QUESTION # 671: UNITING USP UNDER ICUSM

Dear Useless Men,

Very, very long time ago, in IT department of one Telecom company we founded small useless community. We called it US since then, which is short for Useless Speaking. We talked about magnesium, reverse kicks, randomizing and many other interesting things. We used to do useless speaking on meetings, by mail and in our regular office life. I've been googling for other useless people and then, in 2006 I found YOU, Useless Men...

My first question to you was : "What do you think about magnesium?" It was a test question, which let me identify how useless you are. I'm really happy to realize that we are not the only Useless Speaking People (USP) on the planet. I want to locate the other living forms of Useless Men and unite them under International Community of Useless Speaking Men (ICUSM). What do you think about this?

Regards,
Useless Speaking

Dear Boris Badenov,

Ah! Comrade! Long time, no speaking (useless or otherwise)! I trust all is well and the thaw has begun in lovely Pottsylvania? The western half of our country is in the grips of a typical Canadian Prairies Springtime here, having seen winter come and go twice in the past month. Sunny and 20 degrees Celsius one day, 20cm of snow the next!

But enough about me...

I see you've been dabbling in IT, eh? Not exactly your usual "bomb in a briefcase" style for dealing out mayhem and destruction on moose and squirrel, but effective none-the-less. I can't count the number of times my network guy has come to fix my PC, only to leave me feeling like I'd be better off hanging myself from the air vent above my desk. Well, actually, I probably could count the number of times, but the result would just be an increased desire to hang myself from the air vent above my desk.

Which begs the question: What is that air vent for, anyway? Well, air, obviously, but I haven't felt the slightest breeze from the thing the entire time I've worked here. There's even that little piece of pink ribbon tied to the grate that has me constantly looking up... Did it move? I think it moved... Yet my cubical is still only about 2 degrees cooler than the 7th circle of hell and smells like gym socks.

Okay, really now, enough about me...

You want to know what I think about uniting Useless Speaking People (USP) to form the International Community of Useless Speaking Men (ICUSM)?

I think that sounds like a lot of people you'll need to talk into sex-change operations.

And now, here's something we hope you'll really enjoy...

Sincerely,
Useless Intern


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QUESTION # 643: NIPPLE RESEARCH

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men have nipples? Are there any research books that will help enlighten your readers?

Ellie

Dear Ellie,

Men’s nipples exist for one reason: to be pierced. And it all stemmed from men’s inability (or unwillingness) to listen.

Basically, it began when cavemen discovered their cavewomen would not listen to their grunting. This resulted in the first case of physical violence as cavemen began dragging their cavewives by their hair. Whether they wanted food, sex, or their itchy loincloth washed, the super-sexy result was always the same – grabbing the cavewife’s luscious locks and dragging her into the cave.

But when the cavemen went off to hunt during the day, the cavewives began getting together to complain about their common problem: sore scalps and gravel-burn on their derrieres.

After some brainstorming, a plan was put into motion to pierce the cavemen’s nipples with some sharpened bone while they slept, then tie a rope through the holes so they could give the men a taste of their own medicine.

This resulted in the first housebroken man. Who's going to argue when your tender, pierced nipples are at stake? Logically, nobody. Learning to keep your mouth shut - so simple even a caveman can do it.

It’s an evolutionary thing. If not for nipples, men would still be running wild, hunting wild game, having wild sex, and doing whatever the darn bloody heck they wanted.

Thousands of years later, just look how sophisticated and different men are. It’s amazing, isn’t it? But despite how far men have evolved, there are some similarities between modern man and his ancient kin. We still have nipples. But now-a-days, they’re pierced for an entirely different reason: coolness.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 633: BACK WOODS SCARY MEN

Dear Useless Men,

Is it true that all guys like power tools, hunting, and forgetting to shave? Would you all turn into back woods scary men without women?

Just curious.

Signed,
Glad you need us.

Dear Glad to be Needed,

First, allow me to clarify: We like tools... all tools. Not just the powered kind. Sure, some of us are really into the DeWalt 18v Cordless Drill or a decent Delta 12in. Radial Arm Saw. Others, however, may prefer a good old Veritas Scrub Plane or Stanley FatMax Checkered Face Framing Hammer. And then you have our geekier brothers, who really get off on an HP Pavilion Gaming Tower with a Core2Duo E6600 processor, 2 Gigabytes of RAM, Dual 160 Gigabyte SATA hard drives, Lightscribe DVD burner, and a 256 Megabyte GeForce 7600GT graphics card.

(Note to potential sponsors: We here at Useless Advice from Useless Men are obviously not above shameless product plugs, nor are we apt to refuse any incidental "gifts" that may result from said shameless product plugs...)

Really, we like anything that moves or makes a lot of noise (preferably both), and that we can control. Be that a power tool, a hand tool, or simply an impressionable young blonde. We like it.

As for hunting, the fact of the matter is, men enjoy killing. We enjoy killing deer in the woods, zombies on a computer screen, and nose hairs in an elevator. We even enjoy killing those spiders you ladies are always freaking out about, despite our protests. Hunting, however, implies a willingness and a desire to do something with the kill. That's not for us. Sounds too much like work. And, as all men know, once it becomes work, it's just not fun anymore.

It is for this very reason that we invented the concept of catch and release. It is also the reason why we'll still make you grab those squishy spider guts in 16 layers of Kleenex and run tip-toe style all the way to the bathroom where you will give our latest kill a nice swirly burial at sea.

I guess that only leaves your shaving question. Do we like forgetting to shave? Hmm...

