QUESTION # 648: PYROTECHNIC YULE LOGS ARE ON BACK ORDER

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR!
USELESS MEN TACKLE THE HOLIDAYS
FOR CHRISTMAS WEEK 2007!
Only 13 more days until our Christmas shopping starts.


Dear Useless Men,

Christmas is coming and I want to make my house look better than all my neighbours houses. I'd like to 'Griswald' my home, if you will. Got any ideas?

Chevy

Dear Chevy,

Loved you in Fletch!

First, I would suggest a brief tour of the locale. Take a look at the competition and borrow from them. I'm not condoning theft, especially that of items you will proudly display outside of your home. This is tour is to pilfer ideas!

Obviously, a large amount of lighting will work in your favour as the eye is attracted to light. It's even more strongly attracted by motion so if you're looking to impress, then get moving lights. Animated reindeer that glow with the intensity of several suns wouldn't do any harm at all in the "hey, look over here!" department.

There are an increasing number of inflatable items as well which can be brightly lit from behind or within. Who wouldn't notice a 12-foot tall Santa that is brighter than Doogie Howser, right? Again, seek quantity here as the more you can cram in the yard, the longer people will have to stand there to take it all in.

People like movies, right? How about screwing a couple of sheets of plywood, painting them white and pointing a projector at them. Nothing says festive like violating copyrights with a public screening of Miracle on 34th Street or How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Big loud speakers go well with this too. Try to get some used ones from a local heavy metal band that doesn't tour any more. They'll have enough kick to ensure that when the squeal of Rudolph's nose lighting up is heard, dogs will soil the carpet and car windows will explode.

People notice noise......OH YEAH!

If you want to grab their attention and lure them in from blocks away then rent one of those great big rotating floodlight trailers they use at arenas and casinos. People tend to drive towards them like moths to a flame, just curious to see what the source of the flailing beams of light may be.

I can also suggest that you seek inspiration from sources other than festive displays. Sure, they are nice, but what other attention getting methods can you employ? Driving up and down the streets while calling out your street address and inviting everyone to come see the show is bound to be a hit. It worked for the Blues Brothers, didn't it? Imagine an arena's worth of people standing around, taking in the Christmas spirit. Why the neighbors would be green with envy that the adoring throng aren't traipsing across their lawns (although they may be already).

People always seem to be drawn to accident scenes too so take a car that's been beaten to shreds and park it in your driveway. Old smash up derby cars are good for this, although a compact car with a transport truck groove across the hood will stop them in their tracks just as well.

Fires attract people too, as do fireworks. Maybe a nightly pyrotechnics show would be in order? The moral of this story is that you are limited only by how good your lawyer is. The better they are, the more outrageous you can go.

Just promise me that if your monstrosity... I mean abode ... makes it onto UglyChristmasLights.com, that you let me know so I can revel in your splendor. Pictures, even if you don't achieve fame and fortune, would be great too.

Enjoy your Christmas and may your days be fire free.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 646: IT'S A COLD SORE CHRISTMAS

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR!
USELESS MEN TACKLE THE HOLIDAYS
FOR CHRISTMAS WEEK 2007!
Only 20 more days until our Christmas shopping starts.

Dear Useless Men,

Is kissing under the mistletoe mandatory? I do not want to pucker up when I encounter my mother-in-law in the doorway. How can I avoid this situation?

Ned

Dear Ned,

I hate to disappoint you, but I imagine you've prepared for this answer. Yes, it is mandatory to kiss under the mistletoe, and that is why there are numerous ways to avoid unwanted smooches and several ways to get WANTED smooches (wink, wink! (But that's not your question)).

There are the usual methods of avoidance like entering the home through a window or second floor balcony. Rarely are mistletoe placed in such out of the way areas.

If, for example, you see your mother-in-law heading through the doorway of said mistletoe location, you could be pre-emptive by chasing after her and as she nears the doorway you push her through the doorway and into the room, flying right passed the mistletoe. People will be busy picking your mother-in-law up off the floor to not even notice you walking in right after her.

FYI - Make sure she is still in motion when you shove. If she is stopped under the mistletoe and you push her out of the way ... well, that's just plain rude. Nobody wants to be the "rude" guy at a Christmas party.

Now if you "like" your mother-in-law and don't want to ... heehee ... hurt ... snicker ... her ... (sorry, I almost spit coffee all over the Useless Intern while typing that). C'Mon! What man likes their mother in law? It's your choice and I'm not here to judge. In light of this festive season, I'll provide a couple non-mother-in-law violent methods you can try out.

