QUESTION # 664: OFF TO THE RACES

Dear Useless Men,

Why is road construction equipment always painted that sickly yellow color? Wouldn't road work get done faster if the heavy equipment they use were painted with color schemes like NASCAR uses?

Speedway Frank

Dear Frank,

Let’s be frank, Frank. You have a great idea here. And we are going to steal it claim it as our own.

Who knows if they will get the work done faster. That’s a union issue (solidarity!). BUT the sponsorships can be a great way to add infrastructure to the budgets! Can you imagine the ad campaigns? “This union-made highway is longer and harder thanks to our sponsors at Viagra!” Instead of white lines, little blue dots would separate lanes.

In fact, we could make the whole driving experience more race-like with the addition of banked corners. There could be yellow caution flags out around the construction sites, and the state patrol could stand on the side of the highway with a radar gun and a red flag for speeders. Black flags would also be available for drunks and people on cell phones.

And every turn will only be to the left.

Then we can add pit stops every 80 miles and you can get gas top ups and free tires! Of course, without the sponsorships, we’d have to raise taxes and you could expect to pay about 2.5 million dollars per car, per household. BUT you’d also get insight into the latest Toyota racing technology. We figure the big guys won’t go for it, but Toyota just wants to be everyone’s friend like that left-handed redhead in 3rd grade. (HI TREVOR!)

Not sure what the next step should be? Do I start making calls, or do I run for city council? With all the red tape of bureaucracy I expect I’m just going to keep running into walls.

And that’s NEVER good in racing.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 642: IT'S NICER, CLEANER AND A LITTLE TO THE LEFT

Dear Useless Men,

Which is the best Canadian city to live in and why?

Local Vagabond

Dear Local Vagabond,

There is a common misconception among denizens of this big spinning ball we call Earth that, just because Canada exists, it has cities.

This couldn't be further from the truth. Allow me to explain.

Canada is a vast, barren, lifeless, soulless expanse of tundra and broken dreams, the monotony of which is broken only by the occasional moose and bowl of poutine (no one knows who put them there). Canada is also one of the youngest country's around, reason being that everyone always knew it was there just, but nobody wanted to take responsibility for it. Sort of like the dog doo you find lying in the corner of your living room. Everyone just kind of ignores it till it starts to stink. It was accidentally founded in 1986 by the LeBeau family as they drove to Niagara Falls and took a wrong turn out of Detroit. A non-plussed Mr. LeBeau claimed to have been looking for a shortcut and never meant to find the country and he'd take it back if he could; a more animated Mrs. LeBeau kept screaming, "Merde!"

Ever since that day Canada has attracted almost a dozen tourists a year (none of which are the LeBeau’s). They are drawn to its mediocre natural beauty and its approximate 91-square feet of habitable surface. "Canadians," as a people, do not in fact exist; they are a fictitious rendering along the lines of elves or faeries, and are sometimes invoked by sweaty virgins on the internet when pressed about the status of their inter-gender relations.

"I do so have a girlfriend! ...she just lives in Canada and you can't meet her. I met her blogging."

Much as I'd like to end this on a completely sarcastic note, I'm pretty sure I'm the only non-Canadian Useless Man that doesn't live there and can say it, at least, has captivated me enough to make the thousand or so mile trip to visit it at least three times. I have kayaked its inlets, hiked its trails, partaken of its nightlife, slept in its hostels, and laughingly ignored its pleas that I convert my miles-per-hour driving into kilometres-per-hour. The times that I went, Canadian money was worth about .0000002% of American money so I stayed at the finest hotels and drinks were on me. It's not like that now, so buy your own darn drink. And I hate to stereotype, but Canadians are about 14 billion times nicer than Americans. I'm not saying everyone is, but if you had to walk around LA and Vancouver blindfolded and guess which one you were in by who you ask for help, my bet is you'd be right your first try.

So to answer your question, my favorite city is Vancouver. Trendy, forward thinking, diverse, great food, lots of bars and clubs, interesting historical things all around (Gastown is charming), great shopping (every corner has a shoe shop and a pizza place), fantastic architecture, and you just might even stumble upon a TV show or movie being shot. Just watch out for all the bums!

Oh, and remember: Canadians drive on the left side of the road, and a big joke among Canadians is to watch the border for an incoming American then to quickly pretend that they drive on the same side as us. DON'T BE FOOLED; they won't respect you unless you drive on the left too.

