QUESTION # 670: PUNK-TUATIONS

Dear Useless Men,

Mkay.

Here's the deal....

I met a man I really like, but he is ummmm.... otherwise spoken for.
Not in the literal sense, but I get the feeling that his need to wrap up his past will take longer than what I have the time or patience for.

How should I approach such a useless situation?

ps
May be that I am hoping for an extra little something under my tree rather than an actual 'relationship'.

:D

Dear :D,

I’ve never met someone with punctuation in their name. That is so cool.

Punctuation is so powerful, and alluring. It’s like that old test where you put a sentence up and see how people punctuate it. The most common one is “Woman without her man is nothing.” People punctuate it differently and get different meanings. Like, “Woman, without her, man is nothing” and “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” I wrote, “Woman, without her man, is Wo.” I failed.

Professor said I left nothing out of the assignment. I countered that nothing changed. He agreed that nothing changed, and that nothing was wrong. I said, “Exactly.” So why did I fail? Teacher said I left nothing out. I agreed that nothing was left out. And the confusion continued with Professor Costello.

So when you say this man of yours is otherwise spoken for, I assume you mean he is in another set of figurative “quotation marks.” My English professor would likely suggest you approach the situation with a full range of punctuation.

Some women think they need to make a statement, but then miss the period. That’s an opening for trouble, and interpretation. Did you leave him thinking it was a question mark? You could be too aggressive and leave an emphatic exclamation point! Or the ambiguous ellipse that leaves the reader wondering what more you meant…

The best way to solve your dilemma is through word association. Ask your man this question, “If you were a form of punctuation, what punctuation would you be?” It’s a great way to see how his mind works, and what he really thinks of himself. Compare your answer with his, and see if you would be compatible. As a base, my English Prof asked me the same question. I said I was a colon. But that was because I eat a lot of bran.

Sincerely,
::: One Useless Man :::


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QUESTION # 664: OFF TO THE RACES

Dear Useless Men,

Why is road construction equipment always painted that sickly yellow color? Wouldn't road work get done faster if the heavy equipment they use were painted with color schemes like NASCAR uses?

Speedway Frank

Dear Frank,

Let’s be frank, Frank. You have a great idea here. And we are going to steal it claim it as our own.

Who knows if they will get the work done faster. That’s a union issue (solidarity!). BUT the sponsorships can be a great way to add infrastructure to the budgets! Can you imagine the ad campaigns? “This union-made highway is longer and harder thanks to our sponsors at Viagra!” Instead of white lines, little blue dots would separate lanes.

In fact, we could make the whole driving experience more race-like with the addition of banked corners. There could be yellow caution flags out around the construction sites, and the state patrol could stand on the side of the highway with a radar gun and a red flag for speeders. Black flags would also be available for drunks and people on cell phones.

And every turn will only be to the left.

Then we can add pit stops every 80 miles and you can get gas top ups and free tires! Of course, without the sponsorships, we’d have to raise taxes and you could expect to pay about 2.5 million dollars per car, per household. BUT you’d also get insight into the latest Toyota racing technology. We figure the big guys won’t go for it, but Toyota just wants to be everyone’s friend like that left-handed redhead in 3rd grade. (HI TREVOR!)

Not sure what the next step should be? Do I start making calls, or do I run for city council? With all the red tape of bureaucracy I expect I’m just going to keep running into walls.

And that’s NEVER good in racing.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 652: BE KIND REWIND

Dear Useless Men,

I've sent in questions in the past. Really good ones. Do you really read all my questions? Do you think they just aren't important or impressive enough? What's the deal? eh?

Blog Diva

Dear Blog Diva,

Here’s the deal. We really really read all the questions. We read every piece of mail By we, I mean ME. I read all the mail. I sort it. I distribute it. I reply to it. I delete it.

ME ME ME ME ME

When “we” started this blog, I thought I’d be this world famous writer showing the world that the common sense revolution could work! The Dr. Phil’s of this world can be rendered Useless if people would just listen.

Instead, I have to read every piece of mail, and then sort it before distributing it. After that, I may reply to it before deleting it.

What I really want to do is watch movie trailers. Like Be Kind Rewind. How cool would it be to own your own video store? And make your own movies? TOO COOL!

What I think I will do is make a Be Kind Rewind type movie about Be Kind Rewind! See how that works? I would make a movie re-enacting a movie about making movie re-enactments. Or, at least that ‘s what I think it’s about… Movie is not out until Feb 22. I guess I’ll have to be satisfied with watching the trailer over and over and over again.

