QUESTION # 656: TOASTING THE MOON

Dear Useless Men,

hello

could you please tell me why raisin bread toasts faster than white bread? and, shouldn't my toaster have a "raisin toast" button, beside the bagel button, for my convenience? i simply cannot eat another piece of burnt raisin toast

thank you

Dear Thank You,

You've happened upon a sympathetic soul. I, too, enjoy the sweet deliciousness of a piece of raisin toast slathered in butter on a cold winter's morn. The reason for its toasting faster is that raisin bread is composed mainly of wheat (and raisins), while white bread is composed mainly of glucose. And glucose, as you are no doubt already aware, comes from NASA's lunar mining colonies, and is engineered to take longer to toast than conventional bread.

Why, you might ask? It's simple, really. You just have to follow the money.

Back in its conceptual days NASA needed capital. Because the government was unwilling or unable to front the necessary funds, NASA founder Linus Spaceshuttle (now you know why they call them what they do!) was forced to look for funding elsewhere. After many months of searching in vain for anyone who might help jumpstart his pet project of launching monkeys into space--at first begun simply as a way to have a few laughs while enjoying a cold one--Spaceshuttle was forced to expand his project if it were ever to see the light of day.

Then the lightbulb clicked on. Literally. Spaceshuttle realized that power companies, who were currently enjoying the biggest boom since their inception as would-be June Cleavers all over North America were plugging in appliances that chugged enough electricity to kill a herd of buffalo, were the perfect financiers for his operation. He wooed them with tales of people glued to their television sets for hours on end as they watched man's first moon landing. He told them about his idea for a place called "mission control," which would be a city unto itself as far as electricity consumption was concerned. Their interest was piqued, but they wanted more. They wanted sustained, continuous return on investment. They wanted toast. And Linus Spaceshuttle was going to give it to them.

Realizing the only way to get his pet project off the ground--pardon the pun--Spaceshuttle agreed to research a man-made substance that would increase toasting times by 25%. Satisfied, the power barons handed over big fat checks. NASA began.

Years later, the moon was colonized in secret. Labs were deployed to mine the precious glucose from the sub-lunar surface. Toasters were designed specifically to take advantage of this, to the detriment of all other forms of bread. Faster forward to modern days, and you get burnt raising toast.

I hope this has been an eye-opening experience. Join us another time as I explain why all of our dental floss is made out of unprocessed llama hair.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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