Friday, June 13, 2008

QUESTION # 672: SMELLY MR. KNOW-IT-ALL

Dear Useless Men,

Why do ppl who think they know everything often have 20 cats and always smell like cat pee?

Honkeie2


Dear Honkeie2Jon Arbuckle, created by Jim Davis.

Cat urine is stronger and more offensive than dog or human urine, so I can understand your repulsion. But don’t be too quick to judge, as there are plenty of stupid people who own cats as well. Take Jon Arbuckle for example. He’s not exactly famous for his knowledge of quantum mechanics or political science.

Nevertheless, if the smell of cat pee offends you, try this helpful tip for avoiding the know-it-all types: You will need to learn to spot the know-it-all from a distance. Luckily, they can be easily recognized by their annoying characteristics.

They will often talk a lot or speak very quickly, and use words you likely won’t understand. They can be tall, with greasy hair or big scruffy beards with wisps of grey. Thick glasses are common, as is non-directional pacing.

Urine Away comes with the Black Light Stain Finder - the stains glow under the light so you can easily clean them up.If it proves difficult to avoid situations where you’d encounter a person matching this description you can always carry around a bottle of Urine Away. The fast-acting enzyme action eliminates cat urine odours and stains. Simply hose the know-it-all and let dry.

Finally, you should avoid known know-it-all hangouts. There’s nothing worse than being cornered by a bearded close-talker who’s wearing a leopard-print thong with his boys hanging out the sides a little bit, and wants nothing more than to tell you about society’s mistakes while he feeds the 20 cats that live with him in his cardboard box in the alley behind the Useless Offices.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

6 comments:

Jeff said...

Urine trouble.

Get it? Urine? Like "you're in"?

Nevermind.

honkeie2 said...

I might have to keep a small bottle of this stuff in my pocket at all times, I sure hope I dont mistakingly grab the other can in my pocket. That one has pepper spray in it.....

The Useless Wonder said...

I don't even know why my dad lives in the alley. We said he could use the couch...

Andrew said...

I resent the question ... sometimes there are two or three days a month when I don't smell like a cat, so be careful when you say "always".

P.S. I'm ba-ackkk... After a year's absence the Dismaying Stories are flying again, so beware.

Mon said...

know what stinks 100 times wors than cat pee? rabbit pee.

what about those people?

Mon said...

know what stinks 100 times wors than cat pee? rabbit pee.

what about those people?