The best part? The trailer is digital so it doesn’t need to be rewound! How ironic, don’t ya’ think?

Your questions, I’m sure, are impressive and important. But not as important as my burgeoning movie career.

When I get myself an agent, I’ll let you know what the deal is!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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ONE MERRY USELESS CHRISTMAS WISH

On behalf of all the Useless Men (and Gals)

Wishing you all the best for the holiday season!
Don't come looking for us when some assembly is required!

Cheers!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man (Not pictured above)
& Any More useless, I'd Be A Cat (Pictured Above)


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QUESTION # 647: IS THERE REALLY A SANTA CLAUS?

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR!
USELESS MEN TACKLE THE HOLIDAYS
FOR CHRISTMAS WEEK 2007!
Only 19 more days until our Christmas shopping starts.

Dear Useless Men,

My 8 year old son was asking me some tough questions about Santa the other day. Should I break the news to him, or let him learn the truth from his school friends?

Rudy

Dear Rudy,

This question is way too ambiguous. How can we help when you haven’t really defined the problem? Allow me to explain for our readers what I mean, so that we can avoid the necessity to truncate what could have been a perfectly good question.

1) What are these tough questions about Santa? Why is Santa fat? That’s a tough question. Is Santa gay? That’s another toughie. Is it spelled Clause or Clause? Or Klause? Or Klaus?

Is Santa really a stand-up comedian? He looks like that one from Tool Time. That’s a more curious question than tough one.

Is Santa a Canadian? Do you see? Without any direction as to your 8-year-old’s Santa dilemma, you’ve left us up the sleigh path without a reindeer.

2) What do you mean by “break the news to him”? What news? When did Santa become a CNN item?

Is it time to tell him that the Santa he’s come to know and question was really just an advertising image for Coca-Cola?

Are you suggesting that you tell the kid that the jolly elf isn’t real? By real, do you mean the idea of Santa, or the real origin of Santa N. Claus? You may as well be arguing the evolution versus creation debate on that.

3) What is the truth you are trying to hide? That Christmas is really a religious holiday, celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ by presenting gifts to one another just as the wise men did upon meeting the king of all kings in a manger? I can see your fear of these “friends”! They may actually encourage your kid to despise commercialism, and to spread peace on Earth instead of plastic for Visa.

And that’s just the tip of the present pile! Consider the other details you left out that may have influenced the answer outcomes: When was ‘the other day’? Do kids learn anything at school? Should your kid get new friends?

Rudy, your question makes my head hurt…

Because you couldn’t ask a simple question without confusing the whole situation, I declare that you, Rudy, are a Useless Man.

And because of that, I’m sure you’ll figure this one out all on your own.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 632: LEST WE FORGET

Dear Useless Men,

Hi, Real happy and surprised to find a site for guys like me. I didn't really relize I was so useless. Ex got rid of me after 16years, even tryed to kill me. The law did nothing. Now, thats pretty useless in my eyes. I was a US Marine for 8 years. I thought I had some sort of purpose. WRONG!

Now my girlfriend of about 7 years, can not stand to be around me.

If I walk into a room, within 10 to 20 mins. Room is empty...except for me. I have just accepted, today, that no one can stand to be around me for any time at all. You know what? It hurts to.

With Respect

Dear With Respect,

While we strive to have fun at Useless Advice From Useless Men, there are a few things that we take very seriously. The obvious ones are electronics, sports and breaking wind. But a less obvious one is the freedom we have to be useless, the freedom to spout off in ridiculous fashion, mocking the accepted practices, and throwing wrenches in perfectly working cogs.

Today is November 12th. Yesterday was Remembrance Day.

Not all men are useless. We know that, and you know that. Only the half a dozen regular writers here are Useless Men, and that's just to give Useless Advice. Over the years, there have been many non-Useless Men (and women) that have taken up arms in an effort to defend and protect us. You, dear writer, are one of those men.

Your situation does sound rather useless. Useless police. Useless relationship. Useless, all around.

But there is one thing that I won’t take sitting down: that’s the sacrifice of those many hundreds, nay thousands, that have stepped up to do the things that I wouldn’t have the ‘nads to do. Those many soldiers past and present, that have represented the country that I live in through peace or while under threat of attack.

With Respect, you are one of those men. So it is, with heavy heart this day after Remembrance Day that I post your question, and my uselessly un-funny answer to say thank you to you and your fellow country-men, your fellow soldiers, commanders, Marines or otherwise, that sacrificed for me and our Useless readers. Regardless of our stance on war, we recognize the toll that is paid by those that choose to be all that they can be. (I know, that’s ARMY not Marines, but you get the idea!)

