QUESTION # 668: YAAAWWWWWNNNNnnn.....

Dear Useless Men,

What do you think about sleep. Is it highly overrated. Personally, I don't feel there can be too much sleep, but then perhaps I just need a nap.

Sincerely,
Sleepy

Dear Sleepy,

I am a chronic insomniac and can honestly say that sleep is like air. You don't really notice it until it begins to run out. Personally I do find sleep to be highly overrated. You're dealing with a man who calls sleeping in getting up at 8:00am.

For the record, I generally get around 5-6 hours a night. I never was a napper but have found that as sleep and I have fallen out of favour that naps and I have become acquainted. Like a bad marriage where you get bored with each other and begin fooling around, naps and sleep don't get along either. Once I nap I find that sleeping is even more difficulty for me. Not that I don't enjoy it. A good nap is invigorating and even though I know I'll pay for it later I find myself craving the nap. The thrill of chasing a good nap is invigorating. I imagine that by the time and an old grey haired chap that sleep and I will be in an occasional relationship at best. Instead I shall collect most of my rest in a series of naps.

The sad irony of this is that by the time I get to that age I'll not have much to fill my time with as opposed to now, when those few hours would be so handy. I suppose it's a good thing that as a Useless Man I am lacking in the ambition and focus departments. This will allow me to fill the abundance of time with things like chasing kids off my lawn and watching bugs fly into the bug zapper lamp. There's always the opportunity to catch up on my navel gazing...

We'll see what time brings.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat

P.S. Give my regards to the other dwarves could you please? What's the deal with Snow White? Looks like hers and housekeeping skills too? I'm surprised you guys let her get away!


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QUESTION # 663: A REST FROM THE PESTS

Dear Useless Men,

It's never too early for proper preparation. And with spring just around the corner, it’s only a short time until mosquito season is here again.

What is your best proven solution to prevent mosquito bites, without compromising an outdoor lifestyle?

Potential Malaria Sufferer

Dear Potential Malaria Sufferer,

Mosquito season will indeed be upon us soon. The easiest way to avoid mosquito bites is to avoid mosquitoes. The easiest way to do this is to take note of situations in which mosquitoes aren't a problem.

You'll notice that the appearance of mosquitoes vanishes when the winter rolls in. It's a little known fact that mosquitoes hate the snow because they are lazy and hate shoveling. By setting up a summer home in an area of the world that is under snow and ice during our summer would be an effective method of mosquito avoidance. This is not a cost effective solution for many.

For those of you who are in a lower snack bracket like me then you'll not be able to afford the chemical systems required to kill them. This also precludes the costly mosquito traps that are widely available on the market today. Plus they are not that portable and require you to stay in their effective range. This makes options like mosquito netting more attractive as they go with you wherever you may roam. These mesh suits are nice but are susceptible to tears which would let the bloodthirsty hordes in for attack. I noticed when camping with the family one summer that the girls were getting mauled by mosquitoes. I think it's because they smell all purdy like. Maybe those lotions and shampoos are like a beacon to them.

To that end I recommend a strict summertime regimen of hygiene-only bathing. Only washing when medically required will minimize the amount of perfumes you have on you. To test this theory I have not bathed since receiving this email and have yet to be bitten by a single mosquito. Plus, I have no trouble finding a seat on the bus either. By simply standing there with my arm raised to hold a handrail I notice that a seat almost always becomes mysteriously available shortly after my arrival on the bus. The possibilities that come with this approach are limitless.

If I can repel the rudest of commuters in this fashion a wee mosquito doesn't stand a chance.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 651: RED NOSE AERIAL DISTRICT

Dear Useless Men,

I know there are many theories on this topic, but I know that you know the truth. Why does Rudolph have a shiny bright red nose?

Truth Seeker

Dear Truth Seeker,

This is one of those stories that has gotten all twisted up after generations of retelling. Rudolph is known to us as the poor belittled creature who has a rather striking birth defect. The story of reindeer intolerance and his overcoming of such bigotry is one that people seem to adore. The reality is far less glamorous.

Turns out, Rudolph was born a normal reindeer, at least physically. His nose was as dull and under illuminated as any other. The real problem comes from the fact that he is a rebellious little critter. All his years growing up, he was warned to sit back farther from the television or he'd hurt his eyes. Not one for compliance, he simply chose to defy his parents and sit even closer. After years of sitting with his nose pressed against the screen, the radiation caused his nose to mutate and the overexposure has, to this very day, packed him so full of radiation that his nose emits this eerie red glow.

In an additional side effect of the overexposure to reindeer reality shows and poorly drawn cartoons with little plot, his mind has turned to mush. As a result he is about as smart as the average sleigh bell. The other reindeer used to laugh and call him names because he was a brat. But now that he is well and truly damaged, they can't laugh as they find it sad.

Unfortunately for Rudolph, the tragedy of this tale doesn't stop there. It is a little known fact that Rudolph is indeed a lousy navigator. It is also a little known fact that Santa is one of those people who likes to put blame on others.