You could rig up one of those tree pruners with a claw/grabby thing that you could use from a safe distance to remove the mistletoe from the doorway. You then walk through while keeping the mistletoe held away from you and once through you can place it back where it was in case you need to rush over there when you see that cute neighbour heading its way.

If that seems like too much work, then bring your tool belt. When you spot the mistletoe hanging in an entrance way, simply build an alternate entrance directly beside it. Easy.

However, the best way to avoid kissing unwanted people is to get to the party early, find the mistletoe, and settle yourself under it for the entire evening. Nobody wants to pass under a mistletoe if some weirdo is hanging under it all night. That's creepy. Especially if you're not wearing pants.

And if your crowd isn;t the creeped out kind, just paint on a coldsore for extra measure.

Have fun and if you wouldn't mind, give your Mother-In-Law a kiss for me, eh?

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 639: CAN YOU SPARE AN OPENER

Dear Useless Men,

How do you open a can of tuna/ beans/ etc if you can not find your can opener?

Signed,
Woman with a Very Big Rock in her Hand

Dear Woman with a Very Big Rock in her Hand,

First, may I suggest that you drop the rock and back away from the can slowly. Opening cans with rocks may seem like a good idea but it will usually render the contents of the can unusable.

Since you seem bent on destruction, and not consumption, then allow me to suggest some far more ingenious methods of destruction. The simplest, and often most pungent, method would be to stuff the can in question inside of a fire. Some will say that vent holes would be a good idea. I say it robs you of the satisfying bang that comes when you know that the can is opened! It also saves some nasty burns as you fish around a live fire checking to see if it opened yet.

If you are afraid of getting burned then you can move on to more mechanical solutions. You can try to run over the can with your car but you'll find it doesn't weigh enough. A more effective solution would be to place the can in front of the bay door at your local fire station. Once the can is positioned, you can call the department to have them put out the fire you used to open the first can. When the incredibly heavy truck rolls over your can it will pop like a balloon. You also have the satisfaction of knowing that your fire won't take out two or three counties.

While these are all effective methods of overcoming the problem of opening the can, they overlook the obvious question. What if the can contains not vegetable or soup, but something edible like spam, corned beef or chili? Well, a solution that doesn't destroy the contents is a far more appealing solution.

You could use your rock to bludgeon your neighbor and steal their can opener but my mother always said that violence isn't the answer. So, apparently, that's not a great solution. Working with several people can make your problem far easier to solve. Using a person who your neighbor doesn't recognize, you have them drop a summons notice on them. When they head out to court to face up to the bogus charges, you have open access to their house. What if they locked the doors? Remember your rock? Glass is no match for the rock! Remember that game, Rock, paper, glasses? Paper cover rock, glasses burn paper, rock smashes glasses with a punch in the face!

Using said rock to grant yourself access to their kitchen you get to use their can opener to get to the yummy goodness within. The best part is that you can use their dishes and appliances to heat up and enjoy your vittles as well. Plus, you don't have to do dishes either, so this is the best solution of all!

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 577: ROAD KILL CLEAN-UP

Dear Useless Men,

I think I ran over my ex husband. I know I didn't just run into him, the way you run into someone on the street and have a little chat and all of that. I heard a kind of double thump under the car. Then I noticed he wasn't still standing at the side of my car yelling and screaming any more. It doesn't look good. I think the neighbours will be annoyed if they have to clean up that mess from the street. Or will the police take care of that. So that is my question... who cleans up the road kill? Actually, who cleans up all the animal roadkill and is that the same bunch who clean up the... accidental... human road kill?

Signed,
Road Trip Lover

Dear Road Trip Lover,

First, kudos to you for taking the initiative to solve a problem in your own way. We don't see a lot of that around here. We see a lot of people ignoring that strange sandwich in the staff fridge. At least until the Intern started. Then I took the initiative to switch his lunch pail with mine.

Our situations are not that different. Of course, the solution of one problem leads to the creation of others and that is where you are now. How to clean up the mess remaining is a tricky question to answer without more information. I'll give you a few possibilities.

First, let's assume this happened and so far you are the only one to have realized this has happened. This means that there will be no police coming to clean up the mess unless you call them. Unless they deem it to be an emergency, then you can be sure they will take quite some time to get there.