Today, instead of accepting that no one can stand to be around you, understand that you have stood in a place that many others would never stand. And you came back to tell about it.

What lies ahead? Who knows. We’re useless! But it hurts us to see a veteran, young OR old, be ignored.

You won’t find that here. The Useless Men salute you. Even if doing so, makes us look more like Benny Hill than soldiers.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 631: HEADS OR TAILS

Dear Useless Men,

I was watching a football game with my husband on Monday night. The game went into overtime, which I didn’t think could happen in football. But to my surprise, the two teams gathered at the center and they flipped a coin. Then the Green and Yellow team took the ball and threw a touchdown pass to win the game. In my mind, winning the coin toss decided the game.

Why play the game at all? Why don’t they just flip a coin and be done with it?

Heads or tails

Dear Heads or Tails,

I SAW that game! A friend and I were in my basement, a classic man cave place for game watching, with the chips and salsa and the pops spread about. The family had long since gone to bed. When all of a sudden, BOOM, what seemed like an 80 yard pass goes straight up in the air and is pulled in and run for the TD. We jumped up out of the couch, sending chip crumbs everywhere, chanting manly things like “WHOA!!” and “YEEEaaaaaHHH!” Monosyllabic words of praise are the best form of support to your professional televised sports teams.

Brett Favre may be aging, but he can still throw a bullet from the pocket. In the old days, before football, there were still coins. And coin flipping was the sport of the day. It was a touch more civilized than gladiators, but just as gruesome. In my research, I found one computer simulation of this phenomenon as part of the promotions for No Country For Old Men. Not sure what the movie is about. I hope it is the demise of country music. I do know that it involves the Coen brothers, to whom I am thankful. If it wasn’t for their movie Fargo, I wouldn’t have even questioned why my buddy Shady Norm was asking me to rent him a wood chipper under my credit card number. But I digress.

Try playing the Coin Toss game on the site. Upload your own picture, flip a coin and cross your fingers. You can see how well I fared. MY ride was over before I could wipe the smile off my face! But you could fare much better.

OR you could simple upload pictures of people you don’t like and flip a coin on their behalf. Are you sick of the whole Britney, Paris, Lindsay debacles? Perhaps you could flip a coin with their picture? In fact, I challenge you, our Useless reader, to send me the downloadable pictures from this game. I will share the most creative ones in this post!

Then I’ll collect them, and use them for a collage on the thank you card I need to send to the Coen’s.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 626: BRINGING OUR SEXY BACK

Dear Useless Men,

What ever happened to the Occasional Useless Gal? Is she now Useful full-time?

A Useless Reader

Dear Useless Reader,

If you have been paying close attention, you may have noticed that the Occasional Useless Gal has been missing. In a pinch, An Oddly Useful Grrl stepped in. Now, I introduce to you, our leading lady, the one to bring our sexy back (I don't know what that means....). I introduce to you, One Useless Chick. Watch for her first answer to Question # 627.

For more background on her, or any of our Useless Men and Gals, check out our profile page linked on the sidebar!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 623: LOST IN THE FOLD

Dear Useless Men,

I'm having a real problem with my laundry. It's not that I can't wash and dry it, but that I never seem to get around to folding it once it's done. My dresser is empty, there are laundry baskets all over the place, and I'm practically living out of my dryer! Are there any tips or tricks you guys have for motivating yourself to fold laundry? Or maybe even a way to have it magically fold itself?

Yours Truly,
Permanently Wrinkled

Dear Permanently Wrinkled,

There are worse things than living out of a dryer. Like living out of a dryer box. Count your blessings! Dryers have central heating. Dryer boxes? Not so much.

My Mom was not about to raise no Useless Men. How ironic that my brother and I are both Useless now. She thought that if she were to act as the most useless in our house, then her children would become more useful.

For example, it only took a few shrunken shirts and plaid turned pink that spurred me to figure out how to do my own laundry. In my Mom’s mind, as long as she cooked poorly, ruined our laundry, and left her room as a pigsty, we, her children, would rebel with clean rooms, clean laundry, and useful recipes.

Little did she know that my brother and I would turn out to be such mama-boys. One Useless Brother makes pasta covered in Thousand Island salad dressing when no tomatoes are around. And I, like you, consider my room clean enough if all the clothes make it off the floor into a basket.

Instead of worrying about magic folding, consider doing what I did. Build a wall unit full of laundry basket sized drawers so you can just insert the baskets without having to unpack anything!