Well, there have been many times when I've caught myself saying, "Dang! I totally forgot to shave!" A couple of court appearances and a friend's wedding come immediately to mind, but I can't recall ever saying, "I forgot to shave today... Sweet! I love it when that happens!" Of course, I've led a pretty sheltered life, so I'll admit there may be the odd circumstance when just such a statement is possible. Like when you're on a blind-date with an ugly girl, or Free Shave and a Haircut Day at Yankee Stadium. Just thinking out loud there.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to head up to the cabin, chop a cord of wood, and clean all my guns. After which, I'm going to shave because MAN is this thing getting ITCHY!

Sincerely,
Useless Intern


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QUESTION # 632: LEST WE FORGET

Dear Useless Men,

Hi, Real happy and surprised to find a site for guys like me. I didn't really relize I was so useless. Ex got rid of me after 16years, even tryed to kill me. The law did nothing. Now, thats pretty useless in my eyes. I was a US Marine for 8 years. I thought I had some sort of purpose. WRONG!

Now my girlfriend of about 7 years, can not stand to be around me.

If I walk into a room, within 10 to 20 mins. Room is empty...except for me. I have just accepted, today, that no one can stand to be around me for any time at all. You know what? It hurts to.

With Respect

Dear With Respect,

While we strive to have fun at Useless Advice From Useless Men, there are a few things that we take very seriously. The obvious ones are electronics, sports and breaking wind. But a less obvious one is the freedom we have to be useless, the freedom to spout off in ridiculous fashion, mocking the accepted practices, and throwing wrenches in perfectly working cogs.

Today is November 12th. Yesterday was Remembrance Day.

Not all men are useless. We know that, and you know that. Only the half a dozen regular writers here are Useless Men, and that's just to give Useless Advice. Over the years, there have been many non-Useless Men (and women) that have taken up arms in an effort to defend and protect us. You, dear writer, are one of those men.

Your situation does sound rather useless. Useless police. Useless relationship. Useless, all around.

But there is one thing that I won’t take sitting down: that’s the sacrifice of those many hundreds, nay thousands, that have stepped up to do the things that I wouldn’t have the ‘nads to do. Those many soldiers past and present, that have represented the country that I live in through peace or while under threat of attack.

With Respect, you are one of those men. So it is, with heavy heart this day after Remembrance Day that I post your question, and my uselessly un-funny answer to say thank you to you and your fellow country-men, your fellow soldiers, commanders, Marines or otherwise, that sacrificed for me and our Useless readers. Regardless of our stance on war, we recognize the toll that is paid by those that choose to be all that they can be. (I know, that’s ARMY not Marines, but you get the idea!)

Today, instead of accepting that no one can stand to be around you, understand that you have stood in a place that many others would never stand. And you came back to tell about it.

What lies ahead? Who knows. We’re useless! But it hurts us to see a veteran, young OR old, be ignored.

You won’t find that here. The Useless Men salute you. Even if doing so, makes us look more like Benny Hill than soldiers.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 628: WHOSE FART IS IT ANYWAY?

Dear Useless Men,

Every time he farts my husband blames the dog. Lame as that is, he seems to have forgotten the dog died three months ago.

Signed,
Getting Gassed Nightly

Dear Getting Gassed Nightly,

If I were in any way medically inclined, which I can assure you I am not, I could tell you that gas continues to escape from decomposing bodies long after they’ve died and that the dead dog should probably be moved off the couch and buried somewhere.

I hope I’m wrong about the current and unhygienic state of the dog, and also that your husband hasn’t developed that disease that makes you forget everything, things like your poor poochy’s passing. What is the name of that disease?

Hilarious alliterations aside, it’s my understanding that when couples have been together for a while, excitement fades as complacency sets in. If someone could get away with squeaking one out after six months of marriage, who’s to say they couldn’t get away with something a little bigger or raunchier a year later?

What I’m saying is, marriage is a two-way street and I think both of you are equally responsible for the current situation. Perhaps he’s blaming his farts on the dog in retaliation for you blaming yours on the chair, that “squeaky” floor board, or Mittens the goldfish. Changing your behaviour could result in him changing his.

Start by accepting responsibility for your own gassy emanations and see if he changes his tune. Reverse psychology also works by congratulating and complimenting him on his anal explosions before he gets the chance to blame the dog. Try giving out a loud “Hoo-YAA! And a round of high-fives! I suspect he’ll feel his talent is appreciated, and things will change.

All men want is to be recognized for their efforts and accomplishments. Not a man alive wouldn’t be proud to be in the Guinness Book of World Records holding the title of ”World’s Biggest Earth-Shattering Fart”. It’s something a man can have carved onto their tombstone, to be eternally remembered for. It’s something they can brag about to friends, and to their new girlfriend if their wives eventually leave them. And they’ll always be remembered as the “ex” who ripped massive farts.

Being remembered. It’s a good thing.

Pull My Finger,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 616: USELESS MEN RULE

Dear Useless Men,

Could you please tell me what mans rule number 601 means?

thank you
By The Rules

Dear By The Rules,

Rule 601 from The Great Big Book O’ Rules for Men Written by Men for Men Without Rules Who Are Looking for Rules is a little one, but just as important as the other 17,000++ rules. It simply states, "Men can compliment another man's shirt only if it has a funny joke or a cool skull."

You see, men just don't notice other people's clothes. Men are very keen to notice if there are men or women not wearing clothes, especially men. And women.

We can only comment on a shirt if it has an entertaining joke/picture or social commentary. That's the exception because the wearer wants you to notice it and therefore you have simply done what was being asked ....

Alright, you got me. Thank you very much! I went and bought The Great Big Book O Rules for Men written by Men for Men Without Rules Who Are Looking for Rules, but I couldn't get through it. There are 17,000 rules! AND I'm out $375 too!! That’s $375 CANADIAN!!! Not that low ranking US currency stuff. I use that to blow my nose. (I used to use it to light fires, but it started to cost me too much.)