Sincerely,
Just Plain Useless


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QUESTION # 617: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SUSPENSION

Dear Useless Men,

My family are going on holiday soon which means my husband has begun asking for submissions for the holiday CD that he makes and which is subsequently played non-stop wherever we go on the trip. Unfortunately, he feels like he is duty bound to include songs from all family members. This means I am going to have to listen to (shudder) High School Musical. I know you understand what a dilemma this is, but what can I do about it? I can tolerate heavy metal, I can put up with retro punk, and I'll even sing along with "I'm a goofy goober" from the SpongeBob movie. But not even A Walk In The Rainforest with eight minutes and fifty three seconds of green eyed tree frogs, common nursery frogs, pealing chirpers and nocturnal insects can shut out the memory of the nails-on-a-blackboard voices of Troy, Gabriella, Sharpay and that guy with the flamboyant hats; nor the fear of their return on the random setting.

Do I have to strap myself onto the roof rack? Help!

love
anonymous jones

Dear Anonymous Jones,

I really like the whole "strapped to the roof rack" idea. Of course, that might be because this is what a "holiday trip" was for me, as a child:

Four kids strapped into 3 seatbelts in the backseat of a 1976 Ford Country Squire Station Wagon, complete with fake wood paneling and those dirty little ashtrays in the armrests. The windows were always rolled up because, let's face it, driving straight into a blizzard in the dead of December is OBVIOUSLY the best time to take a little road trip with the kiddies. The heater was always cranked to keep the windshield clear. And, to top it all off, my parents chain-smoked in the front seat the entire way, while Patsy Cline played incessantly on the tape deck.

To this day, the sound of her voice still makes me carsick. I would have KILLED to ride on the roof rack.

Of course, while this solution may work for you in the short-term, little things like rain, highway troopers, or (in the case of Northern Manitoba) 10-pound mosquitoes can bring your state of bliss to an end REAL quick. So...

The answer isn't how to get yourself away from the music but, rather, how to get the music away from you. You see, the beauty of the CD Age is that those little plastic disks are VERY susceptible to "accidental" scratches. All you have to do is wait for your husband to ask for the CD while he's driving and hand it to him with your wedding ring turned around backwards, letting that pathetic 0.5 caret excuse for a diamond that he was so proud of saving money on so you could afford the fly-fishing trip during the honeymoon drag across the surface and, viola! No more High School Musical!

Of course, this sort of maneuver requires perfect timing and undetectable slight-of-hand. And that means one thing: Practice. LOTS of practice. Otherwise, your trick will be discovered and you'll have to deal with the whining, the pouting, the crying...MORE if the kids find out. So, unless you have a whole bunch of Celine Dion, Backstreet Boys, and Prozzak CDs kicking around, you might want to consider getting closer to the source: Your husband's computer.

Ultimately, this is where all that horrible music is going to originate before being burned to "Ultimate Holiday Road Mix Vol. 8". Somewhere on that 500GB SATA hard drive he just HAD to have under the auspices of turning all your wedding photos and videos into a multimedia masterpiece that would bring James Cameron to tears with its awe-inspiring transitions and haunting melodies but will never really get finished, nor watched if it did... Somewhere in there is a folder. Probably something with a descriptive name like "Music" or "Temp~1". And in that folder you will find all the files that he has iTuned, ripped, or pirated in preparation for your trip.

A short-sighted person would simply delete this folder and be done with it. But we're not simple, are we? Useless, maybe, but not simple. No... If you delete the music, he's only going to download it again, thereby monopolizing the PC more, staying up later to get "just 2 more songs", and making poorer and poorer selections in his sleep-deprived state. You need to eliminate his ability to acquire the songs at all.

Here at Useless Advice for Useless Men, we receive many emails, lots of which start with ***Suspected Spam***. Most people just delete these. We read them and try to answer them. In this case, though, you may want to consider having us forward a few to you. In a few short mouse-clicks, you can be virtually guaranteed of ensuring a virus or trojan horse has been installed on your PC. With that done, you'll have made it impossible for your husband to download any more music either because your Internet connection is gone, or because he's too busy swearing and trying to remove the virus himself instead of taking the machine in and coughing up the $40 to have a professional correct the problem in a matter of minutes. Either way, you win.

Now, if you just don't feel you are "tech-savvy" enough to pull this off, or if the PC is actually YOURS and you don't want it out of commission indefinitely, you could always just call the RIAA and report your husband for illegal music downloads. True or not, they're going to look into it.

While he's busying trying to explain away all those Vanilla Ice mp3's, you and the kids can enjoy a nice, peaceful, High School Musical-free holiday.

Sincerely,
Useless Intern



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QUESTION # 614: SUBWAY TURF WARS

Dear Useless Men,

As I was pulling away from my local video store today, I accidentally backed into a parked car. I panicked and took off without leaving a note but I think the guy that runs the Subway in the same strip mall saw me. I don't think I can risk going back there now. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so addicted to movies and subs...