But if you HAVE to fold something, it’s not that hard. Just check out this video example to see how simple it really is. If you can’t do this, then you may be more Useless than our Mom.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 620: A GOLDEN VACATION

Dear Useless Men,

I would like to go on a vacation but I can't decide which style is better. Should I go on a cruise? An organised tour? Should I backpack or have a "volunteering vacation" to cancel out my guilt? Should I stay at an all inclusive resort or just shut all my curtains at home and "pretend" I am going away? Help me please all this vacation planning is stressing me out.

Signed,
Vacillating Vacationer

Dear Vacillating Vacationer,

That is one heck of a conundrum you're in. Well, it depends on how you look it. I'm guessing you see plenty of options, all with varying degrees of merit and you can't decide what to do. What I see is only one option. I see only one vacation.

You're probably thinking, "...Weeeeelllllll? ...Which one...?!?!?"

It's that kind of thinking that's going to keep you at home watching the first couple seasons of Golden Girls on DVD. I might add, (actually, I think I will add) Golden Girls was a smart show with sharp writing and heartwarming stories in a sitcom format geared to an older generation, but with enough guts to bridge the gap between parents and their children. Golden Girls was an all around decent program for the whole family, now preserved for generations on DVD.

One Vacation. When I read your question, I saw a dream holiday. I see no other choice, but all of the above. What you need to do is "organize" a "backpacking" "tour" to any of the popular "Cruise Lines", camping in parks or bus shelters along the way. Once you, and any friends or Sherpa's that have accompanied you, arrive at the docks, you then "volunteer" for a job on said "cruise line".

They will work you like a dog and pay you a pittance, but the room and board are included! That means "All inclusive" and you won't feel "guilty" because of the work you're doing. Upon returning, you can then backpack your way home, maybe taking an alternate route so you don’t camp in the same city scenery as on the way in. When you get home, you can shut the "curtains" and "pretend" you are all "stressed" out "planning" your "vacation".

The extra bonus is that whatever little money you made on "vacation" you can then use to purchase as many seasons of the delightful Golden Girls TV show on DVD. Oh, that Betty White is deliciously naive!

Enjoy your holidays! You'll be heading back to work before you know it, so try and relax.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 619: LIGHTS, CAMERA, CONTROL

Dear Useless Men,

Useless men? Ian Curtis was perhaps useless.

You are the right age and just might remember a band called Joy Division

Ian Curtis the singer died in 1980 - suicide

Now there is a movie called Control that's directed by the bands photographer Anton Corbjn on a book by Deborah Curtis

The movie chronicles the rise of Joy Division in the Manchester scene of 1977 and the decline of the singer (a useless man?) Ian Curtis?

I need help social marketing this movie and sending people to this link

So I would like you to write a blog post about the movie - what do you remember about joy division?

I have attached some photos you can use.

anyway I will reward your post by having my staff of eight bookmark your post on three sites and link to your blog post in the following type of discussion forums

So hopefully your blog (and our link) will receive a mass boost of traffic

if interested please respond asap

RobC

Dear RobC,

Thanks for thinking of us. This is so out of our league. Firstly, we answer questions. This is more of a request. And we want to help. Mostly because we’re hoping to score some free Control swag!

Imagine the cool swag you could produce for a movie called Control! Like Control Top boxers – boxers that have the movie title all around the waistband with movie stills on the cotton comfy bits. And they would make my kegger belly look a little more six-pack, if you know what I mean.

Maybe we can just create our own swag. You did say that we could these pictures that you attached.

But, to the point, what you really want to know is what I remember about Joy Division? I wish I could say I remember a lot about them. But you know how sometimes you hear a song, and you can’t name it, and you jumble up the lyrics, and you know it’s by that band from Manchester, but you don’t remember anything else about them? That’s me with music from 1977. Mostly because I was five at the time.

And at five years old, I was less concerned about music, and more concerned about football. I was particularly confused with European football, that looked more like soccer than football to me. And in 1977, the big talk coming out of Manchester was the sensational firing of head coach Tommy Docherty from Manchester United amid speculation that he was having an affair with the clubs physiotherapist. When I asked, my Dad told me that an affair was “like when you get a massage.” I guess it involved stretching and exercise.

I’ve since learned that an affair may bring joy, but also division.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

PS – Any chance of getting a signed movie poster or something? I'm a collector of movie posters! Seriously!