Turns out, Santa uses Rudolph on foggy nights so that he can fail miserably and can blame Rudolph since he was the one guiding the sleigh. The other reindeer, and even some of the elves, feel so bad about this that they pretend to be excited when they see Rudolph being harnessed up for the team and try to treat him well despite what will be for them, a very long night indeed. The increased attention being paid to what was in the air after the outbreak of World War 2 meant that people would take notice of a strange red aerial glow. As a result, Santa's PR elves worked overtime once they realized that after identifying the strange light that the story would begin to leak out about the injustice of the whole situation and, in partnership with Montgomery Ward, managed to cover it all up with the lovely tale and song that we all know today.

Yes, it's all sad, but if it hadn't panned out this way we'd never have Hermie the Dental Elf or Bumble the Yeti, so it's not all bad I suppose.

You'll go down in history indeed.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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ONE MERRY USELESS CHRISTMAS WISH

On behalf of all the Useless Men (and Gals)

Wishing you all the best for the holiday season!
Don't come looking for us when some assembly is required!

Cheers!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man (Not pictured above)
& Any More useless, I'd Be A Cat (Pictured Above)


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QUESTION # 648: PYROTECHNIC YULE LOGS ARE ON BACK ORDER

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR!
USELESS MEN TACKLE THE HOLIDAYS
FOR CHRISTMAS WEEK 2007!
Only 13 more days until our Christmas shopping starts.


Dear Useless Men,

Christmas is coming and I want to make my house look better than all my neighbours houses. I'd like to 'Griswald' my home, if you will. Got any ideas?

Chevy

Dear Chevy,

Loved you in Fletch!

First, I would suggest a brief tour of the locale. Take a look at the competition and borrow from them. I'm not condoning theft, especially that of items you will proudly display outside of your home. This is tour is to pilfer ideas!

Obviously, a large amount of lighting will work in your favour as the eye is attracted to light. It's even more strongly attracted by motion so if you're looking to impress, then get moving lights. Animated reindeer that glow with the intensity of several suns wouldn't do any harm at all in the "hey, look over here!" department.

There are an increasing number of inflatable items as well which can be brightly lit from behind or within. Who wouldn't notice a 12-foot tall Santa that is brighter than Doogie Howser, right? Again, seek quantity here as the more you can cram in the yard, the longer people will have to stand there to take it all in.

People like movies, right? How about screwing a couple of sheets of plywood, painting them white and pointing a projector at them. Nothing says festive like violating copyrights with a public screening of Miracle on 34th Street or How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Big loud speakers go well with this too. Try to get some used ones from a local heavy metal band that doesn't tour any more. They'll have enough kick to ensure that when the squeal of Rudolph's nose lighting up is heard, dogs will soil the carpet and car windows will explode.

People notice noise......OH YEAH!

If you want to grab their attention and lure them in from blocks away then rent one of those great big rotating floodlight trailers they use at arenas and casinos. People tend to drive towards them like moths to a flame, just curious to see what the source of the flailing beams of light may be.

I can also suggest that you seek inspiration from sources other than festive displays. Sure, they are nice, but what other attention getting methods can you employ? Driving up and down the streets while calling out your street address and inviting everyone to come see the show is bound to be a hit. It worked for the Blues Brothers, didn't it? Imagine an arena's worth of people standing around, taking in the Christmas spirit. Why the neighbors would be green with envy that the adoring throng aren't traipsing across their lawns (although they may be already).

People always seem to be drawn to accident scenes too so take a car that's been beaten to shreds and park it in your driveway. Old smash up derby cars are good for this, although a compact car with a transport truck groove across the hood will stop them in their tracks just as well.

Fires attract people too, as do fireworks. Maybe a nightly pyrotechnics show would be in order? The moral of this story is that you are limited only by how good your lawyer is. The better they are, the more outrageous you can go.

Just promise me that if your monstrosity... I mean abode ... makes it onto UglyChristmasLights.com, that you let me know so I can revel in your splendor. Pictures, even if you don't achieve fame and fortune, would be great too.

Enjoy your Christmas and may your days be fire free.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 644: EVERYTHING IS DUCT-Y

Dear Useless Men,

Hi there, Useless bunch!

I have a Useful Man sneaking around my house, opening cans, taking out the garbage, and all things guys are (not) supposed to do. He's doing a fine job.

However, I am unhappy. I do not really need a can opener nor a curb specialist. Actually, I do not *need a guy at all. But I do enjoy good company. As it happens, I have known a totally Useless guy for almost ten years who does none of the above, but he's great company. He has no claims to fame in regard of cutting firewood or chasing wild boar. He's finishing a totally useless PhD and is passionate about indie movies and deep in student debt at 30+. As it (also) happens, so am I.

What kind of advice could you give to a highly useless gal, only moderately functional in society, regarding to the questions as follows i) how to kindly tell the Useful guy to be useful somewhere else where can & curb specialists are useful and ii) taking the big leap of faith of going totally Useless, but with a great bunch of values to go with that and of course, keeping the conversation flowing, which already is the case.

Many thanks in advance,
Not Using™

Dear Not Using™,

May I suggest that you simply slip away in the dead of night. You could distract him with a heap of garbage in the middle of the living room and twenty cases of canned soup in the kitchen. His strange compulsion to deal with both will buy you all the time you need to make your escape. This fellow sounds like trouble. Any attempts you make to explain your departure will be met with futile efforts to work things out.