This will leave the mess around long enough for the neighbours to begin to get frustrated with the mess. This will lead to an erosion of the friendship you may have constructed with them over the years. I have a neighbour who played the bagpipes all night long. We don't speak any more. That may have more to do with the bagpipe shards in his throat that render him incapable of speech, but I think it's more because the neighbours were so annoyed with the racket that they just don't talk to him any more.

The second possibility is that the neighbours have seen it already and the police are en route. If this is the case then I suggest you quit playing a round with the computer and get out there with a shovel and a hose. The less evidence...I mean mess... that you leave, the less likely that you will have to explain what happened. Instead, you can make your nosy neighbours look like fools for calling in a false accident. This will not only reduce the odds they phone the police the next time, but it will also allow you to get away from the possibility of the police misinterpreting the whole mess and you ending up in front of a judge. Those guys can be so lousy at understanding explanations.

The last possibility is that you have a weak stomach and don't wish to deal with the mess yourself. In this situation I suggest you get outside as soon as possible and tape a pair of antlers to his head. As soon as that is done, then you call the number in your city for the group responsible for cleaning up these sort of messes. As for who cleans that up, I can't say for sure as the city dispatches them under the guise of animal control. How a flattened animal could be in need of, or respond to, any manner of control is a mystery to me. I would imagine that these are indeed the same people responsible for other messes as well. There can't be that many people specialized in this kind of work, right? They are probably a specially trained legion of short order cooks. After all, they are also good at scraping questionable meat from flat surfaces too right?

We’ll need a few to scrap off the porcelain here, too…

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 567: TELEVISION FOR THE USELESS

Dear Useless Men,

I remembered you said you were talking to the people who had done television and other things that you might do with the Useless Men. Did anything work out with some of that? I've had my fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you all this time. It's been rough.

I hope you've had some interest in getting UM published or broadcast or something. I saw a TV show today which was fun, Exhibit Eh, just two guys traveling across Canada showing towns that had little mysteries and such. It was put on by some small production company but ran on CTV this afternoon.

I think you guys would be great for something like that.

TV Lover

Dear TV Lover,

I said NO SUCH THING. At least not on the site, from whatever search engine I was using would find. But to any aspiring TV producers out there, …

... Call me. Let’s Talk....

We have had a talk with a television producer, as well as a radio producer and a publishing agent. Most of the time the conversation stopped with, ”Useless what? Who is this?”

We are working to brand ourselves, and not in the old west sort of way. We tried that and The Useless Wonder can attest to the fact that aloe really does help with burns.

Now your idea is interesting. This travel Exhibit program could work with our format. It will take a few incarnations if they are at Exhibit Eh, to get to Exhibit U, just as it took seven different variations to get to Preparation H.

I imagine Exhibit U would be a reality TV show with the Useless Men traveling to cities and towns with a film crew filming surprised viewers, the U is for YOU from outside their homes. A Peeping Tom’s eye view of the world around us.

We tried a couple times to shoot a pilot episode.

We approached the subject from the north, while he was watching what appeared to be a NASCAR race in the evening. The secluded side of the house made our approach easier, but hampered our escape which ended with a couple of loud threats and a can of Coke thrown through the back window of my Metro as we drove away. Try explaining THAT to your insurance.

The second one, trying to avoid the fear we may have instilled in the darkness, took place in the early morning daylight, but also ended abruptly with a shriek and some panic on both parties part. Our cameraman fell down the fire escape of the second story apartment, after observing our subject putting on her make-up and other adornements. After running out of her bedroom, which we had deemed “the set”, our subject kindly called the police, which was actually helpful in getting our cameraman to the hospital before we were taken in for questioning.

So there are still a few kinks to be worked out, like privacy laws, but we’re pretty sure we’re onto something. Keep crossing your everything, and maybe hold your breath as well!

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 542: ONE WOMAN LAUGHING

Dear Useless Men,

Is it really pathetic when a person who lives alone talks to herself AND laughs at her own jokes?

Signed,
She Who Does Not Do That

Dear She Who Does Not Do That,

A wise man once said, “He that laughs last takes longest to get the joke.” I’ll wait while you think about that….

Now, you get it.

The problem with living alone is not pathos, but insanity really. But insanity does not beset a person alone. It’s only once you’ve got someone around you that you become insane.

For example, let’s say you like to vacuum naked at 4AM. Nothing wrong with that when you live on your own. But after you get a roommate or spouse or neighbour, they wake up to the vacuuming at 4AM, see you in the nude, and shout, “You’re INSANE!”

At which point, you are. Not to mention, if you actually vacuumed at 4AM in the nude, it would be safe to assume you are probably pathetic as well.