What should I do?

Signed,
Jared's Evil Twin

Dear Jared’s Evil Twin,

Unless you are looking to enter some kind of twelve-step program for movies and subs, I suggest a different approach. Let's face it, that's a lot of steps and if you eliminate subs and movies you'll never again see Das Boot or Hunt For Red October!

The first thing I would suggest is to make sure your car shows no sign of contact with the other car. If you have a dent in yours from hitting the car, check for paint chips in it. Paint transfer occurs when your car picks up some of the other car's paint from rubbing against it.

To eliminate this evidence you might consider putting your car in for bodywork but that takes time. The easier answer is to hit the same spot on your car with another car of a different colour. This will serve to hide the paint from the first car underneath the transfer from the second car. You can repeat this process until there are so any different colours of paint that nobody could tell what you hit. This is also ultimately cheaper than the cost of the repair work on your car.

If you're that addicted to subs all you have to do is tell the guy that runs the Subway that if he tells anyone that you'll stop eating there. If you are indeed Jared's evil twin, you likely eat well enough that his car payment is dependant on your continued patronage. Hey! If you promise to bring a friend from then on, he may even give you a false alibi so that nobody can pin the crash on you!

Under no circumstance should you approach the vehicle owner and try to smooth things over. He was likely sent by the competition to place their car in your way so that you would hit it. The ensuing embarrassment would prevent you from continuing to visit that particular location. You are likely caught in the middle of a Subway turf war. These can get messy so whatever you do, make sure you keep your eyes open. Once the Quiznos cars start popping into the equation, things are bound to get really nasty.

You can rent a movie pretty much anywhere, so I wouldn't worry too much about those guys.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 583: BREATHLESS

Dear Useless Men,

While blog surfing, I found this cartoon.

Immediately thought of all of you here at your blog!

Hope you enjoy it!

Sheila

Dear Sheila,

That comic was almost right up my alley, but it was more Garfield funny than Gary Larson funny.

The pros: it was short.
The cons: it showed men performing useful duties, yet was titled, “Things You Can Do With A Useless Man.”

Each frame shows a man being used in a useful way. But does performing one useful task make men useful? I thought maybe someone else had some insight, so I clicked on Christina’s comment and began the downward spiral. More commenters lead to more blogs and even more comments until I finally reached the “bottom” of the internet barrel: celebrity trashing blogs.

As I read about Pam Anderson’s latest video and Paris Hilton’s run-in with the law, I thought of another great idea for a useless man (namely, me). For a delicious salary, I could be hired as Lindsay Lohan’s personal Breathalyzer. I would spend all evening sitting in her Mercedes, and every time she wanted to take the car, she would have to kiss me.* When the officer stopped us for side-swiping 16 Cadillac Escalades, our conversation would go something like this:

ME: Sorry Officer, she hasn’t had anything. But, curiously, she was making out with me just before we left the club. And I’m sloshed!”

At which point I get out of the car, dance provocatively on the hood before passing out from the tazering.

But would I really drive around with someone who’s known to use her car for target practice? Is that a risk I’m willing to take?

Similarly, transforming your Useless Man into something useful such as a towel rack or coffee table is a risk-vs-reward scenario that begs to be explored carefully. One coffee table is nice, but left unattended, your table may invite a bunch of his friends over.

Sounds great because you’ll have so many new places to show off your dried flower arrangements, but what are you going to do with 22 tables you have to feed?

Thanks for thinking of us though.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


* And, being useless, I would turn the keys over to her. At least I’d point her to the pocket that they were in. You know, the one with the lump in it?


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QUESTION # 577: ROAD KILL CLEAN-UP

Dear Useless Men,

I think I ran over my ex husband. I know I didn't just run into him, the way you run into someone on the street and have a little chat and all of that. I heard a kind of double thump under the car. Then I noticed he wasn't still standing at the side of my car yelling and screaming any more. It doesn't look good. I think the neighbours will be annoyed if they have to clean up that mess from the street. Or will the police take care of that. So that is my question... who cleans up the road kill? Actually, who cleans up all the animal roadkill and is that the same bunch who clean up the... accidental... human road kill?

Signed,
Road Trip Lover

Dear Road Trip Lover,

First, kudos to you for taking the initiative to solve a problem in your own way. We don't see a lot of that around here. We see a lot of people ignoring that strange sandwich in the staff fridge. At least until the Intern started. Then I took the initiative to switch his lunch pail with mine.

Our situations are not that different. Of course, the solution of one problem leads to the creation of others and that is where you are now. How to clean up the mess remaining is a tricky question to answer without more information. I'll give you a few possibilities.