Since buying the book, I skimmed it a bit, which is how I was almost able to pull off this lie of an answer. Fat lot of good that did

But I've lost the book now. No doubt my wife has found it and will be using it against me soon. For all I know, rule 601 could be "Don't lose your book or else your wife might find it and use it against you".

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 613: POTTY HUMOUR

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men and boys like potty humour about things like farts and assorted Three Stooges stuff? I took my nephew to the Simpsons movie and thought it was pretty lame. He liked it. I don't know why.

Reading a Book at the Movies

Dear Reading a Book at the Movies,

I saw the Simpson's Movie too! The thing is, you have to be a fan of the show to truly appreciate the subtle humour of the big screen adaptation. The producers certainly made all efforts to make the movie accessable to fans and non-fans alike, but who are we kidding? If you can't stand the show, you won't like the movie.

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but the opening was brilliant and the brief controversial nudity was ingeniously played out. There is a sharp satirical wit to the Simpson's that I find enhances such jokes as, say, the belching pig.

All the same, C’MON! The pig was doing an impression of Homer! Who doesn't love a mimicking pig? (I might add the pig’s impression of Marge was far funnier though). I found the Simpson's movie paced well and was like watching a decent episode of the show. It was far better then the dreg of a "Family Guy Movie" that was released straight to video. For a movie that was supposed to be the only post cancellation material after several years, it wasn't that funny. In fact, since Family Guy’s return, the sharp satire and pop cultural references all seem forced and lazy with an emphasis on the toilet humour that was so joyfully balanced on Family Guy’s pre-cancellation seasons.

A real shame if you ask me.

The opposite can said that the belching pig jokes soften the satirical edge and social commentaries the Simpson's made famous. Without them, the show would just be mean and not the heartwarming "oh no you di’n't" silliness that it is. And after 19 years, the Simpson's feels fresh and rejuvenated. The movie took 10 years to make and it was worth the wait.

So my suggestion to you, if you need further proof of the brilliance of slapstick funny, then sit yourself down for Episode 9F22 of the Simpson's entitled "Cape Feare" and watch the bit where Sideshow Bob steps on the rakes and gets slapped in the face.

If that doesn't crack a smile, then I've got nothing more to add.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 611: DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Dear Useless Men,

Guys get away with everything. They wear track pants and a bulky sweater and they are "playing it cool." If they have a two day scruff they are "rustic and outdoorsy." And if they didn't have time to brush their hair in two days, they are "trendy." Women on the other hand spend countless hours doing their hair, makeup and buying fancy outfits just so they can avoid hearing, "Oh dear, she's really let herself go, hasn't she?"

What gives? What is the secret to your success?

Signed,
Ban the Spa

Dear Ban the Spa,

You’ve pointed out some excellent qualities men possess and I can understand your jealousy.

But did you know that women who wear track pants and bulky sweaters are 68% more successful at attracting that elusive lesbian lover? And with two days worth of scruff, many have successfully landed circus jobs as the sideshow attraction.

Going two days with no hair brushing gives the distinct impression that a woman has successfully watched a 48-hour Melrose Place marathon – a feat no living man has ever successfully completed because that dang Billy is just too annoying, Michael’s just too unethical, and Jake makes me men feel insecure.

Yes, any man who has survived such torture has always resorted to voluntarily buying the farm. (That’s a less harsh way of saying suicide…)

So you see, men aren’t the only ones who are successful. That may be because it’s simply your point of view, or that success is a relative term.

Take, for instance, little Dougie who always succeeds at sneaking that leftover fat and gristle to his beloved dog, who then dies of an exploding aorta. Or the pimple-faced Burger King clerk who successfully robs a bank and races down the highway at questionable legal speeds, eventually finding himself laying in two pieces, surrounded by black hats after clipping the back of a horse-drawn Mennonite wagon.

Yes, you can be successful, but at what price to small dogs and Mennonites?

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 608: CELLULAR FUNKY CHICKENS

Dear Useless Men,

A girl from work hooked me with this guy she was friends with for the past 7 years. Seemed like a nice enough guy at first so I talk and dated him. When the sex talk began I told him I do not want to unless I am with the person as a couple.

After about two weeks of dating we did the funky chicken. He stopped calling and was only texting me for three days straight. I texted him and asked him if he was still interested. He said yes so I called him and we talked. In that talk he went from "yes I want to be with you" to "no I do not see myself with you" to "lets be friends". I am pretty blunt and asked him not to give me a line if he was not into me just to say that. I asked him to come over after he was done with his friends and he said yes. I started think maybe this is a lie so I sent him some text messages that told him that I know he not coming over and that he was using me. He never responded to them so the next day I sent him and email that was not nice.

I called him out cause I wanted him to admit and just say he used me. In the email I told him what I thought and also sent him a copy of another email that I sent my friend a few days earlier. In the email I made mention about " I do not what was worse the 5 mins of sex or the his non-stop talking about his ex" and " If that is average, then I do not want it"

Then I sent an email to the girl that hooked up us. Telling her the nice version of everything. She responded and said he is a nice guy and would not do that. I texted him and asked him if we could clear the air. He called me and we talked for a bit. Then he cam over and we had sex again. Then he just texted me for two day then came over again to help me move somethings. We talked about things and I thought things were cool again. Yes, I had sex with him again. But he has not called me at all since then and only one text to say that he was going to call later but never did. (two days ago)

He just got divorced two months ago after his wife let him for a woman. Because of this "he says" he not ready for anything at this time. He says he thought he was ready but he was wrong. That he feels dead inside since his break up. He keeps flip flopping and I do not know what to believe is the truth.

I feel like I am going crazy cause I am used to men wanting to be with me and treat me like a queen. This one come along and ignores me and is not what I want in a mate at all.Yet I am attracted to him so some unknown reason but can not stand him either.

I feel stupid cause I rushed into something and the fact I feel like I am just a booty call. Which is not okay by me at all cause for one I am way hotter than him. lol.