As for taking the leap into full time uselessness, I'd say you are well on your way. May I suggest that you check out your values however? While it is admirable to hold certain things near and dear to your heart, you will find that values will accidentally breed usefulness. We are not suggesting you become amoral at all, but being truly useless will require a certain loosening of your mindset. Seeing things that others do will encourage you to act and this makes you useful. Not a good start.

We here at Useless HQ tend to prefer to hold value for things like duct tape, which will at first seem like a useful item but upon further examination will be proven useless. It may be put to use in a repair of something broken but any tape repairs are doomed to failure, making them useless repairs.

Another thing we hold of value would include a good burger. Said burger needs to be made by someone else though if you wish to remain utterly useless.

I would suggest you ease yourself into your uselessness. Being a gal, you only think you are useless, and once you started down the path to true uselessness you will be astonished to see how useful you were really being all these years. This will take time to deprogram but there is hope.

I suggest you spend the upcoming weekend at home with a Three Stooges video marathon and a case of beer. This should start you down that slippery slope of true uselessness. People will resist, but anything worth doing is worth doing right. Drop us a line once you are on your way to let us know how you’re making out or for any more tips.

If we don’t hear from you we will assume you have made your way to true uselessness and are unable to function around even basic technology. In which case, I offer my congratulations.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 639: CAN YOU SPARE AN OPENER

Dear Useless Men,

How do you open a can of tuna/ beans/ etc if you can not find your can opener?

Signed,
Woman with a Very Big Rock in her Hand

Dear Woman with a Very Big Rock in her Hand,

First, may I suggest that you drop the rock and back away from the can slowly. Opening cans with rocks may seem like a good idea but it will usually render the contents of the can unusable.

Since you seem bent on destruction, and not consumption, then allow me to suggest some far more ingenious methods of destruction. The simplest, and often most pungent, method would be to stuff the can in question inside of a fire. Some will say that vent holes would be a good idea. I say it robs you of the satisfying bang that comes when you know that the can is opened! It also saves some nasty burns as you fish around a live fire checking to see if it opened yet.

If you are afraid of getting burned then you can move on to more mechanical solutions. You can try to run over the can with your car but you'll find it doesn't weigh enough. A more effective solution would be to place the can in front of the bay door at your local fire station. Once the can is positioned, you can call the department to have them put out the fire you used to open the first can. When the incredibly heavy truck rolls over your can it will pop like a balloon. You also have the satisfaction of knowing that your fire won't take out two or three counties.

While these are all effective methods of overcoming the problem of opening the can, they overlook the obvious question. What if the can contains not vegetable or soup, but something edible like spam, corned beef or chili? Well, a solution that doesn't destroy the contents is a far more appealing solution.

You could use your rock to bludgeon your neighbor and steal their can opener but my mother always said that violence isn't the answer. So, apparently, that's not a great solution. Working with several people can make your problem far easier to solve. Using a person who your neighbor doesn't recognize, you have them drop a summons notice on them. When they head out to court to face up to the bogus charges, you have open access to their house. What if they locked the doors? Remember your rock? Glass is no match for the rock! Remember that game, Rock, paper, glasses? Paper cover rock, glasses burn paper, rock smashes glasses with a punch in the face!

Using said rock to grant yourself access to their kitchen you get to use their can opener to get to the yummy goodness within. The best part is that you can use their dishes and appliances to heat up and enjoy your vittles as well. Plus, you don't have to do dishes either, so this is the best solution of all!

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 636: TWO MINUTES FOR UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT

Dear Useless Men,

My guy thinks he can play hockey. He can't even skate all that well. How can I tell him, without squishing his esteem like a bug, that they aren't really laughing with him?

Signed,
Hard to Watch

Dear Hard to Watch,

To be honest, most guys think they can play hockey. In reality, there is a minimal percentage of even professional hockey players that can actually play hockey. The rest of the guys just skate around and try to look competent.

What works in their favour is the simple fact that most people really don't understand hockey enough to truly understand what makes a good player. If you think it's a simple game that anyone can play, just watch the players in their pre-game skate. You can immediately see proof that not even everyone that is suited up is capable in that they often miss the net that has absolutely no goalie in it. With nobody there to block the shot, every shot should be a winner. Most tend to miss.

What you should be doing, instead of crushing his self-esteem, is to do what most people who back useless players do. Blame their flaws on the shoddy referees.

Anybody who doubts the prevalence of this technique should simply go to any hockey game, especially the minor leagues, and see what kind of invective language is hurled at the referees. You want to talk about thick-skinned?

If these guys in the black and white striped shirts don't go home and cry themselves to sleep at night, they've got more backbone than some Marines! If your guy gets called for hooking, you can scream and yell at the ref to make your guy think more of himself. Instead of doubting his skills, he'll be encouraged. He’ll also begin to transfer the blame for his shoddy games on the referees as well.

Everybody wins in this situation.

Your guy will continue to play the game he enjoys so much, and is absolutely horrible at. You will now have something to fill your time with by yelling and screaming at the ref, with the added bonus of polishing your insults at home to better your performance at the next game.