First, let's assume this happened and so far you are the only one to have realized this has happened. This means that there will be no police coming to clean up the mess unless you call them. Unless they deem it to be an emergency, then you can be sure they will take quite some time to get there.

This will leave the mess around long enough for the neighbours to begin to get frustrated with the mess. This will lead to an erosion of the friendship you may have constructed with them over the years. I have a neighbour who played the bagpipes all night long. We don't speak any more. That may have more to do with the bagpipe shards in his throat that render him incapable of speech, but I think it's more because the neighbours were so annoyed with the racket that they just don't talk to him any more.

The second possibility is that the neighbours have seen it already and the police are en route. If this is the case then I suggest you quit playing a round with the computer and get out there with a shovel and a hose. The less evidence...I mean mess... that you leave, the less likely that you will have to explain what happened. Instead, you can make your nosy neighbours look like fools for calling in a false accident. This will not only reduce the odds they phone the police the next time, but it will also allow you to get away from the possibility of the police misinterpreting the whole mess and you ending up in front of a judge. Those guys can be so lousy at understanding explanations.

The last possibility is that you have a weak stomach and don't wish to deal with the mess yourself. In this situation I suggest you get outside as soon as possible and tape a pair of antlers to his head. As soon as that is done, then you call the number in your city for the group responsible for cleaning up these sort of messes. As for who cleans that up, I can't say for sure as the city dispatches them under the guise of animal control. How a flattened animal could be in need of, or respond to, any manner of control is a mystery to me. I would imagine that these are indeed the same people responsible for other messes as well. There can't be that many people specialized in this kind of work, right? They are probably a specially trained legion of short order cooks. After all, they are also good at scraping questionable meat from flat surfaces too right?

We’ll need a few to scrap off the porcelain here, too…

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 560: SIT ON IT

Dear Useless Men,

Ribbed for her pleasure or lubricated?

Throckmorton Jones

Dear Throckmorton Jones,

You certainly have a way of getting straight to the point.

What a fascinating question. The more obvious question we get is length or width. That really comes down to the space you'll be parking it in, how often it is used and what it's used for. However, you’re not concerned about where or how you park the car, but how it feels, so let's compare the two options.

I'm a leather guy. I find leather feels so soft and smooth and has an alluring scent. Sure it needs more work to keep feeling and looking good, like the previously mentioned lubricating, which I see no problem doing.

My wife however, thinks it's not really her and already feels enough like the disciplinarian. She says she doesn't want to keep crack the whip to make sure I do as I'm told, according to the established rules.

My wife prefers the ribbed corduroyed-like material for the exact reason stated in the question: for her pleasure. My wife likes the feel of the hard ridges against her. The ribbing is a like a million little massaging hands as she shifts to keep comfy. She describes it as soothing. I describe it as antsy.

And since we have a family, we needed something more practical then the fancy leather option that demands constant upkeep and polishing (or “lubricating” as the British call it). No matter how manly the leather makes me feel, we have to wait until any and all kids are grown and moved out. So I compromised, which is a fancy way of saying that I picked what I was told, and went with "her pleasure".

I can't tell you which one you'll like best. It varies from person to person. However, when deciding on car upholstery, be sure to keep in mind who will be using the car. Corduroy material is easier to clean and stays moderately the same temperature summer or winter. Leather needs more care and there is nothing worse then bare legs on hot leather upholstery in the summer.

Ouch.

Choose wisely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 556: CAPTAIN OF THE GARAGE GANG

Dear Useless Men,

What is the purpose of a garage anyway? I thought it was to store motor vehicles- ou know, like protect them from the elements. We get hail, freezing rain, feet of snow, and many 90+ degree baking days here in Minnesota. I have not been able to drive into our garage either. It's like a dump site and the middle of projects yet to be finished site. We have a Captain Kirk chair in the process. Should be cool when it's done. I used to help my sister cope with getting her husband to do those odd jobs like leaky faucets by not expecting anything from her husband. That way, when he actually does something, she will be elated and she can praise him and tell him what a good job he did!

scott and heidi

Dear Scott and Heidi,

I didn’t know garages could be used for such a diverse variety of storage-related functions! You’re talking to a Useless Man here! One who enjoys Captain Kirk’s womanizing escapades. Two thumbs up on the replica of Kirk’s Captain chair.

In my neighbourhood, growing up, garages were mostly used for grow-ops and gambling. I didn’t even know they were used for cars. Except for those spontaneous gang meetings. We would push all the tables and lamps out of the way and drive the car in to load it up with guns and bolt-on armour plating.