Please help me understand because I am completely and totally stupid of this thing.

Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used,

As a man, here is what I see from your letter. You gave in. Regardless of whatever else you say, he got it, and that’s it.

Now most women see that as being used but it really isn’t. I think of it like the way you are using your cell phone. You told the man in question that you would not have funky chicken with him unless he committed to you. Did you get a contract signed? Of course not. You are a person, not a cell phone company.

The cell phone people have it figured out. They’ll give some funky chicken rate on your airtime, and even throw in a free phone to attract you to their lair instead of their competitors, like that MILF Ma Bell. That Ma Bell will steal the souls of all the men that think they are using her because she has a monopoly. And that includes a monopoly on your guy.

With a long-term cell phone contract, you get a lot of benefits like cheaper rates, but you are locked into the plan. If you want out, there is a penalty. Where is your penalty? When this guy stopped being committed, what are the consequences? From your letter, it appears he received increased service. And that would NEVER happen with a cell phone company.

What I think you should do is consider offering better reception, and a free phone, to the guy that will sign on for a long-term commitment.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 604: WHO MOVED THE COUCH?

Dear Useless Men,

When I first met my husband, he couldn't keep his eyes off me and was always telling me how pretty I was, what a nice dress I was wearing, etc. Now we've been married for about 5 years and I came home the other day after getting a makeover and he didn't even notice! I mean, come on! I'm a blonde now, for crying out loud, and all he said when I asked if he noticed anything different was, "You moved the couch?"

How can I get him to look at me like he did when we were first dating?

Yours Truly,
Tired of Being Invisible

Dear Tired Of Being Invisible,

Did you move the couch?

This question is easily answered if that was the case. A man takes pride in the proper placement of couches, chairs and end tables especially in relation to entertainment systems. Once a man notices that something is askew with his entertainment haven, he cannot think of anything else. This disorientation can last upwards of a couple days after the askew-ness has been skewed.

If your husband was caught off guard by your question, and simply blabbled out something about the couch when nothing had been done to the couch, then let me explain the man's mentality. First off, your husband thinks you're beautiful. He married you, didn't he? When you were dating, each date was a new experience for him to learn and grow and notice all your wonderful assets! And let's be honest here: you were trying to impress him, too.

Now that you’re married, routine has settled in and though he may not know everything about you, he's comfortable thinking he does. As far as he's concerned, there is nothing more he could possibly learn. He knows you're smart and pretty, look great in everything you wear, and that nothing looks fat on you, so what difference does it make what colour your hair is? It's all good.

But if you really want him to look at you like he did when you were dating, then try dating again. I suggest you file for divorce and do it all over again.

And for goodness sakes, don't move the couch!

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 591: EVERY BATHROOM IS A STAGE

Dear Useless Men,

Why do my nephew, husband, brother and Dad all have to go to the bathroom right when supper or lunch or breakfast is ready? Is it Pavlovian? I don't even ring a bell? Each time I call them for the meal they all suddenly have to go to the bathroom. I know it isn't just to wash their hands, that would be a bonus though.

Signed,
Waiting at the Table

Dear Waitress,

A very good question! I can tell you are very observant and yes, you're right. It is not to wash our hands. HA HA HA! That's fantastic…

It is also not to do what is commonly called, "Clearing Some Space" or, "Clean The Pipes", or whatever else one might politely call a #2.

The reason men run to the bathroom when called for a meal is because they need to prepare for their performance. It's not Pavlovian, it's more like Pavarottian. Instead of Chowtime, you could just as easily yell, “Showtime!”

For men, eating is not about sustenance or survival. Just look at the crap we stuff ourselves with. It's like performance art, and sometimes a sport, but mostly art.

We run to the bathroom to get into character, recite tongue twisters to loosen our jaws and even down a few glasses of water to open our throats. All this is in preparation for the performance of our lives. Each time we sit down for a meal we think, “This could be my last. Let's make it count.”

You may have noticed that most men run to the bathroom after the meal as well. That's to breathe out tension, get out of character and congratulate our self on a great performance. This usually takes longer then the preparation because of the intense emotions built up during our performance.

In fact, if we are at an all-you-can-eat buffet, it may be necessary to include an intermission during our performance in order for us to relieve some of the tension built during the first half of the show. This is due mostly because the second half can be quite intense.

Now some men tend to draw from within in order to prepare for these performances. We call them method actors; you call them over-eaters. We say they are the best of the best. We all can learn from such skill.

So the next time you get the boys ready for their upcoming performances, be sure to tell them to "choke on a dinner roll!" for good luck.

Enjoy the show!

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 574: LOST BOY IN PLAYLAND

Dear Useless Men,

I'm moving to a new house, in a new town. Do I really need to give my husband the new address? It would be kind of fun to see how long it would take him to find the right house.

Moving Gal

Dear Moving Gal,

Interesting question. To answer it, I would say, “Yes, you need to give your husband the new address.”

I can see where you'd think it would be fun to play this little "Can you find the new house game", but I, in good conscience, must warn you that the results will most likely disappoint you.

Men have a strong sense of dependency. A sixth sense, if you will. I must ask you to consider, do you really want to know what your husband is most dependant on?

When a dog gets left behind accidentally at a relatives place or given away to a better home, the dog takes it upon itself to journey back to its "home". And you wonder, how did they find their way back through all those hundreds of miles, mountains, rivers and forest? It is that simple sense of dependency that guides them.

Men, on the same hand, but a different part of the hand, have more options for dependency then dogs do. We have the food dependency, and the loving home dependency, but those could easily translate into the home furnishing's department of Home Depot (which also supplies a Harvey's, I might add) or into the McDonald's with the PlayLand at the corner of Main and King. Fun, and food.