It can be argued that the referees don't win because of all the abuse they take, but are we really worried? Stupid refs couldn't see proper hooking penalty if it hit them in the face.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Ref....uhhhh....Cat


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QUESTION # 629: IS THAT A HAGGIS IN YOUR EAR?

Dear Useless Men,

Why do we get wax in our ears? What is it for?

Scientist in Training

Dear Scientist in Training,

Let me first commend you on entering into the challenging and demanding world of the scientists. You will be joining a social elite whose primary job function is to research and approve things for our general use, which will eventually be determined to be bad for us and become condemned by your same people years later. Yours is one of the most useless career paths indeed. And I commend you.

With regards to earwax, it is indeed a mysterious substance whose purpose remains a mystery until now. Earwax is simply an accumulation of brain content. When our brains reach capacity they find there is no place to put things. Since our society has embraced the concept of life long learning, we feel the need to continue to cram our over-stuffed brains full of more and more knowledge. Whether it is useful knowledge or not is academic, as the brain is simply a garage for our thoughts, ideas and memories. It cannot determine the difference between the cure for cancer and the entire script to Monty Python And The Holy Grail.

Once over-stuffed, the brain must vent off the excess pressure or face the very real possibility of exploding like an overstuffed haggis. To eliminate the excess pressure it simply begins to select whatever information it deems unnecessary and presses it out the most accessible hole. This typically is through the ears due to the construction of our skulls. The ideas are excreted, but once they have escaped the hermetically sealed catch bin of our mind, they congeal into three types of earwax: the wet and gooey kind, the hard and crunchy kind, and the white flaky kind. These represent thoughts (wet and gooey), ideas (hard and crunchy) and memories (white flaky).

Maybe when you are a world famous scientist you can develop a manner for reconstituting them so that we can make sure they don't get lost forever as I'm sure many a great and useful idea has been lost so that a guy can remember all the latest baseball stats. I've tried eating some to see if it worked out but it tastes terrible and the only memory it seemed to regenerate is that I tried this process before and it tasted just as horrible then too.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 624: WEIRD HAZY PUMPKIN SCHNITZELMORT

Dear One Useless Man,

I have a question that I cannot find an answer to. Last night I smoked a very large hazy-weed-cigar and then proceeded to have 3 bowls of Pumpkin Schnitzelmort. Needless to say I eventually passed out. I woke up this morning and my overused and heavily skidmarked jockstrap is missing. How do I go about hunting this down? I have been looking for half a day now.

Many thanks.
WeirdPsychoFreak

Dear WeirdPsychoFreak,

There can be one and only one answer to your question. First off I would like to remind you that the simultaneous consumption of hazy weed cigars and Pumpkin Shnitzelmort is tantamount to eating pop rocks and washing it down with soda pop. The results are never pretty but almost always entertaining.

I would love to tell you where your jockstrap has gone to, but that would be useful and such behaviors have severe repercussions around our offices. Truth be told, I actually have no idea where it would have gone, or who in their right mind would have taken it. The declaration of "no right mind" excludes most of those wandering the surface of the earth, so there can be only one possible solution: The fabled underpants gnomes.

In their ultimate goal of accumulating wealth, these gnomes hoard freakish amounts of underpants. While the heavily skid-marked kind can get rather ripe, the gnomes solve this problem by simply heaping large amounts of fresh pairs on top of the funky ones.

The creators of South Park once alluded to existence of these mythical creatures in a cautionary tale, but being on Comedy Central, nobody took it seriously. The warnings went unheeded and their actions continue to this very day. The show was lost as to the middle step in their three-part plan, but we at the Useless Offices have done our research and have come to the solution to this long-standing conundrum.

Once these massive underpants piles are established, they can be turned and mixed in as compost to yield an underpants mulch. This mulch is used in all manners of profitable applications like the growing of Hollywood celebutantes and the rendering of your typical television script.

Ultimately, we will all succumb to the mind numbing powers of the gnome mulch and will empty out bank accounts into the hands of the awaiting gnomes. This master plan will be brilliantly executed with the use of subliminal messages from the mulch-enhanced scripts. The world at-large will have their minds commandeered on a future Halloween evening. When our doorbell rings, we will happily open our front door to greet the trick-or-treaters, who will actually be the gnomes. We will stuff their outstretched hands with all our cash, which, thanks to the brainwashing, we will believe to be crummy Halloween candy like rockets or worthless US currency.

Can anybody stop them? Well, FOX is doing a good job of obliterating our mind in a pre-emptive strike with their programming. The only safe place will be in a shack, isolated from the broadcasts and transmissions of the upcoming war. Decorative lining of the shack with tinfoil or lead will ultimately enhance your protection.

Stockpile your foil now before aluminum prices skyrocket!!

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 621: MUSTARD IS THE NEW WHITE

Dear Useless Men,

What is the best way to get a mustard stain off a white shirt? I've tried vinegar and "blotting" but it just ain't happening.