Well, we called it armour plating but it was really just tin foil taped to the doors. We figured it would blind our enemies when we did a drive-by at two in the afternoon. Our moms wouldn’t let us out after dark.

Our guns were actually super-soakers. But they were filled with hot chocolate and Kahlua. After we drenched our enemies, we’d race home, call the police and tell them some underage kids were drinking in the park.

With our enemies out of the way, we were free to play on the slides and eat candy. And when it started hailing or freezing rain, the garage made a great fort for me and all my friends. Make sure you’ve got room enough in yours!

Once you’re finished your Captain’s chair, you can sit proudly and order your spouse to clean up the garage. Tell ‘em you got friends coming over.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 552: ONE DEGREE OF STALKER

Dear Useless Men,

My friends and I were playing six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Who is the biggest celebrity you have ever met? Do you have photographic proof?

One Degree From Kevin

Dear One Degree From Kevin,

In the summer of 1985, sitting in a sticky movie theatre watching Back to The Future, I developed a typical 10-year-old crush on Marty McFly’s girlfriend, Jennifer.

At that moment the goal was set – I had to meet Jennifer – someday. As my crush developed further, my walls filled with more and more posters and magazine cutouts of her. My parents were slightly concerned, trying to get me interested in other things, like building bordellos out of Lego, knitting, and getting my driver’s license.

Getting my driver’s license was an exciting time. I started to think that maybe Jennifer loved Marty because of the cool car he drove. Maybe she could love me too! So I saved every nickel I could* and bought myself some stainless steel Jennifer bait. With my Delorean I knew I couldn’t mess up this opportunity.

Figuring she wouldn’t get into a car with a stranger, I also legally changed my name to Marty McFly. And I put candy in the glove box.

While time travel wasn’t necessary, traveling to Chicago for a Delorean/Back to the Future convention was. It was at this convention where my goal was realized and I met Jennifer. She was at a table eating dinner with her friends and/or family. I made my way. Between her mouthfuls of mashed potatoes, I explained in detail my desire to make Jennifer my Mrs. Marty McFly, waving the keys of my car in the face of those at the table not taking me seriously.

This photo was taken just before security escorted me away. I think the sight of security running towards the table is the only reason she is smiling.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

* Some money was spent on candy. Man cannot live in a Delorean alone.


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QUESTION # 544: RED LIGHT DISTRICT

Dear Useless Men,

Why are we supposed to stop for red lights? Red is the colour of passion, speedy cars and excess in general. Wave a red flag in front of a bull and see how much stoppage you get.

Laura

Dear Laura,

We have to stop at red lights because passion is dead. Or so it seems. In this fast paced, high stakes world of ours, people no longer have time for passion and love. In an effort to curb this trend, The World Heritage Organization invented traffic lights and distributed them worldwide.

The idea is that green means go because green symbolizes a broader sense of life. Go forth, life and love is an open road ready to be explored.

Yellow is a cautionary step put in as harmony through conflict. Do I go or do I stop? It's a delicate balance that speaks volumes of the individual driver. The yellow traffic light can be a good measure for deciding how you feel towards the driver.

If a driver runs the yellow, they have a lust for life, but may be too hasty or rash. If the driver stops for a yellow light, they are more reflective yet willing to take their time with things. However, they may also be reluctant to grab the bull by the horns every once in a while.

We stop at red lights so that we can take the time to appreciate all that we have. Take a look in the rear view mirror at yourself, or the kids in the back seat, and remember just that love is, what it's all about. Lean over and give your spouse a kiss.

Don't stop and smell the roses, you might end up being allergic to them. But you should not run that yellow light, and stop instead, in the name of Love.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 511: ROAD TRIPPING

Dear Useless Men,

I'm planning a really great trip, staying at a fancy hotel and taking the car so I can make all the stops I want at roadside attractions, flea markets and so on. My husband also likes these things so how can I take the car and leave him behind without hurting his feelings? It would be really great if you can come up with a plan where he wouldn't even know or notice I've gone.

Road Tripper

Dear Road Tripper,

Mom?!? Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Wow, you've got yourself a bit of a situation. Just the mention of road trip and flea markets would scare any man. Most husbands would gladly give up his spot to anybody else. Even to your close friend Steve, the really handsome single guy you work with, or even his very hetero buddy, Rick, who just broke up with his stripper girlfriend, and is just looking to have a good time, and is not really ready for another relationship just yet.

Anything to get out of that road trip.

If your husband will not drop to the ground, kicking and screaming, refusing to move until you tell him he doesn't have to go, then you're in for a challenge. The usual tactic is to order the sportsman bucket from KFC and throw on season's 4 through 9 of The Simpson's which should keep him occupied for the weekend. Or you could hint at spring-cleaning, where upon he would hide in the crawl space for weeks thinking he's out smarted you.