Me? I'd make my way to the HMV Superstore. All men have their vices and you'll have to decide if you are your husband’s. You take away the current safe haven and your husband will find a new one, and you'll eventually have to go and pick him up from the Canadian Tire, or the Hobby Shop, or the Keg Mansion. You get the idea.

So unless you are married to Homer Simpson, I'd give your husband the new address. With clear directions. Even with those, there is a good chance that you may never see him again.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 568: CALL ME A SHIPWRECK

Dear Useless Men,

I'm watching one of those late night ads for the call me for a good time girls. You know the kind that say they are always waiting for YOUR call. All the women are about 20 or younger with huge boobs and nothing else to do with their time but get out of swimming pools, slowly and twirl phone cords while smirking at the camera.

My question is... Do men REALLY think any of those women are eager for their call? If they do, why are men such simpletons?

Just Curious.

Dear Just Curious,

Just how curious are you? ... Sorry, this is neither the time or place for that and I apologize.

The short answer is: YES.

The not as short, but still rather minimal answer is: men don't THINK these women are waiting for our calls. We KNOW these women are waiting for our calls, because we ARE Simpletons.

The much longer answer, more so than you cared to hear, is this: To truly understand the "Call me for a Good Time Girls" phenomenon, we have to go as far back as ancient Greece and a small village called {B>{I}< which, when translated, is Simple.

It was here that Homer created his lesser known work called {B>{I}<>{I}<8} "Simpleton's". Homer's "Simpleton's" is a precursor to his more popular work "Odyssey" and tells the harrowing tale of the first ever encounter of the legendary Siren's by Simpleton Voyagers.

The people of Simple were a simple folk. The village was literally the very definition of simple. They were hard working, kind and adventurous. If it weren't for the Simpleton's skilled boat building techniques, most of the Mediterranean would be vastly undiscovered today. It was on one of their many seafaring journey's where it is said that the crew of the ~Simple I~ all went missing. All but one crewman.

The only survivor was a blind, deaf mute. The poor soul tried to convey the horrors of the trip to the village leaders by drawing a picture, but the squiggly mess was all Greek to them.

It was decided that a similar journey should take place, but this time they thought it best to bring along a poet (hence the origin of the phrase, "Should have brought a Poet"). A young, blind scholar by the name of Homer who was famous for his photographic memory (back then, they just called him the guy who remembers everything) was chosen for his ability to remember everything he hears. The journey would last days and eventually Homer washed up on the shore near Simple and once he was nursed back to health he regaled the townsfolk with the tale of a normal sea voyage gone wrong.

It all started when the crew started hearing the most lovely of music sung by what they all thought were the voices of the gods themselves. The captain of the vessel steered towards the seductive sound and came upon an Ilse where beautiful women sat and sang melodies as sweet as sugar. An unsettling silence fell over the ship and it was then that Homer heard the crew members start screaming, "The women! They are Monsters!", followed by sounds of bones breaking and flesh being torn.

If not for the good sense of the Captain who threw the young, blind Poet overboard where he drifted aimlessly till he washed ashore, the world would go on not knowing the danger of Siren's.

Like the Siren's of lore, who lured sailors to their deaths, so do the ladies of the late night "Call Me" ads. Like the ancient Greek village of Simple proved, all men are essentially Simpleton's and doomed to the lure of the seductive Siren's song.

The only difference? Modern day Siren's don't gouge men’s eyes out, but rather their wallets. Let’s be very clear here, as well. The risk of certain death is very much real, even to this day, because, if my Wife finds out how much money I've spent on these Siren's, she'd kill me.

Ahhh, but I've taken enough of your time now. Lo! Tis the sweet sound of the Nightingale calling! Her name is Brandy.

See Ya!

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 555: FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS GET USEFUL

Dear Useless Men,

I am very worried about a friend of mine. He is a really nice guy, he listens, advices, likes shopping, hates soccer, knows how to dress, uses facial creams, etc. Recently, he left his girlfriend because he needed to sort out his life, learn to live alone and grow workwise before sharing himself with someone else. What bothers me is that that is something I thought only us girls were allowed to do. That's our thing, right? Guys don't do that! They are supposed to act distant so that we think there's something wrong, not to give reasons that make us unable to hate them! Maybe there's something wrong with him? Or maybe it's true what they say and the difference between a metrosexual and a homosexual are only two gintonics?

Thank you!

Love,
Better Drink Whiskey

Dear Better Drink Whiskey,

Thanks for the love! We may be Useless, but we are also emotional beings sensitive to the needs of those around us. With all the giving we do, it's great to get some love in return! Now to answer your question about your friend.

There is no need to worry. He'll be just fine. You see, it is a common misconception that men do not need to find themselves and grow. In fact, guys need and do this more then most women.

That distant look on men's faces is not some hidden issue women insist is there. It's the look of a man who is thinking of complete and utterly useless things. It's the look of a man who hasn't taken the time to experiment with inventions or stunts or to reflect on philosophies introduced in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated or Star Wars Insider.

But not all men are innovators and some may simply discover the delicious mix of spaghetti noodles and Thousand Island Dressing or that "Elmo In Grouchland" is really not that bad of a film. Men need this time to discover their full potential and near fatal limitations.

It sounds to me that your friend is one of the testosterone heavy males, like me. This makes things easy. I listen. Well, I listen to music. And I give advice to everyone (especially those who did not ask). I like shopping for CD's and DVD's and Collectible Figurines. Who doesn't hate soccer? But , it IS a sport. And I've been dressing myself since I was nine, and I smear whipped cream on my face so my cat will pay attention to me. I know exactly where your friend is at. Emotionally that is. I don't know where he lives.

I took my alone time to discover bad sci-fi/fantasy movies and broadened my musical leanings. I even learned that Shannon Tweed is in every erotic thriller ever made. What I didn't learn was how to cook, clean or do laundry. It sounds like your friend is just taking that time now as opposed to commandeering the garage later in life to begin projects and fix nothing.