Thanks.
Signed,
Not so Martha


Dear Not So Martha,

There are all manner of products available in the marketplace that will make ludicrous claims as to their ability to remove stains. Mustard is a highly specialized stain that requires a specialized approach. There are scientific elements in mustard that have been planted there by detergent companies to sell more products! Most people will run out and purchase all manner of stain removal products in a futile effort to remove the stain. Mustard stains are usually unbeatable and the detergent manufacturers love this. The conspiracy goes unchallenged because our free market economy thrives on consumption.

There is only one real solution to your problem. The stain is problematic because it draws people's attention to it with it's stark colour! I suggest you harness its innate ability to attract. Instead of changing the stain, why don't you change the garment? Imagine a shirt with the ability to captivate people the way a mustard stain does. By throwing your shirt in the wash with a bottle of mustard you'll have that power at your disposal. Such a shirt will ensure you get speedy service at retailers and government offices alike where, as a patron, you seem to be invisible. They will not be able to ignore your needs any longer as they will be drawn like moths to a flame to your mystical mustard garment.

My friend claims that the real power from my mustard shirt is the overwhelming smell of mustard and the clerks' desire to get me out of smelling range as soon as possible. I have to protest that claim. Why does it even hold its mysterious sway on a crowded subway train where there are far more overpowering smells of BO and the like?

Forget your petty troubles and normal white shirt and join the league of yellow shirted people who are poised to run the world at large! Some have taken its ability to catch attention and harnessed it into a nice career.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 614: SUBWAY TURF WARS

Dear Useless Men,

As I was pulling away from my local video store today, I accidentally backed into a parked car. I panicked and took off without leaving a note but I think the guy that runs the Subway in the same strip mall saw me. I don't think I can risk going back there now. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so addicted to movies and subs...

What should I do?

Signed,
Jared's Evil Twin

Dear Jared’s Evil Twin,

Unless you are looking to enter some kind of twelve-step program for movies and subs, I suggest a different approach. Let's face it, that's a lot of steps and if you eliminate subs and movies you'll never again see Das Boot or Hunt For Red October!

The first thing I would suggest is to make sure your car shows no sign of contact with the other car. If you have a dent in yours from hitting the car, check for paint chips in it. Paint transfer occurs when your car picks up some of the other car's paint from rubbing against it.

To eliminate this evidence you might consider putting your car in for bodywork but that takes time. The easier answer is to hit the same spot on your car with another car of a different colour. This will serve to hide the paint from the first car underneath the transfer from the second car. You can repeat this process until there are so any different colours of paint that nobody could tell what you hit. This is also ultimately cheaper than the cost of the repair work on your car.

If you're that addicted to subs all you have to do is tell the guy that runs the Subway that if he tells anyone that you'll stop eating there. If you are indeed Jared's evil twin, you likely eat well enough that his car payment is dependant on your continued patronage. Hey! If you promise to bring a friend from then on, he may even give you a false alibi so that nobody can pin the crash on you!

Under no circumstance should you approach the vehicle owner and try to smooth things over. He was likely sent by the competition to place their car in your way so that you would hit it. The ensuing embarrassment would prevent you from continuing to visit that particular location. You are likely caught in the middle of a Subway turf war. These can get messy so whatever you do, make sure you keep your eyes open. Once the Quiznos cars start popping into the equation, things are bound to get really nasty.

You can rent a movie pretty much anywhere, so I wouldn't worry too much about those guys.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 607: WHO WANTS PRIZES?

Dear Useless Men,

I love contests. I would like to enter them all. However I have so little time to fill out all the forms with my personal information. Do you have any advice that will help me win the prizes of my dreams? Here's a quick list of what I would like:

a cruise to the Islands, a car, money, a big house designed by Sarah Richardson, an MP3 player, a gardening tool set and of course, some breakfast cereal.

So, nothing much.

Help me out and I'll give you a cut,
Fast Eddie

Dear Fast Eddie,

First, let me thank you, Fast Eddie, for your delightful fast food. Not only do I love the affordable eats, but my future coronary bypass surgeon thanks you too! Now, on to business …

So, you want to win prizes do you? Well, you've come to the right place! Myself, along with a few of the other useless men, are KINGS at entering all manner of draws.

We annually invade the Canadian International Auto Show with an aim to get some of the fantastic prizes ourselves. We often leave with excessive amounts of freebies, from stickers to shirts and hats. How can we manage these fantastic deals?? Volume!

No, we don't shout and scream until we get what we want! We simply pour it on thick when we get to the booths. The people are often impressed enough by us to hand over the goodies.

Sure, my wife claims that they do this to just get rid of us, but she never gets free t-shirts! So, I say she can't be trusted.

While these little prizes excite us, we strive to hone our skills. I plan to badger the people in the Toyota pavilion next year until they give me a free car. I'll let you know how this goes as it may be the gateway to all manner of future acquisitions.

Having put some time in working a booth at a home show, I can tell you that our draw for in-home cleaning, while done by “random ballot”, was as random as the income tax return you fill out each year (unless you don't fill one out at all and then you may already be the winner of affordable housing for a period of 1-year (or less with good behaviour)). The prizes went to the really cute women we saw entering ballots because then we got to go to their homes and see them again!

Sure, it sounds like creepy behaviour, but it beats getting to the house of some 93-year-old chatty lady and being regaled with tales of her 40 cats or something. THAT’S some creepy there!