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QUESTION # 612: CORRECTIVITUDAL MEASURES

Dear Useless Men,

In his response to New Found Land in question # 600, Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat closes with very bad grammar. Which, in itself, is not a bad thing when you are a Useless Man. However, when you are specifically referring to, and more importantly, speaking NEWFOUN-ESE, the expression regarding location is “where ya TO”. And yes Newfoun-ese is a language as well as a culture, in much the same way Japan-ese and Chin-ese are both languages and cultures. I only know this by virtue of my good fortune to live in Calgary, which has the world’s 2nd largest population of Newfoun-ese people, on a per capita basis.

So my question is: I know that there are many forms of English, with the Western Canadian English being the purest of the entire planet (not even the Brits can speak English properly) (but you have to exclude BC’s lower mainland from my “western Canadian” grouping – those people just plain talk weird), so I hope I’m not coming across as insulting when I ask…… don’t you employ someone to ensure that your replies are guaranteed to be linguistically correct?

Signed:
Not Sure How To Sign This

Dear Not Sure How To Sign This,

Ok, Mr. Smarty Pants, I’ll have you know that I fixified the question in question. I transmogrified the original words to the words you suggestituded.

But for someone that knows a lot about language, you could learnify a thing or two about signatures.

Nothing is going to leave a stronger impression than a strong signature. That, and a strong title. I once tried to submit a piece of prose for evalufication and possible publication, but it was rejectituded because it did not have a title. I argumented that it was intended to be untitled. It was then accepted, but published under the title, “untitled”.

But that doesn’t answerify the crux of your question, which is who really dropped the ball! I suppose it was me. Not that there should be finger pointing and labels assigned. We all know that labels disable.

We don’t employ anyone for anything. Somehow, this stuff just happens. Not like this week. This week nothing happened. But it’s happening now. And it should happen again next week.

The closest we have to ensuring the lingistitude of an answer is Windows Spell Check, and we all know how well that has worked out in the past. And by the squiggly red line under it, it appears that lingistitude is not a recognized word. Likewise, neither is fixified, suggestituded, learnify, evalufication, rejectituded, argumented or answerify. Surprisingly, transmogrified is though… Look it up!

In the end, the only guarantee we ever offered on our site is that every question submitted will be answered. And so far, we’re 100% on that one.

Well, 100% except for those ones that are still coming in for the contest. Or the ones that haven’t been posted. Or the ones that I hadn’t sent to the trademarked Advice Randomizer yet.

Let’s say that if no one sent in any more questions for the rest of the year (not that I’m suggesting anything of the like!), we’d definitely have given 100% by the end of the year.

If you wanted 110%, we could make up our own questions for a couple of weeks?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 608: CELLULAR FUNKY CHICKENS

Dear Useless Men,

A girl from work hooked me with this guy she was friends with for the past 7 years. Seemed like a nice enough guy at first so I talk and dated him. When the sex talk began I told him I do not want to unless I am with the person as a couple.

After about two weeks of dating we did the funky chicken. He stopped calling and was only texting me for three days straight. I texted him and asked him if he was still interested. He said yes so I called him and we talked. In that talk he went from "yes I want to be with you" to "no I do not see myself with you" to "lets be friends". I am pretty blunt and asked him not to give me a line if he was not into me just to say that. I asked him to come over after he was done with his friends and he said yes. I started think maybe this is a lie so I sent him some text messages that told him that I know he not coming over and that he was using me. He never responded to them so the next day I sent him and email that was not nice.

I called him out cause I wanted him to admit and just say he used me. In the email I told him what I thought and also sent him a copy of another email that I sent my friend a few days earlier. In the email I made mention about " I do not what was worse the 5 mins of sex or the his non-stop talking about his ex" and " If that is average, then I do not want it"

Then I sent an email to the girl that hooked up us. Telling her the nice version of everything. She responded and said he is a nice guy and would not do that. I texted him and asked him if we could clear the air. He called me and we talked for a bit. Then he cam over and we had sex again. Then he just texted me for two day then came over again to help me move somethings. We talked about things and I thought things were cool again. Yes, I had sex with him again. But he has not called me at all since then and only one text to say that he was going to call later but never did. (two days ago)

He just got divorced two months ago after his wife let him for a woman. Because of this "he says" he not ready for anything at this time. He says he thought he was ready but he was wrong. That he feels dead inside since his break up. He keeps flip flopping and I do not know what to believe is the truth.

I feel like I am going crazy cause I am used to men wanting to be with me and treat me like a queen. This one come along and ignores me and is not what I want in a mate at all.Yet I am attracted to him so some unknown reason but can not stand him either.

