QUESTION # 677: STALKING SPLOJERKS

Dear Useless Men,

I use a computer in a public place and there is a guy there most times I go in. He constantly, snuffs, snorts, sighs and scatches the whole time I'm there. Why does he do this? I've watched through a window before going in and he is just surfing the web. This activity starts as soon as I sit down.

TJ

Dear TJ,

You have found yourself a splojerk. Don’t confuse these with a Spoljaric. They are fine baseball family out of Port Hope, Ontario. (Hi Paul!)

Unless, of course, this public computer place is in Port Hope, in which case it could be both. It would be rare, I suppose. My cousin once felt threatened by a splojerk in Port Hope (who was not a Spoljaric as far as I know). Either way, this spoljerk made my time at the part get cut short when my older cousin decided her safety was more important than an extra under-dog on the swings. Of course, that slimy punk may have wanted a little under-dog himself, and he was too big for the swings.

Where was I? Right, Port Hope. Initially I’d guess that this guy was trying to get your attention, akin to hitting you over the head with a lunchbox to show his love but without the assault charges.

But then I re-read your letter. Mostly because I’d forgotten what you were asking. And you said “I’ve watched through a window before going in…” And alarm bells began ringing like loud bells that would be in a good metaphor that I can’t think of right now. Think liberty bell but without the crack, unless it was my wise crack here.

Ummm… where was I? Right, you being a stalker. Your staring through the window has clearly frighten this man. Port Hope is a small town, and the prospect of avoiding you in future in a public computer place isn’t promising. So he is clearly making actions to turn you off. It’s like a woman that farts in an elevator to ensure she doesn’t get followed by the creepy guy that just got off.

Now, if you are still interested in him, I suggest that you make your intentions more clear like inviting him to the park for a ride on the swings. Unless you have a lunch pail available?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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