So if the volume method isn't working out so well for you, then you should try to hire an extremely attractive girl to go enter draws in your name. The delivery guys may be quite surprised when they get to your place, but by then you've got your prize, so it's too late! The best part about this method is that if you manage to get all that free stuff you are talking about, you may even be able to attract the girl without having to pay, as she will want your stuff too!

Don't forget to invite us to the wedding when your day comes.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 600: NEW FOUND LAND

Dear Useless Men,

I would love to visit Newfoundland. For some reason, it fascinates me. I listen to CBC podcasts of local news out of NF and I have read a couple of books set in Newfoundland. I was surprised to learn that it has "reputation" in Canada. Apparently Newfoundland is the province that embarrasses fancy pants places like Toronto and Vancouver.

Anyway, do you think I could have a fun vacation in Newfoundland?

Thanks!
Newfie Lover


Dear Useless Ones,

I am looking forward to your answer on Newfoundland. My dad's family is from North Dakota and we used to go to Winnipeg all of the time. I have also been to Toronto and Windsor, Ontario many times.

But, for some reason even though I have never been there. I have a crush on Newfoundland! I hear the time zone there is 15 minutes off from any other time zone (?) Gotta love a place that is out of step with the rest of the world (given that most of the world is a mess.)

Newfie Lover

Dear Newfie Lover,

Let's get to the time zone thing. It is a well-known fact that the Newfoundland time zone (NST) is out of sync with most time zones being an extra half-hour off from the rest of the Maritimes. There are all manner of scientific theories to why this happened but the truth is far simpler than they would have you believe.

Way back when the island was being settled there was a small contingent of settlers who liked the hilly and rocky terrain. Most people were looking for the fastest way off of the windswept rock.

The soon to be "Newfies" decided to let the whiners (later called Mainlanders) take off. Then the Newfies realized they didn't know how to set their watches. Little did they realize, a power outage the night before had reset all their clocks to 12:00AM at 11:30PM, putting them permanently out of sync with the rest of their future Nation.

This laid back attitude is what built the province its reputation on how to take it easy and not to sweat the small stuff. The rest of Canada is embarrassed easily especially by their eastern counterparts.

In the old days, the bulk of Newfoundland smelled of fish and rum. Truth be told, the fishing has largely dried up across the area. These days, it's oil they'll be smelling. That makes the rest of the country afraid of our Newfies becoming like those hillbilly people you see that win the lottery and show up at the country clubs in ragged jeans and KISS Farewell Tour concert tees. It won't be long before their oil soaked dollars will be used to buy gold plated hunting rifles and add lift kits to their snowmobiles.

That being said, I think you could have a grand time in Newfoundland. At the very least you have to make sure you go down to George Street and tell them you're from out of town. Your strange manner of speech and dress will pretty much be a tip off, but they'll offer to get you screeched in. It's a fantastic process that involves drinking liquor and a bit of mouth-to-backside with a feathery beast. Great fun for the tourists indeed! You even get a pretty document.

Make sure you travel the province and take in the landscape. A nice walking tour or even a driving tour will ensure you get to such don't miss places as Billy Butts Pond, Come By Chance, Dildo, Joe Batt's Arm and Witless Bay (a personal favourite of mine (I feel I belong)). There are old buildings, waves, rocks and wind galore.

There's good times to be had! Enjoy yerself and be sure not t' ballyrag the locals now. If ye gets lost just be sure to drop me a line.

Just remember to stay where you be and I'll come where ya to.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 594: ROOMBA BOOMBA

Dear Useless Men,

I have an irrational fear of robots; especially roombas. I know these little terrors are meant to clean, but I swear they try to chase me. I just don't like things that can move and thing for themselves without a brain. Are the roombas really out to get me?

Scared of Robots (Couldn't come up with a clever signature. Too scared.)

Dear Scared of Robots (I couldn't come up with a clever signature either),

The roombas are programmed to wander around aimlessly until they discover some dirt, which they then proceed to suck up.

What really makes me nervous is that they manage to not fall down the stairs or get stuck in a corner.

While they harbor you no ill will, I would suggest maybe bathing more often. Possibly shaking out the dust from your clothes would prevent the roomba assaults you are encountering.

Another approach would be to carry with you a bag of topsoil wherever you go. When the roombas come to get you, it’s a simple matter of bait and run. Throw the dirt down to throw it off the scent. If you encounter a really tough roomba, you may want to consider a packet of manure. I don't think that the type matters, and both the dirt and the manure can be purchased at any garden center in your area.

Just make sure you ask them which manure is the nastiest, and which dirt is the dirtiest.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 592: IS IT STILL CALLED SHRINKAGE

Dear Useless Men,

I have been wondering about this for sometime:

If a guy gets to be so fat that he cannot see his penis, does it eventually fall off? Ashes to ashes dust to dust if you don't take it out it and use it, it might just rust.

Ashy, Rusty and Dusty

Dear Ashy Rusty and Dusty

I can't assure you that if he gets that fat that his penis won't simply vanish. Actually, he should begin to worry what it is getting up to without his supervision!