I feel stupid cause I rushed into something and the fact I feel like I am just a booty call. Which is not okay by me at all cause for one I am way hotter than him. lol.

Please help me understand because I am completely and totally stupid of this thing.

Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used,

As a man, here is what I see from your letter. You gave in. Regardless of whatever else you say, he got it, and that’s it.

Now most women see that as being used but it really isn’t. I think of it like the way you are using your cell phone. You told the man in question that you would not have funky chicken with him unless he committed to you. Did you get a contract signed? Of course not. You are a person, not a cell phone company.

The cell phone people have it figured out. They’ll give some funky chicken rate on your airtime, and even throw in a free phone to attract you to their lair instead of their competitors, like that MILF Ma Bell. That Ma Bell will steal the souls of all the men that think they are using her because she has a monopoly. And that includes a monopoly on your guy.

With a long-term cell phone contract, you get a lot of benefits like cheaper rates, but you are locked into the plan. If you want out, there is a penalty. Where is your penalty? When this guy stopped being committed, what are the consequences? From your letter, it appears he received increased service. And that would NEVER happen with a cell phone company.

What I think you should do is consider offering better reception, and a free phone, to the guy that will sign on for a long-term commitment.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 602: INTERN IN TURN

Dear Useless Men

I am intrigued to know what skills the Useless Intern will learn during his apprenticeship with you. Is he your new gopher?

regards
anonymous jones

Dear Anonymous,

The new usleless intern won’t be learning any Lewinsky tye skills, if that’s what you’re getting at. In fact, we don’t really delve into politics at all.

If we have it our way, he won’t be learning any new skills at all. That’s mostly due to the fact that if there are any new kills out there, we likely won’t know about them yet. So, we tend to stick to old skills.

Like squeezing into tight leather pants. While it’s not every man’s dream to see another man in tight leather, I assure you it is important. One, it restricts movement, which is perfect for the Useless Offices. We don’t want this energetic young guy getting too excited and knocking over our only coffee maker. Secondly, it protects his ankles against the older, bitter gophers he’s replacing. And I haven’t even mentioned the true reason why One Useless Man has this on his approved list for our office dress code.

Speaking of rodents, we’ll also be teaching our Useless Intern how to think like a cornered gopher. With our limited mobility, it’s good to be able to catch these critters with little or no movement when they run off with our Cheese Doodles. And they will, because the Offices are crawling with them. And I haven’t even mentioned the true reason One Useless Man has these on the special dietary restriction list for our office food plan.

Next, our Useless Intern will need to learn how to settle our nerves when these rat-like underground menaces (or is it menacies?) take off with our dinner. It’s one skill to dispense beer and mixed drinks to settle us down. It’s wholly another to track down a gopher in the file storage retrieval area without letting a pork tenderloin roll on the floor more than the One Useless Man approved 5-second rule. It might not be Club Med, but at least we can relax with our tropical drinks, and their full sized umbrella toppers. None of these silly little mini-umbrellas around these parts!

Finally, the Useless Intern will learn the proper technique to stuffing mini hot dogs up his nostrils. This is important because he’ll need to concentrate while at work in the Useless Offices, which consist of a pee-stained couch One Useless Man claims he found at the dump and a mouldy fridge my mom gave us. It’s not so bad, just because it’s inside a dilapidated, half collapsed shed with un-grounded hydro, surrounded by a moat and looks like a grow-op.

I’m not saying it IS a grow-op, but I’ve been frisked under suspicion of possession so many times, I’m numb to the cavity search.

And I haven’t even mentioned the true reason why One Useless Man handles our random drug testing, or why he has my urine in the fridge…

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 599: SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

Dear Useless Men,

Do you know how many hours I slave over this keyboard just coming up with slightly less than useless questions for you? Well, not all that many really. But still. When is the next contest? I want to win something just as useless as this question.

Keep on Trekking,
Laura... ummm... I mean, Anonymous Non-Stalking Fan.

Dear Laura,

Yeah, we knew it was you. Again. And that’s okay, because with this question, we have unofficially run out of questions. I say unofficially because by the time we get around to posting this answer, I would hope that someone, somewhere would need some useless advice.

But truth be told, after 2+ years of Useless Advice, it’s possible our dear readers may have figured out that we really ARE useless.

For example, during Spam week, we answered a question that we labeled as spam sent to us on behalf of Mister Wong. It didn’t seem to be a Useless question, and for the most part, those companies that send us mail don’t realize that our email address is for question submission. You send us an email, you’re going to get a response (eventually).