Both of these tactics are completely useless here. You can't even suggest that you are having your period, because he sounds like the kind of guy who'd be all “sympathetic” and try to make you comfortable during this time of discomfort. What a jerk…

No, you're going to have to get sly. You're going to have to think like a woman for this one. Now, consider what you'd have to say to one of your girlfriends in order to do something without them. Let's say you want to go shopping for new summer outfits, but don't want to bring Sally, your best friend who sat up late eating ice cream and talking about disastrous relationships and swearing never to go through that again, then giggle and fall asleep after tiring yourselves out with a pillow fight in your PJ's.

I know there is no way you'd ever go shopping without Sally, but play along with me here. I am just being hypothetical.

How would you tell Sally you want to go shopping without her or even how could you go shopping without Sally ever even knowing you went? I have no idea how you'd do that. I'm not a woman. And I don’t like shopping.

But that is where you'll find your answer.

Sorry to cut this short. My wife has ordered in KFC, and we're about to watch some Simpson's together. She's just gone off to get something from the kitchen, and she told me to start without her. Ooooh, I can't wait to see my favourite episode: The diorama / sugar episode!

First you get the sugar,
Then you get the power,
Then you get the women…

Mmmmm .. KFC…

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 508: YABBA-DABBA-DO

Dear Useless Car Experts,

As of late, the soles of my feet burn tremendously whenever I drive my car a lot, especially during heavy rush-hour traffic. What should I yabba-dabba-do?

Mr. Incredulous

Dear Mr. Incredulous,

As an avid environmentalist, I always like to hear from fellow tree huggers. Or in your case, alternate vehicle users. Yabba-dabba-do.

The latest scientific research on your problem would suggest that you "suffer from a problem that is common among people who have taken up driving self propelled cars..." In fact, they have gone so far as to suggest that "anyone using foot power as a mode of transportation is likely to suffer from what appears to be a burning sensation in the footalius region. This disorder is most likely caused by frictionillium of the human footicus with solid masses such as concretium, gravelorius or pavementorial surfactants."

Unfortunately, they didn't publish their findings in laymans terms, or laywomans terms for that matter, so we are left to guess what the heck they are talking about.

But that's not my concern right now. My concern is related to your condition. And I have my own thinkings as to what is happening to you.

I think that either your feet get hot from running really fast to get your car moving or your car just happens to be on fire.

If you think it may be from running really fast then I would suggest that you try driving in flip flops. They are the least binding shoes I can think of and will allow plenty of air circulation to keep your feet cooler.

And if you think your car may be on fire, beware: going faster in rush hour traffic would fan the flames making your feet hotter! I would suggest that you spritz your feet with water while driving.

Any water source will serve the purpose. Some people use bottled water. I've even heard of a case where a woman in Nebraska will only use distilled water, insisting that the other forms of water cause lines and wrinkles on her toes.

Personally, I use regular tap water and no women I've been with have ever complained. Well, not about my feet anyways.

Good luck.

Yours truly,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 485: THAT DARN CAMRY AGAIN

In honour of the CIAS, we interrupt our regularly scheduled questions. Enjoy.

Dear Useless Men,

I love my Camry but it's getting a bit rustic looking and sounding. Last year, the brakes died, made driving very interesting. The guy who fixes my car (cheap) got mad at me. But it literally did just happen over night. He didn't think it was possible. Now I'm afraid to take the car back again. I can just see him looking at me, thinking "What did she do THIS time?" :D

Does any warrantee cover a car aged, about 13 years. Same owner from when it was new. At least as far as the government is concerned...

My only other car was a 1993 Ford Tempo. It didn't survive long enough to be in the running as a classic. Poor thing. Canadian Tire insisted I "retire" the car. Actually they said I would be taking my life in my hands if I drove it again. It was leaking some kind of tar-like substance, had lost a cylinder (it only started with 4 so being down to 3 wasn't all bad). Also, there was a gas leak so I could never fill it past a bit below half.

All the joys of car ownership. :)

Laura

Dear Laura,

Sounds like you love living dangerously. My buddy had an old Ford Tempo with a hole in the floor and it had to idle for 15 minutes before he could drive it. I think that was standard on all '84 models.

All the same, it's good you've moved on to the Toyota Camry, a far more reliable vehicle. This extreme lifestyle you've grown accustomed to can't be cheap, so I guess you're looking for a warranty to cover your rustic car. Don't bother trying car dealerships; their warranties are only good, at most, for 5 years. What you need to do is have driving your Camry recognized as a new sport in the X Games.