As anyone who has spent time with kids can tell you, there is no time to be more nervous than when you don't hear or see them. This is how things get broken, walls get drawn on and all other manner of mischief takes place.

He may actually want to get someone to verify that it is still in place and behaving itself. If he's too embarrassed to show of his tackle, then maybe he should consider getting some shoes with mirrors on them. Then he can keep an eye on it all the time. Just be careful where he goes in those shoes because apparently they are frowned upon in most public places, especially in summer months. I think it's because of the glare from the bright summer sun or something.

It is advisable that he take some sort of action because if he simply chooses to ignore the possible problem he is facing, then he may find out too late that his penis has indeed been out and about without him. This is where the myth of “Use it or lose it” comes from. If left long enough, it will simply go out and find its own entertainment. The next thing you know he'll be sitting down watching reruns on the television and will be summoned to a knock at the door.

If he's lucky it will be the police returning his penis, which had been apprehended before causing any real trouble. Worst-case scenario, the knock may be a summons to a paternity suit.

Act now before it is too late.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I’d Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 587: SOCIAL TESTING - SPAM WEEK

Dear Useless Men,

Hi,

Mister Wong, Europe's largest Social Bookmarking portal, is now available in English!

My name is Jodi, from Mister Wong, and I am preparing the launch of the portal for the English speaking community. Your blog Useless Advice From Useless Men caught our eye while researching. We would, therefore, like to warmly invite you to try out Mister Wong as a Beta tester.

In exchange for importing your bookmarks and feedback, you will receive a Mister Wong T-shirt and a pin set. In addition, we are also giving away an iPod Nano to one of our lucky testers.

What makes Mister Wong standout from other Social Bookmarking sites is that every language has its own portal and database. The German version alone attracts more than 2 million unique visitors a month. We´ve already successfully launched localized portals in Russian, Chinese, French and Spanish. Mister Wong also offers a bunch of interesting and useful features which distinguish us from del.icio.us, such as the ability to create public and private groups.

You can participate as a beta tester by visiting the following page:

http://www.mister-wong.com
Password: xxxxxx

Once inside you just have to set up an account.

I am very much looking forward to your feedback! Feel free to contact me should you have any questions.

Have fun!

Sincerely,
Jodi

Dear Jodi

First off, I would like to thank you for inviting me to this closed networking thing you've got going on but am worried that, if it closed, I shall have nobody to network with. Plus the fact that my network is getting a bit dodgy as well. Often when I am working on the internet the connection just drops out and I have to reboot my router and modem. Any advice you can give on this issue would be welcome as our own tech support is, ...well, ..useless!

I would like to commend Mister Wong on trying to bring back the beta. If he is looking for additional beta testers, I would love to get a video machine sent to the Useless Offices. We took so long in upgrading our VCR that we still have good old beta movies laying around that we'd love to watch again.

Since Mister Wong obviously is an afficianado of vintage technologies, I would also ask that he consider bringing back the 8-track as well! My old car had an 8-track tape deck in it but it was damaged in a terrible incident involving a horse and a bottle of root beer. I think the music frightened it, but who would have thought horses didn't like Barry Manilow?

Anyhow, thanks again for the invite and I look forward to seeing the new Mister Wong Beta unit on the shelves soon. It should be entertaining to see how I dock my IPod Nano with it.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 579: DUCT TAPE GAS ESCAPE

Dear Useless Men,

My husband fell asleep watching baseball. I went to the garage and found his new roll of duct tape. I taped his butt cheeks together to stop him from farting. I'm not sure this will really work however. Do you have any other good options I could try?

Signed,
Married to the Asspit.

Dear Married to the Asspit,

I would be stunned to find this works at all. In fact, what you have done is a dangerous thing. By sealing your husband's orifice with a tape designed for sealing air passages, you have officially created a huge problem. If this tape is left in place for too long, things will get messy indeed. Without the ability to vent off the excess gases, the pressure will continue to build and build. If left too long you will get into a dangerous situation where you have a massive amount of high pressure gas stored in a non-pressure approved container.

If you are really lucky, the tape will fail and there will be a colossal noise followed by an absolutely unholy stench for a little while. This, sadly, is the best case scenario.

The reality can be a lot more horrific. If the pressure grows too much for his body to contain, you will be faced with a situation very much like a popping balloon. The difference being that when a balloon pops, it doesn't emit noxious gas or spray shredded meat all over your walls and carpet. If you've got him sealed up, you may want to consider making him sleep outside to avoid this kind of mess.

Another horrific possibility is that your husband, having been filled with explosive gas, will eventually meet up with an ignition source. The result of this will be the biggest blue angel you have ever seen in your life, not to mention a detonation similar to a fuel air bomb in which everything within a certain radius will be incinerated. The smell will be bad enough, but if you have any pets in the vicinity it will be even worse. Have you ever smelled burning hare?