The kind company representative with a really cool name attributed to the original “spam” even responded to our post. If there is a responder, then maybe this “spam” wasn’t “spam” at all!

Turns out, we REALLY WERE invited to participate in an ultra-secret covert beta test on this world wide web (our description, not theirs), and we completely missed the boat on it. If we were secret agents, we’d be more “Go, Go Gadget” than “Shaken, not stirred.”

The good people at Mister Wong must know a good thing when they see one. They were more than happy to step up and sponsor us for another question contest! Just in time really.

So while the prize is not yet secured (negotiations are over but shipping is still pending), we at Useless Men happily move forward in good faith that my namesake at Mister Wong is good on her word.

When I receive the prize package, I’ll post details here. In the meantime, we will sit back and wait for the question(s) to pour in! If questions start arriving in a few minutes, we can get them sent out to our Useless Men, who can then spend five days figuring out what to do. Then I can harass them to send in their answers. Which means, first contest question should be posted next Wednesday.

Until then, you send in your questions. If you’re a stickler for legalese or rules, this post is the closest that we have to those. Feel free to sign up for the best bookmarking site to ever sponsor a Useless contest as well.

We should also add that the contest will close in one month, on October 17th at midnight, whatever time zone you’re in.

Stay Useless!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTON # 596: STINKIER THAN

Dear Useless Men,

Hoping this finds you all well and not too busy dispensing with useless advice, but I have a question for you all... and not of the normal variety.

A friend and I are planning a new project- Basically, we're going to set up a blog under the URL StinkierThan.com and make humorous comparisons... ___ is stinkier than ___. Totally unrelated things with totally illogical reasoning and the like.

Are you interested in maybe contributing a comparison or two a month? We'd love for you to play with us, and whomever else I can get into this thing. And if you know of any of your readers who might be good candidates, do let them know and send them this, will you?

I'm hoping for lots of voices and lots of styles for this little idea... which will probably end up being a little bit twisted if all goes well!

Yours in Confusion,

Throcky, Girl Detective.

Stinkier Than (Coming soon!)

Dear Throcky,

I know a great idea when I smell one! And this one stinks! And that’s good.

I can’t believe you would have thought of us to help out. We’re rather unreliable. Like how it’s been 16 months since we promised a complete template overhaul on this site. (Coming Soon (insert winkie thingy here)).

We’re also had grand plans to automate our mail delivery system through our trademarked Advice Randomizer, only to discover that none of us have the skill, patience or intelligence to work with this sort of fickle mechanical technology. We may as well be trying to figure out the inner workings of women’s reproductive systems.

We also had a plan to do another contest, which was never produced. But we’re also running out of question quickly, so I think we should do another. But it’s always better when we have a sponsor! Can I get a sponsor? Anyone? Spammers are always welcome if they donate prizes! Not only are we useless, we’re also shallow.

I’ll ask the other guys what they think is stinkier than. In the short term, I can honestly say that One Useless Brother is stinkier than the rest of us. But that’s only after he’s spent 30 hours in a car driving one way.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


* I haven’t actually driven 30 hours in a car, one way, with any of the other Useless Men or Gal. That comparison may not have been entirely fair. Add that to your next site, Fairerthan.com, “ ______ is fairer than ______.”


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QUESTION # 584: SEND PICS - SPAM WEEK

Dear Useless Men,

HELLO

Compliment of the day to you, My Name is Miss Terry, how are you today i hope fine, dear i don't knows what can it be after this messge. well i will like us to know each other better, and I will really accept your friendship.

and l want you to send an email to my email address box, so that l can give you my picture for you to know whom l am. places contacts me with my email address box, i am waiting for your mail to my e-mail address box above Terry

(Remember the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alto in life)

yours in love
Terry

Dear Terry,

Your letter confuses me. When a stranger starts talking about love, I get confused.

Thanks you for saying Miss Terry though. I too have a name that is often confused as ambiguously sexless. Like Pat, Terry is one of those names that could go either way.

That reminds me of Kelly who worked in the local orchard warehouse. Mister Kelly started working there in the 70’s as a shipper, but in the 90’s moved up to receiving. Then she quit.

That was not a typo.

He became a she. The transition was awkward. Kelly wouldn’t use the men’s room, but the ladies wouldn’t let him use theirs. It was the only place where I’d seen a third bathroom option.

So I guess that Miss Terry could be a transition name as well. Not that it matters. All this love you want to share doesn’t matter since I am happily married.