Once you have the X-Games backing, then you can start receiving generous donations in support of the "up keep" of your Camry. Feel free to tell them it's not for profit. I doubt anybody would check.

You could tour your car around to various shows. You can still let the car go, wowing visitors and x-treme enthusiasts with how dangerous driving around in such an unsafe vehicle is. And just think of the tickets you'd get out of!

Have you ever heard of a monster truck getting a speeding or parking ticket? Me either.

You could document points of danger such as both door handles not working, having to enter the car via the hatchback with a malfunctioning arm, or how the horn honks every time you make a sharp right turn, with a side note on which brand of pliers work best when left in use under the hood.

There will be websites devoted to your Camry, a Wikipedia entry, and loads of historians writing books. Universities will have classes dedicated to your Camry, and Hollywood will pay millions for the rights. You could have a whole new career ahead of you!

Forget about the joys of car ownership, and welcome to the exhilarating world of X-treme sports!

Good luck!

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 483: CLASSIC CAMRY

In honour of the CIAS, we interrupt our regularly scheduled questions. Enjoy.

Dear Useless Men,

At what point does a car become a 'classic'? Is it based on age or popularity? If so, is my 1993 Camry a classic yet? Or do I have to keep pushing it and pretending it's still a real car another year or two?

Classy Annie

Dear Classy Annie,

After doing exhaustive research on this subject I finally feel qualified to provide you with the answers you seek.

The world of classic cars is actually governed by some very simple rules. Classic Car Daily, which is published once every leap year, defines it best:

"A car becomes a classic if it is desired to be collected by classic car collectors and it is more than several years old, which is dependant on the make or model of said car, or if it is of limited availability and is in perfect condition, or is capable of being restored to perfect condition by said purchaser if they have the means and ability to carry out such a restoration, or if said purchaser is willing to forgo such age as to accept the car and live with the consequences of perhaps purchasing a car which may not increase in value beyond said point, which is totally arbitrary and may change without notice."

They have more to say but it stopped making sense at this point, so I'm not going to continue. You can read it for yourself if you wish. It's in the July 2000 edition.

By their definition, your 1993 Camry may or may not be considered a classic at this point. The bigger problem is finding the proper venue to attempt to sell your car to collectors.

You don't have to worry about that either because I have done all that work for you.

There is only one classic car auction place that accepts Camry's. And the bi-century auction happens to be taking place this very year. So, if you want to enter your car in this auction to determine it's value to potential collectors you will have to get it to this place:

Township 26, Section 591, of East Harbor, Blatford, Oregon.

Just follow the signs at the Old General Store, which is located next to the big stop sign.

Then drive or push your car west until you pass Bill's house. He had laundry hanging on his clothesline at the time of this notice so it should be easy to spot unless he took his laundry in. From there, it is just a short jaunt of about 14 miles to the Miller's home and then just 2 more miles north to the Camry Classic Car auction site.

The auction is next week so you better start heading that way soon. Best of luck.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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QUESTION # 481: TIME FOR ANOTHER ROAD TRIP

In honour of the CIAS, we interrupt our regularly scheduled questions. Enjoy.

Dear Useless Men,

So when y'all gonna do a road trip to Kansas City, Missouri? I've got a great car for you. It looks good, runs good and will last you a lifetime. Seriously. Come on.. would I lie to you?

Fucus spiralis is just seaweed

Dear Fucus,

When this question originally came in, we probably would have considered a road trip to KC. Who wouldn’t want to check out the Harley-Davidson Final Assembly Plant or Science City? Here at home, we have a steel manufacturer and a bay that may hold contaminated fish. Talk about science…

But then One Useless Brother and I went on a little road trip to Kipling, Saskatchewan for a weekend. We took our dad along with us, hoping he would spot us some gas money. We decided to leave on Friday around lunch time, driving the 30-hours one way west (more accurately north, then west), to arrive the following day, at 4pm Saturday thanks to the two hour time difference. Doing the math, in order to be home before Monday, we would have had to turn around and start home again in 2 hours. That was ridiculous, so we stayed over night and left at 1pm Sunday, having spent a whopping 21 hours in Kipling (population 1100, plus one red paperclip house).

When it comes to cars, we decided to rent one. We were given the keys to a brand new Toyota Matrix, with an odometer reading of 82kms. With Unlimited weekend kilometers, imagine the surprise on the car rental office when I returned our “weekend” rental with 5200kms in just three days. It was like we never turned the car off. As a side note, with three men in a Matrix, eating, sleeping, and making other sundry releases, the new car smell was officially gone in just 24 hours.

Seriously.

