QUESTION # 683: DISPOSABLE? INDISPENSABLE

Dear Useless Men,

I'm a fan of what you do on your site, and I have a great product for you to review. I developed the Disposable Flask - it holds 5 shots of liquor, empties completely flat and fits easily into your back pocket. It makes sneaking your booze with you anywhere easy and convenient.

I'd like to send some samples if you¹re interested in reviewing it. In the meantime, check out the Disposable Flasks Web site www.DisposableFlasks.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,
Alex

Dear Alex,

Here at Useless Advice From Useless Men, we don’t throw around the word “genius” very often, except when talking about people like George Foreman, or that Wendy’s guy, Dave Thomas and his quad burgers. What we throw around more often are things like footballs... and footlongs subs.

But ‘genius’ is the term I’d use to describe the package you sent us: The Disposable Flask. Genius isn’t the only term I want to use either. These wondrous plastic flasks are unparalleled.

In fact, for a stick-boy like me, the flask kills two birds with one stone. Not only can I sneak my daily requirement of bourbon while standing in the DMV line-up, but I can correct my unsightly flat-ass which has been turning off the ladies for years. The flask fits perfectly in my back pocket and acts like the perfect ass implant. If I want something subtle, well, maybe I’ll only put two shots in the flask. But If I’m hitting the local club scene, I’ll fill ‘em with five and fight the chicks off with a stick all night.

Hooking up is easy with a sexy ass. But what’s the next step? A date to the movies is pretty standard. With the disposable flask, though, you can transform ‘standard’ into ‘awesome’ while you kick back like you were in your own living room, sitting on your own busted Ikea couch, with your own 1997 phone book propping it up.

The greatest feature has to be the fact that these flasks are so discrete. During Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, nobody heard me crack open my Pepsi, and nobody heard me bitch when I spilled half my Southern Comfort on the floor. Why? Because that all happened at home, when I filled my flask in the kitchen. And when the credits rolled and I stumbled into the aisle, suspicious theatre personnel couldn’t find that empty flask folded up as thin as piece of paper.

Yes, these things are awesome-stealthy. Take, for example, the camouflage flask. How many times have you gone drinking hunting and a couple hours into the waiting game, that glint off your classic stainless flask scared your 14-pointer away? There’s nothing worse than that. Except maybe bawling your eyes out like some 5 year old who just had his cheese and relish sandwich stepped on by “Big Billy”. Yeah, I said cheese and relish. Hey! We weren’t rich. Why do you think I took this extra job writing for Useless Advice?

Ahem. Anyway, now you can sit all morning in your bush, rifle in one hand, and camouflage flask in the other with no worries. The flask almost guarantees that buck hanging above your fireplace. Or if, you prefer stalking.... oh wait. My editor has advised me not to go any further.

Relativity, Space Camp (the movie), mathmatics, the computer, the Disposable Flask. My list of the five most brilliant moments in human history.

Genius. Like Wile E. Coyote genius!

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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