The real concern here is that you, who is ever so kind and generous with your love, are being fooled or over-thinking this stage in your friends life. You should hate him too. Sorting his life means he's alphabetizing his record collection. Growing work wise means he's spending extra time at work catching up because he spent all week checking if tickets were on sale yet for the Virgin Black concert and reading the studio diary of Lord Of The Rings based heavy-metal band, Battlelore, new album's recording sessions. Learning to live alone means he's seeing how long he can sit in front of the TV watching season's of Lost, 24, and the Soprano's without actually having to get up off the couch for anything. Anything.

Your friend is perfectly fine and will be completely useless before you know it. You, however, should beware. As his friend, you may need to bail him out at various times (not jail necessarily) or be tricked into bring him take-out during one of his weekend marathons.

With all our love, I just want you to be warned and prepared for anything your friend might ask of you. Yes, ANYTHING.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 553: CARPENTRY CONUNDRUM

Dear Useless Men,

Maybe you have covered this before - Still, I'm asking... I have a friend who was making a beautiful cabinet. While putting a final piece on a screw broke off. He went into a fit of rage, took the board out back and destroyed it with an ax. Then he made whole new board and finished the piece.

Why didn't he just destroy the screw?

Puzzled Observer

Dear Non-Carpenter Type Person,

It is apparent that you never took shop class when you were younger.

The first rule when making a project is that if a component of said project causes you trouble, it is to be destroyed and replaced with a more docile replacement. This is often misinterpreted by non-professionals, or the uninformed, as an act of aggression, of rage on the behalf of the carpenter, when it is actually a public service.

What many do not know is that it is completely possible to have a bad piece of furniture. I'm not talking about those red velvet love seats our family had back in the seventies, nor am I trying to bring shame to those of us that love our lava lamps with all our hearts. I'm talking about “bad” like Damien in The Omen here. Evil to the very fiber of its wood grain.

A bad board will eventually spread its evil like a toxin throughout the entire piece of furniture. Ever tried to move a piece of furniture only to have it mysteriously slip out of your grasp? Maybe you had a couch that went into a room years ago which, despite no renovations having taken place, doesn't fit out of that very room? Kids are often victims of evil furniture when at school. A bad desk can cause all sorts of bad behaviour in students as it tries to spread its evil. It isn't the desk's fault. The desk figures the student, having spent so much time there, is obviously an upgrade that is to be corrupted like the rest of the furnishing. .

I am suffering at the hands of an evil kitchen chair at home that picks the most inopportune times to create loud noise and horrible smells which my wife blames me for as the kids laugh. It's a terrible thing to be in ownership of one of these pieces of furniture.

It all goes back to the wood a piece of furniture is made from. Wood boards come from trees (unless it's Ikea wood, in which case some wondrous form of chemistry and magic is employed to bind only the most evil of sawdust together). Trees can be truly nasty creatures which choose to spend their days falling on rooftops and cars as well as allowing all manner of wildlife a place to sit and redecorate our cars with their processed meals.

Upon felling one of these evil trees they are promptly milled into boards and shipped off to unsuspecting lumber yards and building supply stores. Such is the evil capability of these trees that no one truck is allowed to haul more than six boards from any one evil tree in a load, lest the truck never make its destination.

So to answer your question, sure your friend could have taken his anger out on the screw, but that would have been misdirected indeed. The screw was simply a victim of the evil wood that it was being unsuspectingly threaded into. It would be like firing an employee for using a faulty stapler to defend you with during a hostile takeover, the resultant failure of which hurls you into a career that has you contemplating tall buildings with no safety railings as a perfect spot for your new office. So take you friend out for a beer and congratulate him for being the civic minded soul that he is.... unless he's constructing something for the in laws, in which case, show him the error of his ways and help him wrestle that sinister plank back into place.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat.


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QUESTION # 547: BIODEGRADABLE REASONING

Dear Useless Men,

Yeah, I just wondered about that photo you printed on 4/11 with all the urinals featuring the cardboard "Out of order" signs. Won't the cardboard get wet? And once that happens, NOBODY will be able to read them.

Follow-up question: Are those cardboard signs... Bio-degradable?

Mr. Incredulous

Dear Mr. Incredulous,

While I would like to claim that the photo was just a ruse that was set up for our use on the Useless website, the fact is, I had to go pee, and there was no urinal available. Fortunately, the sinks were in perfect working order.

Clearly the signs won’t get wet because the urinals are “Out Of Order”.

The whole sign in the urinal idea is completely male! I suspect that the man that is in charge of fixing the broken urinals went through a very manly process of reasoning.

1) The urinals don’t work, so people will need to know. Put up a sign.

2) Putting sign on door of washroom, unnecessary. What if a man just needs to wash his hands? Put sign on urinal.

3) What kind of sign? I have these leftover boxes from restocking the women’s restroom with toilet paper. Just rip that up into little cardboard signs.

4) Men are dumb. Can’t put sign “on” urinal. Must put sign “IN” urinal to be sure that a man sees it.

So clearly, as it would be reasoned, men would see the sign before they were to wet it.

And who cares if the signs are biodegradable? They’re not being thrown out. They’ll go into a nice pile at the back of the stock closet for use in the future.

This is the sort of talk about “reduce and reuse” that I’d like to hear from Al Gore. Or more of Bruce Willis’ theory on global humidity.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 528: DISHONESTY AND DISMANTLING SOCIETY

Dear Useless Men,

I discovered your blog a few days ago while looking for something entirely different on the internet. Ah, the treasures we find when we are not seeking them. You can count me as one of your newest fans. (I have also shared your address with various friends and coworkers). Your blog is a refreshing break from a busy day.