Other activities that may lead to the Insanity response include:

Playing bongo drums while drunk

Sheep farming in apartments

Jumping on sofas while a guest on Oprah

Cats

But as long as you can laugh at yourself, life will be fine. Lonely, but fine.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 538: FIRST HOME BUYER

Dear Useless Ones,

Do you have any advice for a first time home owner who can't find a home? I have been looking for a house or condo and I am confused. One condo is missing an oven and has a funny smell, but it is affordably priced. One house is sooo cute but it is next to a Little League Diamond and baseballs hit the back porch all summer. Another condo has skylights and I would have to stand on a ladder with an extended feather duster just to get rid of the cobwebs.

Why can't I find the perfect home!?

Thank you,
Ms Looking for a Mortgage in All the Wrong Places

Dear Looking for a Mortgage in All the Wrong Places,

If I understand you correctly, you are not buying the house next to the Little League Diamond? Great!

That house sounds like my perfect home. Let me be clear that I think this house is perfect, not because it is soooo cute, but it will satisfy my need for free season tickets to a sporting event.

I looked at a house next to a Little League Soccer field, but the violence and garbage turned me off. It was lovely and cheap, but I'm a coward and I don't like pain. So when I saw this question with the description of baseballs hitting the back porch all summer, I got giddy. Yes, GIDDY!

Mind you, those balls won't be hitting the back porch when I move in. Once I install the bleachers, that is! I'll be catching them! I can sell off the other seats to neighbours, or parents of the kids in the League, and I'll be providing ballpark snacks and beverages at the concession bar below the bleachers that'll be run by my wife. Don't tell her yet… that's a surprise!

The most rewarding part of this is for my future son who'll gain valuable experience and confidence as a concession staffer doing stands walkabouts. You know those people that walk around with beverages and snacks shouting "Ice Cold Drinks"? Yeah, those guys.

I used to be a walkabout worker. I worked on my shouting ever since my dream of becoming a Zamboni driver fell through due to my crippling fear of driving on ice. I just hope my vertigo isn't a problem with this new career direction.

Thank you for bringing this gem of a property to my attention! It's absolutely perfect and exactly what I was looking for! Who would have thought that finding my perfect home would be so easy.

And as for your question, there is no such thing as a perfect first home.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.

QUESTION # 514: GOING FOR A GUINNESS

Dear Useless Men

I recently received this appeal in my email

Hi, my name is Shane I am 7 years old. I am diagnosed with leukemia. My Birthday wish this year (May 30th) would be to receive the largest amount of cards as possible and from all places. If you can help me, it would be appreciated.

PLEASE, contact your friends…THANK YOU !

Shane Bernier
P.O. Box 484
Lancaster ON
Canada
K0C 1N0

The problem is that I find birthday cards to be impersonal and a tool of the greeting card industry to churn out more profit. What should I do?

Caring But Cardless

Dear Caring,

First, let me commend you on caring enough to even think about this. Most people will simply delete this kind of email in the assumption that it is a hoax. I prefer to check these things on hoax busting sites just because I really need a hobby. Turns out the kid is real, and indeed would really like cards to vie for the Guinness title.

Personally, I'm with you. Greeting cards were created a long time ago by a secret sect. The same ones that have had it decreed that shedding one's socks wherever the whim strikes is wrong. The same very cult who began the whole toilet seat wars. Before they got their hooks into us we were perfectly happy and our counterparts were blissfully ignorant of our "transgressions".

The greeting cards were the final volley which would prove to be our undoing. After a few of us forgot to provide one of these gaily decorated slices of dead tree to the right person at the appropriate time, it was the beginning of the end. They were brainwashed into thinking that without these cards they went unvalidated and unnoticed. Without the cards they were not appreciated and had little value in the eyes of the person who forgot to provide one of these evil tools.

With this in their minds they began to dissect our every action and apply motives that we are completely unaware of ourselves to our every move. The war has raged on for generations since, and shows no sign of slowing down either.

So, while I applaud Shane for wanting the cards, I wonder if he realizes that he is helping to perpetuate an evil regime that is responsible for the deforestation of our world and the chaos in our lives. Then again, when have I been a big proponent of the staging down of the war? Without it, what would we have to write about? Bollocks to that!

Shane, my card is on its way!

Hey… I may even send a few, just to fan the flames. Just don't tell my wife I remembered. She'll never believe you.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat


Send your cards to Shane TODAY! Then send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Now with 95% recycled pulp. Click here.