So unless your car is good enough to manage a weekend drive like that, I’d have to say we’re not that interested in an extreme road trip. My Metro, with 3 cylinders and close to 200000kms, just can’t hack a drive south to KC. Although it would be nice to see the Toronto Blue Jays play a team they might actually beat.

But, if we were going on another road trip again any time soon, I'd be going to Dukesfest first. YeeEEEEeee Haaaawwwww!

And as for your life time “promise”, I’m reminded of my cousin. My cousin used to sell watches. He had a lifetime guarantee as well. He guaranteed every watch battery as long as it ran. I returned one when it stopped working and he pointed out that the warranty had just expired as well. In an unrelated matter, he doesn’t work in that business anymore.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 480: FEATURES OR FLAWS

In honour of the CIAS, we interrupt our regularly scheduled questions. Enjoy.

Dear Useless Men,

What are the new features available in the really luxurious luxury cars? I think the last thing that really impressed me were power windows. But those are a pain in an older car once they stop working. I can't go through any drive thru places without having to open my door.

Proud Owner of a Bone Shaker

Dear Proud Owner Of A Bone Shaker,

In order to better answer your questions, I made a trip to the Canadian International Auto Show to scope out the new fangled automotives. Thanks to some subterfuge, I was able to sneak in preview the show with the media and was given full access to any and all vehicles in the building. After climbing into many a vehicle, I feel safe in reporting to you that if you thought that power windows were something to fear then you will be dismayed at the new cars coming down the line.

Most of the new cars are coming installed with increasing amounts of technology that will "assist" us in driving and improve the quality of our travels. While I got excited at these teasing descriptions, I was dismayed to find that these did not include a fridge or a seat that doubles as a toilet. Dodge was offering a refrigerated glove box, but that won't fit a keg, so I see a problem there.

As for the seats, there were massaging ones that would make me fall asleep and heated ones that would likely short circuit in the summer, toasting my buns a bright and steamy red. No toilet based ones though. Not only would such seats increase the long range capabilities of most drivers, but it would also give us the option of putting a high pressure pump on the back of our cars, attached to the toilet waste collection tank, allowing us to solve the problem of tailgate drivers once and for all.

With the prospect of these technology embedded cars, I got excited and instantly thought of K.I.T.T. and envisioned driving around as "the Hoff". My excitement was short lived when I realized that I usually have the kinds of problems with technology that make the computer in Electric Dreams seem laid back. And I'm not hairy enough.

Face it, the car of the future will be a magical and beautiful product that will make your life and your trip so wondrous and so enjoyable you won't want to get out. All lasting until the warranty is up, at which point I recommend you arm yourself.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 479: SIGN OF THE TAILGATER

In honour of the CIAS, we interrupt our regularly scheduled questions. Enjoy.

Dear Useless Men,

I'd like a car with a sign at the back which automatically pops up every time I get a tailgater. Do they have one available? Mine could say, "If you can read this I'm about to start backing up now."

Rearview Mama

Dear Rearview,

They most certainly do have such a car with a customizable sign. So you could have "If you can read this, I'm about to start backing up now." Or "Back off, jerk." Or, " Tailgating should be reserved for football and baseball games, and since this is neither, I would very much appreciate it if you would allow more space between your vehicle and mine."

Of course, there are a few problems with the use of such signs.

First of all, tailgaters have to be able to read to get the message. And since most of them are too busy talking on their cell phones while cooking themselves a meal in their microwaves and watching a movie on their DVD players and either shaving or putting on makeup with their one free knee, I don't know if they really would have time to read your sign. A sign is likely very low on their priority list of things to do while they head off to wherever.

The second problem is that the signs are currently only available in the new Toyota Prius. And while this particular car gets great gas mileage, it's almost invisible on the road due to its small size. So who would even see your sign? Not me, for one. I drive a normal human-size truck.

Then there is the problem of people who tailgate having to get even closer to your vehicle to read the sign. Currently the sign appears in size-12 font. So your message will appear the about the same size as this. Only people with eyes like an eagle will be able to read it before crashing into your car. And people with eagle eyesight seldom tailgate.

So, to answer your question, yes, the option is available. But until it has been perfected, in about 73 years according to car design experts, I would pass on it.

In the meantime, I have had a lot of success with hanging a gun rack in my back window. And loading it with various guns.

Between the gun rack, the guns, the NRA stickers (including my favorite that says, "Kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out"), and several textbooks from my anger management classes, I can't even see out the back window. But I do seem to get lots of room around my truck on the highway. Actually, I seem to get lots of room in the city as well now that I think about it.

But if you choose to go with the girly sign, it is available.

Sincerely,
Another Useless Man


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