailors, and used simple resources such as flour, wood, and cloth. As befitting their simple minds, these men used simple, archaic language without any adornments, and engaged in a primitive, pre-email form of communication called "talking to one another." They lived idyllic sorts of lives, talking as they pleased, wedding who they pleased, and working as they pleased.

Though happy, these men rarely spared thoughts for such complex questions as, "How do I word this memo so that it sounds like I am incredibly smart, yet so vaguely that if anything goes wrong I can't be blamed for having caused it?" And so it was when Malgremnia, Queen of Corporatia, swept into the land. Descending upon the simple men like a cloud of locusts, she brought frightful new knowledge into their simple little world, and things would never be the same.

Suddenly humans were a resource! Some went to bed as woodsmen, only to wake up woodspersons! Strict regulations were enacted to prevent the baker from marrying his cashier, the tailor his apprentice, the barkeep his wench. Talking was outlawed under pain of death, and under Malgremnia's rule, the strict e-mail only policy that we know today was put in place. Answers could no longer be direct and concise, and "yes" was quickly replaced with "we believe that our reports show a disinclination towards the negative, but future projections have yet to source out whether or not this is a fluke or a trend."

Time lost all meaning, and simple tasks that at one time took several minutes now took weeks. When once the butcher, if he needed a new chopping block, could cross the street to see his good friend the carpenter, he now needed to go several streets down to acquire the proper paperwork from the Requisitor, who was generally surly, unhelpful, and believed everyone was out to cheat him, and would often lose said paperwork on purpose just to make things more difficult for everyone.

Of course none of this would have been possible without the language of oppression employed by Malgremnia's Lieutenants. The simple could stand up to them under normal circumstances, but these evil magic words effectively laid a yoke around each man's neck, confounding their logic and enslaving them. These were words such as your "orientate" and its cousin "notate," meaningless concatenations such as "synergy," and even still normal words given sinister, alternate meanings, such as "unfortunately," which used to convey sympathy, and now meant nothing more than "I don't care about your problem."

Look away, all ye of constitution weak:

Bob,

Carrie in accounting had a look at your projections. Re: will there be in enough in the budget next year to take all 8 hours off on Christmas day? Unfortunately, while our reports show disinclination towards the negative, our future projections have yet to source out whether or not this is a fluke or a trend, and thus we can commit to know discernable conclusion. Further, this request shows a distinct lack of familiarity with the SOP for requests, and you will be scheduled for a mandatory group orientating during your lunch break tomorrow. If you have any questions, please see Fred in requisitions for the proper dispute forms.

PS - Security tapes show yourself and Hannah from IT sharing a cup of coffee on your break. We would just like to take this opportunity to remind you that inter-office relationships are strictly frowned upon, and this indiscretion has been notated.

Consider yourself warned.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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