I work outside DC, where craziness has made a permanent home for itself. We never know what is going to happen next. Now I can turn to Useless Men to find a sense of... reality? Well, if not reality, I can get a laugh or two, various perspectives, and, well, read some fairly well written posts.

(Good writing is hard to find these days) When I learned that you are Canadian... that just added to the attraction! I did not realize that Canadian men could do anything more than drink beer and play/watch hockey! (In all fairness, the most attractive guy I have ever seen in person was from Montreal... is that still Canada? Last I heard Quebec wanted out and BC wanted to be the 51st state - though I have no idea why given that you guys are Canadian. That is reason enough not to secede.)

Thus, I want to say hello and say thank you. I have found a new source of entertainment; an escape from the lunacy of the DC area. I can venture into the world of Useless Men (though men are actually far from useless) giving advice in well written prose... and from Canada! Who could ask for more.

And here, is the question that will stump you. Though I know that you can not speak to the quirky behavior of our stressed out, work-aholic American men... you might be able to find a means of addressing the issue at large:

There seems to be a trend of late in that men, in their mid-thirties, can not find it within themselves to champion honesty in their dealings with women. My question is "why? When I am getting to know someone, one of the first things I tell them is that I am all about honesty and realistic expectations. I do not play the "games" of dating. And yet, they are not honest with me about their desires or expectations.

DC Debutante

Dear DC Debutante,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad our raging ineptitude is a source of entertainment to you, and while we worry about the damage we are doing to the world with our rampant uselessness, we are glad people are smiling to their doom.

Now pertaining to your question, this is a challenge that we, as Canadian males, share with our American counterparts. It is possibly a global epidemic but I can't say, as the farthest I usually get from my house is the hockey arena and/or beer store.

In the drive to "sensitize" the North American Male we have been caught in the crossfire of society-versus-inner self. Males like to run around and scratch places that people seem to object to and eat things that doctors say not to. This self-destructive behaviour is what makes life worth living! But we are told to cease such activities. With bad foods leading to health and body issues, and the scratching causing cancer and other unknown maladies, we are constantly the target of women's efforts to save us.

This was never a problem in the past. There were more men than women. Now that we are seeing a shift, the women are realizing that fighting over a dwindling supply of men is not an attractive option, as women tend to fight dirty. As such, they are trying to save what's left before it is too late.

Women have realized that if current trends were left unchecked, the North American Male would become a thing of the past, like an NHL Goon or a Crosscut-Toothed Beaver.

Men are faced with a dilemma. Do we follow the advice and "suggestions" of our females or do we continue our self-destructive ways and enjoy our lives? As men, we usually carry on in our old ways and simply lie about our activities.

The other part of this honesty problem lies in the same forces that empowered women and made them want to join in the cutthroat world we live in. With women being more aggressive and able to speak their minds we are now afraid to speak out against them. When asked if we are honest, we panic, and say, “Yes,” because we fear getting hurt by the dirty fighting women and their Lee Press-On nails. As such, we get caught in a web of dishonesty.

Sure you claim to want an honest man, but do you really mean that? Imagine a world where honest answers are given to the potentially lethal question offered up by women:

Q: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
A: "Honey, you don't need a dress for that."

Q: "Are you listening to me?"
A: "Not particularly, the game is on."

Q: "Are you ready to go to my Mom's?"
A: "I can't believe you're ready for that, let alone expect me to be!"

Q: "Where were you last night?"
A: "Me and the guys were playing softball when we decided we'd rather go for a few pints. Since most of the guys were young, they wanted to go to the strip club. One thing led to another and now I'm calling you from Tijuana. Can you send down some bail money, hon?"

I can't picture any man surviving these conversations. Such honesty would further the thinning of the male ranks, thus worsening the problem. Women would be pitted against one another for the few scraps of men left. After a while there would only be a handful of men for every hundred women and there would have to be fight nights to determine who would get the remaining men.

While this appeals to the remaining men, as it would mean getting to watch cat fights every night, I can't picture this being the future women are looking to be a part of. We are only looking out for your interests. The next time your man lies and says that the dress you don't like makes you look pretty, you should hug him, not scold him.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 523: THE MOTHER OF ALL FANTASY

Dear Useless Men,

I'm a female construction worker, and, because of that, I work with quite a few men. During slow times of the day and at lunch breaks, someone always brings up a variation of "the Lesbian Fantasy". Why do men find that so hot? And the girls in the fantasy were truly lesbian, why do these guys think the girls would even pay attention to them?

Sincerely,
Confused in Vegas

Dear Confused in Vegas,

Boy, do I ever know what you're talking about with men and their lesbian fantasies. Something like that defies almost all logic! It's hard core psychology stuff. A mystery this large called for the master - Sigmund Freud.

When I tried to call Siggy on the phone he said, "Sorry, I'm busy watching A Tale of Two Titties."

With a title like that, I assume it was an art film), so I had to read up on his old writings to try to glean some enlightenment on your question. Out of all of Siggy's writings, the biggest thing I got was, "It all boils down to Mother."

Following this, men that fixate on lesbian fantasies must be thinking of their mothers. What else is a fantasy except something that is not real but that we secretly wish were real?

It follows that these guys, who are fantasizing about lesbians, secretly wish their mothers were gay. Now, of course, if their mothers had truly been hardcore lesbians, having nothing to do with men (or male by-product), these guys would never have been born.

Which brings us to the root of the issue: these guys are nihilistic and wish they'd never been born. It's not “Confusion in Vegas”. Just fear and self-loathing!

Your co-workers clearly have delicate psyches and need gentle handling. The next time they start in on the lesbian fantasies, be sympathetic. You could even empathize and talk about how you "also" have lesbian fantasies. This will show them that they are not alone in their confusing self-loathing, and help them see that you're a supportive friend, open and receptive to their deeper mental state.

