QUESTION # 672: SMELLY MR. KNOW-IT-ALL

Dear Useless Men,

Why do ppl who think they know everything often have 20 cats and always smell like cat pee?

Honkeie2

Dear Honkeie2

Cat urine is stronger and more offensive than dog or human urine, so I can understand your repulsion. But don’t be too quick to judge, as there are plenty of stupid people who own cats as well. Take Jon Arbuckle for example. He’s not exactly famous for his knowledge of quantum mechanics or political science.

Nevertheless, if the smell of cat pee offends you, try this helpful tip for avoiding the know-it-all types: You will need to learn to spot the know-it-all from a distance. Luckily, they can be easily recognized by their annoying characteristics.

They will often talk a lot or speak very quickly, and use words you likely won’t understand. They can be tall, with greasy hair or big scruffy beards with wisps of grey. Thick glasses are common, as is non-directional pacing.

If it proves difficult to avoid situations where you’d encounter a person matching this description you can always carry around a bottle of Urine Away. The fast-acting enzyme action eliminates cat urine odours and stains. Simply hose the know-it-all and let dry.

Finally, you should avoid known know-it-all hangouts. There’s nothing worse than being cornered by a bearded close-talker who’s wearing a leopard-print thong with his boys hanging out the sides a little bit, and wants nothing more than to tell you about society’s mistakes while he feeds the 20 cats that live with him in his cardboard box in the alley behind the Useless Offices.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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