QUESTION # 512: SPRING FEVER

Dear Useless Men,

I'm so confused. Just exactly which of the following is the true meaning of "spring fever"?

1) the dang cold bug that everyone gets in the spring
2) the crazed sex acts of wild animals and prom goers
3) the urgency to take down the dusty curtains and wash them, the windows and the window sills...carefully picking out the dead fly wings from the rag
4) the desire to plant things in the dirt, check on the things previously planted and pretend you are warm enough without your coat while doing so

or is there another definition? please help me! you think it's bad being useless, try being confused!

ms. Creek

Dear Ms. Creek,

The answer is none of the above. And if you think it’s bad being useless, you don’t know useless. It’s really rather easy being useless. It’s much easier than being confused. Allow me to massage that confusion into a tech shop ashtray. Everything I made in tech shop became an ashtray. I don’t know why. In fact, I feel bad that my mom had to take up smoking just to keep me interested in the trades. I failed tech, but my mom has continued smoking. She’s no quitter.

Spring fever is the more common side effect of tetanus. Originally known as a low-grade rusty spring fever, the afflicted usually suffered discomfort while working on bed mattresses.

Springs can be very dangerous. Sure, they are soft and springy, like the ground in the season of the same name, but don’t let one of those things cut you. You could find yourself with Spring fever.

You’ll know you have spring fever if you find yourself jumping up and down on a new bed mattress. Not a used mattress. If you’re doing that, you’re just being childish.

It’s that jumping that causes the spring fever confusion. First found in rabbits, many people thought that it caused higher sexual desire. I can assure you that’s not true. Carrots are the cause of rabbit love. They are a truly phallic vegetable.

And the bed mattress connection didn’t help either. You only figure that out once you’ve washed all the windows so you can see clearly into a neighbour’s house. Of course, you wouldn’t care what your neighbours were doing behind open curtains if you weren’t busy looking inconspicuously at the neighbour bent over in the garden. People just have such dirty little minds.

Get your head out of the gutter, and get it into a doctor’s office. You can never get enough tetanus protection.

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


Do you do Windows? Or do you do Linux? Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Multiple choices appreciated. Click here.

QUESTION # 492: ADULT SNOW PEOPLE

Dear Useless Men,

My boyfriend created several very anatomically correct snow men and snow women engaged in pornographic acts in the front yard of our apartment building. Sadly, no one else thought it was all that funny.

The other tenants dragged him away and will only tell me he is buried in the snow out there, somewhere. How can I find him? I don't own a tracking dog or anything like that. He was calling for help earlier but now that I am off the phone with my Mom and have put on my coat and boots and hat and all of that, I can't hear him any more. How much longer till the Spring thaw anyway...?

Signed,
Baby It's Cold Outside

Dear Baby It's Cold Outside,

I love these questions. Sex, religious controversy and angry mobs! These are all the elements of a good children’s book.

How unfortunate that you and your sociologist of human sexuality boyfriend live in a puritan apartment building, because these days I feel kids need more fun and informative sex education. All the same, that's not why you’re here.

First off, with the crazy weather we've been having, I don't expect a decent spring thaw until well into July. It is also apparent that you are in no rush to find your boyfriend, so you could just wait. But allow me to offer a few suggestions for his retrieval.

Stay away from tracking dogs in the bitter cold winter. The dog’s nose would be rendered useless in a matter of minutes. If my nose goes numb from cold, can I still smell? hmmmm ...

Either way, you'd have to house and feed the dog and put up with it nosing at your butt and crotch. Basically the same role that your missing boyfriend played. Keep that in mind. In a pro vs con spread sheet, that one may be a wash.

You could buy one of those metal detector units you see with that hairy guy in a speedo and a floppy hat on the beach. It probably won't find your boyfriend because a lot of zippers are plastic or made of a metal that's relatively undetectable, but you could find some spare change and perhaps that spare key you hid in the yard in case you forgot your main set, but couldn't remember where it was and had to call the fire department so you could use their ladder to climb through the bedroom window of your fifth story apartment.

OR, from the comfort of your apartment, you could see if there is a new addition to the sex educational display that is particularly heinous. Puritans are funny that way. You have to appreciate the irony. If there are no extra snowmen or women, then I suggest you simply go about your business for a few days. But keep an eye out for a patch of yellow snow that is not surrounded by animal paw prints. There you'll find your hapless boyfriend, much to his relief.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


Send your questions to Useless Advice from Useless Men! Click here.

Subscribe to Useless email updates. Click here.