I strongly suggest trying this because, as we know, men are nothing if not complex, highly sensitive creatures whose hearts could be lightened, and sense of self strengthened, if only we women would talk about lesbian fantasies with them.

Yours truly,
The Occasionally Useless Gal


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QUESTION # 522: PURSEHOLDITIS

Dear Useless Men,

You all seem like a group of manly males with plenty of testosterone (of course I am excluding One Useless Gal), so I ask you the question that has bothered the entire population of y-chromosome creatures: Should a man agree to hold the purse of a female companion, when asked? If so, how long can a man do that before he starts to look like a total weenie and other men start to point and stare and then laugh? Is there an antidote for the post-purse-condition? I, I mean a friend of mine, has tried beer, alcohol, and other semi-legal forms of intoxication, but the scar runs too deep. Do you have any other recommendation? My friend has now started becoming useful, doing things around the house to help out his spouse. He is starting to question ideas like going out bowling with the guys, or skipping work and seeing a ball game. Is there hope?

Mr. Shrinkingballs

Dear Mr. Shrinkingballs,

Your friend is doomed. But who are we kidding? It’s you, isn’t it? You're doomed.

You've gotten yourself into a precarious situation that's going to take some blood, sweat and tears to reverse the effects. If you are not willing to put in 150% percent, then you may as well start shopping for training bras. Do not consume any more alcohol until you're recovered from your purse holding condition. This is because you already appear unmanly and alcohol will only emphasize it in front of your buddies.

The purse holding syndrome (what we like to call Purseholditis) is transmitted by distance and grip, not by frequency as is widely thought. A man can hold a purse daily, without worry, if he holds it correctly and is not moving in one direction for more than 10 steps at a time.

Firstly, if you are requested to hold a purse, make sure you know the woman or else you could get into a lot more trouble than simply looking unmanly. Secondly, do not move around. If you fidget, like me, then walk in small circles, taking a few strides over to check pictures on walls, making it perfectly clear that you are checking out the other ladies in the store, or parking, or wherever you are requested to hold the purse. Never, ever walk with the purse more than a few strides. Ten steps tops. That's only if you’re holding in a cool way.

If you find yourself in a situation where a lady friend hands you her purse with a "Hold this for a second" and keeps walking, you have 2 options. Do not accept the purse, allowing it to drop to the ground pretending you didn't hear her, or take the purse and stop dead where you are. You’ll likely irritate her with either option, but the real point here is that if she can still walk, she can still carry her purse.

If the purse has a strap, do not place it over your shoulder. If it is a clutch purse, do not hold it under your arm. Acceptable methods of holding a purse are with one hand grasped by the top of the body of the purse. Do not hold the straps ever. Feel free to hold it like a football, but only if you are wandering and make gestures.

A man should only hold a purse if their female companion is a) putting on a coat, b) tying a shoe or c) trying on clothes in a change room. Only in these circumstances is it ok to hold the purse and wander a bit. The 10-step rule still applies and it is perfectly acceptable to sit with the purse, but the purse cannot be on your lap.

If you are sitting with the purse, lay it beside you and flip through a manly magazine but not a muscle mag. Too risky. If you don't have a magazine, start ogling the other ladies around you. They'll think you’re an insensitive jerk, but strangely appealing, and that's fine.

As a last resort, you can place the purse strap around your forehead and hang the purse around your forehead and down your back. That's fun.

To turn the effects of purseholditis around, I need you to start holding purses as often as possible. Don't ask to do it, but step up if the need arises. This will have two effects.

1) You'll appear attune to women's needs.
2) You’ll have a chance to look manly reversing the symptoms of Purseholditis.

This may take a while though. Stay strong and focused.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 521: FRAGRANT FRUSTRATIONS

Dear Useless Men,

Why do men stink more than women? What makes men's sweat, farts and belches so gross anyway?

Signed,
All Stunk Up

Dear All Stunk Up,

This is a real poser. A puzzle for the ages. Or is it? You see, it goes back to the old rhyme

Sugar and Spice and everything nice
That's what little girls are made of

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails
That's what little boys are made of

This bit of poetic prose provides a lot more insight into the differences between the sexes than we realize.

On the surface it states that girls are sweet and nice, whilst boys are rough and scruffy, but it goes deeper. The changes go deep to the inside of our very being. The boys are indeed made of the listed ingredients and, as such, smells can arise from such a blend. If you were to pile these ingredients on your back step and leave them for a while you'll find things get a little funky. Just how funky will depend on the mix, which is why men vary in pungency. Some with a higher snail to snip mixture will give a thick and lingering smell which will stick to your sinuses, much like the trails a snail leaves when it crawls across stuff. Those that contain more snips are usually less fragrant than the others, while a higher puppy dog tail ratio will indicate a fuzzier and playful aroma, the kind that makes farts funny. Just funky enough to make you giggle whilst not causing you to retch uncontrollably.

Diet can alter the potency and "flavour" of a specific male, but there is always a certain baseline we are dealing with. This baseline can be altered with things like pickled eggs, beans and chili. Why do these make us lean more to the "make me gag" style of expulsions? Simple. Snails like these foods!

Let's not forget that there is a first half to this playful little rhyme. What does this tell us of women?

Well, that's easy. For generations men have tried to figure out why women act in a manner that makes no sense to us males. Their irrational behaviour and seemingly random mood swings are caused by their sugar content. Sugar, if left long enough, will begin to ferment and the product of such fermentation is alcohol. So it turns out that women aren't insane, they're just drunk. And the older they get, the more fermentation takes place, which is why they get stranger over time.

Take it easy on your guys there, ladies. When he goes out with the lads and gets drunk, he isn't being disrespectful. He's just trying to understand your life a little better by applying the same filters that allow your logic to flourish.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


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