My recommendation is that you remove that tape before things get too dangerous. Then go fill your sinuses with silly putty. Not only will it block the stench that you are trying to avoid but, if you ever get a cold, it will serve double duty by keeping the mess to a minimum. Should you sneeze, you'll find two rubber boogers ricocheting about the room in an entertaining way that your typical sneeze just doesn't do.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 577: ROAD KILL CLEAN-UP

Dear Useless Men,

I think I ran over my ex husband. I know I didn't just run into him, the way you run into someone on the street and have a little chat and all of that. I heard a kind of double thump under the car. Then I noticed he wasn't still standing at the side of my car yelling and screaming any more. It doesn't look good. I think the neighbours will be annoyed if they have to clean up that mess from the street. Or will the police take care of that. So that is my question... who cleans up the road kill? Actually, who cleans up all the animal roadkill and is that the same bunch who clean up the... accidental... human road kill?

Signed,
Road Trip Lover

Dear Road Trip Lover,

First, kudos to you for taking the initiative to solve a problem in your own way. We don't see a lot of that around here. We see a lot of people ignoring that strange sandwich in the staff fridge. At least until the Intern started. Then I took the initiative to switch his lunch pail with mine.

Our situations are not that different. Of course, the solution of one problem leads to the creation of others and that is where you are now. How to clean up the mess remaining is a tricky question to answer without more information. I'll give you a few possibilities.

First, let's assume this happened and so far you are the only one to have realized this has happened. This means that there will be no police coming to clean up the mess unless you call them. Unless they deem it to be an emergency, then you can be sure they will take quite some time to get there.

This will leave the mess around long enough for the neighbours to begin to get frustrated with the mess. This will lead to an erosion of the friendship you may have constructed with them over the years. I have a neighbour who played the bagpipes all night long. We don't speak any more. That may have more to do with the bagpipe shards in his throat that render him incapable of speech, but I think it's more because the neighbours were so annoyed with the racket that they just don't talk to him any more.

The second possibility is that the neighbours have seen it already and the police are en route. If this is the case then I suggest you quit playing a round with the computer and get out there with a shovel and a hose. The less evidence...I mean mess... that you leave, the less likely that you will have to explain what happened. Instead, you can make your nosy neighbours look like fools for calling in a false accident. This will not only reduce the odds they phone the police the next time, but it will also allow you to get away from the possibility of the police misinterpreting the whole mess and you ending up in front of a judge. Those guys can be so lousy at understanding explanations.

The last possibility is that you have a weak stomach and don't wish to deal with the mess yourself. In this situation I suggest you get outside as soon as possible and tape a pair of antlers to his head. As soon as that is done, then you call the number in your city for the group responsible for cleaning up these sort of messes. As for who cleans that up, I can't say for sure as the city dispatches them under the guise of animal control. How a flattened animal could be in need of, or respond to, any manner of control is a mystery to me. I would imagine that these are indeed the same people responsible for other messes as well. There can't be that many people specialized in this kind of work, right? They are probably a specially trained legion of short order cooks. After all, they are also good at scraping questionable meat from flat surfaces too right?

We’ll need a few to scrap off the porcelain here, too…

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 570: MINTY FRESH MINDS

Dear Useless Men,

My kids use a lot of toothpaste. A lot. In fact we had half a tube at the beginning of the week and now we are down to none. Interestingly, they do not like to brush their teeth. What is going on?

Signed,
Weary, Pasty, Shopping Mom

Dear Weary, Pasty, Shopping Mom

Sounds like you've got a terminal case of artists in your house. While I applaud their creativity, I also am wondering about your tyrannical reign of cleanliness. Toothpaste is known to be a method of removing crayon from walls and your children sound like they are simply cleaning their artwork off the walls before you can see it.

While this seems to be a thoughtful action on their part, I worry. Not many children would think to clean crayon off of walls let alone discover such an odd method of doing so. This tells me that, in their fear of the repercussions of their creative bender, they researched methods of cleaning up before you got home. I worry for their mental well being, as children are not supposed to clean, as it is bad for them. That's why they choose not to in most normal situations. What damage must have been done to them in the past to make them undergo such aberrant behaviour?

If you are certain it isn't your doing, then I would strongly recommend getting to the root of their compulsion to clean. If they are only cleaning the walls, then it may not be too late to save them. If you find they are vacuuming and doing dishes already, then it is probably too late for them and they are doomed to a life of uncreative doldrums.

Finding the cause of their compulsion will mean getting them to delve into their past. Kids are not good at remembering the past, which is why when you ask them such questions as "How did the dog get into the washing machine?" you are generally given the answer, "I don't know." This will mean that you should look into regression through hypnosis.

There are many reputable therapeutic hypnotists out there and can be researched with your local phone book. If they are a little out of your price range, then you can go to a bar when they have a comedy hypnotist in house. After the show, offer the entertainer about half of what the "professionals" quoted and he'll do whatever you need. This would also be a good time to implant other suggestions while he is in their minds. A personal favourite of mine is to get them to scream uncontrollably whenever presented with a stuffed toy. This is limitless entertainment, as people always seem to bring stuffed toys as gifts for kids so that their rooms are overrun with the little critters.

My only suggestion is that you leave the room when the hypnotist is doing his thing. While you want your kids to explore their past to determine what psychological trauma has taken place, you don't need them exploring your past. Imagine your bargaining power when they already know you are telling them not to do things you've done. What a mess indeed!

And unless you wish to spend the rest of your days clucking like a chicken, make sure you pay the guy in cash.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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