This week we celebrated our 146th monthly anniversary. I remember the day like it was yesterday. To remind my wife of the lovely time we had, I’m sharing this picture from my honeymoon. Did you know that it gets REALLY hot in Vegas? Good thing that distance and colour don’t matter in love. When I turned the colour red, I had to keep a good distance from everything. A gently breeze was enough to cause great pain.

And not being able to be touched is not a great way to spend your honeymoon, if you know what I mean…

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 581: TURTLE HEAVEN

Dear Useless Men,

I helped a turtle across the road today. Does that mean I will go to heaven?

An Angel in the Making
- - - - - - -
Dear Useless Men,

I went back and got the turtle cause I found a really great recipe on the Internet for turtle soup. It was great. Does this mean I'm going to hell now?

Not Quite An Angel in the Making, Any More

Dear On and Off Angel,

I can see patience is not one of your gifts. When someone talks to you about the fruit of the Spirit, I’m sure you make it into a salad and top it with whipped cream.

The whole heaven and hell debate is a touchy one. While we don’t want to steer away from controversy, I should assure you of your impending eternal life in a lake of fire.

While turtle worship, either as a deity or a sacrifice, is not specifically forbidden in the Bible, God is pretty clear in His commandments that He’s a pretty jealous God. Consider the top three commandments God tell us: Don’t worship other gods, Don’t make other gods, and Don’t use God’s name in vain. If He hadn’t created the whole universe, someone might have accused Him of being a control freak.

But the real advice to your many varied selfish concerns is to look beyond yourself. The turtle may have been on his own way to heaven or hell. Perhaps the turtle was about to commit suicide, walking out into the freeway to end it all. But God, in His mercy, sent you as an angel to save that turtle. The turtle would have a new found understanding that the world around his little turtle swamp is filled with amazing things.

Or maybe you just got in the way. Jesus said, “I am the way,” and maybe the turtle was following the call. Do you think you are better than Jesus? Saving turtles? Look how that turned out for the turtle! Soup, or as I would call it, turtle Hell on in a pot on slow boil.

While God made many delicious things for us to eat, and we should be thankful for them, I also hope that you would get off your God-complex and leave the saving to Jesus.

Pass the crackers.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 578: HEY, GUYS! GUYS?

Dear Useless Men,

Hi guys. I got to the office today and the garage was locked. I hate to keep bringing this up, but do I ever get a key?

After waiting for a few hours, I was starting to wonder... Are you on holidays or something. Did some one forget to let me know? Holidays are ok with me, but an email, or something would have helped. Actually, I may just send this email into the trademarked Advice Randomizer. At least then I'll know you're getting this email.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern

Dear Useless Intern,

In two and a bit years we've never really taken a holiday. We've had periods of no posts, because, let's face it, we're useless. Not because we were on holidays though.

This week: holidays. That's our excuse, and I'm sticking to it. Mostly because I am the one charged with posting things, and I expect to be completely unplugged for the week. And since we could use more questions, it's a great time to stall until we start getting some fresh ones in.

But to keep you checking back, let me tempt your reading pleasure with a tidbit of future Useless.

Two words: SPAM WEEK.

That's right folks. We get a lot of spam. A LOT. And since we promise to answer every question we receive, it's about time we give SPAM its due.

So have a useless week, and we'll see you in one week. Or less.

We're that useless.

Sincerly,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 576: BRIB-ABILITY

Dear Useless Men,

Hi we ahve two sites whcih cater to the mens wear. www.latestmenswear.com and www.fancyshirt.com and we would like to use your articles and give a link to youir blogspot... acceptable?

Please confirm

Dear Please Confirm,

One question. WHY?

Why would you, a respectable .com website “which cater to the mens wear” want to have Useless Men on your site? Why?

I’ll tell you why. We are attractive. The new demographic polls tell it all. The polling company of Useless spouses says that with the recent combined weight loss of half the Useless Men, we may be becoming tolerable. Nay, attentionable. It’s almost worth the effort to give us the time of day again.

Almost. I still haven’t fixed the dishwasher. Until then, forget it.

But that’s my point. With the rash of weight loss, some of us former heavies need new wardrobes. And while we would never sell out our creative licensing or brand for any little thing, we would…

Who’s kidding who here? Show us the free stuff, and we shill anything. So while I wouldn’t recommend to our reader to click these anonymous website links that appear in our inbox, I would be more apt to send you many happy clicks, viral or otherwise, when those sites have been verified through neck-size-16-latest-fancy-men’s-shirt-wear.

So, the answer to your request is no. But that quickly becomes a yes when you have provided my new wardrobe.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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